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The "doesn't need sex" model!


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I just found a copy of SF's The Guardian from late November, and remembered why I'd been keeping it-- that week's Alt Sex column had a very insightful, respectful response to asexuality, even though the term itself wasn't used. The letter was from a man whose wife had never been into sex, despite his various efforts. Andrea (the Alt Sex columnist)'s response was pretty long, so I'm just going to type out the key parts:

"Since she isn't broken, you can't fix her. She is the "doesn't need sex" model, and there's no kind of rigging her up with after-market parts that's going to change that...People who are reluctant to be sexual may be coaxed into letting go of fears or inhibitions. People who simply do not care about sex-- the way I simply do not care about, say, sports--are probably not going to change. it isn't like I've never seen or played any sports. I have done both. I'm just not excited about it, and no amount of nagging at me to GET excited would ever have the desired effect. Quite the opposite."




2014 Mod Edit: The advice column can be found here in its entirety. For future reasons:


Bumpy ride
11.21.06 - 8:06 pm | Andrea Nemerson

› andrea@altsexcolumn.com
Dear Andrea:
I'm a 50-year-old male. I've been married for 23 years and have two grown kids. The problem is my wife. She has never needed or been interested in sex. I have tried everything — books, videos, even suggesting counseling. She says no, there's no problem. Our wedding night was a disaster. Is there any hope for me? What can I do?
Love,
High and Dry

Dear Dry:
File for divorce or pray for a painless, early death. I just don't see another way out for you, sorry.
That was flip and a little cruel, and I do apologize but only sort of. You knew that sex was not, let's say, a priority for her way back when you were dating, what, 25 years ago? And you married her anyway and cemented your relationship by having children and further enforced the union’s permanence by staying with her after the children were grown. I'm going to assume that you did all this because you actually love your wife, not merely because you were willing to sacrifice yourself on the altar of nice-guyism. Either way, you don't sound like you're going anywhere, and I applaud that. But your wife is right: there is no problem, or rather, she does not have a problem, and the fact that you have one is not her problem either. Since she isn't broken, you can't fix her. She is the "doesn't need sex" model, and there's no kind of rigging her up with after-market parts that's going to change that. If you love her and don't want to leave her, I'm afraid you're stuck with it.

I print your letter not so much because I think that hearing "Sorry, you're stuck with it" is going to be of any earthly use to you but as a warning to the many much younger people who write in wondering if their otherwise "perfect" boyfriends, girlfriends, or — worse — fiancés can be induced to change their apparently deeply wired sexual preferences (or lack of same) before the wedding. I said no. I still say no. I am using you, somewhat without your consent, as an exhibit, Exhibit A, the purpose of which is to demonstrate how much I really meant "no" when I said it. No. People who are already interested in some kinds of sex can quite often be induced to try some other kinds. People who are reluctant to be sexual may be coaxed into letting go of fears or inhibitions. People who simply do not care about sex — the way I simply do not care about, say, sports — are probably not going to change. It isn't like I've never seen or played any sports. I have done both. I'm just not excited about it, and no amount of nagging at me to get excited would ever have the desired effect. Quite the opposite.
Love,
Andrea

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