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My partner is saying he is Asexual- he thinks...


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Hi,

 

My partner and i met on a dating web site over three years ago, when we got together we had sex quite often, as is with any new relationship - he had erectile issues - and sometimes took Viagra - now he wont take it as it gives him a headache, so i suggested other medications - he wont take anything now and wont engaged in any form of sexual foreplay or activity - he never never get an involuntary erection and doesn't masturbate at all.

 

We did go for some counselling but when it got to the part where we had to do physical stuff - he stopped going.  He is now saying he finds me attractive but doesn't want to have sex, i don't know how to handle this - we get on very well in all other respects but he is 61 and i am 56 and sexual (not highly) but find him attractive and would like to have sex at some point with him. He says he has absolutely no urge to have sex and no sexual thoughts or anything that he wants to do sexually.

 

What do i do - i am at a loss.

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I think you should respect the fact that he doesn't wanna engage in any sexual activity, and don't try to force him into doing anything he isn't comfortable doing.

Asexual people can be okay with having sex even if they don't necessarily have the desire to, this might be why you had often sex before. But remember, sex isn't mandatory to have an healthy and happy realtionship ! Know that, as he is asexual, you partner not wanting to have sex with you isn't personal at all, it doesn't mean in any way that he dislikes you. 

We can't really tell you what to do, it's up to you and your partner to figure out how your relationship will evolve, but we at the forum can still help you being a bit less lost about the situation :)

 How do you feel about the fact that you won't have sex with your partner ? And do you think this would be a dealbreaker or do you think you can still be able to stay with him ? 

 

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Traveler40
23 hours ago, Edels said:

But remember, sex isn't mandatory to have an healthy and happy realtionship

I couldn’t disagree more as a sexual woman. @Lara Black comes to mind, but I would say that happily sexless is the anomaly.
 

@Clairead, you’ll have to work together to find the true cause of his lack of desire. Frankly, it may not be asexuality at all, but be tied to his ED. 
 

In that case, work with his physician. Fully communicate your thoughts, feelings and support and don’t give up until it’s clear he has. At that point, you’ll have to make decisions that work best for you. 

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Mountain House
2 hours ago, Edels said:

But remember, sex isn't mandatory to have an healthy and happy realtionship !

 

1 hour ago, Traveler40 said:

I couldn’t disagree more as a sexual woman.

I don't want to be a pedant (but it is in my nature :) ); The word used was "relationship" and there are many types of relationships that are healthy and happy and sexless.  As a sexual person I would not be happy without at least one consummate lover in my life but that does not mean I must exclude companionate relationships.

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Sarah-Sylvia

When someone has no drive to masturbate either, it could have to do with sex drive as well.
You can't really force someone to have sex whether they're asexual or have low libido, so either way it takes acceptance. And if it's 'only' about libido, then they can only try to see if something could help, you can't guarantee that it'll go up.

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Traveler40
13 minutes ago, Mountain House said:

I don't want to be a pedant (but it is in my nature :) ); The word used was "relationship" and there are many types of relationships that are healthy and happy and sexless.  As a sexual person I would not be happy without at least one consummate lover in my life but that does not mean I must exclude companionate relationships.

Ah, you’re correct. I assumed too narrowly. Mea culpa!

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Lara Black
15 hours ago, Traveler40 said:

I couldn’t disagree more as a sexual woman. @Lara Blackcomes to mind, but I would say that happily sexless is the anomaly.

 

Having been mentioned, I feel I need to clarify. Our relationship isn’t sexless – we simply don’t have traditional PtoV sex. But my partner has always been willing to give me sexual pleasure as best he can and to learn how to do it better. And one very important thing is - he really likes doing it, he's happy in bed with me. By now (5 years into our relationships) he’s the best lover I’ve ever had. So we're kind of a weird example for a happy sexless relationship.

 

My position on AVEN is that one’s relationship doesn’t have to be traditional – if you’re both happy and it works for the both of you – cool. But if one side is unhappy and the other doesn’t want to look for solutions, I don’t think that works well.

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Partners need to be sexually compatible in order to have a happy relationship.  That compatibility may include no sex,  or one-sided sex but that depends on the people. Some people are happy just receiving pleasure, for other sexual intimacy needs to include shared pleasure and desire.

 

I think trying to maintain a relationship where there is a fundimental difference in sexual interest, is asking for misery ( speaking from >30 years of experience)

 

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Is it possible he's just ... you know ... getting old and slowing down?  Just a though.  Sorry, but 61 and all that.

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On 1/12/2021 at 9:12 AM, Clairead said:

Hi,

 

My partner and i met on a dating web site over three years ago, when we got together we had sex quite often, as is with any new relationship - he had erectile issues - and sometimes took Viagra - now he wont take it as it gives him a headache, so i suggested other medications - he wont take anything now and wont engaged in any form of sexual foreplay or activity - he never never get an involuntary erection and doesn't masturbate at all.

Did he at one time have a libido, desire for sex and masturbate or is this how he has always been and just did it for you? If it is a newer thing, then it sounds more like a loss of libido. Not just physical difficulty and not life long orientation. But, if it is how he's always been and he's just tired of forcing it, then that is different. 

 

On 1/12/2021 at 9:12 AM, Clairead said:

 

We did go for some counselling but when it got to the part where we had to do physical stuff - he stopped going.

What do you mean by this ? The counselor tried to make him have sex regardless of his feelings..? 

 

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If he doesn't want to have sex -- for whatever reason   -- that's his choice.  Whatever relationship you continue to have will not be improved by you assuming that he must "fix" himself.  

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