Jump to content

What's your guy's opinion on age differences in relationships? And how do I show her I'm interested?


Recommended Posts

I'm 27 and I'm started to have feelings for this girl that sings at my church, who is 20. I've known her for about three years and very recently I feel like I've started to develop a strong connection with. No idea if she's ace, but we're both Christian so I feel like if I came out to her she would understand.

 

The thing is, though, there's a 7-year age gap between us. I posted about this on r/dating and some people think its creepy that I've known her since she was 17. My stance as always been that she's an adult now and that age difference (within reason) is not as much of an issue. So, I'd like to know what y'all think I should do.

 

Also, I know there's already another thread open about this, but I'd like to start dropping subtle hints that I'm interested in her, but I'm afraid that whatever I do will automatically be creepy. I'm not in a rush and our worship band rotates singers frequently so I usually see her every week or every other week for practice. I'm there because I'm the church's A/V tech and run sound for them. I do have her number but I'd like to not have to do all of this via text and in my experience I can be overbearing on the recipient if I'm not careful. So, any advice here would also be greatly appreciated.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Grey-Ace Ventura

Ask for her opinion on age differences in romantic relationships

  • Like 4
Link to post
Share on other sites

Age is just a number, I have friends in relationships with age differences, one of my closest friends is 54, his girlfriend of 32 years is 16 years his senior, on the other side, I have a couple of friends, she's 47, he's 59, it's not so much age it's the relationship that counts, as for you attempting to start a relationship, just chat with her, see how you get along, if you start to get along well whilst in church, why not try asking her out for a coffee, perhaps, outside of the church environment, you can see how you get on, again just chat, take things slowly and steadily.

 

Good luck

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

I think some people are comfortable with age gap relationships, others are not.   She is an adult so no problem raising the issue, but accept if she isn't interested. 

 

That said, if your gut tells you that she doesn't see you as a potential romantic partner, you are probably right. 

Link to post
Share on other sites
nutterwithasolderingiron

i dont think 7 years is really that big an age gap. but here comes a but. 

 

i do think your potential crush only being 20 might lead to a few problems. they're still quite young and have some emotional growing to do. so you might wanna keep an eye out for that. there is still a bit of a power dynamic there

  • Like 6
Link to post
Share on other sites
Kieran :)

I feel age gaps when you're young is more bothersome really. I think 20 and 27 can be a little iffy since you're in different stages of your life (her just starting to go to college and you being most likely well established with college or in adulthood).
 

I don't see a problem with it tho since you're both adults. It's up to your digression and both of your personal feelings about it.

  • Like 7
Link to post
Share on other sites
Purple Red Panda

Last year I told someone who was 23 that I had feelings for her, I was 39 at the time. I was aware at the time how that might look to some people but chose to tell her anyway. I knew that I was serious about wanting a relationship with her and it wasn't just some passing crush or an attempt to get laid (she already knew I was ace) so I took the risk. I was just honest with her about how I felt and told  her face to face, no trying to buy her affection, no innappropriate comments and no trying to persuade her about how she should feel about me., She wasn't interested and I accepted that so we've remained friends, I think real creepiness would have been not taking no for answer.

  • Like 5
Link to post
Share on other sites
fairyofsuburbia

I don't think it's that big of an age gap if you're both in your 20s, but you might still be at different maturity stages in life, so that's something you should be aware of.

 

The important thing is how you both feel about it, though.

  • Like 4
Link to post
Share on other sites
4 minutes ago, Kieran :) said:

I feel age gaps when you're young is more bothersome really. I think 20 and 27 can be a little iffy since you're in different stages of your life (her just starting to go to college and you being most likely well established with college or in adulthood).
 

I don't see a problem with it tho since you're both adults. It's up to your digression and both of your personal feelings about it.

Thanks for your input. I'd like to clarify that she is working full-time as a teacher's aide in an elementary school.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
Kieran :)
1 minute ago, RobL2415 said:

Thanks for your input. I'd like to clarify that she is working full-time as a teacher's aide in an elementary school.

Okay. That is a little more on the same plane of life then? So assuming she's comfortable and likes you back I wouldn't consider that creepy or wrong.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
Just now, Kieran :) said:

Okay. That is a little more on the same plane of life then? So assuming she's comfortable and likes you back I wouldn't consider that creepy or wrong.

Yes I would say so. She's completely independent. My only concern is that I blow it by trying to move quickly and overdo everything.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

You're both legal adults, so, IMHO, seven years doesn't seem like a creepy age difference.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
59 minutes ago, Grey-Ace Ventura said:

Ask for her opinion on age differences in romantic relationships

I feel like that's a dead giveaway, though.

Link to post
Share on other sites
SocialMorays

My parents first met when my mother was 23 and my dad was 47. On paper, a lot of people think that's weird, but once they meet them, they get it.

 

My mother has always been an "old soul" with an unusual level of maturity for her age, and always gravitated to people older than her. My dad, on the other hand, is kind of like a kid who never grew up. He's one of the most genuine and least manipulative people on the planet, and my mother was able to pick up on that right away. It was a big part of what first attracted her to him, in fact -- being a singer and a model, she'd gotten a lot of creepy and manipulative attention from guys before him, whereas he respected her boundaries and truly just liked her for who she was.

 

None of their friends gave them longer than six months. 25 years later, they're still going strong.

 

So my personal opinion is that, once both parties are grown adults, it's up to their feelings on the matter, their respective levels of maturity, and the power dynamics of the situation. Those are the things that will make it fine or iffy, not just an arbitrary number.

  • Like 8
Link to post
Share on other sites

In my opinion if you know each others ages I wouldn't bring up the subject.

I dated someone 7 years younger (she was 24) and it was hell.

Not helped by me not understanding that I was asexual.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Yeah I don't see a problem if you don't perceive an emotional maturity incompatibility. You're consenting adults. If she was a few years younger and still in her teens... nope, not a good idea... but you're both in your 20s and I've heard of larger gaps between people in that general age range. I'm a bit older than you (36 in a couple months) and my partner is 52. I don't think about the age difference; it's just about how we connect, and he's a better match for me than either of my exes (my husband was a year younger, my girlfriend seven years older). The guy I kinda-sorta dated in my late teens (it wasn't anything official) was about a week younger than me, haha. What I have now is the healthiest romantic relationship I've had and the best connection of any nature that I've ever had with another person.

 

Anyway. Take it slowly. Ask her to hang out like you would a friend you wanted to spend time with and see where it goes. If a potential connection is there, it'll happen.

 

Side note, though... just because she's Christian doesn't mean she won't want sex at some point. Like, say you two fell deeply in love and got married and she was waiting for marriage to have sex... well... she would be expecting sex. If you start dating, definitely be open with her about your asexuality.

  • Like 8
Link to post
Share on other sites

Agreed with @CBC .. the age gap doesn't sound problematic, but it would be best to mention your asexuality not too long after you start dating.

  • Like 6
Link to post
Share on other sites
idratherhavecake38

About the age gap: I read something somewhere where it said to take the age of the older person, divide it by 2, then add 7. That number should be the the lower age limit of the older person's dating age range. According to this formula, the youngest person you should be dating is 20.5 years old. So the age gap should be fine, as long both of you are around the same maturity.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites
SocialMorays
10 minutes ago, idratherhavecake38 said:

About the age gap: I read something somewhere where it said to take the age of the older person, divide it by 2, then add 7. That number should be the the lower age limit of the older person's dating age range. According to this formula, the youngest person you should be dating is 20.5 years old. So the age gap should be fine, as long both of you are around the same maturity.

Not to derail Rob's thread too much, but if my parents had followed this formula, I wouldn't exist. ¯\_ (ツ)_/¯

 

I don't think it's something that can be boiled down purely to an equation. A lot of it has to do with the maturity of the individuals and the situational context. As others have said, both of those seem to check out here, so I don't see an inherent problem.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites
idratherhavecake38
Just now, SocialMorays said:

Not to derail Rob's thread too much, but if my parents had followed this formula, I wouldn't exist. ¯\_ (ツ)_/¯

 

I don't think it's something that can be boiled down purely to an equation. A lot of it has to do with the maturity of the individuals and the situational context. As others have said, both of those seem to check out here, so I don't see an inherent problem.

You're completely right, a lot of it does have to do with maturity and context. I just think the equation is kinda cool, to be honest

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites
Sarah-Sylvia

7 years is really no big deal especially that she's definitely old enough. I will say the difference in maturity can be obvious sometimes, but I met someone who was much older and much more immature than some younger that I met. It's really about getting to know the person.

How she feels about it matters the most too though :P

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
weird elf

Having been the older half of a pair that exact age (those exact ages?) - for us, it was a problem. We were at hugely different stages of our respective life, which added instability to an already fragile thing. (fragile because we were as close to a QPR as I ever got, but we didn't know QPRs were even a thing ... so neither of us wanted to call it a "relationship" because everyone would assume that to include sex, yet neither wanted to lose the other.)

But - if you're on stable common ground, the age gap itself shouldn't be as big a factor. In my experience it can exacerbate problems that are already there; it doesn't have to be a problem in and of itself.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
PrimeJelly

My friends parents met when her dad was 30 and her mom was 20, that's a 10 year age gap but they were both mature about it and had compatibility with each other and they made it work out. One of my sister is in a 15 year age gap and another one of my sisters (I got 2 sisters) married her husband at 19 while he was 26. Some complained saying she was too young (I admit I was like that in the start) but then I stopped bitching and moaning after I realized my sister is very mature for her age. She could handle the responsibility marriage came with and she is now a proud caring mom and wife and her husband treats her right. As long as you two are both adults in a consenting loving partnership, age doesn't matter. I am personally fine with a 20 year age gap or more. In the end what two people do in their life is up to them. It isn't my place to judge, I don't care about it. Let people love who they want.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

My personal range of what I'd consider acceptable for myself is about five years in either direction, but it obviously gets weird the younger you are. It mostly depends on where each person is in their life and how mature they are, etc. I met my bf when I was 19 and he was 24, so it can work, but not always. 

 

With other people, as long as both partners are consenting adults, then I say let live. Only if there's clearly an uncomfortable power imbalance would I have an issue with the relationship. 

 

I'd say ask her opinion on age differences in relationships. It's a relatively neutral topic that you'll be able to see if she'd consider you or not. 

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

Further thoughts on the Christian aspect... that really depends on her personal beliefs and whatever denomination you two are anyway. Progressive churches often have no problem with premarital sex and have a positive attitude towards sexuality, so her faith doesn't necessarily mean she's fine with a sexless relationship. But like I say, even if you guys are more conservative... you still gotta be open about the asexuality thing. It'll come up eventually in any relationship that's lasting.

 

To be clear, I'm not saying you indicated you wouldn't be open. In fact, you mentioned possibly coming out to her. It's just that you need to make sure someone doesn't conflate asexuality with 'I'm abstinent for now'.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites
AceAnimeFan

Generally I consider 10 +or- 1 to be an acceptable age range (any more than that and I start to get uncomfortable) but here you're talking about people in totally different stages of life so that would probably make a relationship a lot more difficult regardless of the actual age difference

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
Sarah-Sylvia
2 minutes ago, AceAnimeFan said:

Generally I consider 10 +or- 1 to be an acceptable age range (any more than that and I start to get uncomfortable) but here you're talking about people in totally different stages of life so that would probably make a relationship a lot more difficult regardless of the actual age difference

That reminds me I did wonder what would be the limit to what I feel is good age range, but I think that'll change for each person. For me it's -+15. Any older or younger and I start to feel like it's a bit much.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Almost all of my more serious relationships have been with someone older than me.  A couple were 17 years older and one was 20.  I am 53 now, so that much of a gap might be too much, just simply for the fact I could lose them.  That being said, I most likely will still date someone older than me, because most of my interests are more appealing to older people.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

Yeah. It just comes down to the personalities of the people involved and the overall connection. I mean, I can't say that at nearly 36 I'd be likely to fall for an 82-year-old lol, but when I was younger, I thought a decade sounded like a lot between two people... and that's certainly changed, haha. Our ages aren't relevant to anything important, and there's no way I'd pass up the wonderful relationship I get to have because there's a 16-17 year age difference. Who cares.

 

My first ex (still someone I'm close to) can't seem to fathom anything more than about a five-year age gap. Not sure why, but obviously people are different. 

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
1 hour ago, CBC said:

Further thoughts on the Christian aspect... that really depends on her personal beliefs and whatever denomination you two are anyway. Progressive churches often have no problem with premarital sex and have a positive attitude towards sexuality, so her faith doesn't necessarily mean she's fine with a sexless relationship. But like I say, even if you guys are more conservative... you still gotta be open about the asexuality thing. It'll come up eventually in any relationship that's lasting.

 

To be clear, I'm not saying you indicated you wouldn't be open. In fact, you mentioned possibly coming out to her. It's just that you need to make sure someone doesn't conflate asexuality with 'I'm abstinent for now'.

I consider myself to be a progressive Christian, and my other friends at church are too.

If I were to date, I would bring up being ace if the relationship looks like it might become serious. I just came out to two of my closest friends and they were supportive of it.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

×
×
  • Create New...