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Sexual looking for advice for ace GF


Applebees37

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Happy New year all!

I will start by saying this is my first time I've ever posted on here and I'm just looking for some advice. I came across the site a few months ago and struggling (probably too harsh of a word) with issues in my relationship with my ace GF. I hope this isn't too long and maybe you all have some good ideas :)

 

I guess the background first, my girlfriend and I have been dating for around a half year. She literally means the world to me. She had always indicated that physical aspects of the relationship didn't interest her and she gave me that warning up front. But we took almost 4 months before we even had her first kiss when I started dating her. I should mention that she was 27 when she first had sex, which was with me. I respected all of her boundaries from day one. But once we started kissing, which turned to making out, which turned a sex, it was like the floodgates open. We were inseparable for about a month where we would have sex a few times a week. Since then, the frequency has dropped off steadily to the point now where we may not have sex for a month or two. She's still enjoys cuddling and kisses, but now shies away from making out or anything else.

It's caused a lot of tension and arguements in our relationship and I think it was driving her crazy because I would take it out on myself and get depressed. But we stuck with it and have been continuing to work on it. She recently was able to admit that it was her upbringing as a child that has her disliking physical aspects. Although not perfect, I do feel I have been incredibly supportive of her and not pressuring her into the physical intimacy moments. At the moment, the agreement is I should expect nothing and it is on her to initiate. But she is ADHD so she rarely can focus on something like that which is another problem. With the ADHD she tends to get scatterbrained sometimes and forgets that I have needs in that fashion. So I feel compelled not to bring it up, but she forgets about it so never necessarily starts anything. So it's a weird cycle I'm not sure how to break.

I've also brought up the idea of trying to do something more scheduled, like a Saturday night, but she says that idea completely puts her off. 

 

I will go on to say that I love this girl more than anything, and I would do anything for her. We get along on literally every level together and she is most beautiful, kind, and intelligent person I know, a true catch. I see a long and happy life with her and love doing everything with her.

So I guess here's where my questions come in, I've read a lot about compromising to meet both parties' needs. I have tried to bring that up with her, but frankly I'm afraid to upset her so I normally just bottle things up, which makes her upset in turn, so it kind of falls away. Ideally, I would like to have physical intimacy twice a week, but in compromising I can see it being much less. She has claimed she doesn't mind relieving my physical needs, but even that has caused tension if I try me imply I'm looking for that release.

 

So am I being insensitive for wanting physical things from this relationship?

Is there any advice to see how to help relieve my needs with her? I'm not really interested in exploring the open relationship piece because I recognize I'm pretty emotional and I don't want to risk being attached to someone else and betraying her.

Does anyone else have experience with this type of cycle where the SO is in charge of the physical intimacy part, but frequently forgetting it's a need of the other party?

 

Again, thanks for reading hopefully there's some good advice out there! Thanks

 

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Hello Paul
I don't think you're being insensitive at all and that this situation is unfair on you. Just from reading this I'd say your arrangement can't work, especially if she forgets about your needs.
You've suggested scheduled sex, she declined. So maybe it's time for her to suggest something? Ask her what else you two could do. That way she is in charge. I've been the less sexual partner in a mixed relationship and it sometimes caused the horrible feeling of not being good enough for her.


Tell her what you told us, how much you love her, that you don't want an open relationship etc.

I think that in a mixed relationship there is ideally a compromise for both parties, for example if you agreed to having sex less often, or only a certain way etc. and she agreed to have sex with you at all but only sometimes or a certain way. If you can't meet in the middle, then this needs to be said out loud so you can talk about it. It wouldn't have to be the end of the relationship, but it could.

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anisotrophic

I think in the context of a specific relationship, it can be helpful to set aside the identity labels and focus on understanding each individual's experience. There's no "right" or "wrong", it's ok to not desire sex or not experience it positively. Some people think about sex more spontaneously, others don't. And people can have different levels of positive experiences in different things -- being desired, pleasing a partner, being pleased, expressing love, etc.

It sounds like you've been very focused on being cautious and respectful, and from that, you are not inclined to initiate -- or maybe only do so very tentatively. Have you explored whether she's comfortable and happy with you initiating more? (and if so, what works best for her?)

I ask that because it's entirely possible you'd be having sex more often if you take the responsibility for initiating, and learned how to do so appropriately. And for a non-initiator, it's important to recognize responsibilities in turn -- being honest about whether it was positive or enjoyed (and do say it was positive if it was -- the positive feedback is important), not always saying "yes" to sex while being mindful of being kind about rejection.

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Mountain House

Hi Paul, Welcome, an I'm sorry you struggle.

 

I'll throw a theory as to why perhaps the floodgates closed.  Lookup "new relationship energy" [NRE].  It is hormonal brain drugs.  It makes us humans do crazy things like marry that woman you met in Vegas two days ago or move across the country to live with the man you've known a total of 2 months.  It generally lasts 6 to 18 months.  18 months, about the time you've been dating.

 

After NRE you discover the real "each other".  That messy toothbrush or shoes left in the middle of the floor become "WTF DUDE!"

 

So, my guess, you are transitioning to the real world.  Now is the time to become Jedi level communicators.

 

Your questions about the sexual incompatibility bring up a thought I'll share.  First, you both need to really understand what sex is to yourselves and partner.  See, I don't think you can answer that for yourself yet because your post has focused on "release" and that's something you can do all by yourself.  You say you are emotional, so poke around in there and really figure out what having sex with someone means to you and what not having sex means as well.  If she is asexual and you are sexual like the majority of sexual people that visit this forum, then you will find that sex means none of that to her.

 

So, first step is understanding.

 

3 hours ago, Paulguy21 said:

Does anyone else have experience with this type of cycle where the SO is in charge of the physical intimacy part, but frequently forgetting it's a need of the other party?

This is a pretty common thing to hear around here.  In my relationship I've asked that my wife not make future promises because she always forgets.  She doesn't do it on purpose, it's just not on her radar.

 

2 hours ago, Comrade Ennis the Kind said:

I don't think you're being insensitive at all and that this situation is unfair on you.

I agree with the not being insensitive - Paul is just being his authentic self.  I trip up on the word unfair.  It's an incompatibility.  One that was hinted at from the get-go.  If unfair, then unfair to everyone.

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Sarah-Sylvia

Twice a week would be how a 'normal' sexual relationship could go (when neither are overly sexual), so that would definitely be too much for someone asexual. Once per week would be a compromise some asexuals could do but definitely not all, and schedules can't work with some people who're more spontaneous, who don't want to force intimate moments. I'm like that, I'd have trouble with a schedule. So it's complicated. Like one person said, maybe if you ... not necessarily 'tried', but scoped to see if it would be a possible time where she's ok with it, you could find times here and there, but with someone ace you can't expect to have sex frequently, so you have to either accept that or find a way to cope with it, or break up. I know those aren't the best options, if sex is important to you, she probably doesn't really understand that because of being ace. You have to decide what's more important for you.

But like always, communication IS important, so I hope you two get to talk and that you can voice how you feel without putting it on her. Do you know what you mean? There's ways to share feelings where you don't make it about her and her being asexual, but rather talk about your own feelings and how it can feel when you don't get the sexual kind of intimate connection. And this is normal for someone sexual, and you both have things to understand about each other. Hope it works our one way or another hun.

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anisotrophic
24 minutes ago, Sarah-Sylvia said:

that would definitely be too much for someone asexual

The reason I’m encouraging focusing on each other’s individual experiences is that this identity stuff & statements like this can create a normative tension.


If she is ever comfortable with that, is that now invalidating her? Does it imply she’s lying, can’t *really* be happy? Or lying about asexuality? And are we going to encourage someone to assume things about a partner, or distrust them because they think “asexual” should mean certain things?

 

The thing that matters is what a person says they experience. Not some guesswork or assumption based on labels and identities. Asexuality is an important context because it’s important to step away from any sense of pressure to have sex, or to experience sexual desire and/or pleasure (at all, or in certain ways).

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Sarah-Sylvia
12 minutes ago, anisotrophic said:

The reason I’m encouraging focusing on each other’s individual experiences is that this identity stuff & statements like this can create a normative tension.


If she is ever comfortable with that, is that now invalidating her? Does it imply she’s lying, can’t *really* be happy? Or lying about asexuality? And are we going to encourage someone to assume things about a partner, or distrust them because they think “asexual” should mean certain things?

 

The thing that matters is what a person says they experience. Not some guesswork or assumption based on labels and identities. Asexuality is an important context because it’s important to step away from any sense of pressure to have sex, or to experience sexual desire and/or pleasure (at all, or in certain ways).

I don't really like when people misinterpret or make something big out of what I say.

Partners should always talk, like I mentioned. Usually that helps not to make as many assumptions.

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There is nothing wrong with any level of sexual interest, but compatibility is essential for a happy relationship.    Some people need sex daily to be happy. Some can't tolerate more than once a month, or not at all. Some need lots of variety and even kink to be happy, others cannot enjoy anything other than a very limited set of activities.  

 

In many cases, these are not things people can change - no matter how much they may wish they could.   My belief is that level of sexual interest is as fixed as is sexual orientation.  In the past many people have risked death because they could not change their orientation  - I see no reason to think  level of sexual interest is any more flexible

 

I've been married >30 years to a nearly asexual woman, while I'm sexual.  I don't recommend it.  Its a problem that never goes away. 

 

Figure out if there is a level of sexual activity that makes *both* of you happy. Otherwise you are just setting both of you up for long term unhappiness.

 

 

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First off wow, amazing responses all around. I couldn't get back in here to respond to now, but i do appreciate everything you guys have commented on.

On 1/5/2021 at 6:30 AM, Ennis said:

You've suggested scheduled sex, she declined. So maybe it's time for her to suggest something

We have had a lot of discussions on this and at the moment the result was "I should lower my expectations and let her initiate." Our last argument about it was just a few weeks ago and thus far one morning we cuddled and she was willing to get me a HJ. But outside that, no other initiation on her part, i took a chance with her on that.

 

On 1/5/2021 at 9:18 AM, Mountain House said:

I'll throw a theory as to why perhaps the floodgates closed.  Lookup "new relationship energy" [NRE].  It is hormonal brain drugs.  It makes us humans do crazy things like marry that woman you met in Vegas two days ago or move across the country to live with the man you've known a total of 2 months.  It generally lasts 6 to 18 months.  18 months, about the time you've been dating.

I agree, we both have discussed how we are past the honeymoon phase. Things are still great, but i do recognize my mind doesn't race for her like it didn't on the beginning. Her honeymoon period ended first, mine last twice as long, which for my emotional side drove me a little crazy. Especially since I'm physically motivated and that drastically slowed down.

 

On 1/5/2021 at 9:18 AM, Mountain House said:

 

 

On 1/5/2021 at 4:58 AM, Paulguy21 said:

Does anyone else have experience with this type of cycle where the SO is in charge of the physical intimacy part, but frequently forgetting it's a need of the other party?

This is a pretty common thing to hear around here.  In my relationship I've asked that my wife not make future promises because she always forgets.  She doesn't do it on purpose, it's just not on her radar.

Yeah, this was a big issue when I was initiating. I would go so far as to as if we could have sex that night or that weekend and she would mostly respond with "maybe" or "possibly." Which when the time came and it didn't happen I would admittedly get depressed or frustrated. Which in turn would put her even more out of the mood for saying later or the next day. She has gotten some good as to call me out on it as well which is why me setting my expectations extremely low I think I've helped because it keeps me out of the super low points. Was really a vicious self-fulfilling prophecy.

 

On 1/5/2021 at 10:12 AM, Sarah-Sylvia said:

There's ways to share feelings where you don't make it about her and her being asexual, but rather talk about your own feelings and how it can feel when you don't get the sexual kind of intimate connection.

I bet this was my biggest problems I have to focus on her not meeting my needs, which results in an argument of her telling me this is the way she is. After much frustration and reading I learned that I need to approach it from how impacts me and how it makes me feel. I'm so working on that side, but I do think I'm making progress.

 

 

Again, I appreciate all the input and I'm continuing to work it out. But I think when I'm gleaming from this post this far is her being in charge of initiating is not likely going to work long-term. I will say I'm most sexually charged when we are having a great time, laughing and playing.

 

The only other thing I'll add right now is I see sex physical intimacy setting, so for me that is our intimate moments. Her viewpoint is that we have different intimate moments in her eyes, which I'm not disagreeing with but they are not what I see. And to be a hundred percent honest, there's this image burned in my brain that is when during sex the way she looks at me and holds me is something she only does while having sex. To me, that is one of the most intimate moments we ever have and I feel like I'm missing a lot more now.

 

Again, thanks all for your support and comments.

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Sarah-Sylvia

@Paulguy21 I hope it gets better for you both ;)
I think it's probably a thing of perception that you see the sexual moments as the most intimate, because if she is asexual then she probably feels differently. I can't speak for her though, but for me, because my language of love is physical affection (that's not sexual); being close, cuddling and caressing (etc) is when I feel the most intimacy. For some who're less sensual, it can be good moments where they feel connected, or are laughing together, etc.

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On 1/5/2021 at 12:58 PM, Paulguy21 said:

With the ADHD she tends to get scatterbrained sometimes and forgets that I have needs in that fashion. So I feel compelled not to bring it up, but she forgets about it so never necessarily starts anything. So it's a weird cycle I'm not sure how to break.

A lot of other aspects have been discussed already, so just another quick thought on this part: Maybe this specific aspect that she just forgets to initiate could be dealt with the same way people deal with forgetting other things: Maybe she could use reminders like entries in her calender, a post-it on her computer or whatever.

Personally, I prefer that my sexual partner also initiates sometimes (if it's without pressure) and it's not just my job - not only because I might forget it, but also because I think my motivation to have sex is higher when I'm reminded that he wants it and it's important to him (even though I know this in an abstract, intellectual way, it's different to really experience it).

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Mountain House
3 hours ago, LoveNotSex? said:

Maybe she could use reminders

That ends up making it a chore and that doesn't work for either of us.

 

3 hours ago, LoveNotSex? said:

Personally, I prefer that my sexual partner also initiates sometimes (if it's without pressure) and it's not just my job - not only because I might forget it, but also because I think my motivation to have sex is higher when I'm reminded that he wants it and it's important to him (even though I know this in an abstract, intellectual way, it's different to really experience it).

She said "Yes! That's what I've been saying."  A couple of months ago my wife said that we had progressed to the point that she was ready for me to initiate and it has been a little tough for me to drop my insecurities around feeling like I'm coercing her or I'm going to be rejected.  I guess old feelings die hard.  We are getting there and this helps.

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