Social Pressure on aspec people

[just_a_human]

Hi everyone.

 

I was wondering how you cope with the pressure of people that expect you to are sexual, since it is the "norm".

 

I often have felt ashamed because I'm a 20-year old who never had sex (and never had the desire to) and not even kissed anybody. I often think that at some point I should have had any sort of sexual experience (even though I know that is not true).

 

Since I only recently figured out I'm asexual, I'm very interested in hearing the thoughts of people, who have known it longer.

Also feel free to just share your experience with such pressure or just ranting about it  

[Lord Jade Cross]

I won't lie, it's difficult at times because you kind of have to watch what you say or do, especially around people who get on this demented wagon of having to know whether you've had sex or not and based on that will resort to anything from praise to ridicule and everything in between.

 

Sometimes lies make the best stories, sometimes not. In my case, I basically had to death glare a few people over time to get the point across that that wasn't their business. At others I had to lie (like in school) and make it very convincing 

[LoveNotSex?]

1 hour ago, lara.1604 said:

how you cope with the pressure of people that expect you to are sexual, since it is the "norm".

I don't feel this kind of pressure. I am who I am, nobody has the right to pressure me into being like the "norm".
Well, people don't expect that anyway I suppose, because I'm "not normal" in many different aspects of life and my close friends / loved ones aren't either.
(I have a hard time with being on the ace spectrum for other reasons / in other areas though)

[Janus the Fox]

I don't notice any social pressure for sex or any societal pressures I don't think.

[Mondfuchs]

Actually, I do exactly know what you mean. I'm just 18 years old but all my friends have been in a relationship and most of them have some sexual experience. I feel weird every time they talk about it.
I never even kissed anybody. Not that I not wanted. But the only time i was in love it was with a probably aromantic friend. We are still very close but on a platonic bases.
So yes, I do also have friends who understand me in a way and surely dont want to pressure me and that helps. But actually its kinda hard wanting to be in a relationship since im not aromantic and not being sure if the sex-thing, which most people consider to belong to a relationship, will always be in the way.
How I cope with it? I dont really do much. Mostly reading posts in the internet by people who are in a similar situation so that i dont feel too alone. And trying to tell me everything will be allright and its okay not to know what I want and what will be. And its even okay to not be okay sometimes.
 

[Maelstrom_17]

1 hour ago, Comrade Jade Cross said:

I won't lie, it's difficult at times because you kind of have to watch what you say or do, especially around people who get on this demented wagon of having to know whether you've had sex or not and based on that will resort to anything from praise to ridicule and everything in between.

 

Sometimes lies make the best stories, sometimes not. In my case, I basically had to death glare a few people over time to get the point across that that wasn't their business. At others I had to lie (like in school) and make it very convincing 

I never understood why it was someone's business whether you have or haven't had sex before. Do they wanna have sex with you or something? Is that way people want to know? Or is there some other reason that I haven't figured out yet?

[Purple Red Panda]

I think it was easier for me in the sense I wasn't aware that I was ace when I was younger and just assumed that my reticence about sex was just natural nerves which I think a lot more people suffer from than are willing to admit. I'm in early middle age now and all my friends are really cool and respect my sexuality even if the don't necessarily understand it.

I still feel a certain amount of generalised social pressure from society as a whole but I accept the fact that most other people are sexual and sex is part of the world in which we live. It can feel a little bit alienating at times because although I can talk to friends about ace stuff and they are sympathetic it's not something they have to deal with. Fortunately I have all you lovely people on AVEN💜

[Mondfuchs]

 

4 minutes ago, Maelstrom_17 said:

I never understood why it was someone's business whether you have or haven't had sex before. Do they wanna have sex with you or something? Is that way people want to know? Or is there some other reason that I haven't figured out yet?

I dont understand that too and feel Im very lucky to have friends who accept my orientation even though they (and I) dont know exactly what it is and dont understand it really. They do not pressure me. Im just more like pressuring myself (and know thats stupid). But people asking you if you had sex is just weird. I mean even if I would like sex very much I wouldnt just ask others about it nonstop like what the hell why do you wanna know o.O

[Astrea]

I've never felt ashamed of it and I've never lied about it either. I generally just don't  say anything about it and let people assume whatever they want. If they ask directly, I will answer. I don't really care what people think about me in general and about my lack of sex life in particular. As a teenager, I just used to make a quip or reply in a slightly sarcastic manner which was always enough for people to drop it. I remember one conversation with a girl from my class in high school where she asked me if I wanted a boyfriend in front of some guys from our class. When I said 'not particularly', she told me 'but don't you want someone to love you?'. I looked at her like she was a complete idiot (which I kind of thought she was and I've never hidden that kind of thing either) and said 'I've got my mother for that'. The guys just burst out laughing, said my answer was priceless and we never talked about it again. Deflecting is not hard, really. It's harder if you've got internalized shame about your lack of experience (if you're not confident about your stance or look like you are hiding something, some people will pry and ask questions you are not ready to answer... I personally think lying makes everything worse as it will make you way more anxious - you are also allowed to say you don't feel comfortable talking about it!), but that's mainly a problem between you and yourself. Do you think people deserve a badge of honor for having sex? I don't have any scorn for sexuality or people partaking in it but it's not like doing it is a great endeavor or means anything about the people doing it... if you wanted to have sex, it wouldn't be hard to achieve : I mean, dung beetles do it, it's not like it's nuclear physics ^^

[Cowgirl_Kat]

3 hours ago, lara.1604 said:

I often have felt ashamed because I'm a 20-year old who never had sex (and never had the desire to) and not even kissed anybody. I often think that at some point I should have had any sort of sexual experience (even though I know that is not true).

 

Since I only recently figured out I'm asexual, I'm very interested in hearing the thoughts of people, who have known it longer.

Also feel free to just share your experience with such pressure or just ranting about it  

Hi @lara.1604! I have very similar experiences. I'm also 20 and have never had any experience with sex or even kissing. I also only realized over the past few months that I'm ace 

 

The lack of sexual experience doesn't really bother me. My friends don't really care that I'm a virgin, although some how my almost non-existent love life is interesting 😆. They just think I'm adorable whenever I even think a guy is cute 🙄😂. I was also raised Catholic, so I never felt ashamed for being a virgin.

 

My lack of relationship experience in general bothers me more, since I've never been on a real date. Although I've been asked out a couple of times, I didn't say yes, because a) I thought they were joking and b) I wasn't interested in them like that. It's a little disheartening to see some of my younger cousins (16-17) having experience with dating and such, even though I'm happy for them. I wished I had a little more experience since I am heteroromatic and would eventually like to be in a relationship.

 

I just try not to think too much about it, because there are more important things for me to focus on like college.

[Steel13]

I know exactly how you feel- people have given me a hard time for my lack of interest in sex and I used to feel ashamed of how uncomfortable and unhappy I was in potentially sexual situations. 

I find that I feel much better when I think about the other fulfilling relationships in my life and about the other kinds of adventures I've had. When I think about all the places  I've seen and the people that I love, it reminds me that regardless of whether people think I'm weird/unnatural or think I'm missing out, I can remember that I have done a lot in my life that they are missing out on, too. It makes me feel better to know that we all have our own kinds of adventures and life milestones; while I am not having sexual experiences that they are having, I am going to places and learning and experiencing things that they will not. As cheesy as it sounds, living life to the fullest makes it much harder for me to feel ashamed of what I haven't done.

[Naiwen]

3 hours ago, Janus DarkFox said:

I don't notice any social pressure for sex or any societal pressures I don't think.

I haven’t noticed myself personally it either at least, not from my friends or family. Worst case scenario, just say no firmly and gently. 

[Blue eyes white dragon]

It depends on the circumstance and group of people I'm around to feel that pressure. When I do, i either leave or stand my ground. It honestly doesnt bother me too much for the most part.

[Vysicle]

I wasn't aware I was ace until very recently. but I still had to deal the "pressure" of explaining why was I Still single, or why haven't I had sex. I just mentioned that I wasn't interested in it right now, and had other priorities in life.

That was the part were I would get replies such as "You'll love it once you have it, trust me" or "Humans aren't just mean to be alone. You must be depressed all the time

(EXCUSE ME? MY DEPRESSION HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH BEING SINGLE THANK YOU VERY MUCH)

These questions didn't bother me that much, but it became too much of a hassle to explain other people, so I just tried to avoid conversations where people started sharing sexual experiences. It would have definitely been helpful to know I was aspec back then, but I'm sure their reactions would have been pretty much the same.

 

 

 

 

[PenultimateSandwich]

I recently "came out" to several coworkers and I was relieved because they all were very accepting and it was nice to know that they would understand the reason why I was no longer dating and comfortable with myself. Then a coworker as a joke said "Don't worry, being single isn't that bad. You can just live with a cat and vibrator." It was extremely embarrassing and I fortunately was able to respond quickly with "Well, I hear those things can be expensive so I'm glad I'm ace in that I don't like that kind of stuff anyways." To my coworker, there was this automatic expectation that I MUST HAVE SEX IN SOME WAY. There's no way I can live my life without it apparently!

 

Fortunately, our community has not suffered in the way the gay, lesbian, and trans communities have, but there is still so much misinformation and judgement out there. I'm excited that future aces someday may never have to deal with these sorts of misconceptions.