Naiwen romantic musings and rantings masterpost, merged

[Naiwen]

I’d like to know how it feels to be a heteroromantic ace and how do you say no to sex with your partner? As a sex-repulsed aro-ace, this feels quite miserable for both of you to me personally.

[Janus the Fox]

Moved to Romantic and Aromantic Orientations

 

Please remember Romanticism are not miserable experiences.

 

Janus DarkFox

Weekends Asexual Relationships, Current Questions about Asexuality, Asexual Musings and Rantings & Open Mic Moderator

[Naiwen]

43 minutes ago, Janus DarkFox said:

Moved to Romantic and Aromantic Orientations

 

Please remember Romanticism are not miserable experiences.

 

Janus DarkFox

Weekends Asexual Relationships, Current Questions about Asexuality, Asexual Musings and Rantings & Open Mic Moderator

For me it seems a miserable situation to be in being a heteroromantic ace impo.

[Steel13]

I  consider myself a heteroromantic asexual person. I have never had trouble saying no sex to men I have considered dating, but that means that I have to be okay with rejection.  I try to lay out my feelings on sex relatively early, like the first or second date and I am firm about what I want in a relationship. I have not met a man yet who did not need sex and want it right off the bat, but that is just my experience. Because my sexuality is not obvious to people and people assume that I am heterosexual, there is often anger/disappointment/confusion that I need to sort through with them. I do understand there side of the situation, so I never lead anyone on, but it can be quite tiring to deal with sometimes. Personally, I think I'm giving up on trying to date allosexuals, as I am too sex-repulsed to make a compromise work. Only dating asexual men gives me a very small pool to work with, but I think it will lead to less heartbreak and frustration.

Anyway, I just think it is important to be clear about what your needs are and what you are willing to do/not do.

[everywhere and nowhere]

Just mentioning that it's spelled "heteroromantic". Double "-ro-", because the prefix ends with the same syllable with which "romantic" begins.

But I'm fortunately not heteroromantic, so that was kinda all I have to say on the topic.

[Naiwen]

2 minutes ago, Nowhere Girl said:

Just mentioning that it's spelled "heteroromantic". Double "-ro-", because the prefix ends with the same syllable with which "romantic" begins.

But I'm fortunately not heteroromantic, so that was kinda all I have to say on the topic.

Oops, my bad.

[Kristenz]

Heteroromantic here! Just like you, I'm still figuring it out. I haven't been back in the dating scene for a while (mostly for logistical reasons - trying to sort out my career). 

 

Sometimes, just like you, I feel like being a heteroromantic ace is difficult since so many guys have high sex drives and are allo. And that's why I plan on just stating outright on my profile that I identify as ace, or let them know early on in the conversation even if they get all defensive and confused. Weed out the ones who constantly need sex...

[Sarah-Sylvia]

I think it's probably harder to be a heteroromantic woman, specifically for the reasons @Kristenzand @Steel13mentioned.

In my case I'm biromantic though, and it might just happen that I end up with a woman, because so far I haven't met any men who're ok with no sex (they were all allo tho of course). I like Steel's approach to be direct about it, because it's not fun teetering around one side hoping there's no sex and the other hoping there will be.

[Blue eyes white dragon]

I've only had one situation with a guy before I realized I'm ace. He was very considerate of my feelings at first but then just wanted to only do sexual activities. That was hurtful. But from hearing good stories, I think as long as you and your partner are honest, understanding, and considerate, it should be fine. Also being open from the beginning should help.

[Taemi]

I'm heteroromantic asexual. I realized I could be an ace after break up. So during relationship I was keep thinking one day I would want to have sex with him, but that day didn't come. We were in relationship almost 3 years. I used to think about myself I'm broken because I didn't understand why I can't imagine myself to want to have sex? I gave myself second chance in next relationship, but it last only 3 months and it was only about kissing - the reason of break up wasn't connected to my asexuality. It's 5 years since then and I'm still single. I was trying to date someone, but it didn't get to real first date, because I was strongly repulsed by them talking about sex. What's the point to start anything with someone who has head full of sexual thoughts. I'm really ok with being single and I don't desire to be in relationship anymore. I can find somebody attractive to me very rarely and to find asexual man is almost impossible. 

[Artemis42]

I'm heteroromantic, though I've never been in a relationship nor am I looking to be in one at the moment.

I agree with everyone else here about being open and upfront from the start with any potential partners.

Personally I don't see why or how being heteroromantic would be any more or less "miserable" than being any other romantic orientation. They're just ways of being.

Sorry I couldn't contribute more to the conversation lol.

[Naiwen]

Romantic love is overrated and over-hyped for me personally as a sex-repulsed aro-ace as is sex. Romance and sex are just so repulsive to me personally that I can’t even stand the thought of it. Now, romantic love doesn’t even exist for me personally because I don’t experience it. It’s just a chemical reaction, nothing more to me personally. One that I don’t feel and it’s just unnecessary, pointless and useless. And also impo, you can’t make someone happy, at least I don’t experience happiness that way personally because I’m happy enough on my own irl myself in a nutshell.

[Artemis42]

Heteroromantic here.

I guess, technically speaking, romantic attraction is "just a chemical reaction", but so is every emotion, and that doesn't make them less meaningful to the people experiencing them. Like, the happiness I feel when I listen to a song I love is just a chemical reaction in my brain, but that doesn't make the song any less special to me.

I'm not sure what you mean about not being able to make people happy. Of course no relationship of any kind is going to be 100% happy and awesome all the time, but good, healthy relationships do tend to make the people in them happy in general.

Of course your feelings are valid and being repulsed by sex and romance is totally okay, I just thought I'd give my own perspective.

[LazyPilgrim]

It's just weird. People throw their hearts, minds, bodies, and souls into love, and most of the time, they seem to come off worse. Volumes of poetry and hours of song on one subject. People even killing themselves - or getting killed. And I'm just standing here like "OK."

[Naiwen]

8 hours ago, LazyPilgrim said:

It's just weird. People throw their hearts, minds, bodies, and souls into love, and most of the time, they seem to come off worse. Volumes of poetry and hours of song on one subject. People even killing themselves - or getting killed. And I'm just standing here like "OK."

Yep they even obsess over and stalk someone who doesn’t love them back.

[Naiwen]

How do you feel as a romantic after a break-up or a divorce? After my 2 break-ups with my 2 exes, I've felt literally nothing as an a romantic or sexual person because I haven't been sexually and romantically attracted to them. I've also never given them back the gifts they've bought me because I've never seen them again after my break-ups for me personally. I think my 2 exes have been 2 heart-broken to ask for me to see me again and they've wanted me to have a token from them to remind me that they have existed in my life. But for me personally, relationships and break-ups don't disrupt my own life, happiness or health in general as an aro-ace myself. 

[serpentyne]

Well. As a quoiromantic (someone who can't distinguish between romantic and platonic attraction) I honestly don't really understand love either. I like romantic tropes and such, but they don't really feel real to me and I can't envision myself in a real relationship, and to be honest, I don't understand some of the characters' actions in why they do what they do. It feels surreal to know that some people would actually die for their lover(s), and honestly I don't understand any of it. Not saying that anyone like this is wrong, I'm just saying it doesn't really make sense to me to throw yourself into it for the sake of love. Maybe I'm just young and inexperienced, but I don't really see why people would so readily risk heartbreak and misery for something that doesn't seem very reliable. 

[Naiwen]

12 minutes ago, serpentyne said:

Well. As a quoiromantic (someone who can't distinguish between romantic and platonic attraction) I honestly don't really understand love either. I like romantic tropes and such, but they don't really feel real to me and I can't envision myself in a real relationship, and to be honest, I don't understand some of the characters' actions in why they do what they do. It feels surreal to know that some people would actually die for their lover(s), and honestly I don't understand any of it. Not saying that anyone like this is wrong, I'm just saying it doesn't really make sense to me to throw yourself into it for the sake of love. Maybe I'm just young and inexperienced, but I don't really see why people would so readily risk heartbreak and misery for something that doesn't seem very reliable. 

Exactly how I feel about it. 

[banana monkey]

47 minutes ago, Naiwen said:

How do you feel as a romantic after a break-up or a divorce? After my 2 break-ups with my 2 exes, I've felt literally nothing as a romantic ace or sexual person because I haven't been sexually and romantically attracted to them. I've also never given them back the gifts they've bought me because I've never seen them again after my break-ups for me personally. I think my 2 exes have been 2 heart-broken to ask for me to see me again and they've wanted me to have a token from them to remind me that they have existed in my life. But for me personally, relationships and break-ups don't disrupt my own life, happiness or health in general as aro-ace myself. 

hmm, this is interesting. I have only had one relationship. I broke up with them so its likely I wasnt as affected as they were. I didnt really feel much for the 1st few weeks but then I began to miss them and sort of regret breaking up with them. (I knew breaking up with them was best but I also did it to save the friendship we had before so I missed them as a friend and spending time with them. If I had realised they had fallen so hard the friendship was at risk anyway I would have fought harder for the relationship rather than sacrificing the relationship for the friendship). 4  months down the line is was sort of as though I had to grieve for the relationship. I remember the exact moment I realised and began to come to term with it. I cried that morning as I began to be sad to lose them. I think I wanted more of a QP relationship and although they gave me no indication they had deep feelings they had fallen hard romantically for me so were heartbroken. I had to wait about 8 or 9 months before they were ready to meet as friends (which we agreed we would do when we broke up) and then after meeting up twice, I didnt know if they were that keen so decided I would wait for them to initiate the next meeting given that I had arranged the last 2. They never did initiate anything so we have lost touch now. If they had I wanted to get back together but they obviously didnt want that. 

[Naiwen]

6 minutes ago, banana monkey said:

hmm, this is interesting. I have only had one relationship. I broke up with them so its likely I wasnt as affected as they were. I didnt really feel much for the 1st few weeks but then I began to miss them and sort of regret breaking up with them. (I knew breaking up with them was best but I also did it to save the friendship we had before so I missed them as a friend and spending time with them. If I had realised they had fallen so hard the friendship was at risk anyway I would have fought harder for the relationship rather than sacrificing the relationship for the friendship). 4  months down the line is was sort of as though I had to grieve for the relationship. I remember the exact moment I realised and began to come to term with it. I cried that morning as I began to be sad to lose them. I think I wanted more of a QP relationship and although they gave me no indication they had deep feelings they had fallen hard romantically for me so were heartbroken. I had to wait about 8 or 9 months before they were ready to meet as friends (which we agreed we would do when we broke up) and then after meeting up twice, I didnt know if they were that keen so decided I would wait for them to initiate the next meeting given that I had arranged the last 2. They never did initiate anything so we have lost touch now. If they had I wanted to get back together but they obviously didnt want that. 

I haven't felt anything at all myself for my ex best male college mate. They've been pinning for me for over 15 years without telling me, hiding their feelings for me and with me being completely oblivious to it myself. They've even bought me gifts and I haven't understood they've had feelings for me personally because as an aro-ace, I just don't feel sexual or romantic attraction at all myself to anyone and don't notice it generally speaking. In the end, I've blocked him on FB and I have never seen him again either in person for 1-2 years currently in life. 

[Naiwen]

So, my personal issue here is that many men and women fall for me without me noticing it. I just don't pay attention to these things myself at all until it's too late. So yeah, what does unrequited love feel like as a male or female? As a sex-repulsed aro-ace, I can't reciprocate their feelings because I don't have feelings for anyone at all personally. I just wanna stay single and celibate for life. My best male college mate has been in love with me for 15 years and still is, a male friend I've known for over a decade has just confessed to me today. I'm overwhelmed today. Some advice please. Thank you all for your responses. When you have male friends whom have fallen head over heals in love with for a very long time and you're just like : "I've had no idea about it, sorry!". Should I apologize to them for not returning their romantic and sexual attraction to me? And I've finally found out that many male friends have been crushing on me very hard without me knowing about it for a very long time too. What's it like to be in love/crush on someone for long so long too?

[Sarah-Sylvia]

People don't usually fall in love with someone unless there's something there between them (not saying it doesn't happen). Maybe you mean crushes. People do get them, but it should be easy enough to let go when you know the other person isn't interested in something beyond friendship. (can still cause a bit of crying  if they were really hoping.)

I will say my feelings for someone I fell in love with did come back later on. But besides a few good feelings or feelings of regret, the feelings I had for people besides that, crushes, don't stay or at least they aren't very strong when there wasn't much between us.

[nineGardens]

Okay, so... (A) Asking about Sex/romance feelings on a Ace form *may* give mixed results, with several people guessing, but not really experiencing those things.
That said, as someone who is romantic, I can probably at least try to answer some of your question.

 

 

Have you ever been homesick?

Have you ever travelled to a country that is far from home, and like... the culture is just slightly off, and the food is different, and potentially even the language is different, and there's a whole bunch of people you care about who aren't nearby. Maybe you're in a different timezone, see even calling people is really hard.

And then when you *do* get to go home, everything feels... right. Warm, Nourishing, Familiar, easy. Its like you're no longer walking up hill.

If you've done that, great, if not... well, probably this example ain't going to work so well, but oh well.

 

Having romantic love that you can't act on is kind of like being homesick for a person. If you still get to interact with them, then you get these weird moments of feeling "At home" and "Warm/nourished", and then there's a reminder that you *can't* actually be with them, and that... can hurt.

But not as much as like, permanently leaving, so you hang around, and get some of that home feeling some of the time... but also the dislocation of not having it too. (In the long term, maybe leaving is easier, maybe it isn't. Who knows. Depends on the people involved.)

 

So... that's my best description of unrequited love. (Which can be different to crushes. I've described relatively high intensity, but I can't say where it is your friends are at, it may be lower, so take with a grain of salt)

 

I can't really tell you about the sexual half of that, because that ain't one I'm familiar with.

 

 

 

 

Now, it's also really important to mention that none of this stuff is YOUR responsibility. This is on them, not you.

There are some thing you can do to help though.

It really helps if you are up front with people, and consistent. 

When you find stuff out, and say no to someone, give people the *invitation* to take a few days away from you to decide how they feel, and make it clear that they CAN pull back a bit if that's what they need... without implying that's what you want.

It's okay to say "Sorry I couldn't be the partner you wanted" or whatever, but be very clear in your own head: this is not an apology. You don't OWE a relationship to anybody. This is "Sorry" in the sense of "Sorry you had a car accident" or "Sorry to hear you didn't get the job";  this is condolences and sympathy, not an apology .

 

Try to be gentle, and generally it is best to AVOID talking to people who have a crush on you about your other relationships (not really a problem for you being Aro-Ace). I had a Ex for a few years who gave me bi-annual updates on her getting togeather/breaking up and yearning for a functioining relationship, which was... not super healthy for me.  Basically, accept that they are still your friend, and you can still reach out to each other for support, but be aware of what kind of support you ask for or provide, and try to decide if this is fair on the other person (and on you).

 

 

[Naiwen]

15 minutes ago, Sarah-Sylvia said:

People don't usually fall in love with someone unless there's something there between them. Maybe you mean crushes. People do get them, but it should be easy enough to let go when you know the other person isn't interested in something beyond friendship. (can still cause a bit of crying  if they were really hoping.)

I will say my feelings for someone I fell in love with did come back later on. But besides a few good feelings or feelings of regret, the feelings I had for people besides that, crushes, don't stay or at least they aren't very strong when there wasn't much between us.

Ever heard of "love at 1st sight?" I guess that's what's happening with them because all they've seen is my profile pic, nothing more. Which I myself do find a bit odd and weird. Can you fall in love with just a picture online?

[Sarah-Sylvia]

9 minutes ago, Naiwen said:

Ever heard of "love at 1st sight?" I guess that's what's happening with them because all they've seen is profile pic, nothing more. Which I myself do find a bit odd and weird. Can you fall in love with just a picture online?

I'd like to say no, but of course it 'can' happen. But it's hard for me to believe that it'd happen like that.  I mean some people's feelings get ahead of themselves, so instead of just a crush they might have created a deeper image of you (in them) and feel stronger than just a crush, but love at first sight is very rare. I have one cousin who's wife said it was practically love at first sight when she met him, like thunder struck and she just had to get to know him. That's the only case I know of. But even then someone would think 'oh ok i probably jumped the gun on that one' once they find out the other person isn't interested, and try to better manage their feelings.

I think that young people, like teens, might sometimes get in over their heads with their feelings because they're less experienced. And it just came to mind that I know almost nothing about how autistic people feel around these things, so it's possible, if they are, that it's a bit different there, or that they're not using the right words to describe how they feel.

 

I'm just going by what I know. It really seems weird if it'd happen that much.

[Sarah-Sylvia]

11 minutes ago, nineGardens said:

Now, it's also really important to mention that none of this stuff is YOUR responsibility. This is on them, not you.

Yeah it's good to mention that.
Not to say you can't turn down someone softly. But no one has any responsibility to answer a certain way someone else's feelings. If you're not interested, you're not interested, and they need to accept that. But if they're a friend then obviously someone might want to add 'But I hope we can still be good friends' or whatever feels good.

[Naiwen]

3 minutes ago, Sarah-Sylvia said:

Yeah it's good to mention that.
Not to say you can't turn down someone softly. But no one has any responsibility to answer a certain way someone else's feelings. If you're not interested, you're not interested, and they need to accept that. But if they're a friend then obviously someone might want to add 'But I hope we can still be good friends' or whatever feels good.

I find it so hard having to hurt them though.

[Sarah-Sylvia]

7 minutes ago, Naiwen said:

I find it so hard having to hurt them though.

Really. Well, that's good to know, but I guess the way to see it is that it's better to cut it off sooner than later, because if they think you might be interested then the feelings might grow. So you could say it's better for them to turn them down than leave it in the air. It hurts, but at least they then get to move on sooner and when it hasn't built as much.

Hurt can happen because we get invested emotionally. They should be careful not to invest too much when you're not even interested in romantic relationships, and have a lot going on with you.

[Naiwen]

Why do I never see them again after turning them down? Both online and offline except that one online male friend on FB. But all the other men and women I’ve rejected, they’ve all suddenly vanished into thin air from my life forever right after. I’m puzzled by their behavior personally as an aro-ace. Have they taken it so badly that they don’t want to see me ever again?

[Purple Red Panda]

It's difficult to say. Perhaps they are embarrassed, or find rejection painful. Possibly they were only interested in the idea of a romantic and/or sexual relationship and not friendship. It might be different for each person.