Can I truly find someone who loves me as a romantic asexual woman?

[NotBethHarmon]

Hi everyone,

 

I am a long time lurker, first time poster (finally ‘took the plunge’ and made an account). I think I have worried about posting because I had to first be honest with myself about being a romantic asexual. 
 

I am 28 years old now, and just recently my asexual fiancé broke up with me two weeks before Christmas.  The ending of the relationship has been traumatic as it involved me realizing that he used me for money and didn’t truly love me for me throughout our almost three year relationship. He’s 35 and and told me things like “I waited so many years to find you” “you’re like my family”, “I’ll never leave you” etc and so forth. But in the end he told me so many cruel things, and said he just wants to be on his own. 
 

His asexuality was not really ever a problem in our relationship, and in fact I’ve realized that it probably kept me in the relationship longer putting up with gaslighting and financial manipulation longer than I should have. Because I felt safe and sexually compatible with this seemingly “rare find” of a person. I thought the other behaviours would change and that we could work through them. I wanted to go to counselling and he ultimately said no. 
 

To make matters more murky, I met him on the heels of a sexually traumatic experience I had (before really coming to terms with the fact that I just don’t desire sex and after the trauma I am even sex-averse and just don’t want to engage with that). I had (and still need to work on) low self esteem, self love, etc. I am also body positive and I am plus size (some might use the label ‘super fat’). I didn’t specifically look for an asexual person when I met my ex, rather I focused on someone body positive as well, but when we got together it felt like those pieces fit perfectly. Romantic attraction and sexual compatibility (in the sense that neither of us wanted it). In the end though, other pieces didn’t fit. And no matter how hard I tried to make them fit I couldn’t. I couldn’t make him respect me or love me. 
 

I was never the person who wanted marriage, or even a relationship. I never cared about sex. But I met him and I wanted our relationship, and eventually I wanted to marry him specifically. I thought he was my life partner. We always said we were a team, and approached life like that for nearly three years. In our spare time, we would go on hikes together, beach dates, even things like grocery shopping and holding hands filled my heart. Cuddles on a Sunday on the couch or in bed. He would massage my feet sometimes and brush my hair. The seemingly little things I never searched for explicitly but came to love, and even rely on. I became codependent on him for validation and approval, which complicated things further. In the mix of these nice things, I don’t remember the last time he genuinely complimented me for anything. He was also always criticizing me. I would ask what I’m doing that is so wrong and he said that he wants me to be a better person, I can be a better person, he’s trying to make me a better person, etc.  It seemed that the more he did this, the more I felt empty and continued to seek approval. All of this has really impacted me. 
 

When I met him I was 25 and had never had a real relationship, and thought no one would or could love me. I came from a place of brokenness and feeling like I needed him to complete me. I was his first serious, long term relationship (he was 32 at the time). Now I’m lost and realizing I need to find myself and truly heal. I need to do this for myself, but I also cannot pursue another relationship from a place of needing it to complete me or make me whole. 
 

At the same time, I worry that I am destined to forever be single because of my asexuality, and perhaps because of my body, and it makes me feel a real sense of hopelessness. I get so sad and overwhelmed by the fact that I worry about this so much, even in the midst of trying to recover from this traumatic relationship and breakup. 
 

So I suppose my question is can I really find a true life partner who loves me for me once I’ve healed from this? 
 

And has anyone else healed from heartbreak where they feared never finding anyone else because of their asexuality? How did that impact your healing? 
 

If you made it this far, thank you for taking the time to read this anxious rambling from a heartbroken asexual. 

[LoveNotSex?]

Hi,
I'm sorry for your bad experience. You definitely deserve better than this, and it's good that you take your time to heal and increase self love.
Of course it's possible to find someone who loves you as an asexual. I'm in a happy relationship myself, even though I'm quite complicated and picky.
If you haven't seen it yet, there's a whole thread about success stories here:
 

And here's a nice documentary about asexual relationships:
 

All the best for you!
 

[nineGardens]

4 hours ago, NotBethHarmon said:

 

So I suppose my question is can I really find a true life partner who loves me for me once I’ve healed from this? 
 

And has anyone else healed from heartbreak where they feared never finding anyone else because of their asexuality? How did that impact your healing? 
 

 

So, first off: *HUGS*

That sounds difficult and traumatic, and I feel you on all that.

 

I think... probably it is worth remembering that well... relationships are difficult. ALL relationships, for all people. And... sometimes people use sexuality and desire as an extra "bridge" that helps keep a relationship together, and sometimes it acts as a tie that binds, even when the rest of relationship is toxic. It kind of sounds like, for you, asexuality/compatibility ended up functioning in the same way. And that's just... normal human experience.

Not trying to say your experience is lesser or anything because of that, just like.... I think if you search the internet, you'll find a large number of similar stories, and people who can sympathize.

 

 

Can you find a "true life partner"? ... maybe. From what I've seen, all partnerships involve some level of compromise. Everything has a price, and that is okay. Things can still be worthwhile... but its likely that being asexual will reduce your pool of potential candidates... and also, potentially, will increase or decrease the price you are willing to pay to make it work. Don't be willing to compromise too much, but also like... don't give up on someone just because they prefer a different shade of green in the kitchen. (these are kind of obvious, but hey, I'm only half awake here ).

 

As for healing...

Eh- sorry, can't answer you on that one. I'm still feeling pretty wounded myself (though from rather different circumstances).

I don't know- different people process emotions differently. I know some people who plunge into really high intensity emotions, and then recover from a 5 year relationship within a couple months. Other people have less intensity, but things just sort of... linger?

Everyone's different. You know yourself.
Just... sometimes it just is how it is, and its okay, to just sit and FEEL with an emotion, and let it process. Personally, I advise finding yourself a good soundtrack- with a soundtrack that matches how you feel, to allow you to burn through the feelings and sort of... flush them out... or alternatively, something bouncy and silly, music full of sunshine to act as a "pic me up" (for that, I would recommend "Ladyhawke- the wild things", which is kind of like have sunlight injected into your eardrums)

 

 

[NotBethHarmon]

Thank you for sharing your perspective @LoveNotSex? and recommending the documentary, as well as the thread on success stories. It was nice to peruse that thread and see that healthy, fulfilling romantic relationships are possible for those who pursue them. Of course a matter of luck is involved in these circumstances but such is the case with romantic relationships in general, I suppose! 

[NotBethHarmon]

@nineGardensthank you so much for the virtual hug and for sharing your thoughts with me, I really appreciate it. I found myself nodding instinctively as I read your response. I think the trouble with my heartbreak is it has felt so consuming in these moments, that I’ve lost sight of relationships being difficult generally. It can be tough to see the larger picture. 
 

And I agree - the sexual compatibility definitely kept me in the relationship longer, along with my issues with codependency and “losing my sense of self”/not knowing who I am when I entered the relationship, much less during it. In my lighter moments as I go through this rollercoaster, I find myself excited to find out more about who I am, what I value, what I want, etc. 
 

Which brings me to your point about compromising but not compromising too much.

 

I will have to work out that fine balance, as we all do. The trouble with being codependent/a people pleaser is that I compromised way too much to the point that I got so lost. But I need to work on these things for myself and discern where my personal boundaries are and then enforce/protect them. 
 

As much as healing as a process is so varied, and that can be frustrating, it is also reassuring because I guess it will just take as long as it takes, and I can’t rush the process (much as I might want to sometimes). I am trying to let myself just be (so difficult because I am such an impatient person and I’ve never dealt with heartbreak like this). 
 

Also I listened to your song recommendation and love it! You are so right - Wild Things by Ladyhawke is definitely like having sunlight injected into your eardrums! 

[nineGardens]

@NotBethHarmon  Glad the thoughts helped, and glad you enjoyed the soundtrack.  And yeah, that balance is.... one that is difficult to figure out. The only trick I've heard is sort of... love yourself as much as you love other people. Try to imagine the advice someone would give if they cared about *you* more than they cared about the relationship.

[SleepyFox]

On 2/14/2021 at 10:32 AM, NotBethHarmon said:

I will have to work out that fine balance, as we all do. The trouble with being codependent/a people pleaser is that I compromised way too much to the point that I got so lost. But I need to work on these things for myself and discern where my personal boundaries are and then enforce/protect them. 

 

As much as healing as a process is so varied, and that can be frustrating, it is also reassuring because I guess it will just take as long as it takes, and I can’t rush the process (much as I might want to sometimes). I am trying to let myself just be (so difficult because I am such an impatient person and I’ve never dealt with heartbreak like this).

Throwing my own two cents in here.
I'm 28, turning 29 this year. I prefer to head off conflict or perceived conflict before it happens. SO I've gone back to seeing a psychologist specifically to work out "What Does A Good Relationship Look Like?". We're also going to discuss boundaries, how to enforce them and how etc etc.
Getting out of a long term relationship is a huge shift but you don't have to do it alone. *hugs*

I don't know if everyone has a 'soulmate' but long term relationships between allos and aces can work out. A friend of mine has been going strong with their partner for 3 or four years now.

[NotBethHarmon]

On 2/18/2021 at 6:49 AM, SleepyFox said:

Throwing my own two cents in here.
I'm 28, turning 29 this year. I prefer to head off conflict or perceived conflict before it happens. SO I've gone back to seeing a psychologist specifically to work out "What Does A Good Relationship Look Like?". We're also going to discuss boundaries, how to enforce them and how etc etc.
Getting out of a long term relationship is a huge shift but you don't have to do it alone. *hugs*

I don't know if everyone has a 'soulmate' but long term relationships between allos and aces can work out. A friend of mine has been going strong with their partner for 3 or four years now.

Thank you so much. I completely agree with you. That’s why as much as my codependent parts are freaking out/anxious for a long-term relationship, I know that I have a great deal of healing to do at this time before I can pursue a healthy romantic relationship. I am in therapy weekly right now and we are working on boundaries, how to enforce them, what my values look like for self and in relationship, etc. Thank you again for sharing your perspective. I truly appreciate it.