Jump to content

Aro Disappointment?


21LAUR21

Recommended Posts

It was very easy for me to admit and come to terms with being asexual, but I'm having a difficult time accepting and comming to terms with being aromatic. 

 

I've never been in a romantic relationship, nor have I ever seriously wanted to be, but it was always a fun kind of fantasy for me. Over the past year I have realized I am likely aromatic and I feel a sense of loss regarding this revelation. It's weird to me because I know I didn't lose anything, but I almost feel disappointed. It it also a bit jarring because realizing I was asexual felt like such a relief. 

 

It's kinda funny because my romantic revelation followed the same trajectory as my sexuality revelation: assuming I'm straight, realizing I'm not into men so I must be into women, realizing I like both equally so I am therefore bi, and then realizing that I'm correct... But that equal amount is not liking either (or any).  So therefore I feel like I should have seen this coming 😂.

 

Anyways, I'm just wondering if anyone has had a similar experience. 

Link to post
Share on other sites

For me, pretty much all of my fantasies involved relationships that I thought were romantic, and I thought of myself as Aro, so I thought I couldn't fantasize like that. Then, a little while ago, I read about types of relationships and attractions, and realized that these were alterous relationships, or QPRs. That gave me a lot of relief.

 

I also went through pretty much exactly the same process (except I thought I was pan, rather than bi)

Link to post
Share on other sites

I am in a similar situation as you. Once I figured out I am asexual, I was basically like, "Okay cool, this works." Then I started learning about aromanticism. Once I realized I am aromantic, I was also a bit disappointed. I compared this "disappointment" to grieving the life I assumed I was going to have because stereotypes and mainstream culture. Realizing I am aromantic was a bit of an unexpected surprise, so I am still "grieving" the loss of the life I thought I was going to have (even though I'm not sure if I actually wanted that life too much 😂).

Link to post
Share on other sites
52 minutes ago, trifasciata said:

For me, pretty much all of my fantasies involved relationships that I thought were romantic,

Yeah, I think I always assumed the relationships I fantasized about were romantic, and starting to learn about other types of relationships might help me to feel less like I've lost opportunities and more like I have gained new ones.

Link to post
Share on other sites
27 minutes ago, teetojen said:

still "grieving" the loss of the life I thought I was going to have (even though I'm not sure if I actually wanted that life too much 😂).

Lol I contemplated using the word "grieving" when writing this but it felt a little too dramatic for me 😂

 

But it totally makes sense and I feel the same way... even though I never really wanted to do the whole settle down, get married, have kids thing, I always assumed I was gonna end up there eventually. Now it feels like I've finally admitted I won't get there and it's a little scary. Almost like accepting you'll "never be normal".

Link to post
Share on other sites

Oh man, I relate to all of this. I'm still trying to figure out if I'm aro, but the thought process you all describe is kind of what I'm working through right now. The aro label would explain a lot of things, but I'm kind of reluctant to embrace it because I always thought I wanted to be in love. 🤷‍♀️

Link to post
Share on other sites

ayyyy amatonormativity strikes the fuck again in making people feel like shit : D

 

in all seriousness, that's definitely a really easy thing to feel when romance has become this all-encompassing thing in our culture. i'm pretty sure christmas is the only thing that can compare to the marketability of "love/" [which doesn't mean every portrayal is necessarily romantic, but the word itself is often assumed to mean romantic unless context/specified otherwise.] i think we all know on an intellectual level that the way our culture portrays/thinks about romance is not... exactly how it works in real life, but what is being sold can sound really nice. some bits, anyway. (it's why i still enjoy reading about romantic relationship despite being very much aromantic.)

 

i didn't go through the exact same process as you. i identified as panromantic for a long while because i couldn't discern any strong preferences, so panromantic was just the easiest way to put it. (same thing happened with my asexuality, though that typically ended in me deciding that asexuality was the closest to conclude without giving myself a massive headache. can't say i feel much for it one way or the other.) tbh i probably would have continued to identify as panromantic for a lot longer. even after learning about it, i didn't think i could be aromantic because i felt like i was someone who was too enamored with the concept of romance. i had a very specific event wherein someone i thought i had a crush on confessed their feelings. and they would have all these descriptions of these feelings that they had, while it slowly started to dawn on me that my feelings weren't... the same.

 

like teetojen put it, i did grieve for a little for the loss of a "typical" life. i wasn't really grieving for anything that i truly lost, but more the idea of what i lost. basically, a kid only disappointed that someone took a toy away that they were literally never going to play with in the first place, but it's the idea of loss :'c. but! what i realized was that what feelings i did have for my friend, i felt happy about! the funny thing is, a lot of the things i can say about them sound really romantic. or what i would assume is the ideal/the reason people care so much about romance. romance, as far as i can tell, is far more the sum of its parts. there's a certain... sorrow in never being able to experience something so seemingly integral, but i don't think that is quite right.

 

there are feelings that an aromantic person won't be able to feel, yes, but... what exactly are we losing out on anyway? i still feel joy and elation when thinking about my friends. i care for the people in my life because of the warmth they give me in return. my affections aren't romantic, but i feel inextricably close to that person i thought i had a crush on. i can still enjoy and appreciate that companionship. as hypothetical as "romance" may be to me, the moment and the present of what i do feel, is very much enough.

Link to post
Share on other sites
3 minutes ago, RosieG said:

Oh man, I relate to all of this. I'm still trying to figure out if I'm aro, but the thought process you all describe is kind of what I'm working through right now. The aro label would explain a lot of things, but I'm kind of reluctant to embrace it because I always thought I wanted to be in love. 🤷‍♀️

Yeah I think that's the hardest part for me, I still crave intimacy, but apparently just not in a romantic context. I always assumed I did, but just wasn't into the super mushy stuff... But upon closer inspection I'm just really uncomfortable with the idea of romantic affection. 

 

I guess in the back of my head I was still clinging onto the hope that once I met the right person I would be able to feel romantic attraction and fall in love with someone. 

 

It's really nice to know other people are going through similar things, it has made me feel a lot better about the future. 

Link to post
Share on other sites
10 minutes ago, comrade cyan said:

i wasn't really grieving for anything that i truly lost, but more the idea of what i lost.

That is the perfect way to sum it up

Link to post
Share on other sites

A little while ago, I came to the conclusion that I am most likely aromantic as well and let me tell you, I also relate to what you (and others here) have said.

 

I've always been fantasizing a lot about "soft/wholesome romance" and really wished to have that as a part of my life. I can't exactly say why, I just really love the idea of it. When I started realizing that I would not be able to have that in my life because of a lack of romantic attraction (I am not going to get into the topic of QPRs right now because they're still a HUGE mystery to me), I got incredibly sad. I didn't lose anything other than the idea of romance (like comrade cyan has mentioned) but it still hit me relatively hard.

 

I'm trying to learn that I won't be missing out on anything too important with this and I think I'm already doing better with accepting that I am most likely aromantic. Whenever I come across this term though, it still carries a bitter taste with it.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I felt the same, at first I thought Im just ace but as I got to know more, I realized I'm aro or gray or quoiro cause my thoughts on romance is different from others. (While I was on the process, I though I'm abroromantic, cause I was like ceteroromantic to heteroromantic to panromantic but realized it might be psycheromantic but more alterous/platonic if psycheplatonic exist lol) 

 

It's a relief but also a bit upsetting. I still want to have a best friend &/or qpp. It'll be hard cause not all are like this and I'm afraid when I enter a relationship (an exclusive one) I might end up hurting them or not satisfying them. Though I admit I dont prefer exclusive relationship. If I have a qpp, per's free as long as no one is hurting. Group hug to everyone🤗🤗🤗

Link to post
Share on other sites
8 hours ago, Faleeria said:

I've always been fantasizing a lot about "soft/wholesome romance"

I relate :'))

Link to post
Share on other sites
Will-o'-the-WHAT?!
On 1/15/2021 at 12:05 PM, teetojen said:

i wasn't really grieving for anything that i truly lost, but more the idea of what i lost.

I think I may be going through this process now.  I started identifying as aro last year, but unlike when I realized I'm ace (which was liberating) it made me feel so isolated and scared I can never make a meaningful connection with someone since everyone seems to prioritize romantic relationships and don't have the time or interest in the deep types of friendship that I want.

Then again I've been pretty lonely these past 2 years since moving to another country, and being aroace in a heteronormative "don't ask dont tell" type of environment just adds to that sense of alienation.  

(Wow that was a bit of a tangent!  All I wanted was to say I relate, then all that other stuff came out!)

Link to post
Share on other sites
3 hours ago, Will-o'-the-WHAT?! said:

unlike when I realized I'm ace (which was liberating) it made me feel so isolated and scared I can never make a meaningful connection with someone since everyone seems to prioritize romantic relationships

You put it so well here! It's comforting to know other people have gone through similar experiences and helps me to validate that I am Infact Aro

Link to post
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...