Asexuality or something else?

[ConfusedDreamer]

So... I think it’s probably best to start with admitting that I’m in some sort of self exploration phase where I try to figure out ”what I am”.

 

Let’s start at the beginning. I realized in my teen years that I’ve known how to masturbate since I was 3-4 years old. It’s something I do by crossing my legs repeatedly until I orgasm. I never actually have any kind of penetration. I had no idea what this was before I knew what orgasms were, I just labeled it as something that ”felt nice”.

 

I had a severe crush on a boy in middle school, to the point were I planned our whole future together (purely romantic and nothing sexual) and years after, when I confessed, he rejected me.

 

I thought that the rejection made me unable to trust people, which is why I had no desire whatsoever to even try and date through high school, and when I went to university, I decided that it was time for me to get a boyfriend. 
 

The boyfriend was amazing on paper. Good-looking, charismatic, funny... But I never felt that... thing that made me want to be intimate, I hated kissing and I hated when he touched me.

 

I still however had it stuck in my head that sex was a part of the relationship, so when we became ”official” I said that I wanted to do it. It got to the point where we were naked and I was on top of him, when I burst out crying, it was like my whole body screaming no at me. We broke up shortly after that.

I tried to figure out what it was, I believed that I might be gay, but after dating a girl, the need to be physical was nowhere to be found. 
 

So I figured that I had to be in love to feel sexual attraction, demisexual, that makes sense, right? 
 

So fast forward a few years after focusing on my career and stimulating myself with my superpower of orgasms without touch and watching BDSM porn and reading fanfic smut. Naked people are just really ugly looking and genitalia kind of disgust me like it would a child. But I do like porn with people being tied up and really soft porn when it’s mostly sensual touch more than actual sex.

 

Anyways, the summer of 2020 I got a really strong emotional connection with one of my best friends and my brain went straight to the future of us having a family and living together and being happily ever after. He’s also into BDSM, so I figured it was a perfect match. In the beginning, I really thought I was demisexual, I got wet when he touched me in certain places like my neck and the side of my back, but as soon as he got his hands close to an intimate area, I shrug away and I feel like I really don’t want it, which feels really contradicting.

 

Another thing to add is that I went to a health checkup at the gynecologist where they use that shoehorn thing to spread the vagina, but as soon as she tried to slide it in, it felt like she was shoving in a knife so I screamed and cried and had more or less a panic attack while she pushed through so she could get through the examination to get the sample. Afterwards, she told me to get help cause she felt sorry for me and my reaction to being penetrated with a plastic shoehorn or whatever they’re called.

 

So my question is mostly... What am I?

 

I think I identify as asexual because my lack of need for any form of sexual connection and lack of sexual attraction to humans in general. I don’t look at a human and feel a need to be close to them and I really prefer to keep them at arm’s lenght.

 

If a stranger tries to touch me, I weasel away like an eel.

 

I don’l like kisses cause they taste bad, I don’t like getting my boobs squeezed cause it makes me feel nothing, I don’t like it when things come close to my vagina cause it’s uncomfortble as hell.

 

But I love having orgasms, and I love ”playing” with myself. I love the idea of true love and a future with someone I love. 
 

And I also have all the strange kinks like tentacle porn, BDSM, bondage, roleplaying...

 

Can anyone relate? 

 

If it’s as easy as not wanting to have sex with someone, I’m not sure if I’m ace, cause I want sex, I really do. And I want kids and a family and a normal life, but my body and the strong part of my brain is just like NO.

 

So what decides what’s real? The body and mind or just... fantasies and dreams?

 

I hope someone out there is able to help me understand me better.

 

And I hope someone out there is like me ✨

[Sarah-Sylvia]

Hi. I feel like my post won't really cover much, and I'm sorry about that, but one way to look at asexuality is not being drawn to have sex with people.
You mentioned wanting sex, and I wonder what that means for you, because that can be enough to not be asexual. Nothing wrong with however someone is though.
Some people have certain aversions or repulsions, whether it's psychological or a nervous sensitivity, so it could be be that you have trouble with certain things around someone else touching you. But it could also be that you're on the ace spectrum and you only 'think' you want sex (as an idea) and you just dont feel it with real people. At the very least from what you said it seems like you can feel sexual around sensuality, but not direct sexuality?  I'm not sure where that would fall, cuz I've always said that sex happened with sexual stimulation, and those touches could maybe count, and maybe the rest wasn't compatible with what's sexual for you. Or maybe there's more going on for you.

What feels truer to you?
 

[natureiswonderful]

Hi, I can relate in some ways ... I was touching myself down there, maybe before my teens and it felt nice. I'm not intimate with guys and I'm ok with self pleasure. I don't like being kissed on the lips, and sometimes on the face or some other parts of my body are ok. Yah, touching my boobs does nothing for me.

 

Sounds like you might be ACE, unless you do have a slight desire to want intercourse. I'm not one to understand all the terms, so someone else can maybe help you there. The way the intimacy is for you and touching maybe isn't desirable, so ask for what you want. Or the sensual stimulation will possibly have a desire for sex? Whatever you are feeling, know that you are who you are and you know what you like/dislike. I'm always learning about my sensual desires and what I'm comfortable with. I'm aware I don't seem to have sexual stimulation but sensual pleasure with touch I request.

 

As for the gyno (PAP test), maybe you are tight down there? Or ask for a smaller diameter device and ask they be gentle. I know it helps if you breathe through the process.

 

If you ever want to write privately, DM me.

[Janus the Fox]

Moved to The Grey Area, Sex and Related Discussions

 

Janus DarkFox

Weekends Asexual Relationships, Current Questions about Asexuality, Asexual Musings and Rantings & Open Mic Moderator

[ConfusedDreamer]

20 hours ago, Sarah-Sylvia said:

Hi. I feel like my post won't really cover much, and I'm sorry about that, but one way to look at asexuality is not being drawn to have sex with people.
You mentioned wanting sex, and I wonder what that means for you, because that can be enough to not be asexual. Nothing wrong with however someone is though.
Some people have certain aversions or repulsions, whether it's psychological or a nervous sensitivity, so it could be be that you have trouble with certain things around someone else touching you. But it could also be that you're on the ace spectrum and you only 'think' you want sex (as an idea) and you just dont feel it with real people. At the very least from what you said it seems like you can feel sexual around sensuality, but not direct sexuality?  I'm not sure where that would fall, cuz I've always said that sex happened with sexual stimulation, and those touches could maybe count, and maybe the rest wasn't compatible with what's sexual for you. Or maybe there's more going on for you.

What feels truer to you?
 

I think I mostly like sex as an idea, I for example love reading about smut and imagine how it would feel like, but as soon as it becomes an option it’s like everything inside me is screaming no. It’s just strange that I can get aroused but not want sex, I just mostly want to get aroused and then masturbate by myself. I really don’t like the idea of having anything inside of me. I’ve tried to masturbate with sex toys but they do nothing at all for me, the only thing that can make me orgasm is my own masturbating technuiqe. So is it that I spoiled myself and I know that sex won’t ever be as good as the way I can make it on my own? 
 

the reason I want sex is probably because I want kids someday, and I know it’s pretty hard to achive if I don’t learn how to get things in and out of my vigina without cringing at the sensation.

 

but I think you’re right that I’m somewhere on the ace spectrum because of my lack of desire for sex with another human 

 

I just wish I knew exactly what it was.

 

but thank you so much for your answer! 

[Sarah-Sylvia]

6 minutes ago, ConfusedDreamer said:

I think I mostly like sex as an idea, I for example love reading about smut and imagine how it would feel like, but as soon as it becomes an option it’s like everything inside me is screaming no. It’s just strange that I can get aroused but not want sex, I just mostly want to get aroused and then masturbate by myself. I really don’t like the idea of having anything inside of me. I’ve tried to masturbate with sex toys but they do nothing at all for me, the only thing that can make me orgasm is my own masturbating technuiqe. So is it that I spoiled myself and I know that sex won’t ever be as good as the way I can make it on my own? 
 

the reason I want sex is probably because I want kids someday, and I know it’s pretty hard to achive if I don’t learn how to get things in and out of my vigina without cringing at the sensation.

 

but I think you’re right that I’m somewhere on the ace spectrum because of my lack of desire for sex with another human 

 

I just wish I knew exactly what it was.

 

but thank you so much for your answer! 

Ok. It sounds a bit complicated, but if you don't really want sex with a person, then yeah it easily puts you on the ace spectrum

I'm sure you can benefit from the site, there's plenty of people you'll be able to relate to I'm sure.  And some asexuals do want children. They're possible through insemination as well if ever you can't deal with penetration. In whatever case hope you can be true to you

[ConfusedDreamer]

13 hours ago, natureiswonderful said:

Hi, I can relate in some ways ... I was touching myself down there, maybe before my teens and it felt nice. I'm not intimate with guys and I'm ok with self pleasure. I don't like being kissed on the lips, and sometimes on the face or some other parts of my body are ok. Yah, touching my boobs does nothing for me.

 

Sounds like you might be ACE, unless you do have a slight desire to want intercourse. I'm not one to understand all the terms, so someone else can maybe help you there. The way the intimacy is for you and touching maybe isn't desirable, so ask for what you want. Or the sensual stimulation will possibly have a desire for sex? Whatever you are feeling, know that you are who you are and you know what you like/dislike. I'm always learning about my sensual desires and what I'm comfortable with. I'm aware I don't seem to have sexual stimulation but sensual pleasure with touch I request.

 

As for the gyno (PAP test), maybe you are tight down there? Or ask for a smaller diameter device and ask they be gentle. I know it helps if you breathe through the process.

 

If you ever want to write privately, DM me.

Thank you for the response! It’s nice to see that I’m not all alone.

 

The thing is that I feel extremely uncomfortable with the idea of intercourse, and I definitely don’t want anything inside of me cause it seems like I will never be able to ”come” with vaginal stimulation it just hurts and feels really uncomfortable.

 

I’m also not attracted to other people, I usually see people as robots, or just beings doing what I do. Work, live, eat, sleep, so whenever someone shows an interest in me for any reason, I just want to ask why, cause I don’t feel that way about anyone. My current boyfriend and I work cause I told him that sex is not something I want in the relationship and he respects that, and he’s also one of my best friends and I just love to be around him, talk to him, do things like adventures that most platonic people could do or just romantic things that don’t demand intimacy. Like dinner, watching movies and stuff.

 

I also think you’re right about me being tight down there, but I don’t think it’s the source for my sexuality (or lack thereof) otherwise it feels like I would have had a much stronger urge to fix it. But I enjoy my superpower to orgasm without penetration or vaginal stimulation a lot more than I desire sex with another human.

 

i’m new to this site so I don’t know how to DM, so could you DM me? If you want to continue the conversation that is, otherwise I thank you so much for your time!

[ConfusedDreamer]

6 minutes ago, Sarah-Sylvia said:

Ok. It sounds a bit complicated, but if you don't really want sex with a person, then yeah it easily puts you on the ace spectrum

I'm sure you can benefit from the site, there's plenty of people you'll be able to relate to I'm sure.  And some asexuals do want children. They're possible through insemination as well if ever you can't deal with penetration. In whatever case hope you can be true to you

It is really complicated and I hate not having a ”clear” answer for what I am. But I’m glad that I finally started looking and finding this place, I’ve been scrolling through the forums for hours, reading about other people’s experiences and Ace is the closest I’ve ever gotten to ever labeling myself, but I’ll keep looking until I know just what I am. It’s truly the beginning of a long and overdo journey!

 

thank you so much for helping!

[ilikebirds]

You sound similar to me, I can get aroused and horny and I enjoy masturbating but I would never actually have sex with a real person. Asexuality is just a lack of sexual attraction to other people, and we can definitely still have libidos. If you don’t feel sexually attracted to others you could definitely be ace no matter what kind of fantasies you have. I’m ace and I like some porn as well, as watching other people get aroused/partake in sexual activity can make me physically aroused, but I would still never want to do those things in real life and I have no sexual attraction. If I got into a sexual situation in real life I’d be repulsed like you and my body would just scream “no”. I’m also aromantic and have no desire for a romantic relationship at all. I just don’t feel any kind of attraction to people other than platonic, but I still have a libido and enjoy sexual pleasure through masturbating.

[ConfusedDreamer]

On 1/13/2021 at 6:04 PM, ilikebirds said:

You sound similar to me, I can get aroused and horny and I enjoy masturbating but I would never actually have sex with a real person. Asexuality is just a lack of sexual attraction to other people, and we can definitely still have libidos. If you don’t feel sexually attracted to others you could definitely be ace no matter what kind of fantasies you have. I’m ace and I like some porn as well, as watching other people get aroused/partake in sexual activity can make me physically aroused, but I would still never want to do those things in real life and I have no sexual attraction. If I got into a sexual situation in real life I’d be repulsed like you and my body would just scream “no”. I’m also aromantic and have no desire for a romantic relationship at all. I just don’t feel any kind of attraction to people other than platonic, but I still have a libido and enjoy sexual pleasure through masturbating.

That’s really interesting! I’m glad I’m not alone in that aspect. And thank you for explaining further what it means, cause it’s so confusing when my brains says two contradicting statements about what I want, but I think you got it pretty right. Fantazising and executing are two completely different things, and one does not have to mean the other.

 

Thank you for sharing your thoughts!