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Knowing someone is attracted to me brings up...confusing feelings


spooky_moss

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This guy I barely know (he goes to my school and messaged me a couple years back, and we chatted back and forth for a short amount of time) messaged me today and said he had a friend who thought I was cute and who wanted him to ask if I would be interested in him (the friend). And he gave me the friend's snap in case I was interested. At first I was extremely flattered and happy. Someone thought I was cute! Still I declined because I don't have an interest in a romantic or sexual encounter.

 

But even as I was writing out the message to decline, I felt a pang of "don't do this"! I stopped for a second to think (always willing to reevaluate my orientation in case I was wrong, or what I want changes), but no, I still didn't want anything to do with this.

 

If I've evaluated my feelings properly, this is what was going on:

 

-I've had body image issues for a long while. I also have never been asked out by someone or had anyone tell me I was attractive before. Although a couple years ago my friend had to tell me some dude was transparently hitting on me, so there's a chance people have been interested in me before, and I just haven't noticed.

 

-Despite usually feeling good about my choice to stay single, I've still been conditioned by society into seeing romantic and sexual relationships as a normal thing that I should be doing. This might be more engrained in me than I'd realized.

 

-I'm surrounded by plenty of single people (or depictions of them in tv/movies) who are actively searching for partners, so it seems like I should be doing the same, if just out of some sort of "routine". I guess that fits in with the point above this one.

 

-The sphere of dating/dealing with attraction simply isn't a familiar world for me!

 

-When I got the message, I felt the validation of a guy thinking I was cute, which hasn't happened before (and here societal conditioning comes in again: a man liking your appearance is the ultimate validation for a woman, of course!). Because of societal conditioning and my body image issues, getting that message made part of my brain think: "You need someone, and who else is going to think you're attractive? You must take this chance in case you don't get another!"

 

 

Anyway sorry this ended up being long! I just wanted to put down what I was feeling in words, and maybe rant to some people who would get it.

 

 

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I know exactly what you're feeling!

However, I think you should go with your gut to say no. While I definitely know what societal pressure to date feels like, do not let other people push you to do something you don't want to. When I was in high school, before I knew I was ace, I pushed myself to go on dates because I felt flattered by the attention and I was afraid of hurting their feelings. I kept telling myself I was supposed to want to date. But every time I pushed myself into the date, I was miserable because I was really uncomfortable and not into the guys.

I know it is scary because you are afraid of letting the opportunity past, but it is important to know what you really want and be true to yourself. I'm sure lots of others on AVEN will agree with me- don't let societal expectations make your decisions for you!

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2 minutes ago, Steel13 said:

I'm sure lots of others on AVEN will agree with me- don't let societal expectations make your decisions for you!

Yes!! You'll just end up hurting yourself and the other person trying to make something you know isn't going to happen, happen. 

 

I think to some extent we all want to feel wanted and feel like we fit in. It's a fundamental human characteristic to need the approval of others. It just gets super messy when you want people to think you're attractive but it's simultaneously also your worst nightmare 😂 (but that may just be me).

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I don't completely share the same feelings but I've always been a bit apprehensive when someone tells me they like me. Mainly because it's from people who barely know me so it's probably just aesthetic attraction. And there's a small part of me that thinks its a joke. For me people who have straight up told me they liked me before I barely knew them automatically made me disinterested. I hate the feeling of being around them knowing that they're just waiting for me to reciprocate. 

 

I was going to write more but completely blanked out. lol

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6 minutes ago, Steel13 said:

I know exactly what you're feeling!

However, I think you should go with your gut to say no. While I definitely know what societal pressure to date feels like, do not let other people push you to do something you don't want to. When I was in high school, before I knew I was ace, I pushed myself to go on dates because I felt flattered by the attention and I was afraid of hurting their feelings. I kept telling myself I was supposed to want to date. But every time I pushed myself into the date, I was miserable because I was really uncomfortable and not into the guys.

I know it is scary because you are afraid of letting the opportunity past, but it is important to know what you really want and be true to yourself. I'm sure lots of others on AVEN will agree with me- don't let societal expectations make your decisions for you!

Yes, I did politely turn him down! Thank you for your advice; it always feels so good to come on this site and get validation for what I'm feeling ❤️ 

 

On another note, I'm sorry you ended up in those uncomfortable dating situations. I'm glad you know now that that's not what you want.

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3 minutes ago, xxLAURxx said:

I think to some extent we all want to feel wanted and feel like we fit in. It's a fundamental human characteristic to need the approval of others. It just gets super messy when you want people to think you're attractive but it's simultaneously also your worst nightmare 😂 (but that may just be me).

Haha no, definitely not just you, I totally get that too! It's those dueling thoughts of "I hope you think I look good" and "oh no please don't ever think of me in that  (romantic or sexual) way". Those conflicting thoughts really do a number on me sometimes 😂

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7 minutes ago, Lockylocks said:

I hate the feeling of being around them knowing that they're just waiting for me to reciprocate. 

 

I was going to write more but completely blanked out. lol

Oof that's definitely one dread of mine - someone liking me in that way, and it's someone I'm around in my daily life. The situation I described in my post isn't that bad, because I can just turn this guy down and hopefully never actually encounter him. But if a friend or coworker told me they were interested in me, I think I would feel really uncomfortable around them.

 

Also that's so relatable that you blanked out. Sometimes I set out with something to say in a post and realize halfway through that I've lost the thought entirely.

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Just now, spooky_moss said:

Haha no, definitely not just you, I totally get that too! It's those dueling thoughts of "I hope you think I look good" and "oh no please don't ever think of me in that  (romantic or sexual) way". Those conflicting thoughts really do a number on me sometimes 😂

It literally the worst... especially when you go to a bar or something with friends (pre-covid of course) and you get all dressed up. It's so conflicting because on the one hand you better think I look good because this took for ever, but also you better not approach me because ill freak out inside 😂

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2 minutes ago, spooky_moss said:

But if a friend or coworker told me they were interested in me, I think I would feel really uncomfortable around them

I agree completely! This has happened a couple time to me with an acquaintance or classmate and after finding out I pretty much just avoided any further contact if at all possible. 

 

I always assumed I would be able to politely turn them down and move on, but I underestimated just how uncomfortable them thinking of me in that way made me feel. 

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Yea, I definitely understand this kind of feeling.

 

Just at the end of last year, a good friend of mine confessed to me and even though we talked it out as good as possible back then (I told him I was aro so I couldn't return his feelings), as days go by I notice how uncomfortable this situation really makes me feel. It partly freaks me out that my friend thinks of me in that way and I keep wishing for his feelings to disappear as soon as possible (I don't want this to sound rude or anything and I don't wish anything bad for him/I am sure this would be better for the both of us). He is very respectful and doesn't hit on me or anything (, which I HIGHLY appreciate) but I have this personal problem where I keep fearing that people might be interested in me in a romantic way (I truly hope this doesn't sound conceited; I've never really been hit on before but I've always been scared of it and especially since I realized I was aro and my friend confessed, it got worse).

So every time I talk to my friend, I automatically think about "Does he still like me in a romantic way?", "Does he say certain things to please me?" etc. . I really dislike this situation. He is such a wonderful human being and he really only deserves the best, which is why I'm having troubles bringing this topic up. I know that it would hurt him and I refuse to do that on purpose. I guess for now I'll stay quiet because neither me nor him want to lose our friendship. If these feelings of being uncomfortable get worse though, I will try my best to tell him that.

 

It's quite funny though: I've always loved the idea of romantic relationships and I was absolutely convinced that I wanted one myself (I kept fantasizing about it) but now, the more I think about having it in real life, the more I start to believe it is way too scary and it would be much easier without those kind of relationships (, which does not stop me from fantasizing though). I guess this might also be the impact of my friend confessing to me. Who knows if that is a good or bad thing...

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9 hours ago, Faleeria said:

He is very respectful and doesn't hit on me or anything but I have this personal problem where I keep fearing that people might be interested in me in a romantic way (I truly hope this doesn't sound conceited; I've never really been hit on before but I've always been scared of it and especially since I realized I was aro and my friend confessed, it got way worse).

I can totally relate to this! I have always been more nervous around men and I think it's mostly due to the fact I fear that they could possibly be interested in me (which I don't think there is a way to make that not sound conceited). This is one of the reasons I think I was so hesitant to call myself Aro, because if I get nervous around men I must be interested in them...right?...nope. I hope the more comfortable I get with being aro, the more at ease I will feel in situations I might have to reject people or explain my feelings to.

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I gotta be honest. If a girl told me she was attracted to me, I'd be all over that shit.

 

I'm so fucking desperate.

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On 1/15/2021 at 10:20 PM, spooky_moss said:

It's those dueling thoughts of "I hope you think I look good" and "oh no please don't ever think of me in that  (romantic or sexual) way". Those conflicting thoughts really do a number on me sometimes 😂

Ohhh I relate to this so much 😂 There have definitely been times when I've put extra effort in my appearance and I find myself trying to give off unapproachable body language and expressions so men don't think I'm doing it to entice them.

 

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On 1/15/2021 at 11:33 PM, Faleeria said:

Just at the end of last year, a relatively good friend of mine confessed to me and even though we talked it out as good as possible back then (I told him I was aro so I couldn't return his feelings), as days go by I notice how uncomfortable this situation really makes me feel.

I relate to this on several levels and it's making me rethink some things about my past 😅

 

1. There have been a couple of times that I had a pretty strong hunch that someone might be preparing to tell me they had feelings for me/wanted to ask me out and it was so uncomfortable. I was really afraid that I would panic in the moment and agree to date them because of social pressures so I would try to make it obvious that I had no interest in them. Which I doubt I handled well. It was probably really mean in hindsight and I still feel guilty about it. But in a weird way it felt kinder than rejecting them once they'd gotten the nerve up to confess? No fun for anyone, basically. 

 

2. I've had a lot of crushes. Many of them turned out to be aesthetic attraction that would go away as soon as they got a bad haircut or expressed some kind of intolerable personality trait. A few of them have lasted longer and involved the sort of fluttering feelings and fixation/infatuation that culture told me to expect. There were a few people that I really, really thought that I wanted to date but I never confessed because I assumed it would be deeply uncomfortable and unpleasant for them. Crushes in general are really embarrassing for me, so I only told one allo friend about that and she didn't relate at all. So I just chalked it up to past trauma from being bullied about being undesirable and went on with my life. I've always tried to get rid of crush feelings as soon as possible once I've realized that there's no chance of reciprocation. I just really don't like who I become when I have a crush.

 

On 1/15/2021 at 11:33 PM, Faleeria said:

It's quite funny though: I've always loved the idea of romantic relationships and I was absolutely convinced that I wanted one myself (I kept fantasizing about it) but now, the more I think about having it in real life, the more I start to believe it is way too scary and it would be much easier without those kind of relationships (, which does not stop me from fantasizing though).

I'm suddenly wondering if I'm as romantic as I think I am 😆 I really love the idea of being in a romantic relationship and I think it matters that I've never had firsthand experience of what reciprocal feelings are like. But every time I've had a crush I always end up being SO RELIEVED that I didn't confess because what if they'd liked me back and then I realized that I made a mistake and I didn't actually have feelings for them. Or we end up being really good friends and then the crush feeling goes away because I realize that we were never romantically compatible and I don't have to worry about lingering post-confession awkwardness. Why does this all have to be so much more confusing and weird than platonic relationships? I don't even know if I've added anything of value to the discussion, I'm just sitting here wondering how much of my experiences are things that some allos can relate to or if these are just signs of aceness that I missed.

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