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I hate being heteroromantic.


RobL2415

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There's always been this drive in me going, "I need a relationship. I need it. I need it.  I EFFING NEED IT."

 

Well, I hate needing it. I don't want to need it, I want to have it.

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I think you sholud visit the dating app master list here on AVEN. And there are lot of fb groups too, like Asexual Cupid

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Hi Rob, I feel you. I mean, personally I don't feel the drive to "need" a relationship, but I do really enjoy the thrill of liking someone/having crushes and developing a relationship. Being with someone romantically is a great feeling for me, but I am ok on my own too. I understand the struggle of wanting love and a relationship, but being ace and unable to give the other person (usually allo) what they want sexually. It is definitely a pain, I'll commiserate with you on that. 🍰

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You can be alloromantic and not "need" a relationship, I think.

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11 minutes ago, alto said:

You can be alloromantic and not "need" a relationship, I think.

I think this is true. I totally understand the desire to have a relationship, and I share that desire, but can you identify what it is that makes your need so strong and overpowering? It's possible your unhappiness goes beyond just being single.

 

What do you feel that you need from another person that you're not getting from your current relationships -- with friends, family, etc. -- and are you mentally and emotionally prepared to give exactly that in turn? Relationships are hard work in both directions, and it's easy to assume that being in one will solve all of one's problems, but any effort to partner with another person will involve a lot of conflict and struggle of its own.

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1 hour ago, SocialMorays said:

I think this is true. I totally understand the desire to have a relationship, and I share that desire, but can you identify what it is that makes your need so strong and overpowering? It's possible your unhappiness goes beyond just being single.

 

What do you feel that you need from another person that you're not getting from your current relationships -- with friends, family, etc. -- and are you mentally and emotionally prepared to give exactly that in turn? Relationships are hard work in both directions, and it's easy to assume that being in one will solve all of one's problems, but any effort to partner with another person will involve a lot of conflict and struggle of its own.

This is a very good question and I think the reason is that I missed having one in high school, I missed having one in college, and now I'm 27 and missing it worse than before.

 

I have a child-like innocence about romance because I've never actually experienced it before and hate watching everyone else rub theirs in my face.

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Oh ... wow yeah that sounds like a nightmare.. I'm so sorry you have to deal with that. 😧

 

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Purple Red Panda
26 minutes ago, RobL2415 said:

I have a child-like innocence about romance because I've never actually experienced it before and hate watching everyone else rub theirs in my face.

I honestly get how you feel. I've never really had anyone special in my life like that and I see other people who are enjoying being in relationships and seem so in love and it does hurt, sometimes a lot. I know it's hard but bitterness is not going to help you (I need to tell myself this all the time) it's only going to make your emotional state worse.

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I can relate. I don't know if I would say I hate it per say, but I definitely can find it frustrating.

 

I have always wanted a relationship on some level, but when I was younger I didn't care so much. I only really started strongly desiring a real relationship maybe about a year or two ago. Lately, I feel I really really want it, which I think is partly amplified by the pandemic. It has socially cut me off and I have felt really lonely through it. I am really craving some constant and reliable social support, which just seems like too much to ask from my friends who don't even live in the same city and lead busy lives and have partners. They are still great friends, but I'd just really like to be near the top of someone's priority list and have someone who is actually physically present in my life on a regular basis who I can trust to stick around. I feel like most of my life has been making friends and then losing them to physical distance, and I think it has made me a little bitter. Just over the past 2 years I've had 7 friends move away, some new, some old. I keep in touch with most of them, but it just isn't the same. Both my roommates have partners, and just don't really have time to pay attention to little ole me, always single, with no friends to hang out with and no job to keep my mind occupied. 

 

I've never had a serious relationship, just some short lived more casual ones, and those were only in the past year and a bit. I feel quite insecure about my lack of experience in that and sometimes get really down on myself for it. But if I really think about it, I think I would be a great partner to someone if given the chance. But, then I get worried about never finding someone I am actually compatible with and just having this feeling persist.

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Also, it just appears like everyone else has such an easy time finding love, which I know isn't necessarily true and I probably just don't witness a lot of their struggle. And they are able to find that not just one time, but multiple times, and I just can't quite wrap my head around that. 

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1 hour ago, TheRister said:

Also, it just appears like everyone else has such an easy time finding love, which I know isn't necessarily true and I probably just don't witness a lot of their struggle. And they are able to find that not just one time, but multiple times, and I just can't quite wrap my head around that. 

It's unfair.

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51 minutes ago, RobL2415 said:

It's unfair.

Unfortunately, we were never promised fairness.

 

I agree with @Purple Red Panda here -- being alone hurts a lot and I completely get it. Both of my closest friends are in happy long-term relationships, and I often feel like the odd one out. That being said, fixating on the perceived happiness of others will only worsen the negative feelings. The most important part is to work on yourself, and do everything you can to put yourself out there and create the best environment for opportunities to come along.

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Purple Red Panda
2 hours ago, TheRister said:

Also, it just appears like everyone else has such an easy time finding love, which I know isn't necessarily true and I probably just don't witness a lot of their struggle. And they are able to find that not just one time, but multiple times, and I just can't quite wrap my head around that. 

I feel this as well. Irl I'm probably one of the most romantically unsuccessful people I know and I fully get that finding love isn't a piece of cake for everyone else but most people I know seem to have managed to do so at some point even if it didn't last and I really haven't. The whole 'you'll meet someone eventually' thing has worn very thin after roughly 25 years of people saying it to me and I feel I have to accept that maybe I actually won't. There is a real and awful sadness attached to that because it is one of the few things in life that I really want but for my own sanity I need to find ways to cope with the idea that I may remain single. It feels like it is the end of the world sometimes and I know it isn't but sometimes it does just feel like that. I'm not going to give up trying yet but I'm hoping once society has returned to something approaching normal I'll at least be able see my friends more often and hopefully try some new things and maybe meet more people and make new friendships.

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1 hour ago, Purple Red Panda said:

The whole 'you'll meet someone eventually' thing has worn very thin after roughly 25 years of people saying it to me and I feel I have to accept that maybe I actually won't.

Perhaps a better response, such as, "That's nice, I'm sure you're doing well for yourself," is warranted.

Or maybe, "Cool, how do you spend your free time?"

Basically any response that doesn't illude to your loneliness.

 

Quote

I'm not going to give up trying

Me either, but I've given up on society helping me get there. It's just gonna be one long brutal climb.

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2 hours ago, SocialMorays said:

Unfortunately, we were never promised fairness.

 

I agree with @Purple Red Panda here -- being alone hurts a lot and I completely get it. Both of my closest friends are in happy long-term relationships, and I often feel like the odd one out. That being said, fixating on the perceived happiness of others will only worsen the negative feelings. The most important part is to work on yourself, and do everything you can to put yourself out there and create the best environment for opportunities to come along.

What if the best environment is, despite my desires, one without an opportunity for a romantic relationship?

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19 minutes ago, RobL2415 said:

What if the best environment is, despite my desires, one without an opportunity for a romantic relationship?

Opportunities often arise when we least expect them. I know that's cliched as fuck, but it really is true. I've known plenty of couples who met when one or both had no intention of meeting someone; it just happened.
 

The ideal environment is one in which you're open-minded, meeting lots of people, and not closing yourself off because you fear rejection. Obviously COVID makes that second one a lot harder, but once in-person meet-ups are a thing again, definitely start doing those. Join clubs. Ask your friends to introduce you to some of their friends. Go places where people hang out and and see what happens. Pursue things that interest or excite you, in a group context whenever possible, and you may just run into someone on your wavelength.

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On 1/3/2021 at 12:33 PM, RobL2415 said:

I have a child-like innocence about romance because I've never actually experienced it before 

The secret of success is: keep the child-like innocence about it ever-after experiencing romance ...

Life on earth can be an ongoing romance ...

It all depends on one's own notion of romance ...

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Maelstrom_17
On 1/3/2021 at 5:52 PM, Purple Red Panda said:

I feel this as well. Irl I'm probably one of the most romantically unsuccessful people I know and I fully get that finding love isn't a piece of cake for everyone else but most people I know seem to have managed to do so at some point even if it didn't last and I really haven't. The whole 'you'll meet someone eventually' thing has worn very thin after roughly 25 years of people saying it to me and I feel I have to accept that maybe I actually won't. There is a real and awful sadness attached to that because it is one of the few things in life that I really want but for my own sanity I need to find ways to cope with the idea that I may remain single. It feels like it is the end of the world sometimes and I know it isn't but sometimes it does just feel like that. I'm not going to give up trying yet but I'm hoping once society has returned to something approaching normal I'll at least be able see my friends more often and hopefully try some new things and maybe meet more people and make new friendships.

Granted, take what i'm saying with a grain of salt since I'm aromantic and I"m looking for QPRs, not romantic relationships. However, I can relate to what you wrote above, for a while I felt pretty awful that I didn't have someone that I was committed to, and like you, needed to cope with being alone and being single for an extended period of time. Hope you feel better!

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