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Why would anyone stay in an Abusive Relationship?


Sarah-Sylvia

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@oldgeezaThat is an insane experience. I'm so sorry you went through that. It's so horrible and extreme, not even allowing you all to have friends or talk to others is like keeping you in a type of prison, I don't get how that could happen, but it just goes back into making me see the bad side of humanity that's possible.. I'm glad you were able to get through it. I hope that life finds a way to show you the good you deserve.

@Abigail RoseThanks for sharing your story as well. I hope that you get to heal from it. Would you say that what kept you there was that you really wanted to keep trying to make it work? It's ok if you don't want to talk about it more, but it's just a part I'm wondering about.

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17 minutes ago, Sarah-Sylvia said:

I feel like even if there'd be threats, I'd get out and then involve the police if they do something.

I'd like to point out here that many people can't trust the police to have their best interests at heart. POC, openly queer folks, and immigrant communities know this all too well. If you can't rely on the authorities to do their job, and you don't have a strong enough personal network to rely on -- which abusers are often adept at fraying -- it can make it all that much harder to leave.

 

@Abigail Rose and @oldgeeza, thank you both for sharing your stories, and I'm so glad both of you are in better places now. 💜

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@Sarah-Sylviathank you for your comments, I am lucky enough to now have some very close friends who have been there for me even through the bad times when I went through a phase of self destruction, heavy drinking, drug taking and leading an all round bad life. Abusers do imprison their victims that's how they get away with so much.

 

You mentioned in your comment to Abigail Rose, the possibility of her trying to make her marriage work, when I was young, divorce was frowned upon, if parents were divorced, the stigma attached not just towards the parents but kids as well, in some parts of the world, divorce is still either not allowed or due to religion and such like, getting divorced ousts yourself and family from the rest of the family and in some cases, the community, there's also the issue that the abused doesn't realise that they're being abused because it just becomes a natural part of everyday life, you just accept it as normal, so you don't do anything about it, it's only when out of the situation you realise that you were abused, until recently, well over here in the UK anyway, there was nothing you could do about it, it was seen as domestic not criminal, therefore the abuser wasn't doing anything"wrong"

 

@SocialMoraysthank you for your well wishes

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5 minutes ago, oldgeeza said:

@Sarah-Sylviathank you for your comments, I am lucky enough to now have some very close friends who have been there for me even through the bad times when I went through a phase of self destruction, heavy drinking, drug taking and leading an all round bad life. Abusers do imprison their victims that's how they get away with so much.

 

You mentioned in your comment to Abigail Rose, the possibility of her trying to make her marriage work, when I was young, divorce was frowned upon, if parents were divorced, the stigma attached not just towards the parents but kids as well, in some parts of the world, divorce is still either not allowed or due to religion and such like, getting divorced ousts yourself and family from the rest of the family and in some cases, the community, there's also the issue that the abused doesn't realise that they're being abused because it just becomes a natural part of everyday life, you just accept it as normal, so you don't do anything about it, it's only when out of the situation you realise that you were abused, until recently, well over here in the UK anyway, there was nothing you could do about it, it was seen as domestic not criminal, therefore the abuser wasn't doing anything"wrong"

That's messed up. Being domestic doesn't change that it's abuse, and if it's violence it should always be treated seriously. But I realize other parts of the world and different times had it harder...
 

 

9 minutes ago, SocialMorays said:

I'd like to point out here that many people can't trust the police to have their best interests at heart. POC, openly queer folks, and immigrant communities know this all too well. If you can't rely on the authorities to do their job, and you don't have a strong enough personal network to rely on -- which abusers are often adept at fraying -- it can make it all that much harder to leave.

 

@Abigail Rose and @oldgeeza, thank you both for sharing your stories, and I'm so glad both of you are in better places now. 💜

I suppose living in Canada makes it a bit better of an environment for that. And families wouldn't be looked at badly for having divorced especially due to abuse. I mean I'm sure it still depends which part of the country.

 

But yeah I guess you could say there's that advantage here compared to whatever social pressure adds to it in other cases..

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So many reasons.

 

Some people believe abuse is normal in relationships.

 

Some people don't recognize what is happening as abuse - especially if it has built up over time.

 

Some people have been convinced that they "deserve" the abuse.

 

Some people believe they are unable to leave for financial reasons, due to children  etc.

 

Some people are afraid of being hurt or killed.

 

 

Probably many other reasons as well. 

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17 hours ago, Sarah-Sylvia said:

Sure. And I know there's some really tough cases where it doesn't seem possible without something happening. I feel like even if there'd be threats, I'd get out and then involve the police if they do something.

I really wish if things were that easy... As you said, it depends on each case, you can't say "if it was me..." because no one knows the full variables. 

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Just now, CBC said:

Yeah that's the thing about most tough situations in life... you don't truly know what you'd do until you're facing them.

Yeah it's just that saying "if it was me I wouldn't have done that" or "I would've gone out and saved myself" sounds like downplaying the risks of countless lives being stuck in an abusive environment. and really, no one can say "if it was me.." because saying is a lot easier than actually experiencing the situation. I know OP didn't mean it like that but I always found that phrasing a bit problematic.

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5 hours ago, Lin G. said:

Yeah it's just that saying "if it was me I wouldn't have done that" or "I would've gone out and saved myself" sounds like downplaying the risks of countless lives being stuck in an abusive environment. and really, no one can say "if it was me.." because saying is a lot easier than actually experiencing the situation. I know OP didn't mean it like that but I always found that phrasing a bit problematic.

Yeah I'm not downplaying anything. I know what I would do when it's an obvious case like physical violence and I'm confident in that. That doesn't mean any judgment. I experienced some emotional toxicity in relationships at the beginning of last year and it took me a while to realize what was going on and that there were many red flags I missed and stayed attached when it wasn't good for me. I'm not immune to certain things, but some things I am because of where I'm at, and I've learned some things too along the way.  When I say if it was me, and I'd get out of there, it's an assertive statement about myself, not a comment about others. And in this case to make a contrast to say this is where I'm at so it's hard for me to understand  why people stay.. etc..

I'm thankful to everyone who responded because it really helped me put things in place and use my own experience to try to make more sense of what was shared. I might also watch or read more things around this.

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4 hours ago, Sarah-Sylvia said:

it's an obvious case like physical violence

A lot of times it doesn’t start out this way.  If you’re arguing with someone while doing the dishes and they yank a plastic spatula out of your hand - as part of insisting that you stop and listen to them - and their doing that twists your wrist, is that leave-the-relationship physical violence?  Even if they stop immediately and start to cry and seem genuinely sorry?  Or was it an accident?

 

When you stand at the far end and look back, the early signs something was not right are often pretty clear.  But at the time there may be perfectly reasonable explanations and/or the transgressions may be quite small.

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I don't know if this kind of a motivation has been already mentioned, but I have a friend that's in a toxic relationship, and one of the reasons she mentions when I ask her why she keeps her relationship going is, that she feels the guy would just mentally collapse without her. The dude is heavily depressed and has self esteem on the level of Mariana Trench. That unfortunately doesn't stop him from giving her all sorts of shit, and when she calls him out on it, the guy gets super offended, passive aggressive and plays a victim.

 

She feels she'd been more of a therapist and a mom replacement to him than a girlfriend. Unfortunately, she keeps playing this role.

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Outside of my day job, I'm also a councellor which I do some evenings and weekends. Most victims stay with their abusers and never want to leave. The abusive relationships last longer from what I have seen in my clients whereas the ones without abuse are shorter (like where there is distrust or cheating). It seems as soon as a guy throws a kick or a punch, the woman is guaranteed to stay with him longer.

 

To repeatedly see my efforts in trying to help these victims achieve nothing is very disheartening to the point I have considered quitting.

 

 

 

 

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On 1/14/2021 at 4:16 PM, ryn2 said:

A lot of times it doesn’t start out this way.  If you’re arguing with someone while doing the dishes and they yank a plastic spatula out of your hand - as part of insisting that you stop and listen to them - and their doing that twists your wrist, is that leave-the-relationship physical violence?  Even if they stop immediately and start to cry and seem genuinely sorry?  Or was it an accident?

 

When you stand at the far end and look back, the early signs something was not right are often pretty clear.  But at the time there may be perfectly reasonable explanations and/or the transgressions may be quite small.

Yeah. It is easy to look from the outside in, but not so much from the inside and see. 

 

Like, threw something out of frustration and it hit you by "accident"... or just getting too close and you back up and fall moving backwards. One could be an accident, we have all seen someone throw a controller or something right ? And the other maybe they didn't realize they got that close, it isnt their fault you fell....

 

It isn't always as clear cut as being punched in the face. I have a pretty much permanent injury to my back from falling because my ex used his body posture to make me instinctively retreat into something and I fell and damaged something. His excuse was I got too close to him, so he flexed to make me back away and it wasn't his fault I fell. If I think back on it reasonably, what I fell on was about 12ft from where he claimed to be standing so his version doesn't line up. I am pretty sure I was standing kinda middle of the room and he advanced aggressively so I stepped away by reflex and we had a baby gate up that I stepped into. But, like, after years of gaslighting you question your own memory of events and some things its like well I never got hit, so it can't be abuse, right ? .... at the time the excuses sound reasonable enough 

 

What ended up snapping me out of the fog of brainwashing was actually him trying to get my phone out from under me to break it because I "disrespected him" (I think I played a game on my phone while he was talking or something) and I actually snapped and punched him to get him off me. Like had just had enough and wasn't putting up with it anymore. And... I am a super non-violent person. So, I didn't want to lose myself in whatever toxicity he was trying to shape me around. I was fantasizing violence and actually hurt someone. Totally not me (I try to avoid even killing flies and mosquitoes if I can) and I didn't like it at all. If I had stayed, I likely would have snapped and done something more serious one day. So I drove 18 hours in an old half broken car with all my stuff and my pets, never really having driven before, going through massive traffic in big cities and scaring myself, hoping my money would last for gas to get to my family. And... it was not fun. But, I made it. Got a new career. New wife. Dont have to put up with any of that garbage anymore. 

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19 hours ago, Serran said:

Yeah. It is easy to look from the outside in, but not so much from the inside and see. 

 

Like, threw something out of frustration and it hit you by "accident"... or just getting too close and you back up and fall moving backwards. One could be an accident, we have all seen someone throw a controller or something right ? And the other maybe they didn't realize they got that close, it isnt their fault you fell....

 

It isn't always as clear cut as being punched in the face. I have a pretty much permanent injury to my back from falling because my ex used his body posture to make me instinctively retreat into something and I fell and damaged something. His excuse was I got too close to him, so he flexed to make me back away and it wasn't his fault I fell. If I think back on it reasonably, what I fell on was about 12ft from where he claimed to be standing so his version doesn't line up. I am pretty sure I was standing kinda middle of the room and he advanced aggressively so I stepped away by reflex and we had a baby gate up that I stepped into. But, like, after years of gaslighting you question your own memory of events and some things its like well I never got hit, so it can't be abuse, right ? .... at the time the excuses sound reasonable enough 

 

What ended up snapping me out of the fog of brainwashing was actually him trying to get my phone out from under me to break it because I "disrespected him" (I think I played a game on my phone while he was talking or something) and I actually snapped and punched him to get him off me. Like had just had enough and wasn't putting up with it anymore. And... I am a super non-violent person. So, I didn't want to lose myself in whatever toxicity he was trying to shape me around. I was fantasizing violence and actually hurt someone. Totally not me (I try to avoid even killing flies and mosquitoes if I can) and I didn't like it at all. If I had stayed, I likely would have snapped and done something more serious one day. So I drove 18 hours in an old half broken car with all my stuff and my pets, never really having driven before, going through massive traffic in big cities and scaring myself, hoping my money would last for gas to get to my family. And... it was not fun. But, I made it. Got a new career. New wife. Dont have to put up with any of that garbage anymore. 

Why is it not until now I learn of this? 

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15 hours ago, Halffull said:

Why is it not until now I learn of this? 

Probably cause I didn't talk about it during and don't see a point in mentioning it except in this context now its over. You know I drove down, cause I was in Skype groups during! But yeah. I have a few permanent injuries, including a scar where my hand was ripped open between the pinky and ring finger. And then the mental scars from non-consensual stuff for like 5 years. *shrug* I just don't see much point in dwelling on the past. 

 

After it turned physical and my no was no longer listened to, to stay on topic, I did know I should leave. Just by then I had no money, my family was hundreds of miles away and didn't have much themselves, he had "accidentally" broken my car and I wasn't allowed to work. Financial abuse is a big reason many people stay. My grandmother left with nothing to be homeless and sold her body to escape her abusive husband when he threatened to kill her. I knew what escaping into the streets looked like from her stories. I didn't have the stomach to attempt it myself. And I didn't want to force my mom to not pay her own bills to bail me out. So, I waited til I had an opportunity.

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  • 2 weeks later...
On 1/11/2021 at 7:32 PM, Sarah-Sylvia said:

This is something I've been wondering about for a long time, and I didn't want to derail another thread, so I'm making this one specifically to know people's opinions around this. I would never stay with someone physically abusive, I'd be gone very fast. But there's some people, especially women, who stay in one even though their partner abuses them. The question isn't limited just to physical abuse, but the physical kind is easier to see and probably talk about.

So, like the title asked, why would someone stay in an Abusive Relationship?

 

Why don't you enter into an abusive relationship and find out for yourself??? 🙂 Perfect way to learn is by experience and some things should be experienced at least once

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38 minutes ago, Nylocke said:

 

Why don't you enter into an abusive relationship and find out for yourself??? 🙂 Perfect way to learn is by experience and some things should be experienced at least once

Oof.
I've already experienced toxicity. Like I said, I'd get out of there if it's abusive, I don't tolerate that stuff when relationships are supposed to be about love.

 

So yeah, no.

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On 1/11/2021 at 7:32 PM, Sarah-Sylvia said:

I'd be gone very fast.

People who are abusive, usually pick vulnerable partners that will subject themselves to their abuse.

 

A low self-esteem, issues in general, essentially making them highly vulnerable to such partners.

 

Love is blind. They won't start outright hitting you. They'll start by stripping someone's confidence away, piece by piece. Rebuilding, destroying, rinse and repeat.

 

Its like drowning, yet being oblivious you're in water.

 

"Control their minds, you control their bodies".

 

Fear is a crazy thing.

 

I was with a partner who was bi-polar. I was already too deep into the water, when she'd start threatening to kill herself if I mentioned some of her behavior.

 

I'm incredibly logical, but she had removed my feet. My legs. I was stuck.

 

I remember she put a knife to her neck when I first had voiced my concerns, and threatened to kill herself (again). Teary apologies, begging me not to leave afterwards.

 

Her childhood of abuse, whipping me into compliance. She was a victim, right?

 

She saw all my weaknesses, sharpened them, and used them against me. Master manipulator. I was naive. She had later admitted having read the Law of Attraction and mastered the lessons. I didn't stand a chance.

 

Fast forward a few years, I now have regained confidence in myself, and boldly call her out, threaten to walk away if she doesn't get help, and she attempts suicide before my eyes with a butcher knife. I'll leave details out.

 

Lets just say my speedy reaction, my knowledge of first aid and rushing her to the hospital, are the main reason she didn't bleed out.

 

I had hours of waiting angry at the hospital, and had even rehearsed my breakup speech. I was done.

 

Of course, yet another teary apology, empty promises (per usual). The trust was gone, but that's irrelevant--I took her back.

 

I can't even remotely explain why I tolerated the threats. Her hitting me. Everything.

 

I think the OP is asking the wrong question.

 

The true question should be why are abusive relationships so difficult to get out of. Nobody in their right mind wants to remain in such a setting.

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@PerspektivI appreciate your share.
For me the question is still the same as the title, but it can definitely expand and I'm curious about why it's hard for those that do want to get out. It's just there's also those that seem to not even think about getting out. But I think it goes back to the low self esteem, they don't respect themselves enough to think that they don't deserve that. I think it's just messed up that something that's supposed to be about love can involve hurting the other person 😕
Emotional manipulation is definitely messed up anyway.

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4 minutes ago, Sarah-Sylvia said:

they don't respect themselves enough to think that they don't deserve that

Its deeper than that.

 

I knew I didn't deserve that, but I also loved her.

 

I had an abusive father growing up, who I still remember when I was around 5-6 years old--lifted me by the neck, and pretended to try to throw me over his high rise apartment's balcony. He clearly didn't want me, and didn't hide it in the slightest way.

 

You tend to fall hardest for partners, who remind you of those you looked most up to, who disappointed you the most.

 

She was exactly like my father, fully disarming me. Part of you hates them, but part of you hates yourself for loving them.

 

Abuse isn't as easy as just walking out. People who cast the web of abuse, do so at such levels, that they not only remove your confidence, and gaslight you into questioning your own best instincts, but they also remove all of your surroundings and literally leave you with no outside sources of reason to defend yourself.

 

You're like if bounded by a boa constrictor, with nowhere to go.

 

Best way to describe it, is the Panopticon jail experiment. Where a concept for a prison was essentially the jail cells surrounding the observation tower. No bars.

 

Knowing you're being watched, will curb your behavior, tenfold.

 

Same reason many banks will have a monitor on their ceilings when you walk in. Knowing your being watched, has a way of manipulating your behavior.

 

An abusive relationship is no different.

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As I understand it, people who stay in abusive relationships usually grew up in an abusive household.  Love is entangled with abuse in their minds.  And this isn't something that only affects the unfortunates who were greatly abused.  My dad was very extroverted, charming, and optimistic, but he was uncomfortable around negative emotions and avoided conflict at all costs.  My sister keeps getting together with charming, extroverted men, then breaking up with them because they avoid conflict and don't know how to deal with her mood swings.  I don't think it's chance that she is so attracted to them.  Alain de Botton explains it fantastically:

 

 

At around 12:16 he covers this best, although the entire talk is great.

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They call it a cycle of abuse for a reason.

 

It was so traumatic for me, that I would up seeking counseling and was afraid to enter another relationship for years due to it.

 

I knew I had made huge strides when the women I was dating, started becoming less like my father who was abusive, and more like my mother, who was loving and nurturing. 

 

I avoided relationships or getting close to any, but saw the switch.

 

Breaking the cycle is one of the most difficult things you will do, as you're programmed from childhood to deal with things a certain way. 

 

Someone who masters this handicap of yours, will use it against you until you find a way to see it and address it. To face those very demons.

 

Its hard to look at oneself in the mirror, when it's easier to point the finger at the long line of abusive partners you were subjected to.

 

For me, one was enough to make me determined I wasn't ever experiencing toxicity in a relationship, again.

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On 1/30/2021 at 10:44 AM, Sarah-Sylvia said:

Oof.
I've already experienced toxicity. Like I said, I'd get out of there if it's abusive, I don't tolerate that stuff when relationships are supposed to be about love.

 

So yeah, no.

 

Yea I was gonna say, I did find out the hard way as well. A year's worth of toxicity meant I was literally trauma bonded so I have a long way to go back to normalcy if such a thing is even possible at this point

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On 15/01/2021 at 10:39 AM, Lipbalm said:

Outside of my day job, I'm also a councellor which I do some evenings and weekends. Most victims stay with their abusers and never want to leave. The abusive relationships last longer from what I have seen in my clients whereas the ones without abuse are shorter (like where there is distrust or cheating). It seems as soon as a guy throws a kick or a punch, the woman is guaranteed to stay with him longer.

 

To repeatedly see my efforts in trying to help these victims achieve nothing is very disheartening to the point I have considered quitting.

It's not your lack of effort. 

 

Its the situation they find themselves in. 

 

Whether its a beat down, gaslighting or simply manipulating them emotionally, they can usually convince their partner of anything.

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  • 3 weeks later...
On 2/1/2021 at 9:11 PM, Perspektiv said:

It's not your lack of effort. 

 

Its the situation they find themselves in. 

 

Whether its a beat down, gaslighting or simply manipulating them emotionally, they can usually convince their partner of anything.

I agree, its not my lack of effort and I am actually stopping my volunteering at the end of March. I did it for 5 and a half years and I'm now convinced that some women do enjoy the attention and the drama. I would try and help them find shelters, arrange help and then they would go all silent on me and they've gone back to their abusers.

 

I've felt like an idiot when I have called and got a shelter manager on the phone late at night to get her to consider accepting an urgent case, she gets a taxi to the shelter to receive and introduce the new person to the night team, and the victim just does not turn up and she's back with her abuser.

 

Whatever the psychology and such, in which I am no expert, I'm going to do other volunteering where I could make a difference.

 

 

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Nea Rose Symphony

I've been in a couple of them, thankfully never physical abuse. Common reason for staying is that breakups and facing reality are tough to do when you're still in the middle of happy feelings of the relationship. Even the most abusive relationship starts off bubbly and cheerful, if not the relationship wouldn't have started in the first place. The person who sticks with a souring partner does so because they still see them as the same sweet person in the beginning, and will miss the partner if they're gone

 

In the start of dating, your mind is filled with hormones akin to someone on drugs + you play up the positive qualities of the person and downplay the negative. It's easy to ignore red flags at first until it's too late

 

Another factor is if the person grew up in an abusive situation at home. If someone had an abusive parent, sibling, etc it feels normal to them, something they seek out to find a sense of familiarity in adulthood. It's a theme I read in a book about dealing with abusive parents as an adult

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5 hours ago, Lipbalm said:

I'm now convinced that some women do enjoy the attention and the drama. 

Not sure I would use the word enjoy for most, as many in abusive relationships are simply continuing a cycle of abuse they have experienced since childhood. They know no better.

 

My ex wife has been in several relationships where she was beaten daily. This continued a pattern of her father molesting her as a child, and her mother beating her daily, often bloody for being "so stupid".

 

This is all she knew.

 

It became her cycle. Treat her good, she became the abuser. Abuse her, she was submissive and would follow your orders.

 

I refused to strike or even yell at my partner, so was often called a p***y for my refusal to engage (but towards the end of the relationship, I would slam doors and insult her which was me out of character). She saw me as weak, and didn't mince her words about it.

 

She masterfully pushed my buttons, and mercifully for me, I have control over myself. I take walks when about to blow a gasket. She would try to shove me and instigate, hence me storming out and slamming a door before things would get real.

 

This is the toxicity she thrived in.

 

We fought every week. Daily, it seemed.

 

She loved it. My health took a sharp decline as I am not built for constant conflict. 

 

I needed it to stop, so I stopped talking back whenever she insulted me. Just grew insanely resentful, but at least we didn't fight for a record month or two. Hard to fight if its one sided.

 

She questioned my manhood, to questioning my sexuality but emotionally, I was done. 

 

She had this warped view of love. If you were fighting back, it meant you loved her.

 

I struggled to leave her as she had forced a co-dependence between us. She had no job, and masterfully guilt tripped me into supporting her and her family. 

 

Leaving was incredibly hard. 

 

She then went back to the exact type of men who would beat and cheat on her. She never for one day accepted that she deserved to be treated with kindness, due to her childhood. 

 

She felt she was garbage, and anyone showing her kindness, was weak and prime to be taken advantage of for being stupid enough to be kind.

 

I don't think she enjoyed the pain she subjected herself to. She just didn't know what love was supposed to feel like. 

 

Its like taking an addict to a rehab clinic when they aren't ready to get help. You're wasting your time.

 

The abuse is the tip of the iceberg. You're dealing with issues attached to their roots. Their soul, that have to be addressed before a cycle can be broken.

 

In my ex's case, this meant getting help for the molestation or rather the damage I don't think one can truly fix, as it left her disgusted at her body.

 

Treatment for her bipolar disorder. Both were her looking in the mirror, which is incredibly difficult for some.

 

For me it was doing what you are about to do. In trying to do the right thing, one must accept that you just can't fix people. They need to know they need help. 

 

Just easier to go back to what you're comfortable with, than the highly traumatic aspect of leaving a person you know threatened to kill you and your kids if you ever did. 

 

They tearfully apologized and promised it would never happen again after all, right?

 

Sounds crazy, but even I took back that ex after giving ultimatum after ultimatum.

 

Hard to stand strong when your confidence had been systematically chiseled away.

 

My only saving grace, is I had a supportive and loving mother.

 

I knew for sure that this marriage wasn't love but took me a while to shake off the web of self doubt that I had been put into. Gaslighting is mighty powerful. Look how Trump genuinely had a half a country believe he was robbed of a victory.

 

Imagine being both in love and afraid of that person to boot.

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 @Perspektiv  my view is not something which a lot of people will agree with and I have come across the factors in my training.

But after my experience of councelling and seeing the outcomes from my councelling sessions as well as that of colleagues, sorry, but I'll stick to the view that I have written. 

Sorry if this comes across wrongly, I'm entitled to hold views based on what I have seen again and again.

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