Aro maybe

[oddfishout]

Soooo I have known for a bit that people I found "attractive" were mostly just aesthetic and sensual attraction. Like, yes, let me lick your beautiful biceps ma'am, but please don't touch my genitals. 

 

However, I guess I didn't really realize that people wanted anything out of SO's other than friendship plus. Like, everyone is always talking about how your partner should be your best friend, so duh, the strongest friendship you have is probably a romantic feeling. I still don't really get how FWB relationships are different than romantic ones. Like, you like being around this person and have sex sometimes? How is this different than how you just told me romantic relationships were like exactly? Plus, if you have a person you know really well, you would have to know them really well and trust them completely to have sex with them. Why would you want to do something so invasive with someone you didn't know as well as you knew yourself? On the other hand, doing that with someone you knew well would be gross. You know that person, why would you want to do something so invasive and boring with them?

 

I still get "transported" into romantic stories, and I can "fall in love" with the fictional character, but that's...obviously different. There is also that odd feeling when I had long term relationships. Like, I like hanging around you. You like hanging around me. We do activities together. This is fine. Then they start trying to kiss and stuff and I disassociate or play mind games to satisfy them before my boredom overwhelms me. Why do they feel the need to do this? We were fine without, right? I have always gotten along better with my ex-partners after we no longer had to do all that business. 

 

I guess my question/observation is this: People in romantic relationships don't actually feel like it's a friendship plus, do they? Any thoughts on my opinions/experiences? Anyone with similar ones?

[AloeThere]

Hi! I'm still trying to figure out where I fall on the aro scale, so I really want to hear what others have to say, but for me romantic relationships are a kind of "friendship plus."

 

Like I have a close friend who I have spent a lot of my time with these past few months just hanging out and watching movies and stuff, but I have never been romantically interested in them. On the other hand, I have another very close friend who I would say that I have fallen in love with? (If I know what love is) For me that means that I could spend endless amounts of time with them and never be bored of talking. We (before COVID) would go out every weekend grocery shopping and go to the mall together and talk like we had known each other for years and that was the reason I fell in love. (Sadly they are straight but...) If I ever did end up having a relationship with them I might like to touch them more occasionally than I do with other people (like hugs and stuff) but that's about it.

 

What I am looking for in a romantic relationship is really just a partner in that I want to share every part of myself (my personality) with them. Like it's more than friendship in that the feelings involved and the trust involved is somewhat more intimate??? but (for me)  it is a sort of glorified friendship.

[Artemis The Chirin]

I'm not the best at describing these things but I'll try my best. When I think of a romantic relationship, I think of a strong powerful relationship with a guy, normally reflecting ideals of a platonic relationship (friendships) but doing romantic things, like kissing, going on dates, cuddling. Now that I think about it, not a great way to differentiate rmantic and platnic relationships since you cuddle, go on dates of sorts, and other stuff with both. However, romantic attraction feels different. Friendship just makes me happy, maybe I'll feel a "warm" feeling near my heart? For sensual attraction, I feel happiness and an "ahhh" feeling in my head. Sexual attraction is the "butterflies" feeling people talk about but in my abdomen. Romantic attraction gives me that same butterfly feeling but in my chest. Its completely different from what I think that friendship feels like. However, I cannot describe the actual feeling difference between a romantic relationship vs platonic relationship cause I have not been in a romantic relationship. However, I do have one super strong friendship with this one girl that is borderline queerplationic relationship, commonly considered a "strong friendship that boarders on romantic relationship" and is often associated with the a-sec community due to the fact that a-spec people are ore likely to create this kind of bond. It's entirely different feeling from romantic or platonic though for me. Again, I'm not sure if I explained properly or if I'm even qualified to explain the differences.

 

Terms you might want to look at:

 

~Autochorisexual/Autochoriromantic (also called aegosexual/aegosexual) -those who have a disconnection between themself and the subject of attraction

 

~Lithiosexual/Lithioromantic (also called akiosexual/akioromantic) -experience sexual/romantic attraction but does not want it reciprocated

 

~Fraysexual/Frayromntic (also called ignotasexual/ignotaromentic) -experiencing sexual/romantic attraction but it fades away as you get to know them (opposite of demisexual)

 

***I pointed these ones out because you might like the idea of attraction or have attraction, but not want it back.

 

~WTFsexual/WTFromantic (also called quoisexual/quoiromantic) -meaning you cant differentiate different forms of attraction (can confuse any combination of attraction)

 

~Queerplatonic relationship, also called a quasiplatonic relationship, quirkyplatonic relationship, or qplatonic relationship (abbreviated QPR) -is a term for a relationship that bends the rules for telling apart romantic relationships from non-romantic relationships. It goes beyond what is considered normal or socially acceptable for a platonic relationship but is not romantic in nature/does not fit the traditional idea of a romantic relationship. Blurs the lines between societal norms for platonic relationships and romantic relationships. They are typically characterized by having a level of emotional closeness and dedication comparable to or equal to that found in a romantic relationship, though the relationship is not romantic in nature. They are normally a-spec and I think a-spec community came up with it, but can be with  non a-spec people and/or straight people. Bonus fact, zucchini is the term for a partner in this kind of relationship.

 

***These other definitions might not have helped either, sorry.

[Artemis42]

Well I can't give much insight into romantic relationships seeing as I've never been in one, but I'd say I have a decent amount of experience with romantic attraction, so that's the angle I'm coming at this from xD.

Romance is like friendship plus in a way (I tend to think of it more as friendship squared lol), but the way I think of it, the "plus" is an exhilarating spark of passionately affectionate feelings and a desire for emotional (and often but not always physical) closeness, all caused by how endearing/awesome you think someone is. This "emotional closeness" is typically even deeper than what you'd have with a friend. The desire to kiss and cuddle and so on is usually the result of those affectionate feelings and passionate desires.

FWB relationships are different from romantic relationships because they aren't built on those types of feelings.

I'm ace so I'm no expert on sexual desire and whatnot, but I'd say while a level of trust is probably required in most sexual encounters, one doesn't necessarily need to know another person on the deepest possible level to want or have sex with them. I mean, casual sex is a thing, yeah. And obviously allosexual people usually don't find sex invasive or boring under the right circumstances, but I think that's just something ace-spec people aren't gonna get, which is fine.

So I guess in conclusion: some romantic people may think of romance as friendship plus, but that's not a very useful idea to someone who may not experience romantic feelings.

Hope this clears some things up ... Or maybe it just made things more confusing.
😂

[oddfishout]

18 hours ago, OMGtheykissed said:

for me romantic relationships are a kind of "friendship plus."

 

I see what you are saying, and thank you for sharing your experiences with me! I think I just like platonically touching (hugging, sitting close together, etc) with people I'm close to in general, but I definitely relate to liking one specific person more than normal, and not knowing if it's "love" or just me being a really attached best friend. 

 

17 hours ago, Artemis The Chirin said:

I'm not the best at describing these things but I'll try my best. When I think of a romantic relationship, I think of a strong powerful relationship with a guy, normally reflecting ideals of a platonic relationship (friendships) but doing romantic things, like kissing, going on dates, cuddling. Now that I think about it, not a great way to differentiate rmantic and platnic relationships since you cuddle, go on dates of sorts, and other stuff with both. However, romantic attraction feels different. Friendship just makes me happy, maybe I'll feel a "warm" feeling near my heart? For sensual attraction, I feel happiness and an "ahhh" feeling in my head. Sexual attraction is the "butterflies" feeling people talk about but in my abdomen. Romantic attraction gives me that same butterfly feeling but in my chest. Its completely different from what I think that friendship feels like. 

The physical descriptions were useful, especially the ones I didn't really relate to, I like hearing about what other people feel with these emotions. I really liked all the definitions you gave! I hade never heard of  a couple, and had forgotten about some as well.  The fraysexual thing seems interesting, but I also don't want to have sex very much with people I don't know. I identify as greysexual, but the times I have felt attraction that way for a real life person, I was under the influence of something or another and they were solidly in the range of "good acquaintances." Plus, other people have pointed out that I may be Lithiosexual, but I needed a little reminding of what it was. Thank you! Also, I liked the fact about zucchini. 10/10, would read again, probably in a few months when I'm confused again.

 

 

1 hour ago, Artemis42 said:

(I tend to think of it more as friendship squared lol), but the way I think of it, the "plus" is an exhilarating spark of passionately affectionate feelings and a desire for emotional closeness.... The desire to kiss and cuddle and so on is usually the result of those affectionate feelings and passionate desires.

Huh, thank you. I guess the reason I don't understand is because those sparky, passionate feelings are, like, not real to me. I think of those things as something that only romance novel people feel, not real life people. Kissing is so gross as well, but that might be just my personal problem. Everything is wet, and they are breathing in your face, and tongues are not a nice feeling on your tongue. Affection is something I understand, but again in a platonic sense. 

 

 

Anyway, thank you, all three of you for replying. I appreciate hearing about your sense of the world, and also I'm sad and lonely so getting responses on the internet gives me validation. I enjoyed the very different perspectives each of you gave me!

[Artemis The Chirin]

5 hours ago, oddfishout said:

I'm sad and lonely so getting responses on the internet gives me validation.

Helping people out and having them actually listen to me online gives me validation! I enjoy helping people and it just feels validating when they say thank you, so thank you and you're welcome!

 

Also, I think I was tired and didn't put this in my original reply, but I added some of the a-spec identities cause you might relate to them romantically rather than sexually. For some reason I feel like I thought you might like autochoriromantic for some reason, but I don't remember why. I thin maybe I read something about these people often feeling romantic attraction in theory, like in books and stuff, but not when someone confronts them about it, like trying to ask them out in a romantic way or trying to kiss them. Maybe I'm making that up, I'm just tired. School started up again and I don't know what I'm doing in a new school system again.

 

(P.S. I am sad and lonely too)

[oddfishout]

42 minutes ago, Artemis The Chirin said:

Also, I think I was tired and didn't put this in my original reply, but I added some of the a-spec identities cause you might relate to them romantically rather than sexually. For some reason I feel like I thought you might like autochoriromantic for some reason, but I don't remember why. 

(P.S. I am sad and lonely too)

I super DO connect with that label. Like, romantically, and to some extent, sexually. I love reading about that stuff, and THAT stuff, but applying the things I read in real life is... not for me. I had posted something like this when I first was looking into asexuality, and gotten a lovely answer with great words specifically about the things I felt about sexuality. Now I'm revisiting aven because introspection told me I LIKE those words, but they didn't have all the info about what I felt about other people. 

 

Anyway, my point is, I reacted more strongly to some of the terms you posited either because a) I hadn't looked into them before and/or b) I felt strongly about them.  (Side option c is that I forgot about them) And I was looking for other people who felt like me and words make me feel included, as I'm sure many others have felt before me ❤️