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I think my boyfriend is asexual


Lilah

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Hello, 

I’m new here and have browsed through quite a few discussions now but there are so many. I think my boyfriend might be asexual and I’m just seeking advice on how to tell/ how to handle it? 
My boyfriend and I will have been together for 2 years in April. He’s always done an amazing job at making sure I know I’m loved. He is very thoughtful and caring, and usually pretty good about spending time with me, we’re both in college so it can be stressful/difficult to make extra time sometimes, I understand and don’t mind. He’s the only person I’ve been with. And while he’s told me he’s had other partners before, it often seems like he was maybe a virgin as well or maybe only had one sexual encounter that was traumatic? I’m not honestly sure, he at one point told me an older women had taken advantage of him but wouldn’t say anything more. We’ve been active for a little over a year and it’s been a recurring annoyance. There’s a lot to know about both of us that may factor into this though. 
On my end, I’ve been sexually abused by my father (no penetration) and am in therapy for it. I also don’t think I’ve ever orgasmed despite googling possible reasons or how to tell etc. I have this issue that I believe to be called vulvar pain (I didn’t have insurance so I haven’t had a chance to get it checked yet) but I randomly will get a cut or feel like there is a cut even if there’s not. I’ve taken some steps to improve this and it might just be because I wasnt used to sex or something. I consider myself to be a very sexual person as I often get that desire. I have questioned myself to be asexual in the past though because I feel my body doesn’t work how it should and I often find sex to not be worth the hype and was never really big on masterbating. I’ve decided this isn’t the case for me, I’m very into the idea of sex and am figuring myself out more with toys but am probably just frustrated by not being able to achieve more. 
 

As for him. He’s had this skin condition for a while that is a form of shingles ( He just turned 26, I’ll be 22 in a few days. There’s barely over 4 year difference). Anyways, his skin condition makes him very uncomfortable and he’ll often be itching and self conscious about it. He’s done better at being more comfortable with me about it. Near the begging of our sexual relationship we had a negative encounter and I asked him if it was something I had done/not done or how I could do better. If he was attracted to me? He said he was and that his skin could just flare up and make him lose being in the mood. So I tried to place myself in his shoes and figured I probably wouldn’t be much into it if I had let’s say ant bites everywhere that constantly itched and made me uncomfortable, I probably wouldn’t be in the mood either. Well about 4 months ago his skin pretty much healed over night (new medication for it). I thought that this would make our sex life better but he still seems disinterested. We average about once a month and it feels like he’s doing it out of obligation rather than wanting to. About a month ago I tried talking to him about it again. I said I knew he loved me emotionally but it doesn’t feel like he’s attracted to me physically. He responded with a drawn out hmm, followed with I wouldn’t say that. Then went on about it being inconvenient times. (I’ve made it apparent that I’m open to pretty much any time. I don’t necessarily need or want all the time just any time would be great) things were a bit awkward for about a week and he had told me he was attracted to me. It feels like he only said that to make me not question it any more. I’m not sure if he’s simply not attracted to me personally or if he’s asexual. He doesn’t like talking about sex, doesn’t want to try new things, and just seems uninterested. He does masturbate sometimes but it doesn’t seem like he’s as into porn or masterbating as other guys/his friends are. He seems to joke about sex more than want it. It can be difficult for me to understand, experiencing the trauma that I did, but still wanting that connection with him. I don’t think my trauma affects him that way as this has been a problem before I told him what happened to me. I know he loves me, and I can’t imagine him not in my life. He’s made me happier than I’ve ever been. This is difficult for me because I do think we’ll get married, he talks about it often, but I don’t see how he can want to marry me if he’s not attracted to me. I see living my life with him but I don’t know what’s wrong and I don’t know how to talk to him about it, he just shuts down and doesn’t wanna talk. I’m 100% sure he’s not cheating. We both live with his parents (I know another possible factor) and any free time he gets, he’s very excited about spending it with me. He does avoid prolonged actions like kissing or hugging though bc he can tell it’ll lead to more. 
I’ve tried everything from trying to talk to him about it, trying to be sexy about it, to just leaving him alone. I don’t initiate anymore and I’ve been good about not leading a kiss into more. Or he’ll often grab my butt and I used to play into that or think that was an indication of him wanting to do something but I guess not. I’ve learned that to him it’s like giving a hug or kiss. He casually does it to make me feel attractive I think but it he doesn’t do it thinking it’ll lead to more. 
 

Sorry this was a lot, I know there are multiple factors here that are probably contributing to this problem. I don’t think most of them are really issues though bc even when they don’t seem to be a problem, he just doesn’t seem into it. 
Any help or advise would be appreciated. I just want to know how to tell if he’s asexual or just not attracted to me or if he is but is just feeling insecure. I don’t know, I’m just feeling lost and confused and I want to understand, I want to help. I’ve thought about asking his best guy friend for advice or thoughts but concluded that that would be disrespectful and insensitive, I don’t think I’d want him going to one of my friends if it were reversed. So I decided to consult Google and wandered into this page. It seems like others have had similar issues but it tends to focus only on one persons problem so I decided my best bet was to share mine and hope someone has some advice. Thank you for reading this. 

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Hi. Sorry this'll be a short reply, it's late and I'm about to go to bed. But I wanted to mention that communication is the most important thing in a relationship, including in this case. I know in some cases it can be hard to be open especially if it's something they're sensitive about it or maybe not sure. But it really is the most important. A lot of the questions you have could be answered by him, or helping him question or explore to find out. If it's something that's important to you, then he needs to know that as well and not avoid the subject. It's been 2 years so there should be enough trust between you two to be able to talk about personal stuff between you. Just remember to be accepting and to show that you care and just want to help get things a bit more open and talked about.

Besides that, if you feel it's not working because he's too sensitive to the subject, then I guess all you can do is share some of your feelings (without making it about him), and give it more time to see down the line again.

That's just my take, maybe someone else will have more to give. Take care for now ❤️

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Thank you for your reply. I know you’re right on this one I just don’t always know how to get him to talk instead of shutting down but I guess I just have to keep trying.  

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Hi, 

There are a lot of things that could be at play here, and I am absolutely not an expert relationships and even less so on sexuality, so feel free to completely disregard everything I have to say. 

I spent some time thinking about the situation and I came up with a few questions that might be worth asking. 

 

1) I'm not sure if you mentioned (I don't think you did but I may have overlooked it) if you have talked to him about asexuality before. So, does he know what asexuality is?

When I learned what asexuality is, it was like a switch clicked in my head and a lot of things started making sense. Prior to learning about asexuality I would've said that I had experienced sexual attraction, but I now know that this was romantic attraction. I am not sure how it would've worked out if I had convinced myself I was sexually attracted to someone, but wasn't actually. But if you haven't introducing him to the idea may be a good first step. 

 

2) How do you think, he thinks, you would react if he told you that he was asexual?

You mentioned you are a very sexual person, and that you wouldn't be sure about marriage if he wasn't attracted to you. Could it be possible that he is afraid of possibly losing you if he told you this? Whether or not this is actually the case, it would be a scary thought to have. 

 

It's hard to tell if someone is asexual or not as it entirely depends on internal feelings. So unfortunately there is no real test.  As Sarah-Sylvia said, the best thing you can do is keep communication open. Make sure he knows how you feel about this and hopefully he can open up to you. 

Hopefully things work out with you. I know its scary, but for what its worth it sounds like the 2 of you really care about each other and I hope that things work out for you. 

Sorry I can't be more help. 

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Janus the Fox

Moved to For Sexual Partners, Friends and Allies

 

Janus DarkFox

Cover Welcome Lounge, Weekends Asexual Relationships, Current Questions about Asexuality, Asexual Musings and Rantings & Open Mic Moderator

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7 hours ago, Lilah said:

Hello, 

I’m new here and have browsed through quite a few discussions now but there are so many. I think my boyfriend might be asexual and I’m just seeking advice on how to tell/ how to handle it? 
My boyfriend and I will have been together for 2 years in April. He’s always done an amazing job at making sure I know I’m loved. He is very thoughtful and caring, and usually pretty good about spending time with me, we’re both in college so it can be stressful/difficult to make extra time sometimes, I understand and don’t mind. He’s the only person I’ve been with. And while he’s told me he’s had other partners before, it often seems like he was maybe a virgin as well or maybe only had one sexual encounter that was traumatic? I’m not honestly sure, he at one point told me an older women had taken advantage of him but wouldn’t say anything more. We’ve been active for a little over a year and it’s been a recurring annoyance. There’s a lot to know about both of us that may factor into this though. 
On my end, I’ve been sexually abused by my father (no penetration) and am in therapy for it. I also don’t think I’ve ever orgasmed despite googling possible reasons or how to tell etc. I have this issue that I believe to be called vulvar pain (I didn’t have insurance so I haven’t had a chance to get it checked yet) but I randomly will get a cut or feel like there is a cut even if there’s not. I’ve taken some steps to improve this and it might just be because I wasnt used to sex or something. I consider myself to be a very sexual person as I often get that desire. I have questioned myself to be asexual in the past though because I feel my body doesn’t work how it should and I often find sex to not be worth the hype and was never really big on masterbating. I’ve decided this isn’t the case for me, I’m very into the idea of sex and am figuring myself out more with toys but am probably just frustrated by not being able to achieve more. 
 

As for him. He’s had this skin condition for a while that is a form of shingles ( He just turned 26, I’ll be 22 in a few days. There’s barely over 4 year difference). Anyways, his skin condition makes him very uncomfortable and he’ll often be itching and self conscious about it. He’s done better at being more comfortable with me about it. Near the begging of our sexual relationship we had a negative encounter and I asked him if it was something I had done/not done or how I could do better. If he was attracted to me? He said he was and that his skin could just flare up and make him lose being in the mood. So I tried to place myself in his shoes and figured I probably wouldn’t be much into it if I had let’s say ant bites everywhere that constantly itched and made me uncomfortable, I probably wouldn’t be in the mood either. Well about 4 months ago his skin pretty much healed over night (new medication for it). I thought that this would make our sex life better but he still seems disinterested. We average about once a month and it feels like he’s doing it out of obligation rather than wanting to. About a month ago I tried talking to him about it again. I said I knew he loved me emotionally but it doesn’t feel like he’s attracted to me physically. He responded with a drawn out hmm, followed with I wouldn’t say that. Then went on about it being inconvenient times. (I’ve made it apparent that I’m open to pretty much any time. I don’t necessarily need or want all the time just any time would be great) things were a bit awkward for about a week and he had told me he was attracted to me. It feels like he only said that to make me not question it any more. I’m not sure if he’s simply not attracted to me personally or if he’s asexual. He doesn’t like talking about sex, doesn’t want to try new things, and just seems uninterested. He does masturbate sometimes but it doesn’t seem like he’s as into porn or masterbating as other guys/his friends are. He seems to joke about sex more than want it. It can be difficult for me to understand, experiencing the trauma that I did, but still wanting that connection with him. I don’t think my trauma affects him that way as this has been a problem before I told him what happened to me. I know he loves me, and I can’t imagine him not in my life. He’s made me happier than I’ve ever been. This is difficult for me because I do think we’ll get married, he talks about it often, but I don’t see how he can want to marry me if he’s not attracted to me. I see living my life with him but I don’t know what’s wrong and I don’t know how to talk to him about it, he just shuts down and doesn’t wanna talk. I’m 100% sure he’s not cheating. We both live with his parents (I know another possible factor) and any free time he gets, he’s very excited about spending it with me. He does avoid prolonged actions like kissing or hugging though bc he can tell it’ll lead to more. 
I’ve tried everything from trying to talk to him about it, trying to be sexy about it, to just leaving him alone. I don’t initiate anymore and I’ve been good about not leading a kiss into more. Or he’ll often grab my butt and I used to play into that or think that was an indication of him wanting to do something but I guess not. I’ve learned that to him it’s like giving a hug or kiss. He casually does it to make me feel attractive I think but it he doesn’t do it thinking it’ll lead to more. 
 

Sorry this was a lot, I know there are multiple factors here that are probably contributing to this problem. I don’t think most of them are really issues though bc even when they don’t seem to be a problem, he just doesn’t seem into it. 
Any help or advise would be appreciated. I just want to know how to tell if he’s asexual or just not attracted to me or if he is but is just feeling insecure. I don’t know, I’m just feeling lost and confused and I want to understand, I want to help. I’ve thought about asking his best guy friend for advice or thoughts but concluded that that would be disrespectful and insensitive, I don’t think I’d want him going to one of my friends if it were reversed. So I decided to consult Google and wandered into this page. It seems like others have had similar issues but it tends to focus only on one persons problem so I decided my best bet was to share mine and hope someone has some advice. Thank you for reading this. 

Hi Lilah,

 

First of all, let me tell you that it's a great thing that you're trying to understand his feelings rather than simply blaming him for his supposed lack of interest in sex. I have been in my relationship for more than 2 years and I've just realized that I'm Asexual. Now I can't exactly answer your question because the only person who can is him. But since your situation is the reverse of mine (assuming he really is an asexual who really loves you and who hasn't yet come out to you), I can probably tell you a few possible reasons why he still hasn't revealed/embraced his asexuality.

 

1. He doesn't know his own sexuality yet, as was the case with me. I thought I was heterosexual, while in reality I have always been hetero-romantic and asexual.

2. He has never heard of Asexuality. You may need to introduce the concept to him. Do a little bit of research beforehand.

3. He knows about Asexuality but misunderstands it. Again, so did I. I took my romantic attraction for my sexual attraction; this was the reason why the definition of Asexuality didn't feel relatable to me at first.

4. He may or may not know about his own sexual orientation. He knows you are a very sexual person and sex is important for you in terms of marriage. He loves you so much that he doesn't wanna lose you. He is suppressing his own feelings to make the relationship work.  (This is the case for me anyway, I'm still struggling to tell my boyfriend about myself because the moment I will, the relationship will be over)

 

Again, nobody knows your relationship better than you do. Anything I've said above is based on my personal experience. The problems you are facing may be due to something completely unrelated to his sexuality. The only option you have is to talk to him. You just need to be very sensitive and patient about it. If he is Asexual and hasn't realized it yet, he will be in denial for a while. You will have to give him some time. He will shut you out. Just don't give up and don't force him to talk about it unless he is ready. If he already knows and is scared of losing you, make sure to make him feel loved and to let him know that this doesn't mean you don't care about him anymore. You may feel like not feeling attracted to you is equivalent to him not being in love with you enough to marry you, but that is absolutely incorrect in the context of asexuals. Whether or not you decide to continue your relationship (in case he really is asexual), how you react to the situation will affect how he feels about himself. I know the situation is difficult, but the fact that you care enough to come to this forum, shows how much you care. Take your time, talk to him. I'm sure you guys will figure it out.

 

I hope this helps.

 

 

 

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I suggest thinking in terms of "compatibility" not labels.  In order for a relationship to be happy, the people need to be compatible.  For many people sexual compatibility is vital, because for many it is an activity that is exclusive with their partner. 

 

So, think about whether there is a level of sexual activity that will make BOTH of you happy.   Relationships are like a chain - a  missing piece makes the whole think fall apart.   There is no "fault" and "normal" makes no difference. 

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1) That there is a block of text. If you hit the edit button, and and break it up into paragraphs, it will be easier for people to read (not intended to be pedantic, just mean that while I was reading, I kept losing my line.

 

2) As others have said, it might be a good idea to introduce him to the idea that asexuality exists.... not nessisarily push it, but just like, put the idea in his head as something that exists, and he might read up on it or not.

 

3) Us trying to guess his sexuality while 3 steps removed is... probably a bad idea?

 

... I want to say more, but honestly can't think of anything. It sounds like a tricky situation: best of luck.

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  • 1 month later...

Hello Krusk! 
 

Thank you so much for your response! It was very caring and I really appreciate it. To answer your questions, 

1. I did not ask him if he was asexual, it was just a lingering thought of mine and I wanted to know more on the topic before bringing up something so sensitive. 
2. I don’t think I’ve told him that I would have trouble committing to a marriage if this is a permanent issue. I don’t really see myself being okay with only toys for forever. However, I honestly don’t think I took that into full consideration and that could be a really big factor. I know he does love me emotionally and that’s why I felt like he had simply said he was attracted to me a week later, like it was just something he said to not lose me. 
Again, thank you so much for your response, it has helped open my eyes on a couple more things, which was definitely my intent in even posting. 

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Hello pGhosh,

 

Thank you for replying. I’m sorry to hear that you have a similar but reverse situation. I know you’re nervous or afraid to tell your boyfriend how you feel, but on this side of things it would help me understand a little bit more. You can at least take that next step in figuring out what works for your relationship. I hope your boyfriend is understanding and patient about it all whenever you do decide to let him know. A big reason why I posted on the forum was because I had tried talking to him and it was something he shut down over. I pretty much was just trying to understand, possibly help in some way. I honestly don’t know if I could marry him if I knew that he was asexual, but I also wouldn’t give up so quickly. I would try to let him know that I still care and would be willing to take the time to figure out what works for us.
I’m going to post about it separately, but we were able to have another discussion on the topic and while I’m still not sure if he is asexual or not, I’m more confident that we’ll be able to have difficult conversations. 
Thank you so much for sharing your experiences on the topic, it makes me more patient in this process. ❤️

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NineGardens, 


First, I want to start by saying thank you for responding. 
1. Thank you for mentioning this inconvenience. I will definitely break it up into paragraphs when I get a moment. 
2. I think you’re right, that’s probably the best way to go about asking is by just mentioning asexuality in general and seeing how he responds.
3. Oh yeah no, I’m definitely not trying to assign him any type of label. I honestly, came on here hoping to gather a better understanding of the concept. I don’t want to be quick to judge or assume anything, I was just hoping for some feedback. Thank you for reminding me of this. 
 

 

 

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Hey Uhtred, 

 

Thank you for giving me a clearer perspective on the topic. I do agree, it is much more appropriate to think of this in terms of compatibility vs labels.
 

My intent honestly wasn’t to assign him a label, but rather gather more information and thoughts from people who are more informed on the set of traits associated with asexuality. 

 

In terms of sexual compatibility, it is something that worries me. I am a fairly sexual person and it is a connection I appreciate. He doesn’t seem to be all that interested.  I honestly don’t think there will be a level of sexual intimacy that makes both of us satisfied. At this point I’ve kinda been conditioned to not even hint towards it.
We did however, recently have a conversation regarding some of these topics. I didn’t mention a sexuality but he did express feelings of not being/doing enough for me. I reassured him that he is an amazing boyfriend while also acknowledging that we will have to figure out some arrangement that works for both of us. 
 

Thank you for your encouragement. Your broken link comment does raise some concern, but I am less anxious about the issue overall. I feel like it will take a lot of time to sort out but I am confident that we can at least talk about it. 
 

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Hey Everyone! 
 

First, thanks a heap to everyone who gave me feedback! I really appreciate you all and your comments are all very eye opening! 

 

Just a quick update, 

I was able to have another discussion with my boyfriend and while we are no where close to resolving the issue, we have made the first step. I didn’t mention asexuality but we both voiced most of what was bothering us and our reflection on them. It will definitely take some time to figure out what works for us sexually, but I am more confident that we will be able to effectively communicate. 
 

Again, thank you all for your help!

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