Why would anyone stay in an Abusive Relationship?

[Guest]

2 hours ago, Lipbalm said:

Sorry if this comes across wrongly

It doesn't, and you are entitled based on your own experiences to feel that way.

 

You're right on some people not wanting to change, but I just question them being happy with the status quo vs being comfortable with it.

[Janus the Fox]

Maybe not happy, but a strong fear of rejection or fear of an even worse outcome breaking up with a partner could befall them.  
 

Spoilers for TV Plot and uncomfortable descriptions

Spoiler

There was a long term Abusive Relationship on the UK Soap Opera Coronation Street where all forms of abuse where tackled, starting from the verbal, the emotional, the physical, stripping away all of that characters strengths to a point the victim lashes out which themselves get convicted of attempted murder.  The abuser playing all forms of victimisation.  Only when their past abuse survivor testifies in court as when the victim if freed.  In typical Soap Opera fashion, the abuser plots to murder the victim themselves which ends in their own death from a great height.  On Christmas because of course Christmas.

 

[Guest]

4 hours ago, Janus DarkFox said:

but a strong fear of rejection or fear of an even worse outcome breaking up with a partner could befall them.

That sounds a bit more accurate, as there is a fear that stems from their self-esteem being destroyed. The may never be loved again. Their partners have often guilt tripped them in this ultimate co-dependent relationship, leaving them fearing what would end up of their partners if they left. Their own instincts and love, essentially used against them.

[ryn2]

Also, and this may be why it comes across as loving drama, some people with attachment issues and/or other behavioral health issues don’t (as others have said) know what healthy relationships feel like.  All they know is what they’re used to, and - until they are able to recognize and address their issues, which may be a huge endeavor - healthy relationships feel... kind of boring.  People mistake drama and out-of-control emotions for passion.

[failing adult]

@Sarah-Sylvia

Okay so my grandmother was in a number of abusive relationships from the time she was 15 till she just decided to leave off relationships altogether in her 40's.

My mother was also in a number of abusive relationships from the age of 17.

I've experienced parental abuse growing up.

 

It's important to understand that abusers are good at what they do.

They can often put on fronts as the most thoughtful, loving and caring individuals at the beginning of relationships.

They endear themselves to you, and sometimes slowly alienate you from friends and family.

They make themselves an integral part of your life, they make you love them and trust them implicitly, so that when the abuse starts, you think ' oh i must have done something to deserve it' or 'this is just a one time thing they're just stressed', or any kind of variation.

No matter how strong someone is, how brave or smart, this kind of manipulation is hard to catch if your not watching, and even then it can sneak up on you.

 

As for staying in relationships?

Fear, of their partner, of what they could do to them if they found out they were leaving or planning to. Of what they could do to the people they care about. My grans husband threatened to drown their son if she went to the police. He put a brick through her parents window. He bottled one of her best friends.

 

Love, you can't condemn them for loving someone, even if its their abuser. Love is powerful, even when its bad for you. Sometimes people love someone, the relationship, the hope to return to happier times too much to risk leaving. My mum stayed with my bio dad for so long because he manipulated her into loving him in her teens and he was all she knew.

 

Security, abusers can sometimes leave you reliant on them, this is a form of abuse in of itself. They can make you emotionally, socially and financially reliant on them. Sometimes you can't leave because you have nowhere to go, no money of your own, they alienated you from friends and family, they made you quit your job or wouldn't let you work. the list is endless.

 

Please don't be so quick to say 'I would never let someone do that to me'.

[Guest]

38 minutes ago, ryn2 said:

Also, and this may be why it comes across as loving drama

I can see how it would come across that way, as from my experience, the reliable partners would often seem boring to them. Some would opt for the guys who wouldn't call them back. Who would neg them, and chisel at their insecurities and gaslight where required. Kind of like how I used to go for the damsel in distress. I would go for them, hook line and sinker. Fall for the guilt trip sob life story, and be whipped into compliance, ironically making me the type of partner they'd use as a crutch and get rid of.

 

These types would often leave them where they didn't know how to act, and would lose their minds.

 

This was just a continuation of behaviors they were exposed to since childhood.

 

I'm at a point in my life, where women who exemplify those damsel in distress behaviors, are women I'd avoid like the plague. If I can stand on my own two, you should too.

[Sarah-Sylvia]

I see that lots of people added to the thread. I'll read up on the posts at a later time, kinda distracted lately XD
It's cool that so many shared their stories and thoughts.

[Guest]

2 hours ago, failing adult said:

@Sarah-Sylvia

Okay so my grandmother was in a number of abusive relationships from the time she was 15 till she just decided to leave off relationships altogether in her 40's.

My mother was also in a number of abusive relationships from the age of 17.

I've experienced parental abuse growing up.

 

It's important to understand that abusers are good at what they do.

They can often put on fronts as the most thoughtful, loving and caring individuals at the beginning of relationships.

They endear themselves to you, and sometimes slowly alienate you from friends and family.

They make themselves an integral part of your life, they make you love them and trust them implicitly, so that when the abuse starts, you think ' oh i must have done something to deserve it' or 'this is just a one time thing they're just stressed', or any kind of variation.

No matter how strong someone is, how brave or smart, this kind of manipulation is hard to catch if your not watching, and even then it can sneak up on you.

 

As for staying in relationships?

Fear, of their partner, of what they could do to them if they found out they were leaving or planning to. Of what they could do to the people they care about. My grans husband threatened to drown their son if she went to the police. He put a brick through her parents window. He bottled one of her best friends.

 

Love, you can't condemn them for loving someone, even if its their abuser. Love is powerful, even when its bad for you. Sometimes people love someone, the relationship, the hope to return to happier times too much to risk leaving. My mum stayed with my bio dad for so long because he manipulated her into loving him in her teens and he was all she knew.

 

Security, abusers can sometimes leave you reliant on them, this is a form of abuse in of itself. They can make you emotionally, socially and financially reliant on them. Sometimes you can't leave because you have nowhere to go, no money of your own, they alienated you from friends and family, they made you quit your job or wouldn't let you work. the list is endless.

 

Please don't be so quick to say 'I would never let someone do that to me'.

Yeah my grandmother was basically told to marry the guy that offered, or get out of the house on her own. She was 15 at the time. He ended up being abusive and she nearly died because he didn't care that being a baby factory literally destroyed her body. After, she jumped into another abusive relationship. The guy said if she left, he would kill her, so she waited and got him blackout drunk and left with just the clothes on her back. 

 

She was abused from the time she was 15 though, so she never knew any better. And ended up writing off men because she just assumed they would all be abusive. She never realized you could have anything better than that. That was what she knew. And her parents kind of got her into the cycle by giving her no choice on the first one. 

 

She then kinda pushed the idea onto my mom. Who decided she would just find a man that she could control and let him do whatever on the side - cheat, lie, steal (klepto, pathological liar and serial cheater) as long as he gave her money to raise kids. Which... then gave me no role models for relationships and two very bad influences on what healthy looks like. 

 

Which lead to a lot of messed up ideas being passed down generation to generation. 

 

But, over all, all in the past and I have a fairly healthy relationship now. So all good. 

[LeChat]

On 2/21/2021 at 7:44 PM, failing adult said:

...Okay so my grandmother was in a number of abusive relationships from the time she was 15 till she just decided to leave off relationships altogether in her 40's.

My mother was also in a number of abusive relationships from the age of 17.

I've experienced parental abuse growing up....

I'm sorry that you went through all of that; thanks, for sharing. I thought your post was very important. You're right: when a child is treated that way and is in an environment where they're taught dysfunctional ways about relationships, for years, it becomes difficult to have to re-teach/re-train themselves as adults about healthy/supportive relationships, behavior, etc.

[Real Estate RICO]

Just for a personal account: I stayed in a toxic relationship because I craved the intimacy after not having it for nine years. I knew from jump she wasn't good for me at all, but I was at an extreme low point after the whole deal with a creep that lasted for far, far too long. Hell, it even started off wrong with her saying that she didn't believe me when I came out as ace to her, but I still wanted that intimacy. I wanted the closeness. I'll just go ahead and say this too: looks-wise, I dated well above my league. And yeah, there are times where I genuinely do miss those nights: I miss us both being in each other's arms. I miss seeing her face light up when I surprise her with a forehead kiss. I miss that.

 

Then.. well, these all happened:

 

just weeks after our relationship started, my ex told me that we'd make beautiful babies (yes, she was white), which made my eyes immediately bug out on reflex. Not to mention, I don't think her family would be that accepting of a biracial kid in the first place. Off-hand rant here, but as much as people uncomfortably fetishize biracial children, I'd be willing to bet that none of them would be prepared for the extra stress, backlash, and GBS that comes with raising one.

 

then she accused me of cheating

 

then she would chew me out for getting in her way when we went out shopping, also calling me a jackass one time because I went first at self-checkout over her

 

then she would freak out about her gaming rig getting dust because the panel was off, and she would even say she didn't trust me to even help her get that panel back on (which made my anxiety go through the roof; more on that later)

 

then she said the three deadliest words you could say to a recovering alcoholic

 

then she accused me of cheating again

 

then she ghosted me for a month, came back and confessed that she had cheated on me in that month, THEN tried to stealth blame me by saying she needed more than what I could have given her emotionally, sexually, and relationship-wise (and I had told her this was only the second relationship I had been in). She also said I was scared of everything + my anxiety was too much for her and she needed someone more even keeled. And she even threatened suicide too. This, by the way, was the catalyst for the Spring from hell back this time three years ago. I relapsed. I checked myself into the hospital twice. I was at a job that I hated, and the stress from both of those things boiled over. Worst yet:

Spoiler

I cut regularly during that time too. I even did it at work, on the call floor itself.

 

while doing this, she would sprinkle in things like "I don't deserve you," "you're too good for me" etc. Even that night, she admitted that at least I did care about her. Two months later, she even said "don't be so quick to throw away the best thing you ever had. You'll regret it."

 

When I reconnected with her last year, she mentioned multiple times how good I was to her, too.

 

It's really taken me three years, and a reconnection with her (not in a romantic sense, thank Rozier, although I actually considered it) to really process how much of a bad fit all of it was then, and how much it is now. Let's just say that there have been things she's said since I opened that connection back up last February that have really made me pull away from her.

 

I feel like I'm finally letting her go. Having said that, though... working from square one is going to be a pain.

[deathreads]

Manipulation from the abuser, fear of being alone or getting picked up by someone even worse, monetary needs, desire for self harm, low self-esteem, needing validation, actually believing that they deserve to be abused or should be abused, some social benefit gained by the partner....there could be many reasons. None of them are really good enough though. It's not worth it in the end. As to why females disproportionately seem to get into abusive relationships, I think this has a lot to do with how society overvalues the males as compared to the females and sexism. Most of the females I know have worse self esteem than the males. There are exceptions. And there also incredibly narcissistic, abusive females who arguably also have low self esteem since science seems to suggest that's actually where narcissism comes from. It has a lot to do with low self esteem and also being 'used' to abuse and expecting it from society, becoming brainwashed into believing that it -should- happen to them. And also that there aren't better alternatives or that they couldn't have a happy life if they tried.

[deathreads]

I also think there are females who purposefully get into abusive relationships with men (or other women) because they identify with them. I think that this is similar for gay men who seek out abuse. They identify with their abuser to the point where it makes them feel strong, like they take on their partners identity. They are a strong rapist just like them. I know this sounds fucked up ,but I had a female friend that was actually like that. She wanted to be raped because that would mean she was a strong predator like her rapist via the sexual union. It's pretty sad. 

[Liana]

I’ve sadly been in one, so I’ll try to give my two cents.

 

I think that fear, anxiety, etc play a role in keeping one from standing up for themselves against an abusive partner. Be it not breaking up when they should, letting their partner walk all over them, etc.

 

To an extent love can be blinding, making it more difficult to notice the flaws about a person and the fact that they are even being abusive.

[jkmlynch]

On 1/11/2021 at 6:32 PM, Sarah-Sylvia said:

why would someone stay in an Abusive Relationship?

I stayed in an abusive relationship (physical and verbal) for three years during my mid-twenties because I did not know who I was and did not want to put in the effort required to find another partner. Even her multiple affairs did not convince me to leave. The infidelity did not bother me, but my indifference to it did. And this indifference made her more abusive. I tried to be the person she wanted me to be to my detriment. This included me staying in law school even though I was miserable because she liked the idea of being with a lawyer. When I finally got out of law, the relationship went from terrible to godawful.

 

Enough time has passed to allow me come to peace with her actions. Realizing who I am helped too. But I remember my own failings. The way I held onto a relationship that I knew had failed was a form of abuse I inflicted upon her. I do not mean to imply that every victim of abuse is, in some way, to blame. Far from it. Most women, and men, cannot leave such a relationship due to physical violence and/or emotional battery. I could have walked away, but I did not for a long time because I was scared of myself. I remind myself of that everyday so that I always strive to be a better person.

[Sarah-Sylvia]

8 minutes ago, jkmlynch said:

I stayed in an abusive relationship (physical and verbal) for three years during my mid-twenties because I did not know who I was and did not want to put in the effort required to find another partner. Even her multiple affairs did not convince me to leave. The infidelity did not bother me, but my indifference to it did. And this indifference made her more abusive. I tried to be the person she wanted me to be to my detriment. This included me staying in law school even though I was miserable because she liked the idea of being with a lawyer. When I finally got out of law, the relationship went from terrible to godawful.

 

Enough time has passed to allow me come to peace with her actions. Realizing who I am helped too. But I remember my own failings. The way I held onto a relationship that I knew had failed was a form of abuse I inflicted upon her. I do not mean to imply that every victim of abuse is, in some way, to blame. Far from it. Most women, and men, cannot leave such a relationship due to physical violence and/or emotional battery. I could have walked away, but I did not for a long time because I was scared of myself. I remind myself of that everyday so that I always strive to be a better person.

Yeah.. that doesn't sound fun 😮
At least I'm glad if people realize and learn somewhere along the way..

[GingerRose]

I wasn't super open to saying it here before (because it can be difficult for me to talk about my trauma) but I see so many people saying well the person was scared to leave, they had low self-confidence, or they didn't have support. These reasons are the case sometimes, but another very important factor that seems alien to people who have never been in these situation is simple and complex: Love. They still love them. Through thick and thin, even if the thick is abuse and they know it. ❤️ Just wanted to finally put that publically. Thanks for making this thread Sarah-Sylvia.

[Ceebs]

2 minutes ago, GingerRose said:

These reasons are the case sometimes, but another very important factor that seems alien to people who have never been in these situation is simple and complex: Love.

Yeah, that's very true. You can love someone and it can still be a bad relationship that seems impossible to leave.

[R_1]

Sunken Cost Fallacy. Look that up.