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Naiwen's personal Questions and Musings as an Aro-Ace


Naiwen

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Secret admirers, no. Someone who was (openly) into me once bought me several very expensive items. It was a bit uncomfortable because I wasn't that close to her at that point, certainly not where giving really expensive gifts would've seemed normal. The dynamic as a whole ended up very unhealthy, and in retrospect I should've paid more heed to being showered with intense attention.

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Hi, I feel this so hard right now. I haven't had any presents from "secret admirers" because everyone who knows me is terrified of me and/or very used to my "love is an pretty illusion you made for yourself" rants (I did not know aro was a thing until fairly recently). But just the constant "LOOK ROMANCE! YOU SHOULD BE IN LOOOOVE!" for the last month hurts me in my soul. 

 

But on the bright side, I can still laugh at people spending ridiculous amounts of money on a holiday made up by card companies.

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Oberon Jasper

I personally feel v-day should be more a day where you and your so if you have or want one just cuddle and watch some cheesy movie you like. I don't understand the commercialization of it... I just would like it if it was just a day for people to be cute and cuddly.

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Kinda surprised Valentines day is happening at all considering there's no opportunities to "meet" anybody new, or go anywhere without a mask 😕

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7 minutes ago, Cosmic Latte said:

Kinda surprised Valentines day is happening at all considering there's no opportunities to "meet" anybody new, or go anywhere without a mask 😕

I mean, many people have established partners, and if they wish to acknowledge the day, they can do stuff at home if they live together or in various ways from a distance if they don't. Valentine's Day isn't about meeting new people...

 

Not that I have Big Plans myself, but COVID doesn't have to be a completely limiting factor if couples want to acknowledge the day.

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Blue eyes white dragon

I absolutely despise the commercialism and fakeness of all holidays, but valentine's day is worse because others shaming you for not being in a relationship. And no, I've never had any presents or confessions of love given to me. I'm not what people look for so at least I don't have to deal with situations like that.

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V-day is my birthday and honestly im okay with that but thats not my problem my problem is I have 2 crushes and we all like eachother but idk what the guys going to bo cause hes the only one who wants to date/ready and everythings so confusing...ugh...

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Just now, Marinette Agreste said:

I absolutely despise the commercialism and fakeness of all holidays, but valentine's day is worse because others shaming you for not being in a relationship. And no, I've never had any presents or confessions of love given to me. I'm not what people look for so at least I don't have to deal with situations like that.

People shame you for not being in a relationship?? where do you live?? honestly where I live its no big deal..its just a holiday and to my parents my birthday and now I realize I ruin my parents v-day every year 0-0

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1 hour ago, Naiwen said:

V-day is still about a few days away from now.

oh no

oh no

 

what will they (my school) do for v-day

*screams violently*

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1 minute ago, CBC said:

I mean, many people have established partners, and if they wish to acknowledge the day, they can do stuff at home if they live together or in various ways from a distance if they don't. Valentine's Day isn't about meeting new people...

you're right, couples could stay home, but I wonder how many will 🤔

 

and as mentioned in this thread, there's a huge amount of pressure to have a relationship or to be in a relationship on Valentines day, even if it's just for that day, that's why I used that phrasing, because a lot of people are fine being single until Valentines day

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Hrmm yeah, maybe. I guess I've just never paid too much attention to the whole thing whether in a relationship or not. Never really had strong feelings on the matter.

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Blue eyes white dragon
15 minutes ago, SmileLillie said:

People shame you for not being in a relationship?? where do you live

Lol, its usually nosy adults or rude peers that I stay away from.

 

16 minutes ago, SmileLillie said:

I ruin my parents v-day every year 0-0

I mean you probably remind them of V day more rather than you ruin it... 

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17 minutes ago, SmileLillie said:

honestly where I live its no big deal

Same, most people I know don't really celebrate it other than giving each other chocolate 

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Janus the Fox

Personally I've had nothing as I don't get into the situation of having secret admirers, the day is otherwise just a regular day to me.

 

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Janus DarkFox

Weekends Asexual Relationships, Current Questions about Asexuality, Asexual Musings and Rantings & Open Mic Moderator

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I’ve just found out that a friend is in love with me and thinks it’s because he’s not handsome or sexy enough for me to fall for him. He doesn’t understand asexuality and aromanticism one bit.

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46 minutes ago, Sky Tune Rein said:

Have you tried deleting him?

The thing is, if I do that, I’ll have to delete all my friends in that circle too.

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1 hour ago, Naiwen said:

He doesn’t understand asexually and aromanticism one bit.

If this is the main issue, I found these to be super helpful when I was questioning, and later when I came out to my best friend (I'm awful at explainations so I almost always find other stuff to explain my point for me)

 

In-depth explaination of ace/aro stuff:

Spoiler

https://youtu.be/tQVvVhe6EPc

 

https://youtu.be/8o-l20NAsI8

 

https://youtu.be/OgxWqDoLmtw

 

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So the thing is, he may never be able to understand asexuality or aromanticism. BUT. If he's actually a true friend, he should respect your lack of interest no matter what the reason. Friends care about their friends' feelings and wants and needs. If you were gay, he should respect that. If you already had a partner, he should respect that. If you were romantic and sexual but uninterested in a relationship with him specifically, for literally any reason, he should respect that. If you were romantic and sexual but uninterested in a relationship with anyone right now, he should respect that. And so on. My point being, if he persists, he's not being a good friend and you should limit your contact with him as much as possible. (I'd say ditch him altogether, but you seem to think that's not doable.)

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28 minutes ago, CBC said:

So the thing is, he may never be able to understand asexuality or aromanticism. BUT. If he's actually a true friend, he should respect your lack of interest no matter what the reason. Friends care about their friends' feelings and wants and needs. If you were gay, he should respect that. If you already had a partner, he should respect that. If you were romantic and sexual but uninterested in a relationship with him specifically, for literally any reason, he should respect that. If you were romantic and sexual but uninterested in a relationship with anyone right now, he should respect that. And so on. My point being, if he persists, he's not being a good friend and you should limit your contact with him as much as possible. (I'd say ditch him altogether, but you seem to think that's not doable.)

I totally agree.

Aro/ace people often think that other people treat them in some bad way because they are aro/ace, when in actuality many people are just jerks. For example, I've read many posts here from ace women about how partners constantly pressured them into sex, used emotional blackmail etc. because they were ace. But no - it's just because their partners didn't respect their personal borders and acted selfishly, or they have some emotional problems that they can't handle.

What you can do is look at your friend's actions disregarding your asexuality - is it OK to behave this way? Then you can decide whether you want to continue communicating with him.

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I’ve blocked them since they keep on pressuring me to have a relationship and sex with him.

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brbdogsonfire
On 2/8/2021 at 8:30 AM, Naiwen said:

I’ve blocked them since they keep on pressuring me to have a relationship and sex with him.

Sounds like they are all fake friends. I wish this was not so common. Sadly it swings both ways as I have lost friends and been pushed out of friend groups for refusing to date people.

 

 

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On 2/5/2021 at 7:12 PM, Kieran :) said:

just would like it if it was just a day for people to be cute and cuddly.

same tho

 

why does everyone mke vday such a big deal?

Hey, I'm the one who's jealous that Pizza Pizza is offering a HEART SHAPED pizza, and It's a valentine's day thing

i WANT that thing so bad, even if i'm SINGLE

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I used to obsess over my Periods a lot personally! But not now anymore with 8-9 years in therapy, on meds, being on disability for life and seeing a psychiatrist. I've learned to accept it as a part of me, but I have to do it with me being a human being too, it's a highly difficult task for me currently in life personally because I don't even wanna be human. But maybe some members on the community can help me accept my human nature better? I used to feel disgusted and grossed out by my blackish and brownish discharges too, and ovulation. But with birth control, I feel a lot better with it. I still don't feel neither female or male though, I just am. Period. 

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6 hours ago, A User said:

same tho

 

why does everyone mke vday such a big deal?

Hey, I'm the one who's jealous that Pizza Pizza is offering a HEART SHAPED pizza, and It's a valentine's day thing

i WANT that thing so bad, even if i'm SINGLE

You can buy it for yourself?  What's wrong with that? I see it as a time to spoil and indulge yourself to something that you really want.

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Online vs Offline Socializing and Communication? I find it fun online because I can think and choose about what to say before typing it out, where as offline with real human beings, I don't even have a moment to think and choose about what to say before saying it without hurting the other person, or being in a crisis already. I just find real time with live human beings socializing and communication so awkward and uncomfortable for me personally. But online socializing and human connection is a must and a basic necessity in my life for me personally. Hence why I post daily so much on Aven, to feel connected to fellow human beings with common interests and things to talk about. I shop online too even for my groceries. They are delivered to my house weekly by a delivery woman for free as I'm on disability for life as are my medications, that way I don't have to go outside the house more than necessary or socialize with awkward and random perfect strangers. Been like that for a whole year, never felt any better both mentally and physically, more free, more stable emotionally and happier for me personally. That's how I function personally I guess daily. To each their own though and I respect that too. Just don't shove down my face, please thanks. 

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i'm also disabled and very happy to just be by myself in  my house. life is easier when i stay home. occasionally i go out and i do enjoy socializing with people that I trust enough to do so. i use social media and forums as a way to connect with people. it's fine. i get that people enjoy socializing and to some extent I used to but i didn't realize how much it was draining me. i really like my video games, my work, my family and my cat.
i wish in my community we had disabled services like yours apparently has. i had to adjust to getting things i needed without leaving the house (i order a lot online) and where i'm at as soon as the pandemic hit people were not prepared in the ways i have adapted. they can not handle the cabin fever and the lack of control they used to have in their lives. but i am at home as i have been for awhile, with my stocked up supplies, as I have been doing for years.

 

everyone is different in what they need and want. what works for me may not work for others.

I will say that my decreased shopping trips and eventual end to shopping trips has made me grateful that old men can no longer follow me around the store and make comments like "i keep seeing you everywhere i go." please sir this is a kroger not a nightclub. was just thinking about that today.

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Janus the Fox

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Janus DarkFox

Weekends Asexual Relationships, Current Questions about Asexuality, Asexual Musings and Rantings & Open Mic Moderator

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Janus the Fox

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Janus DarkFox

Weekends Asexual Relationships, Current Questions about Asexuality, Asexual Musings and Rantings & Open Mic Moderator

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