I think I am aro

[Ellie6]

I’ve thought about this for a while now, and I think I could be aromantic. I’m a 28 y.o. female and I have never been in a relationship before. I think I’d feel better identifying as aro at this point not only because of my age but also because I have never actively sought out relationships. I am very closed off and averse to relationships - maybe because I don’t feel anything towards people? Is this how most aros feel when they come to terms with being aro? 

[Sarah-Sylvia]

Hi Ellie. Just two questions that came to mind, but is it that you don't enjoy being close and romantic or intimate with someone you like? And do you feel platonic feelings towards people? (feeling good to be friends and share a lighter bond)

[Ellie6]

38 minutes ago, Sarah-Sylvia said:

Hi Ellie. Just two questions that came to mind, but is it that you don't enjoy being close and romantic or intimate with someone you like? And do you feel platonic feelings towards people? (feeling good to be friends and share a lighter bond)

Hi. I am uncomfortable with intimacy. I have trouble forming a connection with others. The moment things get too close I retreat. I kind of figured wanting to avoid relationships = aromantic? I don’t have many friends so that’s hard to really say. I have one good friend and I have trouble being open with her too, but it’s strictly platonic. 

[thatpokebloke]

There's no one way to be aro. Some may feel other kinds of attraction besides romantic and/or seek out relationships. So to answer your question, no that's not necessarily how most aros feel. However, there are plenty of aros out there who have difficulties with any kind of relationship, friendships included, like you are describing. I've seen some of them use the term "aplatonic" (meaning they don't experience platonic attraction) if you're interested in looking into that.

[Sarah-Sylvia]

I can't really make any judgment calls, not just because I'm not aro, but because it's a tricky situation when it comes to insecurity and aversions. Someone could be romantic and be too insecure to have a relationship. But some part of them would probably like to, and hope that they could eventually have one (unless they're denying their desires), so I think it depends whether you have a desire for romance or not with people. There are plenty of aro and aces who have insecurities though and they feel comfortable never having relationships or sex. The most important is being true to you

[Ellie6]

On 1/8/2021 at 8:18 PM, Sarah-Sylvia said:

Someone could be romantic and be too insecure to have a relationship

What’s an example of being “too insecure” to have a relationship? Is it like having an attachment issue or having low self esteem? I know so many people like that who have been in plenty of relationships. 
 

On 1/8/2021 at 8:18 PM, Sarah-Sylvia said:

But some part of them would probably like to, and hope that they could eventually have one (unless they're denying their desires), so I think it depends whether you have a desire for romance or not with people.

I think in my head I do, but in real life no. 

[Sarah-Sylvia]

8 hours ago, Ellie6 said:

What’s an example of being “too insecure” to have a relationship? Is it like having an attachment issue or having low self esteem? I know so many people like that who have been in plenty of relationships. 
 

I think in my head I do, but in real life no. 

Well yes there's all kinds of people. Some bring their baggage into relationships, and some aren't abale to get into any because of it. Everyone's different.
I wasn't able to get into any for a long time because I had too low self-esteem. I mustered up the courage to talk more to a girl I was interested in finally, but it could've easily not happened, I think. If someone doesn't believe in themselves, then it'll all pass by. For that one it didn't end up going well anyway because I still had too low self esteem in the relationship. But I had a better one later on. We live and learn.

But in the end it's more around if you want a relationship or not, not if you feel it's possible or not. But someone shouldn't depend on relationships for happiness either, I mentioned that in another thread. It's all about being able to follow happiness regardless.

[Maelstrom_17]

On 1/8/2021 at 8:45 PM, Ellie6 said:

I’ve thought about this for a while now, and I think I could be aromantic. I’m a 28 y.o. female and I have never been in a relationship before. I think I’d feel better identifying as aro at this point not only because of my age but also because I have never actively sought out relationships. I am very closed off and averse to relationships - maybe because I don’t feel anything towards people? Is this how most aros feel when they come to terms with being aro? 

Yeah, I'm aro, and while I'm not an expert on being alloromantic or grey, I've had friends who tell me about their experience with that stuff. Sure, you could be aromantic, or perhaps (again, idk about your life history or anything like that, just what I've read and what people have told me) due to traumatic experiences involving relationships or certain mental health issues preventing you from acting on your romantic desires/interests. It really depends on what your reasoning is for not being aromantic, and it's something that you can figure out over time by yourself, with friends, in aromantic discussion groups, or maybe?? in therapy (I say maybe because idk if there's a lot of aromantic friendly therapists out there but some of the LGBTQ ones could be familiar with this).

 

It took me awhile to figure out whether I was just avoiding romantic relationships because i thought they were too much work and/or superficial, or whether I was aromantic so I can definitely relate to this.