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The painful combo of being sex-repulsed and having a high libido.


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Pretty much what it says in the title. I've identified on the asexual spectrum for a couple years now and like... my feelings towards sex fluctuate. I'm fine with reading about it in say, fanfiction or something, like if it's something I actively consent to reading it's perfectly fine. Sex scenes in books and movies.. I don't care for. IRL sex? never had it, doubt I will.So all in all, I'm typically pretty sex-repulsed.

 

However, this is in direct contrast with my generally high sex drive... especially just before my period. A lot of times, despite my own repulsion with sexual acts, I'll masturbate simply because of the urge to do so. However, during and especially after doing so, I'm overcome with a terrible sense of guilt and disgust and repulsion. Not in the sense that like masturbating is a shameful thing but simply because I'm so disgusted by sex and sexual acts. I just feel.... gross. Most recently it was bad enough that right after I finished, I was so disgusted that I immediately felt a wave of nausea and nearly threw up.

 

Just wondering if anyone is in the same boat as me, and how you deal with either getting over repulsion so you can enjoy things or how to deal with a high libido in a way that won't lead to feeling repulsed and icky...

 

thanks

 

 

EDIT:

Well, it's time for me to go on my tangent because I want to and I just wanna get my thoughts all typed out at the very least.

 

So, the topic of getting rid of that nagging feeling of desire... Trying to find a way to satisfy that feeling without feeling absolutely disgusted in myself.

 

This sounds crazy but: partnered sex.

 

Part of the reason, I think, I feel so gross and terrible in relation to masturbation comes from dysphoria and a general hatred for my own body. Which leads me to wonder: if having another person there would help fight that feeling of Ickiness... having a person there so that the feeling and the act of being sexual isn't entirely centered on me, having someone who loves me for who I am helping to get rid of that urge, rather than giving pleasure by my own hand (uh, literally)

 

Of course, there's no way to know if this helps unless I try it, which is a terrifying concept. I currently have a Best Friend, our relationship status is complicated but I have made my strong platonic/aesthetic and growing romantic feelings for them clear. They're my best friend and I trust them with my life and they're, as of right now, the only person I'd ever trust with my body.

 

Am I sexually attracted to them? No.

 

If they were sexually attracted to me? I'd be weirded out at first but if sex is something they wanted to do and if I had a particular urge to satisfy I wouldn't say no? Especially in regards to everything above.

 

In Summary: No, I don't actively want sex, no I don't experience sexual attraction, but I do get horny sometimes. I am repulsed at dealing with horniness on my own, but interested in the idea of partnered sex, as an emotional support more than anything... I also see sex as a symbol of trust and connection, even if I'm not experiencing that kind of attraction.

Edited by frog-77
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I understand how you feel. I don't have high libido, maybe 3x in year I find myself physically turned on without reason. I think it has to do something with my period cycle and it's purely physical. I don't want or desire to touch myself. So I use to cross my legs and it helps to relieve tension (I think it's the only way of masturbation for me) - sorry for TMI. During that my thoughts about sex are extremely repulsive. I don't know how to put it in words. It's repulsive to the point I'll get off quickly. Does it make sense? And after that I feel so so so bad and gross. I'm disgusted from myself. So I'm trying to ignore that physical urge. I want to avoid myself feel those guilty and gross feelings. 

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2 hours ago, Taemi said:

 So I'm trying to ignore that physical urge. I want to avoid myself feel those guilty and gross feelings. 

That's what I try to do, but like it's just comes down to my own impulsivity- the fact that the sensation of pleasure itself feels good and it'll make the urge go away leads me to make the snap decision to take care of things. Then I get the same icky gross regret feeling like I always do, and say 'wow I should never do that again' only to do it again the next time the impulse becomes strong enough.

 

I suppose my impulsivity in that sense (it's probably ADHD) is another matter... I just need to like find some way to either

  • get rid of my desires in a way that doesn't absolutely disgust me (I have a whole different tangent about this wow)

or

  • find a way to distract myself and focus my attention elsewhere, on an activity that won't lead to the gross, icky feeling I get regarding masturbation

 

I kind of want to go on to the tangent regarding other ways to get rid of my desires but I suppose I could just make it a different thread completely

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27 minutes ago, frog-77 said:

'wow I should never do that again' only to do it again the next time the impulse becomes strong enough.

Yeah, I do know this feeling. It's awful.

 

29 minutes ago, frog-77 said:

get rid of my desires in a way that doesn't absolutely disgust me

I would like to think about something nice during that at least, but my thoughts are always disgusting.

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God mood. My situation is basically exactly the same, and then I'll feel nauseous and uncomfortable for days after sometimes. Sometimes I even feel gross during it, but the urge to get satisfy the... itch, let's say, is stronger.

And I don't even like it! It doesnt even feel that good! But if I do nothing, it'll stick around intrusive thought style for 5 million years! It's the worst.

Honestly, I don't really have any advice. My therapist has suggested mindfulness before, but in my experience that makes it worse because then you're basically just sitting with the feeling. So idk. But at the very least, you're not alone in this hellscape 😓

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15 minutes ago, MaryPenelope said:

God mood. My situation is basically exactly the same, and then I'll feel nauseous and uncomfortable for days after sometimes. Sometimes I even feel gross during it, but the urge to get satisfy the... itch, let's say, is stronger.

And I don't even like it! It doesnt even feel that good! But if I do nothing, it'll stick around intrusive thought style for 5 million years! It's the worst.

Honestly, I don't really have any advice. My therapist has suggested mindfulness before, but in my experience that makes it worse because then you're basically just sitting with the feeling. So idk. But at the very least, you're not alone in this hellscape 😓

god it's good to know I'm not alone in this feeling at least....

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Janus the Fox

Moved to Asexual Musings and Rantings

 

Janus DarkFox

Weekends Asexual Relationships, Current Questions about Asexuality, Asexual Musings and Rantings & Open Mic Moderator

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  • 1 month later...
idontwantt_otalkaboutit

I FEEL THE SAME WAY!!! At least the first part. Sorry for my excitement I'm just so glad I'm not alone

 

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I'll admit, I've felt the same way as well. For my whole life I've known I am asexual, even when I lost my virginity at 16 (sorry, if it's TMI), I felt nothing during or after, didn't even care that it even happened. From then on, I never felt sexual attraction or desire towards others, simply had sex with those I was in a relationship with as they weren't faithful whether I had sex or not, and I got tired of men trying to force me to change my asexuality, so I just gave into sexual relations through pressure and fear of being targeted by others. TBH, I only ever have a high libido during my menstrual cycle, it's either during, or for 2-3 days AFTER it occurs, and it drives me insane honestly. It drives me insane because I don't experience sexual attraction towards others, I do not want sexual intimacy (never have), I never enjoyed it nor felt anything for it the times I've had it, and it just feels wrong to me -- so a high libido during my cycle upsets me greatly, frustrates me because I don't like to masturbate either, as I've never found that attractive at all. . . so honestly, I just let the high libido ride its wave and ignore it, distract myself with graduate school work, my dogs, writing my novel, etc, anything that helps me ignore the bodily sensations of this, I distract myself with. Although, I do have a hormonal imbalance, and now that I'm back on treatment for that, my OB has told me both my cycle and libido will go away indefinitely with the treatment plan I am getting into to regulate all of this... so fingers crossed this annoying libido goes away LOL. Sorry all if this is TMI. Just trying to be helpful and supportive :). 

 

Like others in this group, I'm glad I'm not alone in it either. Sometimes talking to my close friends, family, and those I know about my asexuality, they do not understand, cannot comprehend this, nor can they even see how asexuality actually is very real, and how there are people that are naturally asexual. So these forums are always a positive to have and to be able to interact with others. 

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An Awkward Ace

I created an account just to put a reply..I struggle with this exact thing! Reading through the replies on this thread has really helped me out! I feel disgusting for even thinking about masterbating, but I'm trying to accept it as part of being human. 😅

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  • 4 months later...
MoonDragon27

I'm in a somewhat similar boat. 

[Explicit words may be used in the following commentary. ]

I'm Asexual Repulsed. High libido around and during menstruation. Disgusted with any sort of self "touching". I lost my virginity at a young age, and though a bad habit to have, I often find myself wanting to be the cause of my partners arousal. For attention? Or to see that they're still into me? I'm not sure. Though that's where it ends, and I'm pushing away any further advances from there. My libido problem is amongst that, since if there's anything further than persay a visible boner in the pants or clenched thighs, I'm emediently turned off at the thought of it leading to sex, or if theres a sudden stripping of sorts. I'm a highly romantic person, and affection is most often one of my greatest love languages. I often come out as a tease, which is understandable. Never have I ever had an orgasam of any sort, nor do I wish to / belive it will ever happen. I think that might make libido worse? Almost, sexually frustrated, but without wanting to act opon it? Sometimes I feel bad for confusing my partner, so I may grit through sex then with a very patient partner. I've unfortunately thrown up many times in the past so im not sure how much of it is worth it to them? Lmao. Its just a gross situation for me all in all.  

Edited by MoonDragon27
Spelling error XD
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Sweet Flowers

I'm extremely repulsed. Even being aroused triggers it. My libido isn't always high, but sometimes it's more intense than others and it's pretty hard not to masturbate. The only reason I don't is because I was left with even stronger disgust at myself both during the process and when I orgasmed the few times I did try it and I couldn't shake it for anywhere between hours and days after. All I can do is try to distract myself until it goes away.

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  • 2 months later...
JupiterThunderbird

I feel pretty much the same. I wake up with wood, I feel 'sexual' a lot of the time in the sense that I have arousal feelings and sensations however they are not directed at anyone or anything. I guess it's just being a guy and testosterone flowing through me.

 

I absolutely don't want to act those feelings out with anyone.

 

The very thought of climbing into bed with someone makes me feel very nauseous indeed let alone grinding against someone and engaging in sexual acts. I managed one time to do it for about 2 minutes but it felt so alien to me. I thought to myself "Never again." I don't get why everyone is so into it. It makes me feel ill, the very thought of it.

 

So yes, I think you can be sex repulsed and also have a high libido. I don't know though if libido is the right word because I tend to think of it as meaning having the drive to have sex however I guess it can be used as a catch-all term for having the underlying feelings pertaining to sex whether one acts out on it or not.

 

You are not alone in this. I kinda wish I had no feelings at all. When I release and have emptied the tank so to speak of all such feelings I think how wonderful my life would be if I felt like that all the time.

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  • 2 weeks later...

This is from quite a long time ago but I can relate to this so much. I feel the exact same way as what you describe. My libido is pretty active and intensifies around my period. I feel very sex repulsed as well. I am grossed out by the thought of doing anything sexual and am not turned on by porn or sex scenes in shows. I am pretty tolerant and neutral about sex scenes in shows or books or music, it's everywhere so I think I'm just desensitized by it. Sometimes I can appreciate the "choreography" and filming of a sex scene in a movie when it's well done. But overall I don't like it. If I want to pleasure myself, I feel disgusted from it, but of course I would never sex shame anyone, it's part of the whole spectrum of human existence. During the act of pleasuring myself I have always since I can remember dealt with it by dissociating, mentally blocking it out. I have known how to pleasure myself since a very young age, and it is always just a "wanting to get it over with as fast as possible" sort of thing. But I don't dislike it enough that I want to try anything to decrease my libido. It's just this love hate feeling I've had my whole life. 

I think I also carry some pretty deep seated shame with masturbation too, which is probably a cultural thing. It definitely magnifies my sex repulsion though. I've had bad dreams about touching myself and then realizing I'm somewhere extremely public like, on a highway overpass.

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CincinnatiAsexual

I've never had sex, but my wife and I do have orgasms without having intercourse. I have never desired sex, but my libido is such that I masturbate every week. I assume it's my body's way of nudging me to have sex. I have never been aroused by porn. It's a completely physical thing, and nothing to do with arousal in my case.

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  • 4 months later...
Isitrayening

YES! With books and movies, I actually tend to somewhat enjoy the leading up to sex and it happening but without great detail, and I fantasize about things as well, but only the leading up to things is comfy for me. I 100% feel the whole disgust and ick thing about masturbating even though I want to feel something in that way, if just feels “wrong.” I personally thing I’m grey asexual (fluctuating sexual ATTRACTION) bc I do feel sexual attraction sometimes, but I do become repulsed when I actually think about having sex with someone. Even with my partner of 3 years whom I love, sex is a very uncomfortable and gross thing for me. And I absolutely hate the *things* that happen to my “southern region”, which is  mostly bottom dysphoria. And all those things together suck, because I do have a high libido and no comfortable way to release that desire 🙃

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  • 2 months later...

You described exactly how I feel as well. I am absolutely digusted by the idea of me having sex. Like I hate it so much. But my dumbass libido just has to exist 😭😭😭 like get out of here stupid libido I dont want you. And the thing you said about masturbation. YUP. LITERALLY.

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hudsonvalley76

I am also sex repulsed. I am a female. I don't have a libido anymore. I lost it at age 42. I am 45 years old now. But when I did have a libido I use to masturbate with pillows. Basically I would thrust a wadded up pillow between my legs while fully clothed. The friction against my clitoris would give me pretty strong orgasms. This was a good compromise for me.

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  • 3 months later...
RepulsedAcespikeVibes

Yeah, I share the same thing. Athough im still young, I find it gross to have anything to do with dating or anything similar to that, but for some reason I have high libido just a few days before my cycle. I hate it, I hate it, and it makes me so mad I have no way to get rid of it. (I also have a condition where using hormone control could kill me yay) 
I see my friends swooning over people, and everyone telling me that I'll want to date and have kids and such, but I just dont get it. Why would you want to date someone? It only stops you from living for yourself. Kids? Hell nah, thanks, ive thought about it enough.
When I was 12 years old I was actually hypersexual, but was totally repulsed by it. I would do anything I could to get rid of that "itch" that plauged me when I used the bathroom, took a shower, slept, etc. But I was disgusted by it. I literally considered suicide to stop doing it, because I felt so digusting and gross. Just like everyone else, you whore; thats what I would think and I couldnt stop it. 
I mean like, it took me about a year to stop myself, and ever since I got my period my STUPID libido is like "Im not done with you yet." 
So... yeah. I've never talked or said anything about this to anyone before, not even my therapist or in my journals. Its absolutely horrible to me, and I wish that I could wipe my memories and forget about it. So im glad I found people like me, that im able to let this go and move on with my life. Thanks for reading if you did lol.

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Can you deliberately separate the connection between masturbation and sex? I find masturbation works best if I treat it as a mindfulness exercise and focus solely on physical sensations. Sometimes I set a two-minute timer to keep myself from getting distracted, which is usually plenty of time to finish the task. I went through a phase of thinking or reading about sex while masturbating but it just slowed the whole process down and made it more likely that either I'd get bored or distracted and never finish, or that I'd gross myself out and feel icky afterwards.

 

I don't really see urge to masturbate as libido. It's a way of quickly achieving physical relaxation, which is useful if I'm anxious about something as my body tenses up and I get pains in my stomach etc as a result. If I'm not anxious, there's no need. Similar to breathing exercises, I guess, which are my way of getting my body to relax if I'm in public. It's not something that I have an innate drive to do when everything is fine, but it's a useful trick in stressful situations.

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Violet Evergarden 31

⚠️Words used may contain : trauma, messed up words, sexual behavioural words/actions or dying, please read at your own discretion.

So I wanted to share my own experiences pertaining to sex. I came across this concept for the 1st time as a 6-7 year old girl late night with my family after a party. A pervert on the street was molesting some ladies intentionally and almost reached mom, trying to touch her privates. I was shocked because even as a child I felt something was wrong in that moment (maybe it was the face that he made) and Dad immediately started punching him (people surrounded us, but understanding what happened, some of them joined as well) We called the police and they arrested him. I was crying quite a lot because of being scared that they could have been injured and later on, as a 14/15 year old teen, the same thing happened to me with my family again. I couldn't bear it as he touched me TWICE so I climbed up the stairs at the same time giving him a very angry look while mouthing some very f*cked up words (I took that action because 1. I didn't want to draw any unwanted attention to myself & family and 2. I was scared if he tried to stalk me again later on and harm me/my family. Meanwhile my family asked me what had happened, I told them and they were angry that they didn't realise the situation sooner. I told them I was fine, but from then on, I became wary of people following me (like being sensitive to gazes). Even after all that, I had a one-sided crush on a boy similar to my age. Other girls also fawned over him, but surprisingly I was a bit okay with that, still I had mixed feelings because I was curious about romantic love, that wasn't my self. But it all came crashing down when he was found dead in a road accident. We weren't even 18 back then and my guilt grew more (although it wasn't my fault) I started repulsing sex to such an extent that it gave me PTSD of the past and to an extreme extent thoughts of dying (I only imagined it already happened and threw away that thought). I hated both myself and my body for feeling like that, so I ended up liking to get beatings for making silly mistakes unintentionally (not exactly an attention seeker though) When it comes to sex portrayed in books & media sources, I don't get disgusted, but I don't like it either, a guilty pleasure, still I tend to masturbate while having extreme stress or my cycle period. But it makes me think how me as a person, would be no different from those pleasure-seeking perverts like animals do. Even upto the current me, I detest the animal instinct of sex with anyone (I'm neither asexual nor bi, but dirty thoughts you know, I felt horny towards girls as well which horrified me cuz I'm of the same gender) The problemnc is that in family discussions, topics regarding sex are regarded as a "waste of time" or one failing to get a grip on reality check, so it feels awkward to mention it. Seeing so many others facing this problem made me realise that I am not alone and that it was okay to doubt the concept of sexuality, not only love-based, but instinctual as well :') moreover some who never even discover this problem, having different reasons/issues. Time may or may not heal mental wounds, but I believe abstinence would be an extreme measure only to those who want to give up on worldy pleasures completely. We seek satisfaction in all sense (body/mind/spirit/heart) since humans have a spectrum of personalities with body types, unfortunately not all can be categorised. I can only hope that either we change/adapt as a person or bear/deal with it in a manner that doesn't affect one in a wrong way.

Thank you for reading this to the very end and feel free to correct me as I have yet to understand the concept of love/sex, so it may be inadequate. Sorry for the long rambling and have a good day ahead!

Edited by Violet Evergarden 31
Just wanted to clarify some points I mentioned in the post
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  • 7 months later...

Yikes. What a shame to see I’m not alone in this… I know this thread hasn’t been touched in a long while (lol) but I would be remiss if I didn’t add my two cents.

 

I’ve always been uninterested in sex and relationships, even as a teen. My best friend eventually confessed to me and I attempted to go along with it, hugs and what not, but… I felt nothing. Touching, holding hands, hugging, kissing even, I never felt butterflies or giddy or happy or arousal it was just something on par with putting on a shirt or picking up a dropped pen. There was nothing arousing or romantic about it to me. Guilt ate away at me for years because of it. If left up to me, sex only happens once every three months. I just don’t get aroused often, and when I do I hate it. I often ignore the feeling as best I can until it depletes (I’ve found using the bathroom to urinate or have a bowel movement gets rid of the feeling entirely lol) or I will quickly rub one out, treating it like a chore and being annoyed the whole time.  My partner knows I struggle and still loves me and respects my boundaries. Honestly I’m shocked, we’ve been together over 10 years & he is the embodiment of Gomez Addams. Never stopping showing his adoration for me and is patient with me when I don’t want to be touched. We’ve talked about intimacy many times and he always reassures me that he doesn’t need to get off to experience that fulfillment, he’s happy to just hug and cuddle. I feel horrible that even when I want to give him sex I just can’t experience arousal. I’m so used to getting off quickly my body doesn’t understand how to stay in a state of arousal. There have been times where I do enjoy sex, he knows how to rock my world, let’s leave it at that. But that’s when I’m actually in the mood for it, as rare as it is. Even knowing he can reduce me to a mess, completely blissed out from his actions I still don’t feel the need or desire for it. It’s so confusing and feels so … odd to me. Because humans seem addicted to the act, and I’m like… yeah, I get it, it can be fun but I don’t need it. I often feel like something is deeply wrong with me.  All I can say is, I’m incredibly fortunate that I’ve found a partner who respects me and has never once pressured me for sex or sexual favors. Hell, he’s such a good man that if we are in the middle of sex and I can’t handle it or I say stop he stops and makes sure I’m okay, it’s more important that I’m alright than him getting off. And yes, he’s a heterosexual male and I’m a heterosexual female. I think I just got lucky that I found an amazing man who respects my boundaries. 

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