Trying to understand myself - experiencing sexual attraction for the first time

[ifoundnemo]

 

Occasional lurker, first time poster. If this should be somewhere else, Mods please feel free to move it. I initially wrote this as a way to wrap my head around how I’m feeling but I welcome encouragement and advice from those who have been where I am now.
 

First, a ittle bit of background about me... I’m in my early 30s and have been single (and not really looking) since I ended a 2.5 year relationship about 8 years ago (which was my only relationship since early in high school). Not long after that, I learned about asexuality and finally felt that there was a word to describe what I felt and that I wasn’t just broken in having no interest in sex and even sometimes being grossed out by the thought of it or seeing it in a movie. This past March I was diagnosed with depression and started on anti-depressants. (I’m doing better 🙂)

 

I met a guy, I’ll call him Phil, through a mutual hobby of ours in the summer of 2019. He’s a good looking guy, but we didn’t have frequent interactions, so there wasn’t really any attraction there at the time. This past summer, Our hobby brought us together more frequently and it starts to feel like he’s flirting with me. Then I start developing a bit of a crush on him. Despite having convinced several people that he was into me, Phil told me late in the summer that he didn’t feel the same as I did and that he didn’t see us being anything beyond friends. We had a long conversation after, in which, for whatever reason, I felt comfortable telling him about what to me was a giant elephant in the room for dating, that I’m Ace and kinky - 2 things that probably seem like complete opposites to the average sexual person. At some point in the days following that, the idea of friends with benefits came up, with him helping me experiment with the kink and me returning the favour as best I could.

 

We never ended up acting on that, but here’s where things start to get weird for me as I started to feel like I might actually want to have sex with Phil and started having sexual fantasies about him, both of which are firsts for me. Then all of a sudden, looking at him or a picture of him, I don’t just see a good looking guy anymore, now I’m seeing him as sexy. What is this blasphemy?

 

For a while, I wondered if the antidepressants I’m taking had anything to do with it as I’m taking one of the few (to my understanding) that doesn’t have negative sexual side effects, and in some rare cases actually increases libido. Lots of reading ensues as I’m questioning my sexuality (disconcerting in your 30s) and I come to the realization that it’s not the meds, it’s him, and I’m actually demisexual, experiencing sexual attraction for probably the first time in my life. 

 

I’ve never been a very touchy-feely person, it’s rare that I initiate a hug with anybody, but I’ve felt myself wanting, almost needing, to feel Phil’s hands on my body recently. Covid and physical distancing probably hasn’t helped the situation at all. I know hanging onto this isn’t helping me, and I really should/need to get over him and just be happy with being just friends with him. I really do want to stay friends with him.

 

Rationally, I know that rejection is a part of life and that there is someone else out there for me, but at the same time, I feel like letting go of him means giving up on feelings (both physical and emotional) that I’ve never had before, and who knows when I’ll ever have them again. I never felt like I was missing out on anything before, but now I can’t help but wonder “what if?”

 

How am I supposed to let go of him in a romantic and sexual way, and put my physical needs back to bed after they’ve just been woken up from a long hibernation and are now really hungry?

 

 

[fragglerocking]

Why do you need to let go of him?

[ifoundnemo]

23 hours ago, fragglerocking said:

Why do you need to let go of him?

He has told me he’s interested in somebody else. I don’t mind keeping the door open for the future, because who knows how things will change or develop over time, but in the meantime, wanting what I can’t have is difficult, for lack of a better description. A small flame is fine, but I can’t see carrying a full on torch for him being the best for my mental health right now, especially as recurring lockdowns are limiting my social interactions.

[Jarle]

I've felt something similar, thanks for validating my experiences 🙂

 

I've been in a potentially* gender-swapped version of the above. Identified as ace for the longest time, for involved with a girl that sparked SUCH sexual thoughts/feelings, and pursued her. She said she wasn't interested in a relationship, and two weeks later was in one with someone else, but we're still friends today. What helped me was recognising there were a couple of deal breakers in any potential relationship there. 

 

This guy might be the first to spark those feelings in you, but that doesn't mean he'll be the only one. Now you have the experience, hopefully you'll be able to recognise when you feel that way again, and with someone who reciprocates and feels the same way.