I feel repulsive, rejected and like I'm not good enough

[Alraune]

TLDNR : my SO seems to be asexual and it's making me feel so insecure, what should I do ?

 

Hi there, 

 

I'll start that post by saying English is not my mother tongue. I'll try my best but please, don't feel attacked if my words or sentences sound (well read) weird or with a basic vocabulary.

 

After weeks of trying to process this I finally decided to talk about it and then ask others like me and ace people about the situation. 

The context : I'm a woman with a lot of insecurities regarding my body considering how I look.

I grew up thinking I would always be alone because "guys want pretty girls and your not pretty so". 

It was only as an adult that I realized that looks is not everything à men looks for but still, that thought is still here.... 

When I started my sexual life, it opened a lot of things for me. Finally I felt good in this body (yes I played with myself before but it's so different, this may sounds lame but sex with feelings is different...ezr me talk like on of those Brigerton girls.... ), I felt sexy, desired and, according to the men I dated I'm pretty good at what I do. 

I'm more of a giver than a receiver so I think that's why they liked it so much with me ^^'

Basically, even if I don' t climax this time I actually don't care, I'm having to much fun pleasing my partner 

 

A year ago I met this guy. 

We are compatible on every aspect except sex. 

He told me he has a low libido, which kind of made me feel mixed considering how much of a succubus I am but still, I did not want to jeopardize a possibly very good and long lasting relationship over a "low libido". 

 

À year after, here I am. 

My SO made it very clear that he does "not feel the need for sex" that's it thinks it's "always the same thing in the end" and that he rather masturbate to "release the physical urge of coming for a men, like a boiler or emptying your car oil (yeah he is a poet) because that ways it won't take me 3h do to so". 

 

We do, sometimes have "entercourses" (can't even say he makes love to me considering it's a chore for him) or, as I call them "pity sex to make me not feel too repulsive" but most of the times he focuses on my pleasure and I end up frustrated knowing he would rather have spend that time doing something else....

How am I supposed to enjoy myself knowing he forces himself and won't even come.... Most of the time when I'm "done" he'll just go to the shower and won't let me "play" with him.... 

He loves to just cuddle, kiss and just caress but thinks the act itself is boring and almost a waste of time.... 

 

Thing is, as a woman, I grew up learning that the only way to keep a man is to sexually please him. That a man shows you his love through his desir towards you. 

Basically "if a man does not want to have sex with you it's probably because your repulsive and disgusting, too ugly and to fat to be seen as a potential partner")(I still thank my mother for that....) 

How can I believe him when he says things like "you're so pretty" "you're perfect" "I've never felt so good with someone" when, on the other hand, I must be so repulsive he won't feel and sexual desir towards me ? 

 

When we started dating and had sex I felt so pretty, so desirable... Now I just feel repulsive and sick to my stomach knowing he forced himself back then too to please me.... 

 

I got rejected so many times when I started an approach I don't want to try anymore... I stopped wearing make up, nice dresses, go to the hair salon... Why would I do that considering the man I love don't give a shit about this and love me on an "intellect level" ? 

 

I don't want to leave him, I love him but I also don't want him to feel he HAS TO do something he does not really want. 

After our conversation he started to initiate sex but I ended up facking it because I could not stop thinking about the fact that he did this not do this out of desir but because he wanted to make me "happy"

Open relation/lover ? Not for me because

1) I love him

2) I desir him, haven't felt desir for another man since we're together 

3) If even my man won't touch, why would another want to have anything to do with someone as repulsive as me? 

My depression is coming back with that.

I cry at night, in the shower after the "pity sex" it even happens when I do something else, I just see him and I want to cry.

Sometimes I'll just refuse to cuddle or touch him because, "after all, I'm disgusting, why would he want a kiss from me ?" 

I become jealous/paranoid because "if he does not want to have sex with me it's probably because I'm not pretty enough while other girls are" ....those are the thoughts I live with all the time. 

I talked to him about it, he says it's no me but him, that HE does not need it but not because he does not love me just... He does not need it but how can I believe him ? 

 

I know it sounds stupid and pittyfull the "poor little girl who only thinks about herself" but... I just needed to put words on how I feel. 

[oldgeeza]

I would say that he has feelings for you, I'm speaking as an asexual male, I'm single, why? Because I don't enjoy the act of sexual intercourse, it is or was a chore for me, I have the ability to love someone, I still sometimes wish that I could have a relationship, but Im not in a relationship because I wouldn't want my partner to feel rejected, and have a low sense of self esteem which is the way you are feeling now.

 

It sounds odd, but I can actually understand the way you feel, but you shouldn't blame yourself, it's not the fault of either of you, it's the fact that you're both different, you're individuals, for some, like your partner, sex just isn't right for him, it doesn't feel right, it is a chore, a way to keep the one you love so you do it, they have feelings for you, just not in a sexual way if that makes sense, you on the other hand have been taught that sex is part and parcel of a relationship, for you, you need that in a relationship as it makes you feel whole, like any other couple in a relationship, I was told when growing up, if you're not married with children when you're in your twenties, you're not normal, and to some degree, people feel that they have to conform to this way in which the bulk of society expects and conforms to, but, for people like your partner, they don't have the ability to conform, I know this is nothing to do with your relationship, but at 19, I became impotent, I stopped functioning down below, I was no longer seen as being a man, I was seen as gay because we all have and need sex right? I'm in my fifties so from a different generation, but basically, society, although it sort of accepts different sexualities, in general the consensus is that man and woman meet, man and woman have sex, man and woman live together, get married, have kids and live happily ever after, which as we know, doesn't always turn out that way. We're all individuals, for some it works, for others, their minds work differently, it's as natural for them as your thoughts and feelings are for you.

 

I know that this may sound harsh, but if you have a high sex drive, unless you're both happy for you to seek sex outside of the relationship, not something I would recommend, but for some, it works, then really, it's either time to move on or you have to face the reality that this is how it's going to be, probably becoming less and less as time goes on, if I were in your place, I would sit down with my partner and have the big discussion before it really drives a wedge between you, if you part, it's going to hurt, but the longer you leave it, the more it's going to hurt.

 

I'm sorry I couldn't give you a better offer to your problem, I wish I had that magic wand and could make it right for you both, I can understand both sides having had that discussion many years ago, I guess that your partner is trying to compromise but it's not enough for you and probably too much for them, all I can do is wish you luck and hope you can find an amicable solution

 

Please don't go blaming yourself or thinking that you're repulsive, if you were repulsive, you would never have had a partner, beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and even though I'm asexual, I still see attractiveness in someone, it doesn't always mean that they are stunningly beautiful in appearance, in fact, I often see more in the inner beauty than the external looks, being attractive from the inside is what counts the most as that's where the real person lies, looks, to me they're just a bonus

 

[Alraune]

Thank you for your answers. 

 

I think I get the part of he loves me, just in another way, he might still have sex with me even if it's a chore to keep me etc etc but.... I know it sounds extreme but I feel like a rapist in a way. 

I can't stop thinking about it when he "gets to work". 

It even affect my own sexual life 

 

Trigger warning :

Like a lot of sexual partner I turned to myself to satisfy my urges without involving him considering he is not into it that much but even like that, since the moment he said those things to me, it blocked me... 

[redsenma]

2 hours ago, Alraune said:

Thank you for your answers. 

 

I think I get the part of he loves me, just in another way, he might still have sex with me even if it's a chore to keep me etc etc but.... I know it sounds extreme but I feel like a rapist in a way. 

I can't stop thinking about it when he "gets to work". 

It even affect my own sexual life 

 

Trigger warning :

Like a lot of sexual partner I turned to myself to satisfy my urges without involving him considering he is not into it that much but even like that, since the moment he said those things to me, it blocked me... 

 

 

Like you, that is also how I feel. I also have experience with sexual trauma so it bothers me even more. Since my partner told me they were repulsed and essentially faking it, I haven’t been able to look at myself the same. I feel horrendously ugly, when previously I always felt neutral about my appearance. And I cannot please myself either. I feel sick to my stomach touching or looking at myself. An open relationship doesn’t feel possible as I have eyes only for them. hoping you get through this friend xx

[oldgeeza]

Alraune and redsenma, you can't both go thinking it's your fault or that you're ugly, repulsive etc, you're far from that, honestly, I know that this is hard to accept, but these partners you have, if they didn't love or care for you, they'd be gone, dust, no more, it's just that they can't show you love by way of sexual intercourse, like I mentioned earlier, I am single because I have the same feelings as your respective partners, I am capable of love, I just don't have the ability to take part in sex, I don't know how to explain it, but it's not that there's anything wrong with you, you're not ugly, repulsive, or anything like that, you are decent beings, if you weren't, you wouldn't have a partner full stop, I wish I could offer you a solution, sadly I can't, but please realise, it's not your looks or something you've done wrong, some of us are just wired up differently when it comes to sex and other relationship related issues

[The Abhorred]

8 hours ago, Alraune said:

The context : I'm a woman with a lot of insecurities regarding my body considering how I look.

I grew up thinking I would always be alone because "guys want pretty girls and your not pretty so". 

It was only as an adult that I realized that looks is not everything à men looks for but still, that thought is still here...

It's not your fault for not being able to get rid of that awful idea, the unrealistic demands on women is everywhere, in tv, internet, in the discussions with friends. We all need to have someone to appreciate us exactly for who we are and in our effort to find those people, we focus on how to be likeable and in the process we lose our selfworth, we see that all that hard work we did in ourselves paid nothing in return, so you need to go back and work towards believing in your value without needing an other one to validate that.

 

8 hours ago, Alraune said:

À year after, here I am. 

My SO made it very clear that he does "not feel the need for sex" that's it thinks it's "always the same thing in the end" and that he rather masturbate to "release the physical urge of coming for a men, like a boiler or emptying your car oil (yeah he is a poet) because that ways it won't take me 3h do to so".

I can't give you any advice for your relationship because I don't have any experience but I can say that what your bf said to you was unnecessary and hurtful. Him having a low libido or whatever is the reason for not wanting to have sex doesn't give him an excuse for saying something like that, is like throwing the ball of responsibility to you.

 

2 hours ago, Alraune said:

I think I get the part of he loves me, just in another way, he might still have sex with me even if it's a chore to keep me etc etc but.... I know it sounds extreme but I feel like a rapist in a way. 

I'm really sorry you feel this way, I hope you'll be able to figure out why you take all the blame for the relationship malfunction. You are not a bad person for having certain needs nor a rapist, show yourself some leniency.

 

8 hours ago, Alraune said:

English is not my mother tongue

same, so I hope my reply wasn't hard to read.

 

Welcome to the forum! 🍰

[redsenma]

12 minutes ago, oldgeeza said:

Alraune and redsenma, you can't both go thinking it's your fault or that you're ugly, repulsive etc, you're far from that, honestly, I know that this is hard to accept, but these partners you have, if they didn't love or care for you, they'd be gone, dust, no more, it's just that they can't show you love by way of sexual intercourse, like I mentioned earlier, I am single because I have the same feelings as your respective partners, I am capable of love, I just don't have the ability to take part in sex, I don't know how to explain it, but it's not that there's anything wrong with you, you're not ugly, repulsive, or anything like that, you are decent beings, if you weren't, you wouldn't have a partner full stop, I wish I could offer you a solution, sadly I can't, but please realise, it's not your looks or something you've done wrong, some of us are just wired up differently when it comes to sex and other relationship related issues

As far as my understanding goes to me, whether I’m ugly or not, the distinction hardly matters. It is very kind of you and my SO to say that I am not ugly, but for asexual people that doesn’t matter, right? She isn’t sexually attracted to me, and she doesn’t care about that stuff apparently. So she can’t comprehend how hating oneself feels in that regard. I would never pressure her to do anything. The fault lies with me entirely for not being able to function without sexual attraction. Simply being attracted to her makes me feel disgusting and predatory in a way that she’ll never understand. I feel remote, alien, and isolated. She is the one that suggested breaking up. And this is terrifying and heartbreaking to me. I don’t simply love her looks. But to me I don’t know how to navigate a relationship and ignore attraction. I hope that makes sense. I am quite emotional and am trying to rationally explain my state.

[Alraune]

14 minutes ago, redsenma said:

Simply being attracted to her makes me feel disgusting and predatory in a way that she’ll never understand.

This exactly ! 

Whenever I see my SO, I get turned on. 

He does not get why, considering he does not find himself attractive (no matter how I love him, I have to admit that our food habits hurt us both ^^') 

I can' t explain it, I see him, I want to eat him and that makes me feel sooooo bad because I fear he would fear me in the end...

 

The Abhorred

Well, I feel responsible because I am the one with needs he does not and so, in a way, I am the one "forcing" him to do something he'd rather not because he sees how sad it makes me. 

If I did not have these urges, he would not waste time in sex. 

The way he says "I like to please you, I do this because it makes you happy" is proof that he forces himself.... 

I'm the one who start to repel him because I'm scared he does not really want it when he makes a move... Me.... The succubus of our couple am loosing my own libido over his lack of...

 

[redsenma]

1 minute ago, Alraune said:

This exactly ! 

Whenever I see my SO, I get turned on. 

He does not get why, considering he does not find himself attractive (no matter how I love him, I have to admit that our foud habits hurt us both ^^') 

I can' t explain it, I see him, I want to eat him and that makes me feel sooooo bad because I fear he would fear me in the end...

I am sorry you dealing with this. My partner doesn’t feel the same way as I do. So it’s hard to deal with. I have expressed to her my dilemma. That I do not know how to deal with my sexual urges anymore. If masturbation even feels wrong to me. But breaking up or considering an open relationship is far worse. I do hope we both manage to find a compromise in ur relationships where we are not suffering.

[Alraune]

Hi there, 

 

Me again, something happened last night and I need to talk about it, see if I'm going crazy or if this happened to you.... 

 

He made a move, acting like he's into it and want to have some fun. 

Me thinking "wtf ? Did someone die ?" 

Weak as I am, I start to get physically turned on while my mind is not really getting what's going on... 

We..."get down to business" and then, in the middle of it I'm like "nop, not working" 

I got up and went crying in the bathroom. 

All I could think about while we were at it was "you know he's faking it to please you, you know he does not enjoy this, you are disgusting for feeling pleasure while he just forces himself out of charity you fucking rapist" 

 

He tried to come in the bathroom to talk but I had locked behind me, I just could not be near him knowing how dirty and disgusting I am. 

 

About 10 min after I go back to our bedroom to get some sleep. 

He cuddle, kisses me, tells me he loves me. 

"hey, you love me sentimentaly, intellectualy but you do not desir, I'm too fat and too ugly, you just forces yourself out of pity" 

He said it's not true, that he find me very attractive, desirable yadi yada

Yet, everytime I start something, he repels me or looks like it's a chore.... 

 

I don't know what to believe anymore, what to do, what to feel anymore... 

I'm even thinking about taking my medication against depression again primarily because one of the strongest side effects I had with them was suppressing entirely my libido (we were not together at that time so it did not aftected us) 

[Guest]

Hmm. 

 

Ok I see two issues here.

 

First, your self-image - that I would recommend working on independently away from the relationship issue. You are worth more than just sex. You are beautiful, without having a guy lusting after you at the moment. I would recommend continuing therapy for that, because you need to believe in yourself. Everyone is beautiful to someone, who cares if you're not a super model type- few of us are. 

 

The second - his lack of interest. That one is never going to change. You have to decide if you can live with it or not. It sounds like he was really honest up front that sex isn't important to him. I would trust that he wants to when he says it, because he loves you and seems to be openly communicating. You aren't wrong for wanting sex and he's happy to give. He just isn't that into it himself. 

 

Maybe if he's more into solo and your true desire is to be found desirable, rather than sex itself, something like doing sexy photo shoots together so he could use those images to self- serve and you could feel desired by those images being what is his aid to desire? Or he could masturbate next to you as you seduce him to get him worked up? Sex doesn't have to be traditional! 

 

As for looks - some aces still appreciate aesthetics, porn, lingerie etc. Some don't. It just depends on the person. 

[ElusiveOwl]

On 1/13/2021 at 2:31 PM, Alraune said:

 

The way he says "I like to please you, I do this because it makes you happy" is proof that he forces himself.... 

 

 

To me this sounds like completely the opposite! Just because he doesn't get the same thing out of sex, it sounds like he does get something out of it- pleasing you, making you feel happy. That shouldn't be underplayed! As humans we love to make others happy; it feels good, it feels fulfilling and like we matter to that person. Imagine other ways people try to make their partners happy; like getting involved in interests or hobbies that their partner is passionate about; even though the topic might not be particularly interesting to the other person, they can recognize the joy the partner gets out of it, and want to show that their interests are valuable because they care about that person. 

[Mountain House]

Yes, I have experienced this.  As we learn about our sexual differences we can really get deep in our heads.  It was a pretty foreign idea for me to have sex offered and feel bad about it.  Like you, stuck wondering if I was coercing or she was forcing herself. 

 

Search for "the wheel of consent".  On the giving side, would you place his action inside or outside the circle?  Show it to your husband and talk about it.  This helped me to recognize gifts when they come my way.

 

[Alraune]

2 hours ago, Mountain House said:

Yes, I have experienced this.  As we learn about our sexual differences we can really get deep in our heads.  It was a pretty foreign idea for me to have sex offered and feel bad about it.  Like you, stuck wondering if I was coercing or she was forcing herself. 

 

Search for "the wheel of consent".  On the giving side, would you place his action inside or outside the circle?  Show it to your husband and talk about it.  This helped me to recognize gifts when they come my way.

 

Have've never heard about that wheel, thank you. 

I'de say outside regarding to what he says but I don't know if I can trust him to say the truth or just to pretend to make me feel less bad... 

[Mountain House]

1 hour ago, Alraune said:

I don't know if I can trust him

You need to know.  You won't be able to effectively communicate unless you can trust him.  An objective, trained, professional third party is where you will find the help you need.  If he is game, couples therapy, if not then for sure do it on your own.

 

My experience from the story above:  Yes, she offered sex.  Yes, I freaked and couldn't.  I had feelings.  This caused her to have feelings.  Feelings are valid but feelings are not fact.  We use "The Wheel" as a visual and point saying things like, "I thought we were here...",  "No, I was thinking here...".  It helps us to uncover miscommunication.  None of this would work if I did not believe that she would communicate with me honestly, truthfully, and plain.  Miscommunication happens and sparks feelings but we get past this pretty fast these days.

 

You need to know.