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rantings of a sex-favorable ace


calico critter bunny

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calico critter bunny

so... i would like to start this by saying that i consider myself sort of between sex-favorable and sex-indifferent. i would definitely have sex if my future girlfriend wanted to and it was a more serious relationship, but i would also be fine with never having sex. i have a moderate sex drive, but being physically intimate with someone else isn't super appealing to me.

 

anyway, i wanted to talk about how asexuals who aren't sex-averse or repulsed are treated within the online ace community. not all of us think "cake is better than sex" (I'm more of a pie person, anyway) and i don't like being alienated by other aces because i don't fit others' ideas of how asexuals are. i haven't noticed this much on aven, but on instagram, tumblr, twitter, and tiktok, all the "relatable posts" for asexuals are about not liking sex, not understanding dirty jokes, not thinking people are hot, etc. i feel like the ace community needs to educate itself more on how asexuality works, and the different types of attraction. i've never really felt welcome in asexual spaces, sometimes because people literally told me that i'm not ace, and other times because i just didn't really fit the vibe of obsessing over garlic bread and being grossed out by anything vaguely sexual. now, this isn't to say that all sex-averse aces are like this, or that none of them understand that you can be asexual and have sex. it just seems to me like sometimes the ace community is partially responsible for spreading misinformation about asexuality.

 

another thing i keep seeing is people using hypersexual as the opposite of asexual. in case you didn't know, hypersexuality is a medical condition where a person becomes obsessed with sexual thoughts and urges, to a point where it may interfere with their daily life. it is sometimes, but not always, caused by sexual trauma. being hypersexual is about having an extremely high sex drive, and, as i'm sure most of you know, asexuality is when a person doesn't experience sexual attraction. people who are hypersexual aren't necessarily attracted to more people than anyone else, and asexuals don't necessarily have a low sex drive. in fact, one can be both ace and hypersexual. the opposite of asexual is allosexual (experiencing sexual attraction), not hypersexual.

 

i don't really know how to end this, but i guess all i have left to say is that we need more education about what asexuality is and what it isn't. all the misinformation out there is really harmful to every ace, and we need to change that.

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MakeupJunkie4

Maybe...just maybe....the reliable info can't be found in random TikTok posts? IDK just a wild thought. ;) Honestly, it's not hard to put your own thoughts and experiences out there on social media, and educating those within your "circle" will make a lot more impact than you think. :)  If AVEN is more of an exception to the rule, feel free to join us more often on here! Although keep in mind, everyone is different and unique, so no one is going to be on the same page at all times where asexuality is concerned.  ;) 

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I feel like my feelings towards sex are similar to yours (somewhere between indifferent and favourable), so I can relate! I have also been frustrated before with the plethora of ace content with the vibe of "who needs sex when you can have cake/garlic bread/etc". And I always try to stop myself from judging this content, because for many people it relates to their experiences, which are valid, and I'm glad this content exists, but...it can be frustrating to feel like your own feelings could be invalidated because they don't get as much representation. So in that case I guess the solution is to keep this other content, but increase the content also pointing out other asexual experiences. Now how to get this done? I'm not sure, other than to start with putting out the content yourself, if you want.

 

On another note, only tangentially related to the other one: I am always super happy for the ace community whenever there is an ace character in a show/movie/book, etc. However, these characters (especially the ones that are explicitly stated to be ace) or almost always asexual and alloromantic. Where is the aroace representation? It would be nice to see some characters whose sexuality I can relate to:(

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(Have not written a response in ages, forgive me if I don't make any sense.)

 

First off, hi ! Always glad to meet another ace, I enjoyed reading your post given the fact that I haven't heard anything like this from anyone I've spoken to on AVEN.

 

For me, I share most of the same sentiments that you have in regards to sex & a few other points you touched on. Firstly, I'm pretty much in the middle in regards to my stance on sex as an asexual; I'll be fine if I die a virgin, but I wouldn't totally rule out having sex if I met someone I felt comfortable enough to have it with. While I'm not a homoromantic ace (I'm a heteromantic ace & the stories I have from OKC still make me cringe lol), I feel as though I agreed with your views on how aces are presented on social media based on the kind that I've seen/the apps I use. As far as my sex drive goes, mine is a question mark lmao.

 

I personally have a list of things I favor over having sex, but I wouldn't put cake or garlic bread up as high as some aces do & I think that aces have something that they favor over sex be it the "typical" things some of them like or other things. For me, I'd rather adopt about 6 or 10 dogs than to have kids of my own & I'd rather binge episodes of Terrace House or Cowboy Bebop than to have sex with a guy. I haven't personally spoken up about my stance on sex in the general chat or on AVEN in a post since I did have some fear of expressing it in detail, so I appreciate that you worded this so well. All in all, I'm thankful to have found AVEN after years of battling with myself over how I viewed sex & my sexual orientation.

 

I do get where the other replies are coming from since there are almost no ace memes where you see someone actually show respect for allosexuals/aren't necessarily sex repulsed, but ace memes are pretty hard to come across & our community still gets treated as if we don't exist. I'm not placing responsibility or blame on you for this, I just think that ace representation in different places is something that's not very common. It's so easy to find memes or celebrities that don't necessarily cater to heterosexual people, but finding memes about asexuality (especially recent ones) isn't exactly a cake walk. (Totally did not intend this line, but I'm too lazy to edit my response, lmao.)

 

I also have noticed that hypersexuality tends to be treated as the opposite to asexuality, but I've met someone who explained this to me...not that it isn't the opposite, but what hypersexuality is & a few other things I asked about. What surprised me was that I had to explain to this same person what an allosexual was, but we were both happy to learn from each other while passing on what we know. I'm thankful to learn more from other aces & to unlearn what I used to think was "right" or "normal", but I do hope for our community to grow in a way that makes everyone in it feel welcome. 🤗🤗

 

TL;DR: I agree with your post & feel a lot of what you're expressing resonates with me, it's nice to see someone else feels the way I do about different things in regards to our community. Also, there is nothing wrong with aces who happen to relate to the posts we see; all aces are awesome & valid. ^^

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MakeupJunkie4
3 minutes ago, fgdsayshi said:

finding memes about asexuality (especially recent ones) isn't exactly a cake walk.

....you DID NOT.... 😂

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57 minutes ago, MakeupJunkie4 said:

....you DID NOT.... 😂

I did. *slides you a piece of cake*

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everywhere and nowhere

Believe me, sex-averse aces sometimes feel alienated too. Fortunately, this kind of attitude is rather dying out, maybe due to education efforts - but there used to be stereotypes that a "True Asexual" should Just Not Care about sex and that those who are actively sex-averse Have A Problem instead. I have still seen it alive and well (if such a word can be used to refer to such an unfriendly stereotype) at the Polish asexuality forum - one of the reasons why I like it much less than this one. I have also encountered some pathologisation of sex aversion here, but almost always not by other aces - rather by people who couldn't accept that "not finding anyone sexually attractive while desiring sex" is not asexuality and would try to relieve their frustration by attacking a group they considered yet weaker - sex-averse people.

We may also feel alienated when it seems that all aces in relationships who weren't lucky to find a suitable asexual partner do have sex - and it makes those of us who feel that we simply couldn't bring ourselves to do it feel afraid that we will always be lonely...

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Purple Red Panda

Ultimately asexuality covers a broad range of experience and feelings relating to sex, in that respect it is no different to any other sexuality. I think some of the stereotypes and 'cake is better than sex' stuff within the ace community may be a reaction to living in a society that is mainly made up of sexual people which can be at times be very alienating for asexuals. That being said I think we should be respectful of the spectrum of ace views when it comes to sex, I'm probably sex favourable but other asexuals aren't, neither of these positions are more asexual than the other the other and we should all make an effort to understand the feelings of others in the community. I've certainly learn't a lot about other peoples experiences from my time on AVEN and thanks to people like @Nowhere Girl I have a better understanding of sex aversion than I used to.

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I mean, I don't think it's right to say "you're not asexual because you're not like me" but I don't think you can be mad at sex-averse asexuals to share their experiences? Like, I'm sex-repulsed and no matter how well I'm educated on sex-favorable aces I'm not gonna post a meme about sex-favorable aces cuz... can't relate? I think anyone is welcome to point out their own experiences and no one should be shamed on sharing their own.

Also cake is better than sex is merely an expression. It's kind of a way to stand against this whole oversexualized culture. Like, I don't necessarily care about cakes too much, but I relate to this expression because I don't like how culture makes sex the most important thing in our lives.

 

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I'm also more on the sex-favourable side and agree with quite a lot that you've written.

 

I think it's extremely dangerous to say some people are 'more' ace than others because of their sexual behaviour or their feelings about sex in general. I completely agree that asexuality shouldn't boil down to things you've listed like not liking sex, not finding people attractive or not understanding sexual jokes. Yes those might be the case for many people within the ace community, but applying these things to the community as a whole can be harmful, and as someone who had misconceptions about asexuality for a long time I'm very much against spreading misinformation.

 

We should accept that there are different perspectives within the ace community and try to understand the others, rather than alienate them or ranking who is more or less ace. And for what it's worth, I've found it extremely helpful to read more about sex-averse people's experiences on here.

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I absolutely agree with this, and I’ve always liked pie more than cake. I feel like the asexual community is almost downsized to being somewhat childlike because of our general lack of interest in sex which is a “grown up” interest. I’ve pretty much always disliked being treated younger than I am, and I dislike most childish things now as an adult, like cartoons, cute fashion, etc. So, I completely understand what you’re saying with the community being characterized as not being able to make a sex joke, or watch a sex scene without cringing, etc. (But i also want to say I support all sex-repulsed aces too. Y’all are loved and valid) 

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3 hours ago, LesMeufs18 said:

I absolutely agree with this, and I’ve always liked pie more than cake. I feel like the asexual community is almost downsized to being somewhat childlike because of our general lack of interest in sex which is a “grown up” interest. I’ve pretty much always disliked being treated younger than I am, and I dislike most childish things now as an adult, like cartoons, cute fashion, etc. So, I completely understand what you’re saying with the community being characterized as not being able to make a sex joke, or watch a sex scene without cringing, etc. (But i also want to say I support all sex-repulsed aces too. Y’all are loved and valid) 

I think being downsized to being childlike is society's fault. We're not childish and the outer society doesn't have the right or an excuse to call us that. Sex needs maturity and responsibility but it's not the other way around and I think it's time we spread this idea.

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