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Why would anyone stay in an Abusive Relationship?


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Sarah-Sylvia

This is something I've been wondering about for a long time, and I didn't want to derail another thread, so I'm making this one specifically to know people's opinions around this. I would never stay with someone physically abusive, I'd be gone very fast. But there's some people, especially women, who stay in one even though their partner abuses them. The question isn't limited just to physical abuse, but the physical kind is easier to see and probably talk about.

So, like the title asked, why would someone stay in an Abusive Relationship?

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Fear, threats, feeling like you can't escape the situation, lack of funds or a safe place to be...there are a lot of reasons.

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thylacine
9 minutes ago, Sarah-Sylvia said:

This is something I've been wondering about for a long time, and I didn't want to derail another thread, so I'm making this one specifically to know people's opinions around this. I would never stay with someone physically abusive, I'd be gone very fast. But there's some people, especially women, who stay in one even though their partner abuses them. The question isn't limited just to physical abuse, but the physical kind is easier to see and probably talk about.

So, like the title asked, why would someone stay in an Abusive Relationship?

I've been wondering about this one for a long time.  I dunno...  I have several friends and relatives who stay in abusive relationships and they seem to be totally in denial that anything is wrong.  I don't get it.  When you find out, let me know.

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Sarah-Sylvia
1 minute ago, thylacine said:

I've been wondering about this one for a long time.  I dunno...  I have several friends and relatives who stay in abusive relationships and they seem to be totally in denial that anything is wrong.  I don't get it.  When you find out, let me know.

That's especially the kind I'm wondering about. Because it seems like in a lot of cases they're willingly staying in it, not just out of threats... though of course that kind exists as well.

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AspieAlly613

Well, something drew xem into starting a relationship with xyr eventual abuser to begin with.  Those reasons don't just go away because of the abuse.

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There’s a YouTuber called TheraminTrees who covers the methods of abuse and how they force people to stay in abusive situations, mostly in the context of narcissists and religious cults as they have personal experience in that area, but there’s a bunch of stuff on narcissistic double binds, infantilisation, sunk cost fallacy, imaginary defects, etc. which would very much relate to this topic.

 

Particularly their piece on why people join cults is particularly compelling, because it shows us that our belief that we wouldn’t fall for such a thing can be one of the worst hurdles in trying to escape indoctrination early on. This can apply to abusive relationships too, since people don’t want to believe their partner could be abusive they overlook the early signs of abuse building up, and slowly but surely they get pulled in. 

 

Another recommendation is the book “Why Does He Do That? An insight into angry and controlling men” as it covers emotional and physical abuse by males on females (heads up author is a touch on the sexist side about it but they’ve spent years of their life helping female victims of male abuse which has resulted in an unintentional bias). It covers the lies spread by media on why abusers hurt their victims, and looks into the real techniques used by abusers.

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Comrade Jade Cross

In the case of hetero couples

 

 

For women:

 

1) Some still genuinely believe in the prince charming troupe so the first guy that so much as hints at being charismatic, ambitious and that he will sweep her off her feet and make all her dreams come true, that's who they will swear undying love to, even if it turns out the guy is an asshole.

 

This is usually how predators work. One such case in my family currently and I asked myself why all the women stood there and did nothing while the guy was clearly threatening but would talk all kinds of shit later on, yet would also stop anyone who tried to intervene.

 

2) Financial dependency. No I'm not calling women gold diggers. Some are coerced or traped into a situation they can't get out of so they bear it.

 

3) Sembleces of unity is an especially dangerous one, even moreso when kids are part of the equation.

 

4) Fear, plain and simple. Keeps people in check and in abuse.

 

For men:

 

1) Desperation. This is especially true in people with low self-esteem. They think they will never find anyone else so they stay

 

2) Social pressure. Because try and find how many men will admit to being abused that won't become the instant laughing stock of his immediate surroundings and then the net. 

 

3) Not sure what the male version of the prince charming troupe name is but yea, there are guys who also believe in blind fairy tale love. Those are usually branded immature so you can see how they would run into any relationship, even an abusive one

 

Note, this can also be applied to same sex couples

 

 

 

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Marinette Agreste

Threats, fear, thinking they can change the person, dont want to admit they are in a bad situation, been manipulated to think theres nothing wrong, they might not even know they are in a bad situation.

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Neon Green Packing Peanut
39 minutes ago, thylacine said:

I've been wondering about this one for a long time.  I dunno...  I have several friends and relatives who stay in abusive relationships and they seem to be totally in denial that anything is wrong.  I don't get it.  When you find out, let me know.

I would like to emphasize that the very little I know on this topic comes from researching a different topic.

 

It can come from a combination of amatonormativity and gaslighting, as well as other methods of emotional abuse. The abuser convinces the other person, even against their better judgement, that it's normal, or they deserve it, or its actually showing love. There can also be other factors, such as not having a way to leave, or being scared of what could happen.

 

There is also a logical fallacy called the sunk cost effect, where the longer someone is invested in something, the more likely they will to be to want to leave, no matter how bad it is. So if a relationship becomes toxic after some time, it is harder and harder to leave.

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Eutierria
36 minutes ago, Sarah-Sylvia said:

This is something I've been wondering about for a long time, and I didn't want to derail another thread, so I'm making this one specifically to know people's opinions around this. I would never stay with someone physically abusive, I'd be gone very fast. But there's some people, especially women, who stay in one even though their partner abuses them. The question isn't limited just to physical abuse, but the physical kind is easier to see and probably talk about.

So, like the title asked, why would someone stay in an Abusive Relationship?

Some people might not realise they're in one (especially if they're quite niave or it's their first relationship). Others may be financially controlled by their partner and/or have children or other family/friends which the abusive partner has threatened to harm. I have been in awe of women who have gone through the hell of hell, to stand on a platform to tell their horrific stories so that others can recognise what can be considered as abuse & as a beacon of hope that they can get out too no matter how bleak their life seems in the moment. 

 

During a global pandemic, many are trapped with their abuser & it is difficult to identify when we can't see what's happening behind closed doors. 

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Sarah-Sylvia
21 minutes ago, Eutierria said:

Some people might not realise they're in one (especially if they're quite niave or it's their first relationship). Others may be financially controlled by their partner and/or have children or other family/friends which the abusive partner has threatened to harm. I have been in awe of women who have gone through the hell of hell, to stand on a platform to tell their horrific stories so that others can recognise what can be considered as abuse & as a beacon of hope that they can get out too no matter how bleak their life seems in the moment. 

 

During a global pandemic, many are trapped with their abuser & it is difficult to identify when we can't see what's happening behind closed doors. 

You mentioned stories, and I'm wondering if there's any videos you watched that had any of them or something around this?
I might check out the youtuber @Lichleymentioned if it has some good info.

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Sean_Bird

Sometimes they're eased into it, sometimes the abuser does the classic thing of following up the abuse with exorbitant amounts of praise/gifts, sometimes the person doesn't realize it's abuse (especially emotional), sometimes the abused is financially dependent on the abuser... sometimes, as cliche sayings go, love makes people act irrational and put up with things they shouldn't.

 

For me, I was in a relationship with someone with severe mental issues (that devolved into basically paranoid schizophrenia) and there were some things that, although unintentional, could be seen as abusive, and were hellish for me. In my case, I had the classic love sick situation, where I loved him so much I was willing to risk my life to be with him. He was so detached from reality at one point, I remember thinking that it was entirely possible he might kill me; but I still went along with it, staying with him regardless of the danger, because I loved him. I was suicidal at the time and very dependent on him for emotional support, which added to the situation.

 

Also; when people are stuck in a situation for long enough, they tend to normalize abusive behaviors. I've noticed with older people in abusive relationships, it's been going on for so long, they just shrug and say "eh, that's the way it is", and some are afraid to leave because they don't want to be alone (they think they'll never find anyone else at their age). They'll put up with the abusive parts because, to them, the good outweighs the bad. Older generations also have the problem that they lack self awareness to what's toxic behavior; so I've seen a lot of abusive marriages where the abuse goes both ways, and they're just doing behaviors they were taught or picked up on growing up, without realizing why that's bad. (women giving men shit when they try to express their emotions in healthy ways, men resorting to controlling tactics to keep women from leaving them, etc.) They just constantly gaslight each other and keep the cycle of abuse going.

 

Making divorce legal and easy to get has caused a lot of that to decline, though, which is great. :D When people are in abusive relationships, it's gotten easier over the years for people to leave those relationships and get help, which is awesome.

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SocialMorays

To add to the many other reasons others have elucidated, my impression is that abusers are often drawn to people with low self-esteem. Because of that, the abuser is often able to manipulate their partner into believing any or all of the following:

  • the abuse isn't that bad and they're overreacting
  • they deserve the abuse
  • by pushing back, they caused the abuser to snap and are therefore to blame ("look what you made me do")
  • they should feel lucky to have a partner at all, and don't have a chance of finding anyone else

It's very easy for people to tell themselves that they would never fall prey to an abuser, and that they would leave a relationship the second it got abusive. But the reality is so much more complex, and the spectrum between common problematic behaviors and outright abuse doesn't contain a clearly drawn line.

 

While the following is not equivalent to an abusive relationship, when I was a teenager I stayed in a friendship for months with a guy who sexually harassed me, routinely crossed boundaries, and who sometimes frightened me with his rage. His sexual comments made me squirmingly uncomfortable, and his mood swings exhausted me and sent me into fits of despair. I began to dread the time I spent with him.

 

In spite of all that, I did not leave the friendship for some time. Partly, I was naive and didn't think of the behavior as sexual harassment until much later -- at the time, I lived in denial and tried to brush it off whenever it happened. I had incredibly low self-esteem, didn't know how to stand up for myself, and didn't even think that I might deserve any better from a friend. Partly, too, I was afraid; afraid he would hurt himself if I exited his life, afraid that I wouldn't be able to find new friends, afraid that leaving would make me a bad person who abandoned someone in need.

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Because yeah, you fell for them for some reason in the first place. Because along with the bad, the person gives you bits of 'good' here and there as well; there are highs to go with the lows. Because you have memories with them and you're afraid to let all that go. Because you made a commitment. Because you truly love them, or at least think you do. Because you think there's got to be a way to fix it. Because you think they're you're only chance at someone wanting you. Because you're confused about reality and perhaps you believe things they say. You think it's your fault, so if you're just 'better', it'll be fine.

 

Those were my reasons. Others have other reasons. Being afraid of being hurt even more somehow if they try to leave. Being afraid of being hurt after leaving. Maybe they have kids together. Financial dependence. Perhaps they'd be homeless. All sorts of things.

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It's a gradual process generally that warps someone's mind so they don't grasp how bad a situation is until they're out of it - if they get out of it. Also, if they faced abuse as kids, by their own parents/stepparents/guardians, they're more likely to wind up in abusive relationships because their minds have been warped. It's basically a psychological issue, not so much a logical one. Some people started out really nice, and the person just wants to go back to those times, and really tries to be loyal through hard times and work to get them back to being the way they were at the start. Love can make people do stupid shit and withstand and put up with shit that no one should be dealing with.

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Eutierria
50 minutes ago, Sarah-Sylvia said:

You mentioned stories, and I'm wondering if there's any videos you watched that had any of them or something around this?

I attended a closed conference (not sure if that's the right name) where these women shared their experiences to a small audience. It is not my story to tell & especially not on a semi-public platform. If you Google 'Breaking the Silence', 'Survivors of Domestic Abuse', 'Women's Aid' or type in what you're specifically looking for, you should be able to come across similar.

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1 hour ago, Karret said:

they don't grasp how bad a situation is until they're out of it

Yeah I know that one. And my situation wasn't nearly as awful as things some people have endured, not even close, but it was still hellish at times.

 

I was desperate to hang onto something I really believed in, and I was beyond confused about what was normal to feel or think or want or need. I had mental pep talks with myself about how I could endure the parts that sucked and hurt because that meant I got the good ones too and having those was better than nothing. I learnt how to shut up and be calm and hardly ever respond too emotionally myself, and cry later. I didn't know it wasn't normal to have the same arguments over and over and over again for months, one day it's fine and the next it's not. I didn't know you shouldn't have to beg repeatedly for forgiveness for the things you didn't do perfectly or for things you didn't even do at all. I thought it was ok to sometimes hear 'I hate you' and to be screamed at. All I knew was I rubbish. And any type of behaviour seemed potentially fine since it's true that I wasn't absolutely perfect.

 

Even though it'd always been messy, I didn't really think it was abusive. Although at one point I joined a couple subreddits about emotional abuse and gaslighting. I should've listened to my intuition. But then things got better. They were mostly great for a bit, lots of highs. Then worse again. Only at the very end did I realise how absolutely fucked up it was and start feeling truly angry. Still, I wasn't even the one who ended it.

 

I didn't properly 'get' that it was abusive until I'd had many conversations with my current partner about it, going over and over the same things and needing reassurance from him. Now I have no idea why I would've wasted even five minutes of my time on that stupid situation, but I'm aware I didn't see it that way at the time.

 

 

Also I have a real problem with people who think same-sex relationships can't ever be as fucked-up as toxic opposite-sex ones.

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2 hours ago, Sarah-Sylvia said:

This is something I've been wondering about for a long time, and I didn't want to derail another thread, so I'm making this one specifically to know people's opinions around this. I would never stay with someone physically abusive, I'd be gone very fast. But there's some people, especially women, who stay in one even though their partner abuses them. The question isn't limited just to physical abuse, but the physical kind is easier to see and probably talk about.

So, like the title asked, why would someone stay in an Abusive Relationship?

You generally always start out saying you'd leave, but you really don't know until you get into it. 

 

For me, I got with a guy who claimed to be sweet, buddhist non-violent and all these other things. He lived the talk, until I moved in with him - supported me having friends, supported me going to school to finish my degree, knew I was friends with an ex. Everything checked out as OK. 

 

Then... when I moved in suddenly his friend really needed a car and since we had two and it was easy to share, he wanted to give his friend his since it would really help him out. Seemed legit, so OK. Then we needed to move for his job, so away from family. Then, that guy is flirting, that's not respectful. Then, you posting on this guys page is crossing boundaries, don't do that. It became a very slow and gradual process of isolation and loss of independence with just a tiny bit of anger and everything just progressed slowly - and there was always a convincing reason it was my fault. He even had people to back up how sweet and good he was, so obviously I did something, right? 

 

Basically - it was study the prey, find out what they like, pretend to be that until you feel you have them hooked and then slowly turn it into a power game where they feel like they are in the wrong. Then, only when they are sufficiently brain washed and isolated to the point they don't know if the sky is blue or not ... then the actual abuse can begin. 

 

I swear it has to be some sort of manipulative game to some of them, with the time and attention to detail they put into getting it right. 

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Sherlocks
2 hours ago, Sarah-Sylvia said:

This is something I've been wondering about for a long time, and I didn't want to derail another thread, so I'm making this one specifically to know people's opinions around this. I would never stay with someone physically abusive, I'd be gone very fast. But there's some people, especially women, who stay in one even though their partner abuses them. The question isn't limited just to physical abuse, but the physical kind is easier to see and probably talk about.

So, like the title asked, why would someone stay in an Abusive Relationship?

A.It is dangerous to leave since they will be harmed for leaving 

B.The person is that persons means of living/Child to parent/Partner to more finacially stable partner 

C.Person use to be a good person, and somewhere along the line something happened which made them become more abusive and self centered 

D.Loyolty 

E.Abuser is using Emotional blackmail to keep the person in line 

F.Person has child/pet they will not be able to keep/protect otherwise 

G.Abuser has cut off persons access to any means of escaping by isolating them so they are entirely in the abusers control 

H.Victem feels guilty becuase the person is a loved one/parent like for example if its your Husband/wife or BF/GF or Mother/Father/caretaker

I.Victem has bad self esteem and believes they deserve it 

 

Now I can go into an explanation of the whole honey moon process and how abusers trap, abuse, and trick their victims but I do not feel like writing 3 pages on the process. So here is a list version of the reason for why victims stay. Just know its not as simple as... LEAVING in a lot of the cases. Now some people are dumb and choose to stay when they are given an escape but you might chalk this to "Learned helplessness". However, a truly strong minded person will seek escape if given the chance but a lot of times if the abuser is smart they will block off the victims escape route so even if they are hopeful trying to get out of the situation might be next to impossible. As someone from such a situation, I always looked for an escape and finally left but know that I was punished and had a lot of emotional damage done because of it. There are consequences for everything but I encourage all victim's to fight even if escape means death, its better than being a slave and if opportunity comes knocking at the door OPEN THE DAMN DOOR AND LEAVE! Do not be a fool and stay. 

 

My abusers were my parents and so you know they already had a lot of control as it was. They kind of throw all the responsibility's on me as a child, while depriving me of any of the resources I needed to succeed as an adult. Such as help learning to drive, getting a job, helping with college. Since I was basically raised as a slave to serve my parents and be their abuse victims when they were having a bad day. Though you can only kick a dog so many times before it tries to escape or bites you. I am just a worthless stray now. 

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Sarah-Sylvia

I have to say that reading the posts up to now was actually enlightening. Since there's a lot around this stuff that I haven't really understood. And it's in some ways may be worse than I thought when it comes to what's gone on.
 

1 hour ago, Sean_Bird said:

Sometimes they're eased into it, sometimes the abuser does the classic thing of following up the abuse with exorbitant amounts of praise/gifts, sometimes the person doesn't realize it's abuse (especially emotional), sometimes the abused is financially dependent on the abuser... sometimes, as cliche sayings go, love makes people act irrational and put up with things they shouldn't.

 

For me, I was in a relationship with someone with severe mental issues (that devolved into basically paranoid schizophrenia) and there were some things that, although unintentional, could be seen as abusive, and were hellish for me. In my case, I had the classic love sick situation, where I loved him so much I was willing to risk my life to be with him. He was so detached from reality at one point, I remember thinking that it was entirely possible he might kill me; but I still went along with it, staying with him regardless of the danger, because I loved him. I was suicidal at the time and very dependent on him for emotional support, which added to the situation.

 

Also; when people are stuck in a situation for long enough, they tend to normalize abusive behaviors. I've noticed with older people in abusive relationships, it's been going on for so long, they just shrug and say "eh, that's the way it is", and some are afraid to leave because they don't want to be alone (they think they'll never find anyone else at their age). They'll put up with the abusive parts because, to them, the good outweighs the bad. Older generations also have the problem that they lack self awareness to what's toxic behavior; so I've seen a lot of abusive marriages where the abuse goes both ways, and they're just doing behaviors they were taught or picked up on growing up, without realizing why that's bad. (women giving men shit when they try to express their emotions in healthy ways, men resorting to controlling tactics to keep women from leaving them, etc.) They just constantly gaslight each other and keep the cycle of abuse going.

 

Making divorce legal and easy to get has caused a lot of that to decline, though, which is great. :D When people are in abusive relationships, it's gotten easier over the years for people to leave those relationships and get help, which is awesome.

It's a really good point that many are probably eased into it and may not realize what's abuse. Though I'd say if it does get violent then it's much easier to see. And also when you mention mental health issues that puts a lot into place, when you consider how complicated human issues can get into the mix, and some probably depend on a partner. I'm sorry you went through that, though I'm sure you learned a lot.

So, people can really think the good outweighs the bad even though it can be very toxic? That's not good XD But I do understand that to some degree, and you're right I sometimes forget a lot of people experience some forms of abuse when growing up too and don't always realize how bad it was and not worth ever having again...

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PrimeJelly
5 hours ago, Sarah-Sylvia said:

So, like the title asked, why would someone stay in an Abusive Relationship?

For my mom she stayed with my dad when I was little because she says that her raising 5 kids on her own would be hard to do. She barely knew English when moving to America but still worked her ass off to provide for my family while my dad left and cheated on her in his home country leaving her with the kids for 2 years so basically her entire claim of staying with him became invalid. He took her money and left to cheat but she cried and constantly begged for him to come back. Now all the kids are grown up but all she says is that she loves him even if he doesn't so she will stay with him cuz of that but idk that just doesn't make sense at all to me either.

 

(TMI but like my oldest sister told me that apparently my mom only wanted him back after he left qhen I was little cuz she wanted to keep having sex with him 😑 but like she also claimed that whenever she had sex with him, he didn't do a good job at all so like ok wtf make up ur mind bish 🙃 my parents have such a floppy history of hypocrisy and idk weirdness?? And the shit part is, is that I still am living with them 😶😶😶😶😶 yay I love the constant drama... 🙄😒

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8 hours ago, Sarah-Sylvia said:

So, people can really think the good outweighs the bad even though it can be very toxic? That's not good XD

They can when they feel like no one else will want them, or when they actually love the person who's being abusive.

 

And in some cases, ending the relationship presents other new problems that are also stressful and unpleasant.

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Kieran :)
11 hours ago, Sarah-Sylvia said:

So, like the title asked, why would someone stay in an Abusive Relationship?

Someone has proven dominance over you via physical abuse you fear them so you repress and convince yourself your not abused. You live in fear of your partner so you can never leave them. It's sad, but true.

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I think the biggest reason is fear. There's no telling how the abuser would react if they try to break up with them. I remember working at a dollar store in my hometown, and a group of women came in asking for some boxes. This happened regularly, so I didn't think much of it, but one of the women explained to me that they were helping their friend escape an abusive relationship. He was gone for the weekend and, "this was her only chance." It's so easy to say "just leave" when you're not thinking about whose lives (at times, it's more than just your own) are at stake, how much you'd be giving up by leaving (uprooting yourself is really hard, especially if you've been planted there for so long), and other factors that might make it harder to "just leave" than people realize.

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If the abuser is a family member or long time friend/partner, one of the reasons a person may choose to stay in the abuse can sometimes be that they don´t want to loose the relationship with that person. They most likely want to be treated better, but if they try to change that, they fear completely loosing that person´s love and attention. This is mostly the case in relationships where the abuser is manipulative, in which case, they will sometimes convince the victim that they need them, that if they leave, they won´t be able to live on their own, even convincing them that no one else will care about them except the abuser. I´ve seen this a few times, so I can safely say that this is something that plays a major part and makes leaving the relationship extremely difficult for the victim of abuse. 

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Sarah-Sylvia
14 hours ago, SocialMorays said:

To add to the many other reasons others have elucidated, my impression is that abusers are often drawn to people with low self-esteem. Because of that, the abuser is often able to manipulate their partner into believing any or all of the following:

  • the abuse isn't that bad and they're overreacting
  • they deserve the abuse
  • by pushing back, they caused the abuser to snap and are therefore to blame ("look what you made me do")
  • they should feel lucky to have a partner at all, and don't have a chance of finding anyone else

I think it makes sense that self-esteem plays a huge role. It's still hard for me to understand how someone could go as low believing that they deserve the abuse though. I know it's just because people can go much lower than I imagine. And it reminds me again of how someone is raised, since kids can believe all sorts of things from how they're treated. It's just weird that it can be like that.

 

13 hours ago, CBC said:

I was desperate to hang onto something I really believed in, and I was beyond confused about what was normal to feel or think or want or need. I had mental pep talks with myself about how I could endure the parts that sucked and hurt because that meant I got the good ones too and having those was better than nothing. I learnt how to shut up and be calm and hardly ever respond too emotionally myself, and cry later. I didn't know it wasn't normal to have the same arguments over and over and over again for months, one day it's fine and the next it's not. I didn't know you shouldn't have to beg repeatedly for forgiveness for the things you didn't do perfectly or for things you didn't even do at all. I thought it was ok to sometimes hear 'I hate you' and to be screamed at. All I knew was I rubbish. And any type of behaviour seemed potentially fine since it's true that I wasn't absolutely perfect.

 

Even though it'd always been messy, I didn't really think it was abusive. Although at one point I joined a couple subreddits about emotional abuse and gaslighting. I should've listened to my intuition. But then things got better. They were mostly great for a bit, lots of highs. Then worse again. Only at the very end did I realise how absolutely fucked up it was and start feeling truly angry. Still, I wasn't even the one who ended it.

 

I didn't properly 'get' that it was abusive until I'd had many conversations with my current partner about it, going over and over the same things and needing reassurance from him. Now I have no idea why I would've wasted even five minutes of my time on that stupid situation, but I'm aware I didn't see it that way at the time.

 

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Also I have a real problem with people who think same-sex relationships can't ever be as fucked-up as toxic opposite-sex ones.

Thanks for sharing something personal like that. I don't like at all that this stuff happens. You didn't have a contrast of a good relationship somewhere to compare it with? I guess a lot was put into the good parts. Emotions are important so it sucks that you had to push them for by yourself. It sounds like your partner was very unstable.

 

Definitely can see how even same-sex wouldn't be any different. All sorts of people have problems.

 

4 hours ago, CBC said:

They can when they feel like no one else will want them, or when they actually love the person who's being abusive.

That goes back to low self esteem I guess? As for loving someone who's abusive... it would be hard for me to hold those feelings if someone hurt me. but it's not like I can't totally understand. I haven't been with someone abusive, but I did for someone who was toxic to me and it took me a good while to let go of them. I don't know if it was desperation, or attachment to something I wished for. Maybe it's a bit like that, though obviously not really the same case.

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I was in an abusive relationship a long time ago. Everyone who said something about having to realise you're in one is 100% correct. It's really hard to keep an objective eye on something you're personally emotionally involved in.

 

It took me several months to break it off even after I finally realised. In retrospect, I keep telling myself why did it take me so long?!? But then I remember the kind of circumstance I was in and it makes a lot more sense. It's hard to understand if you've never had the experience, and I hope for you that you never do.

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This is probably not the answer you're looking for, but this kind of questions are usually made to victim-blame, "if he was abusing her she would've left", "if he's getting physically abused by her he would've told people and didn't stay for long", etc.

Of course someone stuck in a physically abusive relationship will probably not be in a healthy mindset, or they don't think the people around them are supportive enough that they can trust or dare to ask for help.

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Sarah-Sylvia
12 minutes ago, Lin G. said:

This is probably not the answer you're looking for, but this kind of questions are usually made to victim-blame, "if he was abusing her she would've left", "if he's getting physically abused by her he would've told people and didn't stay for long", etc.

Of course someone stuck in a physically abusive relationship will probably not be in a healthy mindset, or they don't think the people around them are supportive enough that they can trust or dare to ask for help.

The question is asked to understand, in this case.
As for me I'm 100% sure that I would take no crap (the obvious kind at least), physical violence means I'm out of there. As far as emotional abuse, that's something I'd like to learn about not just to understand but also have my eyes open for if ever it'd happen. I'm not gonna judge others who do stay in those relationships, but I really do think they should get out of there and not take it, but then you get complicated situations, especially just how weird being human can be.

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13 hours ago, Sarah-Sylvia said:

The question is asked to understand, in this case.
As for me I'm 100% sure that I would take no crap (the obvious kind at least), physical violence means I'm out of there. As far as emotional abuse, that's something I'd like to learn about not just to understand but also have my eyes open for if ever it'd happen. I'm not gonna judge others who do stay in those relationships, but I really do think they should get out of there and not take it, but then you get complicated situations, especially just how weird being human can be.

It's not only the matter of should and shouldn't, it's the matter of can and can't. If getting outside of a physically abusive relationship was so easy as people make it out to be we wouldn't have this amount of domestic violence cases.

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