I have a green & yellow heart. And it's broken.

[Diana DeLuna]

(Content Warning: Self-loathing, Suicidal Ideation, Ed Sheeran)

 

This morning, on my way to work, I temporarily forgot my rule of avoiding the radio due to all the upsetting romantic songs, and I accidentally heard Ed Sheeran’s “Afterglow” for the first time. It was so beautiful. It made me so. Fucking. Angry. I want to punch Ed Sheeran’s starry-eyed, perfectly allo face. I want to bust the radio. I want to bust my own skull wide open.

 

Now I’m at work, shaking and crying, and can’t concentrate. Romance is everywhere. No Radio for me anymore. No TV. No Movies. Not even any books. I haven't finished a fiction book in a full year. Been living this way for months because I can’t look to the right or the left without romance and “coupling” being IMPOSED on me. Every couple—whether actively in love or not, fictional or not—feels like a full-frontal attack. And today, the attack came from Ed Sheeran.

 

I’ve identified as asexual from the moment I read about it in the late ‘90s. But always assumed (because I was told by literally everyone) that I would fall in love, and “it would happen naturally.” (What is “it” that’s supposed to happen naturally anyway? WTF is “IT”???)  Coming into the Ace community late in life, and learning that people can be asexual and still fall in love with others, was like a body blow I can’t recover from.

 

Coming up on my 51^st birthday next week. There’s always a measure of depression & self-hatred related to New Years and my birthday. But me being Aromantic… Me! The erstwhile-self-described "Only True Romantic with a capital R" now must concede I never was romantic with a small r.

 

It’s so huge. And so permanent. And I am OLD, and living out every young Ace’s nightmare because I need back surgery but can’t have it because I’m alone and my insurance won't pay for a post-surgical rehab facility. The pain is constant and wearing me down.

 

Please, mods, do not move this into the A/Romantic forum. I put this in "Older Asexuals" because I need to hear from my fellow geezers. I can’t handle any smug 20-something AroAces busting into my post and dismissing my pain right now with their “So what? This is the way you are and you should be proud like me.” Unless their Aro pain is so powerful it feels physical and truly existential, I don’t need it right now. The prospect of dying alone, always menacing me from the shadows, has leapt out into the harsh light and is in full attack. I can’t stop crying.

 

I found out I was Aromantic 8 or 9 months ago. How long is it going to take to work through this? When will I be able to face normal couples doing normal things again without wanting to commit murder/suicide?

 

[FJO8]

I may not be the age group you are adressing, but it took me three years to overcome this exact phase you are describing. I felt that, and especially radio-sh*itheads like EdSheeran impose an unhealthy and simply unrealistic view on life in general. Art overall seems to be soaked in sexuality and romance and it is so annoying. I cannot remember the last book I could read all the way through and didn't have to skip chapters of smut.

I am really sorry for what you are going through. And I can't give you any advice, because you have far more life experience than me and I do not know how I made it through those last three years myself. I guess it is just true, that time heals most wounds. Please stay with us and know that you are not alone.

[slywlf]

You have my sympathy and understanding.

 

I was already in my 50s when I heard the term asexual for the first time, and began to wonder if that might be where I belonged.

I was 66 (this year) when the term aegosexual and its definition finally gave me a place to call home.....but I still knew there was more....

Finally a couple days ago I stumbled across a reference to aegoromantic and I had the final piece of the puzzle.

 

For 60 years I thought I was broken, but didn't dare talk to anyone about my concerns, thanks to PTSD from my upbringing. At this point I don't know if my extreme introversion is a result of the above or simply go hand in hand with them, but I neither want nor need anyone close in my life. My radio is tuned to NPR when I drive (can't deal with the roller coaster of happy love song/sad love song)  

 

It finally has settled in that I am what I am - I just wish I had learned of these other options much earlier. Perhaps my introvert nature has acted as a buffer against the shock of this new knowledge, since I have always been content to be alone and left alone, despite a 30 marriage that should never have happened. 

 

My only suggestion is to be kind to yourself. There is nothing wrong with being aro/ace or any other of the cornucopia of options. Being touch starved sucks, and again, I sympathize, but as for dealing with other folks romances  and sexual attractions I think just reminding yourself that while that is not what you want, it is their lives to live, just as yours is yours. No need for comparisons of quality of life - I watched too many friends & coworkers go from "single&desperate" to in a relationship, to married to divorced over and over, and while I didn't yet know why I wasn't interested in being part of that 'marry-go-round', I did it anyway and have regretted it bitterly. So I watch them now with detachment - glad to finally know why I wasn't meant for the race. 

 

So I read, watch movies or streaming TV series - both carefully curated to my emotional needs of the moment. As aego I can enjoy and appreciate other folks having love and sex without missing anything, but as a mildly bipolar I also have to make sure I don't hit triggers when I am down.

 

As a fairly newly minted ace myself I am not really in a position to offer advice, so I am just sharing my own experience in hope you might see something that might help you find your own footing.

 

I wish you the best and would be happy to answer any questions you might have, but it might take a while for me to answer, as I am still in the workforce and don't check in here every day.  

 

[Myssterry]

Hope you can get your back surgery - it seems dreadful that you can't have the rehab facility you need.  Living in constant pain and being "punished" for not having funds for that is enough to get anyone down.  Is there any way you can find a solution?  I'm in the UK and don't know what is/isn't available in the US.

 

I don't think identifying as Aro/Ace means that you can't pursue a relationship if you really want one.  It might be challenging, but all relationships are challenging.  It seems to me that you are shutting too many doors in your own face.  Too old, too aro...  I just read about a sexual woman your sort of age and she no longer wants a relationship as she is comfortable on her own and likes her own space.  

 

As for sappy love songs, I wouldn't take them seriously at all.  They don't reflect real life any more than sappy Hollywood films.  

 

As others here have, I wish you the best.

[Diana DeLuna]

Sorry I wasn't replying. It doesn't mean I'm not reading everyone's comments with tears in my eyes. Thanks for the comfort.

 

I spend nearly all my time now watching the world fall apart, and what finally triggers the meltdown is an Ed Sheeran song. 🙄 

 

@FJO8 that makes me feel a little better, to know that you and perhaps others took multiple years to absorb this and accept themselves. I've spent pretty much my whole adult life drifting through the world unseen, always just accepting that's the way it is. I just stepped back and let other people have their milestones, knowing that if their life plans failed, I'd still be there waiting, not changing at all, to be their fallback. (Eventually, fewer & fewer people come back.)

 

Trying to adjust to the idea that it didn't have to be this way, so late in life when I never learned the ropes of intimate relationships when I was young... it's all a bit much.