New Ace Relationship - Sexual man, with Ace Woman.

[Reve]

Hi, I know this has been covered so many times in this forum, but I would really like some help/advice

 

I met a girl that grew to be my Girlfriend. She was completely upfront about being Ace, and I accept it completely.

I wouldn't change her for the world. She's my favourite person. The sweetest most gentle,  generous and supportive woman I've ever been with.

After so many unfulfilling sexual relationships, to me, being liked for me, rather than having a relationship that's validated by sexual contact was and is still beautiful to me.

We've discussed sexual contact, and She's not into it. Not sex repulsed, just doesn't give a damn, and would rather just not do it.

That's fine with me. I really don't care. I have an awesome Ace Girlfriend and I'm so happy.

Again, she was very upfront with me, and I am not backing out of this relationship under any circumstances.

I'm crazy about this woman.

 

All I'd like to know, from those that are Sexual people, but in a relationship with an Ace, how do you handle your own libido?

For me, masturbation is fine, but I'm concerned that she'll feel bad if we're making out and I become aroused, she is this kind of person to think about how others feel, especially me, as like I said, she's really caring..

I don't want her to feel like she, like many others has to "please her partner". I mean, why should the Ace always compromise and do the one thing they have no interest in doing?

 

So, how do my fellow Sexual people deal with it?

I don't want it to become an issue, but chemicals and lust are bloody irritating.

I'm very faithful, and would never cheat to fulfill that part of my life. If I can't (and I know for a fact that I can't) have sex with her, I don't want to at all. I'd rather DIY for the rest of my life.

[Grimalkin]

I'm not a sexual person, so I'm not the one you're asking advice from-- but I am an asexual woman. 

 

And if it were me, I'd want you to ask me all these things. Getting through the tough questions now will help strengthen your relationship down the road. Just sit her down sometime when both of you are in a neutral frame of mind (so like... not after you've been making out), and tell her that you're crazy about her, and that you don't want her to feel pressured, and what would make her most comfortable in situations like this?

 

The thing I've learned about "mixed-sexuality" relationships like this is that if you don't communicate a lot, it's probably not going to go well. The sooner you start, the better!

[Guest]

Hello and welcome! You may want to post here instead, there are a lot more sexual people in that forum that can help with your query  in the meantime, if you're worried about anything concerning your relationship, just keep open communication with your girlfriend and go along that way. You might find she's not as squeamish as you think about you having morning wood or whatever else.

[Janus the Fox]

Moved to For Sexual Partners, Friends and Allies

 

Janus DarkFox

Weekends Asexual Relationships, Current Questions about Asexuality, Asexual Musings and Rantings & Open Mic Moderator

[Guest]

Hello @Reve I'm sure your ace lady appreciates you but if you feel uncomfortable with the no intimacy, your better off as platonic friends, which is still good. People need friends these days! Keep the friendship.

[Taemi]

10 hours ago, Reve said:

I'm very faithful, and would never cheat to fulfill that part of my life. If I can't (and I know for a fact that I can't) have sex with her, I don't want to at all. I'd rather DIY for the rest of my life.

I wish I would meet someone like you in my life. As an ace woman I can advise you to talk about all insecurities you have with her. Maybe she doesn't mind you're aroused and it's ok with it. Maybe she is happy you're aroused because of her, even when she doesn't want to have sex. Communication is the priority. About everything. Also you have to make sure she doesn't feel pressured, but judging about what you say, it doesn't look like you would pressure her. Good luck  

[Philip027]

Bodies kind of do what they want sometimes and it's not always congruous to what we want, so I'd just emphasize that if it ever comes up.  Most people are capable of understanding that, sexual and asexual alike -- libidoist aces in particular might completely understand where you are coming from.

[anisotrophic]

15 hours ago, Reve said:

I'm very faithful, and would never cheat to fulfill that part of my life. If I can't (and I know for a fact that I can't) have sex with her, I don't want to at all. I'd rather DIY for the rest of my life.

I’m not going to encourage you to “cheat” but I think it’s really important to relax this view of having sex with others, learn about open/poly and ethical non-monogamy.

 

A lifetime is long. A new relationship is infused with strong emotions that make these things feel small, but the years and decades grind on inexorably. Without relaxing your view of sex with others, I think you’re almost certainly creating a potentially much worse situation in the future. I am *not* suggesting you actually go do open/poly: but I think it’s far better to not do so simply because you’re “not interested”, rather than “resist” it because it’s “wrong”.

[Reve]

This is all great advice, folks.

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply.

 

My girlfriend has been very open about our discussions, and has stated that if I do become aroused, she understands that it happens, but wanted to assure me that why it doesn't bother her, there would be absolutely no chance of sex happening.

I feel I need to be more clear though, I wish I was Asexual. I really do. Throughout my life, I've had my genitals rule my head, and through this woman, I feel I can sort of retrain my brain to think differently about the relationship between societal "norms of sex = real relationship, no sex = your relationship is awful and you should feel bad. shame on her for not letting you do a sex in her"

 

As for thinking of a poly relationship, that just doesn't sit right with me.

I know this isn't going to be easy, but to be treated as a human being, finally, is such a wonderful thing to me, and far outweighs the feelings of lust I have towards her. It's THAT that gets my heart beating faster,  and THAT which makes me feel that I couldn't obtain that feeling with anyone.

My girlfriend is the object of my affections, and just as asexuals can't help but feel nothing for sex, I can't help shake my conscience loose enough to think of a poly relationship. Not that I'm judging polyam folks as such, if that's what makes you happy and free in such a claustrophobic world, then have at it!

 

Tl;Dr: I'm gonna want to have sex with her, but I choose not to if she doesn't want sex.

 

I can't bring myself to be in a poly relationship, as I feel I'd be using another person for sex, and not being seen as a sex object is exactly the reason I'm so happy with this woman.

 

Does a quick one off the wrist help? And can it be maintained long term?

[Reve]

On 1/8/2021 at 10:57 PM, Taemi said:

I wish I would meet someone like you in my life. As an ace woman I can advise you to talk about all insecurities you have with her. Maybe she doesn't mind you're aroused and it's ok with it. Maybe she is happy you're aroused because of her, even when she doesn't want to have sex. Communication is the priority. About everything. Also you have to make sure she doesn't feel pressured, but judging about what you say, it doesn't look like you would pressure her. Good luck  

I won't do that at all.

She's been made to feel like a bad person for not wanting it, and I'd never leave her feeling like that.

 

Keep looking for love, I'm sure you'll find it. There are more guys out there waiting just to be loved, than you think.

You'd be surprised how many men want to just be appreciated and loved for who they are, especially as these days some of us are treated like walking Dildo dispensers, and piggy banks.

I know I was, just replace Piggy Bank with British Passport.

[Liamliayaum]

So I feel this, but on the opposite end. My partner and I have been together for almost 3 years now. He is a heterosexual male and I'm slowly coming to terms with my asexuality (it still sounds weird to say that, much less to type it into the "void of the internet"). I'd say I'm more sex-neutral. I don't mind it and it can be physically nice, but it's not on the top of my list. Whereas with my partner, he sees parts of my body and is like I want to touch and I want to do things now. It feels like I'm doing something wrong saying no 9 times out of 10 when he's so clearly into it. We're navigating our own issues but I'd echo what other people have been saying: communication. Through more (sometimes awkward af) conversations between us, I've learned that he is a physical touch sort of person. Not that he necessarily needs sex all the time, but he needs more intimate gestures and touches than like just a normal hug. So many that's something you need that she could be comfortable giving? Like cuddling sans some clothes but it just stays at that? I'd hedge that it's just as confusing and difficult for your girlfriend as it is for you to find that right balance. Good luck!

[Reve]

She's been very stern with regards to actual sex, and I'm not sure how open to talking about the level of sexual contact she is, as with her past of people not understanding, or forcing her/manipulating her to have sex she's reached a "take it or leave it" stance.

I think all she really wants, is to be treated as a human being, and not have someone expect sex because you're romantically engaged.

I don't think that's too much to ask.

I'm sure over time, we'll get to strike a balance, but, we're in a very new relationship, three months, so we don't have the dynamic of living with each other and trying to compromise on my urges, and her lack thereof.

 

This is why I'm asking advice.

I do see a future with her, because she's simply wonderful.

 

[anisotrophic]

On 1/10/2021 at 9:03 AM, Reve said:

As for thinking of a poly relationship, that just doesn't sit right with me.

I know this isn't going to be easy, but to be treated as a human being, finally, is such a wonderful thing to me, and far outweighs the feelings of lust I have towards her. It's THAT that gets my heart beating faster,  and THAT which makes me feel that I couldn't obtain that feeling with anyone.

My girlfriend is the object of my affections, and just as asexuals can't help but feel nothing for sex, I can't help shake my conscience loose enough to think of a poly relationship. Not that I'm judging polyam folks as such, if that's what makes you happy and free in such a claustrophobic world, then have at it!

 

Tl;Dr: I'm gonna want to have sex with her, but I choose not to if she doesn't want sex.

 

I can't bring myself to be in a poly relationship, as I feel I'd be using another person for sex, and not being seen as a sex object is exactly the reason I'm so happy with this woman.

Yeah, my advice was not to seek out sex elsewhere. It was to frame this as your preference, and not a moral issue — for example, to not use the word “cheat”. When you have a strong, new connection with someone, it’s totally natural to have no desire for anyone else.

 

I’d encourage to explain this in terms of your preferences, and avoid imposing assumptions on what others want. For example you could say: you have no desire to emotionally connect with anyone else, and that you’re uncomfortable with and don’t want sex outside that emotionally connected context.

 

If your partner expresses discomfort with poly or open, you could add that — but I don’t think you should assume it. And I don’t think you should say you would be “using” others for sex; that’s imposing an assumption and removing their autonomy.

 

PS to add, I don’t have advice on what to do with your desire. You’ll have to experiment, I think. I think you should hopefully be able to express what you feel to your partner, because this is part of you, and people should be able to be open about who they are & loved for it.