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Greysexual on your dating profile?


Hypnotic

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Hey so this came up in another post but what do people think about stating you’re greysexual  in your dating profile?

I realise it’s v important to be honest and I definitely would want to tell someone early on in the dating process but I’m worried that by putting it up on my profile it will affect my chances of meeting someone seeing as in wider society people have very limited understanding of this. 

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I should also add that making it visible on my profile helps me to feel seen and a little less lost in the dating world in what feels like an ocean of allos and also that it might help me to meet another grey person which would be, pardon the pun, ‘ace’ !! 
 

But still I worry about judgements and rejection...

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I suppose it might depend on the details of your 'grey-ness': If you feel almost asexual with litte to no willingness to compromise in a relationship with an allo, or if you feel sexual desire/attraction in a very specific context, it might rather be good to state it, but if you feel like somewhere in the middle between sexual and asexual and might be compatible with some allos, the disadvantages of stating it might outweight the advantages ...?

However, I'm not experienced with online dating, so maybe I'm wrong. Interesting question though.

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That's a good question. I don't do online dating profiles, but if I did, I'd struggle with that choice too. I think that I would rather just mention that I'm not really sexual when I actually talk to people, but if it became a problem, like meeting too many sexual people, then I would list that. I wouldn't say 'graysexual' unless I explained it though, cuz it's not really known about much.

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1 hour ago, Sarah-Sylvia said:

I wouldn't say 'graysexual' unless I explained it though, cuz it's not really known about much.

I will add to this by saying that I think it would be best for you to leave it out of the bio but once you notice things are becoming more intimate with you both then its appropriate to mention your sexuality and an explanation of it to make them better understand what you are. Its also best to explain this in the start of the relationship so you both don't make an unnecessary expectations of each other. 

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On 1/12/2021 at 3:35 PM, LoveNotSex? said:

I suppose it might depend on the details of your 'grey-ness': If you feel almost asexual with litte to no willingness to compromise in a relationship with an allo, or if you feel sexual desire/attraction in a very specific context, it might rather be good to state it, but if you feel like somewhere in the middle between sexual and asexual and might be compatible with some allos, the disadvantages of stating it might outweight the advantages ...?

However, I'm not experienced with online dating, so maybe I'm wrong. Interesting question though.

In my one long term relationship my experience was that I was able to enjoy sex for about one year with my partner. That was with a man and since then I’ve experienced much stronger sexual feelings for women but have never been in the right situation to act on it so it’s really hard for me to know to be honest and I won’t know really until I meet someone I am very intensely romantically attracted to which is rare for me.  I have to be romantically attracted before I can generally  enjoy sex with someone. 
However saying this while I would love to be able to have a sexual relationship with someone for the connection, I generally am indifferent to sex for the most part and really don’t think about it that much. 

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On 1/12/2021 at 5:15 PM, Sarah-Sylvia said:

That's a good question. I don't do online dating profiles, but if I did, I'd struggle with that choice too. I think that I would rather just mention that I'm not really sexual when I actually talk to people, but if it became a problem, like meeting too many sexual people, then I would list that. I wouldn't say 'graysexual' unless I explained it though, cuz it's not really known about much.

Yeah tbh I’d rather not do online dating. I’ve never actually met anyone online who I’ve ever been really attracted to but feels like online is the only option just now in this pandemic world.
 

Yeah that’s good just saying I’m not too sexual or maybe I’m indifferent to sex is a lot easier. 


 

 

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On 1/12/2021 at 7:04 PM, PrimeJelly said:

I will add to this by saying that I think it would be best for you to leave it out of the bio but once you notice things are becoming more intimate with you both then its appropriate to mention your sexuality and an explanation of it to make them better understand what you are. Its also best to explain this in the start of the relationship so you both don't make an unnecessary expectations of each other. 

Thanks. Yes I think I agree, definitely need to make it clear early on. For this reason I’ve also started using the word Queer in my bio which is a very handy catch all term instead of all the panromantic /greyness.... 

 

 

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DarkStormyKnight

So I met my current partner on Hinge (another dating app lol) and I had the fact that I'm asexual front and center. I'm almost positive that it meant that I matched with less people, and I definitely got some strange comments from strangers. BUT HAVING SAID THAT if someone isn't down with asexuality (or the ace spectrum, in your case) then I personally wouldn't want to have my time wasted by matching with them only to find that out.

This is just me though, if you don't want to come out to a bunch of strangers online, you should NOT feel obligated to.

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I clearly state on dating profiles that I am asexual. I assume some people ignore me because of it but that's fine cause it wouldn't have worked out anyway. Some people don't care about bios and then ask about it later on. Then you can judge how compatible they are by how intrusive their questions are. Some people already know what asexuals are and don't talk about it. 

 

I do sometimes talk about being grey-romantic with people because I cannot tell at all through a dating site if I like romantically. I can tell if I enjoy their company but I only experiece attraction to them once I've met in person. I talk about grey-romantisim less as its kind of a given that once you meet someone that spark may not be there. Also for me my attraction is instant or nothing, and generally its nothing. 

 

I do it this way because I don't want to waste anyone's time. I do not think it has really affected the number of people I match with. It just depends on how comfortable you are, if you want to have that stated from the get go, I don't think it stops people from having an interest. 

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Thanks everyone can I just say these are really helpful responses!

 

5 hours ago, DarkStormyKnight said:

So I met my current partner on Hinge (another dating app lol) and I had the fact that I'm asexual front and center. I'm almost positive that it meant that I matched with less people, and I definitely got some strange comments from strangers. BUT HAVING SAID THAT if someone isn't down with asexuality (or the ace spectrum, in your case) then I personally wouldn't want to have my time wasted by matching with them only to find that out.

This is just me though, if you don't want to come out to a bunch of strangers online, you should NOT feel obligated to.

That's great.  I think you are right about wasting time.  Do you live in a big city though?  I live in a smallish city and I just worry that there aren't enough people.... that's why I like to keep my options open as much as possible.  Also because of this there isn't so much anonymity and I would worry about some people seeing it as I haven't told anyone about my greyness and Im not really planning to because I'm in my thirties and people in my generation just are not as aware of or open to different sexualities as younger generations.  Yes it's fine to be gay, bi or hetero but anything else they just will not get it.  Also coming out as gay was stressful enough for one lifetime :) 

Another point I realise is, well do I want to be with someone who doesn't want to try to understand me and the answer is no definitely not but just still afraid of judgements, it's silly I know.  Can I ask how your partner responds to to your asexuality? 

 

2 hours ago, groovygrievy said:

I clearly state on dating profiles that I am asexual. I assume some people ignore me because of it but that's fine cause it wouldn't have worked out anyway. Some people don't care about bios and then ask about it later on. Then you can judge how compatible they are by how intrusive their questions are. Some people already know what asexuals are and don't talk about it. 

 

I do sometimes talk about being grey-romantic with people because I cannot tell at all through a dating site if I like romantically. I can tell if I enjoy their company but I only experiece attraction to them once I've met in person. I talk about grey-romantisim less as its kind of a given that once you meet someone that spark may not be there. Also for me my attraction is instant or nothing, and generally its nothing. 

 

I do it this way because I don't want to waste anyone's time. I do not think it has really affected the number of people I match with. It just depends on how comfortable you are, if you want to have that stated from the get go, I don't think it stops people from having an interest. 

I am very similar and wonder if I'm grey romantic too but to be honest I don't think most people cannot tell if they are attracted to someone from a photo and this it the problem with dating apps, most of my friends who are allos say this too.  

I am the same with attraction, instant or nothing and generally nothing too, it's very annoying isn't it?!

 

That's interest in what you say that it doesn't stop people having an interest and gives me some hope I guess.  I definitely agree that having it clear from the get go makes me feel more comfortable because usually when I date someone I stress out an awful lot about the fact that the person wants to have sex and that I might not want to.  Other times though if I am really into someone I think I may well want to have sex with them, it's hard to predict though and that is why I am grey but no one knows about grey sexuality.  You see my predicament? "I may or may not want to have sex with you, but I still want to hold your hand and kiss you', I don't know if many people will get their heads around this.

 

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3 hours ago, Hypnotic said:

I am very similar and wonder if I'm grey romantic too but to be honest I don't think most people cannot tell if they are attracted to someone from a photo and this it the problem with dating apps, most of my friends who are allos say this too.  

I am the same with attraction, instant or nothing and generally nothing too, it's very annoying isn't it?!

omg instant or nothing attraction is soooo annoying. Allos say you can't know in the first 20 minutes if you really like someone or not and I do. And it sucks. You meet someone, they are a nice person, they're physically appealing, they laugh at your jokes and the little part in your brain that deals with dishing out attraction just goes "nope, not this one". 

 

3 hours ago, Hypnotic said:

That's interest in what you say that it doesn't stop people having an interest and gives me some hope I guess.  I definitely agree that having it clear from the get go makes me feel more comfortable because usually when I date someone I stress out an awful lot about the fact that the person wants to have sex and that I might not want to.  Other times though if I am really into someone I think I may well want to have sex with them, it's hard to predict though and that is why I am grey but no one knows about grey sexuality.  You see my predicament? "I may or may not want to have sex with you, but I still want to hold your hand and kiss you', I don't know if many people will get their heads around this.

there are definitely less people out there who will get that. There are people who will feel unwanted because of that and may choose to not date you for that reason. It can be very difficult to navigate those things with allos. That being said while I was figuring out my whole asexual ness I was dating someone and he was very understanding. While there are fewer people who are okay with ace-spec stuff there are still individuals may just really like you. I think its good to be open, i also know that I find it much easier to be frank with people through a dating app than in person. So good luck to you, I hope it works out for you. 

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13 hours ago, groovygrievy said:

omg instant or nothing attraction is soooo annoying. Allos say you can't know in the first 20 minutes if you really like someone or not and I do. And it sucks. You meet someone, they are a nice person, they're physically appealing, they laugh at your jokes and the little part in your brain that deals with dishing out attraction just goes "nope, not this one". 

 

there are definitely less people out there who will get that. There are people who will feel unwanted because of that and may choose to not date you for that reason. It can be very difficult to navigate those things with allos. That being said while I was figuring out my whole asexual ness I was dating someone and he was very understanding. While there are fewer people who are okay with ace-spec stuff there are still individuals may just really like you. I think its good to be open, i also know that I find it much easier to be frank with people through a dating app than in person. So good luck to you, I hope it works out for you. 

arggggh!  YES it kills me!! I've met so many wonderful people and I'm like, urghhhh "Why can't I fancy you? You would be just perfect..."    I just wish I could feel the same way back.  

 

Yeah my real hope is that I will just meet someone and they will accept and love me for who I am.  I think if the romantic love is strong enough this is a possibility. Also I'd definitely consider an open relationship if the foundations were strong enough too.

That's also why I'm holding out for the right person but it's taking a long time....  

 

Yeah I think I totally see the value in putting it in your profile from the outset.  I might well do this if I can build up the courage.......!

 

Hope it works out for you too.  

 

 

 

 

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DarkStormyKnight
18 hours ago, Hypnotic said:

That's great.  I think you are right about wasting time.  Do you live in a big city though?  I live in a smallish city and I just worry that there aren't enough people.... that's why I like to keep my options open as much as possible.  Also because of this there isn't so much anonymity and I would worry about some people seeing it as I haven't told anyone about my greyness and Im not really planning to because I'm in my thirties and people in my generation just are not as aware of or open to different sexualities as younger generations.  Yes it's fine to be gay, bi or hetero but anything else they just will not get it.  Also coming out as gay was stressful enough for one lifetime :) 

Another point I realise is, well do I want to be with someone who doesn't want to try to understand me and the answer is no definitely not but just still afraid of judgements, it's silly I know.  Can I ask how your partner responds to to your asexuality? 

 

:) I live in a smallish city, definitely not rural though. And it's a very liberal city so it's easy to be queer and accepted which is nice. Ah the anonymity thing is interesting, where I live is large enough that I've never had the misfortune of running into people that I only saw on dating apps. Especially if you're worried about reactions coming out, maybe there's a more subtle way of indicating you sexuality, like with a picture of the flag or something? Idk, might be worth thinking about.

You can totally ask about my partner! He was very accepting from the beginning of my sexuality, he thinks he might be demi or a-spec somewhere as well which definitely helps. I still had to explain what being asexual means specifically for me, but he did know about it in advance so didn't have to give the whole schpiel. I think putting it on my profile, while it didn't solve all conflict relating to this (everyone has different needs), it meant that we felt comfortable discussing that from the beginning to make sure that we were on the same page. Which was definitely helpful for me since I was nervous about it.

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