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Is it possible to want sex to be close with someone and not be sexually attracted to them?


lustrousoul

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UPDATE 1/12/21

hey all! So I’ve learned a lot about myself since making this post and I thought I’d update you all. 

I took a deeper look at what I thought was a “want” for sex in the future and realized it was very much tied to my religion. I’ve been Christian all my life and sex has always been something that both my parents and my church told me would give me a connection with my future partner that was unlike any other; human connection and emotional connection are very important to me, so constantly hearing that sex was the only way to ‘complete the bond’ with my future partner became ingrained in my head. 


I have no future partner currently, all the relationships I’ve had I’ve never felt sexually attracted to. I can only think about sex in the abstract when I imagine myself with a husband. But the “want” for future sex that I feel now has nothing to do with attraction and everything to do with being afraid that I’ll miss out on what Christians call God’s greatest gift. In reality and in my experience throughout my 21 years of life, I’ve always been ambivalent about sex. I don’t care about it, I don’t need it, and I most definitely have never been drawn to a person in a way that made me want to be sexual with them. 
 

ORIGINAL POST:

 

I’ve never had sex and have never felt sexual attraction toward another person as far as I’m concerned. But I’m definitely sex favorable as I don’t hate the thought of sex. I also have quite a high libido and mostly masturbate because it feels good and I like to fantasize in the 3rd person about my favorite characters. 


When I think about eventually finding a best friend and getting married to them, I don’t know if I’d feel the desire to have sex with them—mostly because I don’t know if I can feel the desire at all, only time will tell. But the other reasons I’d want to have sex with them at all besides sexual attraction would be to be close emotionally, to make them feel good, to make myself feel physically good, and mostly because it’s an absolute form of trust for me. I suppose my question is, is any of this considered sexual attraction?

 

Now granted I’m speaking for future me years down the line, so I suppose everything is in hypotheticals. But this question is the only thing keeping me from deciphering whether I’m ace or grey-ace/demi.

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2 hours ago, lustrousoul said:

But the other reasons I’d want to have sex with them at all besides sexual attraction would be to be close emotionally, to make them feel good, to make myself feel physically good, and mostly because it’s an absolute form of trust for me. I suppose my question is, is any of this considered sexual attraction?

Yes this can be a form of sexual attraction.

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everywhere and nowhere
34 minutes ago, theV0ID said:

Yes this can be a form of sexual attraction.

That's it.

THE IDEA THAT SEXUAL ATTRACTION HAS TO BE BASED ON APPEARANCE IS SIMPLY FALSE!!!

Sorry for the CapsLock, but this is getting so common that we really need to do something about the misconceptions.

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IMO, no.  Wanting sex with someone is pretty much the clearest possible way that sexual attraction can manifest -- like, it can't get any clearer than that.

 

Quote

But the other reasons I’d want to have sex with them at all besides sexual attraction would be to be close emotionally, to make them feel good, to make myself feel physically good, and mostly because it’s an absolute form of trust for me.

Those are all potential reasons that sexual people desire/have sex.

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Janus the Fox

A reminder that having sex itself for reasons other than Sexual Attraction or Sexual Desire isn’t the full story of an attraction or Sexualty.

It isn’t simple any the grey area isn’t black or white, yes or no, sexuality or Asexuality.

 

Moved to The Grey Area, Sex and Related Discussions

 

Janus DarkFox

Weekends Asexual Relationships, Current Questions about Asexuality, Asexual Musings and Rantings & Open Mic Moderator

 

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yes the sensation of sex is still nice and alot of romantic asexuals do it to please their parters wants

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But the other reasons I’d want to have sex with them at all besides sexual attraction would be to be close emotionally, to make them feel good, to make myself feel physically good, and mostly because it’s an absolute form of trust for me.

 

These are examples of how sexual attraction manifests itself. I'm extremely close to my best friend emotionally, I trust her absolutely, but I don't feel like having sex with her is the method through which I show these feelings to her, and I certainly have absolutely no desire to physically please myself by having sex with her.

 

My sister is sexual, and she views her sexuality as expressions similar to this.

To want to have sex for these reasons is to be sexual.

Sex doesn't indicate emotional closeness to me. I can't imagine voluntarily having sex with the goal of satisfying myself - I'm 100% content to stick to masturbatory behavior and including anyone else in those moments, for any reason, sounds unbearably uncomfortable and undesirable. I don't feel like having sex indicates an "absolute form of trust" to me.

 

To want to have sex to make them feel good, though, that's a reason that an asexual person would be willing to have sex, but still totally count as an asexual person - they aren't getting anything out of it other than the joy of making their partner happy, but sex, for them, is totally unnecessary to show how close they are to their partner, how much they trust their partner, or their ideal method of physically satisfying themselves. They're just willing to accommodate their partner as a compromise for them.

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Granite4Breakfast

Welp with what everyone else is saying in this thread apparently I'm probably not acespec either

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7 hours ago, lustrousoul said:

But the other reasons I’d want to have sex with them at all besides sexual attraction would be to be close emotionally, to make them feel good, to make myself feel physically good, and mostly because it’s an absolute form of trust for me.

How do you know how you would feel about something that you haven't done yet with a person you haven't met yet?

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6 hours ago, theV0ID said:

Yes this can be a form of sexual attraction.

So then I’m most likely Demi/gray then. My only problem is I’ve never felt this way about a specific person ever, so I’ve yet to actually experience it in the raw. 

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cinnamon-fae

Engaging in sex for physical pleasure or to please a partner may not necessarily be driven by sexual attraction. Engaging in it to feel closer or to express intimacy is more likely a manifestation of sexual attraction. 

You may still be demi or gray-asexual. It's also hard to grasp because, as you've said, you've not actually had these feelings yet, you're just hypothesizing (unless I've misunderstood). 

I do know of at least one alloromantic asexual who engages in sex entirely for emotional connection to her partner and enjoys it. She still identifies as ace because without the prompting of her partner she would have no interest in having sex, and its been a consistent pattern in her life that she "tolerates" sex rather than actively desiring it or seeking it out. 

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everywhere and nowhere
3 hours ago, lustrousoul said:

So then I’m most likely Demi/gray then. My only problem is I’ve never felt this way about a specific person ever, so I’ve yet to actually experience it in the raw. 

Like the others, I think that you probably aren't asexual. However... there is a more complicated possibility, indicated by the fact that it's not what you actually feel, but rather what you beieve that you could feel in the right circumstances. Sorry to others who might think that I'm messing up with this poor little enby's head ;) and just confusing people, but it's for the sake of a little antisexual rant (or rather anti-sex-normative, because I'm not against sex, but absolutely against sex normativity). Is it perhaps... that you believe that you could feel this way because this is what society and culture has fed to you as what is "intimate", "beautiful", "mature" and so on? And no, sex is not the "ultimate form of trust", nor is it a more perfect expression of emotional closeness. I favour the approach of "relationship anarchy": there need not be a top-down rule governing all close interpersonal relationships, people can start from scratch and choose the rules which are going to be in force within their bond by themselves.

Maybe this is in fact the ultimate form of trust: to give people authority over their own thoughtfeeling. And I still nevertheless greatly appreciate what @Snao Cone wrote on New Year's Eve, clarifying misunderstandings of some terms. But ultimately, "the individual is the only judge" over their own thoughtfeeling, can gain enough understanding through introspection and need no rational (which is almost a bad word for me...), statistical, disorder-seeking expert knowledge.

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It's okay to say you're still questioning, if this is all still hypothetical. It took me a long time to realize I'm asexual because my attitudes towards sex and my imagination didn't preclude it, even though every time I tried it I came out disappointed. Just keep reassessing yourself as you experience new things, and don't bend the truth to fit a label. You might find if you get close to someone you still have no interest in pursuing sex, which would mean you're probably asexual. Or, you might find that it provides the right circumstances for your sexuality to thrive, in which case you're not asexual. Just don't deny yourself either way, and don't feel pressured to stay in line with one word or another. 

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Alejandrogynous

Just popping in to say, not hating the thought of sex doesn't automatically make you sex favorable (or indifferent, for that matter). I didn't hate the thought of having sex before I knew I was ace, and even now as a sex-adverse asexual, I'm not so much repulsed by the idea than I've just accepted that I don't enjoy sex and won't be having any more. I also have a high libido and fantasize exclusively in the third person.


This isn't to discourage you from trying sex, just advice to not assume how you'll feel in the moment, and to know that you don't have to pick a label or commit either way to something you haven't tried yet. It's okay to be questioning and take each new experience as it comes.

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1 hour ago, Nowhere Girl said:

Like the others, I think that you probably aren't asexual. However... there is a more complicated possibility, indicated by the fact that it's not what you actually feel, but rather what you beieve that you could feel in the right circumstances. Sorry to others who might think that I'm messing up with this poor little enby's head ;) and just confusing people, but it's for the sake of a little antisexual rant (or rather anti-sex-normative, because I'm not against sex, but absolutely against sex normativity). Is it perhaps... that you believe that you could feel this way because this is what society and culture has fed to you as what is "intimate", "beautiful", "mature" and so on? And no, sex is not the "ultimate form of trust", nor is it a more perfect expression of emotional closeness. I favour the approach of "relationship anarchy": there need not be a top-down rule governing all close interpersonal relationships, people can start from scratch and choose the rules which are going to be in force within their bond by themselves.

Maybe this is in fact the ultimate form of trust: to give people authority over their own thoughtfeeling. And I still nevertheless greatly appreciate what @Snao Cone wrote on New Year's Eve, clarifying misunderstandings of some terms. But ultimately, "the individual is the only judge" over their own thoughtfeeling, can gain enough understanding through introspection and need no rational (which is almost a bad word for me...), statistical, disorder-seeking expert knowledge.

This is interesting to me. I gave it some more thought this morning and another thought came to my head. I’m very religious and that has often taught me that sex is beautiful—not that it isn’t—and that it’s the endgame of relationships because you get married SO you can have sex, among wanting to be with that person for the rest of your life. But that’s never been it for me, the sex has never been my priority and I’ve found it ridiculously easy to abstain from it. 
When I think of a married relationship without sex I think I’m afraid I’ll be missing something, but then again I have no idea how I’ll actually feel. So far I’ve been in two relationships—none lasted more than 2 months—and I’m 21. Both times I felt nothing for the other person physically; if anything physical contact made me feel awkward and weird, but perhaps that’s just inexperience. 
 

But it’s odd because the thought of eventually having sex with a spouse is so far off and disconnected from my current reality that I guess I really won’t know how I’ll feel when it finally happens.

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everywhere and nowhere

By the way, sorry for the misgendering. I just... looked one post up and immediately forgot that its author it not the OP...

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yep... definitely!  I have done it quite a few times without experiencing sexual attraction because I want to be emotionally close and intimate with the person.  However I don't think I ever enjoyed it as much as the other person unfortunately or I enjoyed it up to a point and then I was bored.

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everywhere and nowhere

I would like to propose a simple test for the "desire without attraction" crowd and people expressing similar attitudes. When they claim that they don't experience sexual attraction, maybe just ask them: OK, so what are the characteristics of an experience which, in your opinion, is sexual attraction?...

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Sarah-Sylvia

Why not just be close and intimate without sex?

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AceMissBehaving

As someone who grew up without understanding asexuality as a possibility, I tried to have sexual relationships with people because  it’s something I thought had to happen, and eventually it would click like people kept telling me it would. Partners would initiate it, I’d go along with it, sometimes it was it was fun, but it was always unsustainable because it wasn’t who I was. 
 

It’s definitely possible to have sex because someone else needs and desires it, it can even be enjoyable, but in my experience at least it gets harder and harder to do, and ended up making me feel less connected to my partners.

 

If you find it’s something you end up being drawn to that’s awesome, if it’s not then there are ways to build that emotional bond with someone that don’t involve sex. It’s just a matter of finding out what you’re wired for, and leaning into the things you do want and and need.

 

It takes time to figure these things out, and there’s no quick way to find all the answers. Questioning is a perfectly valid position to be in. It’s kind of neat because it’s part of life that really is all about possibility and discovery 

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I consider the term "sexual attraction" still confusing. I used to think my whole life that I experience sexual attraction without want to have sex because I wanted to be close to someone in romantic, emotional way. But the thought about sex always makes me feel uncomfortable, thinking about it like some duty to highlight the relationship. Few times I was in written contact with someone, whose became close to me because of intelligence, we shared same life opinions and values. But I refused to meet with him because I was afraid that our relationship would have to lead to sex. I have to say that I find very rarely someone sex-appealing to me physically and I don't want to even hug with person whose doesn't look attractive to me. Now I'm not talking about same sex persons - I hug my best friend, but I'm heteroromantic, so it is exclusively connected to opposite sex. I can't never ever understand why people have sex only because of sake of sex and I think that is one of reasons behind sexual attraction. They desire sexual connection without emotions just becuase of sexual attraction. I don't know, maybe I'm wrong. I was in relationship almost for three years and I loved him, but I do not desired to have sex or sexual activities - like touching genitals with him. And that was the reason of break up. He was definitely sexual and still waiting for me and it turned out like waiting for Godot  :D That's why I started to consider myslef as asexual. I'm single for years and I'm ok with it. But I'm still wondering what if he was just wrong person for me and one day I will meet someone who will be the right person and after long time of deep emotional connection I will start to desire sexual connection? Can I transform to demisexual then? Or even sexual? 😮 For now sex still feels impossible for me and I find it gross - but only if I'm thinking about myself or my gender in that situation. I can't imagine to have sex and find it enjoying. Also I've never had sex. But I like the abstract idea of sex and can fantasize about it exclusively in the third person. Mostly by reading gay smut in fanfictions (of course it has includes romantic and emotional bond, they have to deeply love each other) and I find it emotionally satisfying and I'm also kind of turned on by it. After all of that can I be still asexual/gray?

 

I hope my feelings make sense. Sorry if it sounds chaotic.. :(  

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34 minutes ago, Taemi said:

But I like the abstract idea of sex and can fantasize about it exclusively in the third person. Mostly by reading gay smut in fanfictions (of course it has includes romantic and emotional bond, they have to deeply love each other) and I find it emotionally satisfying and I'm also kind of turned on by it. After all of that can I be still asexual/gray?

 

I hope my feelings make sense. Sorry if it sounds chaotic.. :(  

In addition - Sometimes I think I like also abstract idea of love more than real idea of being in relationship. If I imagine to be in romantic relationship, it feels kind of bothersome for me, like I will have to give up of my personal freedom. 

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On 1/5/2021 at 8:41 AM, lustrousoul said:

But the other reasons I’d want to have sex with them at all besides sexual attraction would be to be close emotionally, to make them feel good, to make myself feel physically good, and mostly because it’s an absolute form of trust for me.

I agree with the others that this sounds like a form of sexual attraction / desire.

However, I suppose that there might be another option, where "wanting" something is meant in a rational, not directly emotional way, which might be asexual:

If I know that my partner wants sex and that for them (and/or for people in general), it's an important sign of love, intimacy and trust, I might "want" to have sex with them as a result of a logical analysis (which might become kind of a subconcious habit after having thought it repeatedly) like:
Having sex -> they feel that they are closer to me emotionally than before/without sex, they feel more trust, I can be more sure that they love me, ... -> our relationship / level of emotional closeness and trust in general improves afterwards (because of the partner's attitude and behavior) -> having sex leads to a better relationship than not having it (and I like making my partner feel good and the physical feeling for me is quite good either) -> I rather "want" sex than not "wanting it".

I think that's a reason why I slightly prefer to have sex (= "wanting" ?) in relationships with allosexuals (at least if it's not too often), which is part of my confusion about whether I'm gray-asexual or maybe a sex-favourable asexual.

Maybe a good question to ask yourself might be something like: If I had an asexual partner (who is sex indifferent), would I want to have sex, would I miss it if I never had it? If the answer is still a yes (due to the quoted reasons) it points to being allosexual, if it's a no (either as "I prefer not to have sex" or "I don't care whether I'd have sex or not") it's probably asexuality.

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Blue eyes white dragon
On 1/5/2021 at 12:41 AM, lustrousoul said:


I took a deeper look at what I thought was a “want” for sex in the future and realized it was very much tied to my religion. I’ve been Christian all my life and sex has always been something that both my parents and my church told me would give me a connection with my future partner that was unlike any other; human connection and emotional connection are very important to me, so constantly hearing that sex was the only way to ‘complete the bond’ with my future partner became ingrained in my head. 


I have no future partner currently, all the relationships I’ve had I’ve never felt sexually attracted to. I can only think about sex in the abstract when I imagine myself with a husband. But the “want” for future sex that I feel now has nothing to do with attraction and everything to do with being afraid that I’ll miss out on what Christians call God’s greatest gift. In reality and in my experience throughout my 21 years of life, I’ve always been ambivalent about sex. I don’t care about it, I don’t need it, and I most definitely have never been drawn to a person in a way that made me want to be sexual with them.

This is pretty close to my thoughts. It definitely was hard realizing that it's not something I need to want as long as my future husband and I are in agreement with each other. It's sad that the church doesnt really talk about this fully

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