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I need a little help understanding a/romance!


Vemmaren

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Warning: Wall of Text incoming! 1000 pieces of appreciation cake to anyone who bothers reading all this.

 

This line came up in another discussion: According to a few people I have spoken to, "you can't love someone romantically without having sex with them, without the sex you are just best friends." (In the context of sexual people equating love and sex)

 

I have no idea if its possible to quote someone in another thread, and I didn't want to derail that one by asking these questions. But that statement didn't bother me one bit personally, and I was expecting it to (obviously its a bit ignorant towards ace people).

 

The point being, since I identified as asexual, and learned that something called aromantic also existed, I thought that wasn't me but now I'm questioning what I am, and its not that I need to find a label but more that I want to understand myself and others better.

 

I've had several romantic relationships in the past, some long term and some short lived, but all of them have had problems because I couldn't move forward in the relationship the way the other person wanted (and not just about sex). However, its clear to me that the very best relationship I ever had was with a girl I considered my best friend. We did everything together, but nothing physical really. It was nice to sit close to her but I wouldn't say it wasn't ever cuddling. We could spend time together but didn't feel the need to pay constant attention to each other and it was nice. Harmonious is the word that comes to mind. 

 

That friendship ended when she wanted to start really dating and I kind of freaked out. I've always regretted not trying to find a way to make it work. I later dated several other women, one of which convinced me to try a few more sexual things and that only ended in frustration for both of us. 

 

Now I'm reading about aromantics and QPRs and its difficult for me to understand the difference between that and a regular romantic relationship, maybe because what I've always seen as my ideal romantic relationship isn't really so romantic at all?

 

I always thought I was romantic because I do want that special relationship with someone, and I like the idea of romance. I'm 26 and I can't say one way or another whether I've ever felt romantic attraction. I've had 'crushes' but I don't know if that's what they actually were anymore. I definitely wanted to get to know them better and hang out with them more. But it never really made me want to kiss them or anything, just spend more time with them. And I've felt that for men and women but i wouldn't want to kiss or cuddle with another man.

 

Is this similar to other people's experiences as a romantic ace, or does it sound more aro? Obviously I'm romance-positive either way. And I do kind of know what I want in a relationship now, so I don't need to understand it all right now I guess.

 

Trying to explain how I feel without writing an entire book is hard and I'm not succeeding, so anyone who's still with me have :cake:x1000. You are truly a patient person.

 

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Your text wasn't too long and definitely not a bother to read! I always enjoy getting to know what other people think and if people decide to read this, then it's their choice and you don't need to feel bad for describing things more detailed (at least it sounded like you kind of felt bad, if that's not the case, that's even better!).

 

Anyway, I definitely understand your confusion in terms of the understanding of QPR or the whole "What do I think about romantic relationships? What are they to me?" questions. I'm aromantic and while I've never had any crushes whatsoever, I've read posts of other aromantic people that explained they had experienced crushes as well. So I believe it is absolutely normal for aros, just like it is for non-aromantic people. It's not connected to your romantic orientation as far as I can tell (from what others have said online).

 

Regarding the "romance-positive"-aspect: I saw another discussion about this a few weeks ago on AVEN, hence I don't want to get into it too much (said conversation turned into something very frustrating to read) but I, as an aromantic person, still love the idea of romantic relationships. I wish I could be able to be romantically attracted to others, alas I'm not. I can accept that. I still feel "romance-favorable"/"romance-positive" (or whatever it may be called). I believe it is possible for both, aros and non-aromantic people, to enjoy the idea of romantic relationships. Others may think differently but hey, I wanted to offer my opinion at least.

 

Aside from that, I also am still confused what exactly QPRs are since I came across that term the first time a few weeks ago. According to what I've read online, there is no "decisive" definition because it really depends on how you see it personally. I guess the best way to try and get an understanding for the term therefore is to educate yourself on the topic.

Here's an AVEN thread discussing QPRs (maybe you want to check that out): 

 

 

In general, I simply wanted to say that you're not alone with your feelings and that your confusion is 100% natural. I hope you'll be able to find some fitting answers eventually (remember not to rush anything, we keep learning new things every day after all)! :cake:

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ClaireDeLune

I agree that QPR sounds like a good fit! QPRs could include romance, cuddling, platonic cohabitation, other things, or none of those things. It could also be open/poly, where people have multiple QPRs or have other types of partners too.  The only thing that "has" to be there that makes it different from friendship is the level of commitment. The people in it define the relationship and if they end it, there's an explicit conversation about it (compared with friendships just naturally drifting off). 

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On 12/31/2020 at 9:32 AM, Vemmaren said:

Is this similar to other people's experiences as a romantic ace, or does it sound more aro?

I can't tell you what you are or what your feelings are, but I'd try to describe what romantic feelings are like for me (focussing on the differences compared to platonic ones; things like sympathy, caring and so on are there as well of course):
'butterflies in your stomach', intrusive, very frequent thoughts about the loved one, being almost addicted to the loved one, a high intensity and imbalance of feelings towards them, wanting to spend all your time together, missing them like hell when they're not around, thinking they are very special and outstanding (with a focus on their positive features, possibly ignoring negative ones), being jealous, being afraid of loosing them, the desire to cuddle and maybe kiss, the overwhelming feelings of love and happiness when you do,...

Even without the sensual attraction, my romantic feelings are different from platonic ones (although feelings can be in between sometimes as well), mainly because of their intensity, the strong impact they have on my emotions and thoughts and because they can be quite irrational / not really under my control.

Apart from few things like the sexual ones, this article gives quite a good description of romantic feelings IMO (maybe slightly more extreme than my 'average romantic feelings'): https://www.livescience.com/33720-13-scientifically-proven-signs-love.html

So to me - although I might be wrong - your description sounds rather aro (maybe also grey-aromantic, if it's in between?).

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On 12/31/2020 at 8:32 AM, Vemmaren said:

Now I'm reading about aromantics and QPRs and its difficult for me to understand the difference between that and a regular romantic relationship, maybe because what I've always seen as my ideal romantic relationship isn't really so romantic at all?

Hi! I am in a similar predicament, as I too am questioning whether I could be on the aromantic spectrum.

 

Judging from your description, I think it is likely that you could be somewhere on the aromantic spectrum. It seems like you're struggling to tell the difference between platonic relationships and romantic relationships - perhaps you could be quoiromantic? This is a sub-label of aromanticism. Here is a definition of quoiromanticism from the website Arocalypse:

 

Quoiromantic - describes people who cannot differentiate between platonic and romantic attraction, cannot define romantic attraction and therefore are not sure if they experience it, experience attraction somewhere between romantic and platonic, or want to be in a queerplatonic relationship. It’s also known as WTFromantic or Whatromantic or Platoniromantic.

 

If you do still want a committed relationship, it does sound like a QPR could be a good fit for you. It would still have the level of commitment that any traditional romantic relationship would have, without it necessarily progressing into something more physical (not necessarily sex). 

 

On 12/31/2020 at 8:32 AM, Vemmaren said:

I'm 26 and I can't say one way or another whether I've ever felt romantic attraction. I've had 'crushes' but I don't know if that's what they actually were anymore. I definitely wanted to get to know them better and hang out with them more. But it never really made me want to kiss them or anything, just spend more time with them. And I've felt that for men and women but i wouldn't want to kiss or cuddle with another man.

It could be that what you felt for your 'crushes' was actually a squish. A squish is characterised by having an intense desire for a platonic relationship with someone, i.e. you want to get to know them, spend time with them, become very close friends with them. Squishes may lead to a QPR. This is different from a crush, which is characterised by wanting a romantic relationship with someone, i.e. date them. 

 

You're probably not on the extreme end of the aromantic spectrum. However, I think there is a good chance that you could be somewhere on the spectrum. I would recommend having a look at the labels that fall on the spectrum and see if any of them scream out to you. 

Here's the link again: 

 

https://www.arocalypse.com/topic/1135-comprehensive-list-of-romantic-orientations/

 

I hope this helps in some way. 

 

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On 12/31/2020 at 3:32 AM, Vemmaren said:

However, its clear to me that the very best relationship I ever had was with a girl I considered my best friend. We did everything together, but nothing physical really. It was nice to sit close to her but I wouldn't say it wasn't ever cuddling. We could spend time together but didn't feel the need to pay constant attention to each other and it was nice. Harmonious is the word that comes to mind. 

 

On 12/31/2020 at 3:32 AM, Vemmaren said:

Now I'm reading about aromantics and QPRs and its difficult for me to understand the difference between that and a regular romantic relationship, maybe because what I've always seen as my ideal romantic relationship isn't really so romantic at all?

 

I always thought I was romantic because I do want that special relationship with someone, and I like the idea of romance. I'm 26 and I can't say one way or another whether I've ever felt romantic attraction. I've had 'crushes' but I don't know if that's what they actually were anymore. I definitely wanted to get to know them better and hang out with them more. But it never really made me want to kiss them or anything, just spend more time with them. And I've felt that for men and women but i wouldn't want to kiss or cuddle with another man.

 

Is this similar to other people's experiences as a romantic ace, or does it sound more aro?

Hi! Aromantic asexual here! So just from what you've said, some of your feelings and experiences really seem to be similar to some of the feelings/thought I experienced when I was figuring out that I was aromatic. Personally, when figuring these things out, I think it's important to acknowledge that there's more than one type of attraction. There's romantic attraction and sexual attraction, but there's also platonic and aesthetic attraction. So, me personally, there will be people I would think are attractive or cute, or people I just really want to be friends with and get to know better, but I don't have a crush on them, nor do I want to sleep with them. 

 

However, I do enjoy being really close with people, but on a caring, platonic level: hugging, leaning on them, snuggling, etc, just because I'm super comfortable with them. If I could, I'd love to be able to spend my life with someone I really trust, care about, and feel safe around, even though I don't like them romantically or sexually. For me, a QPR sounds like it would be the ideal relationship, because I would be able to enjoy the closeness and intimacy of the relationship without it being romantic or sexual in nature, which kinda sounds like what you're looking for (but of course, I can't speak to your own feelings or experiences). 

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ClaryFray1984
On 12/31/2020 at 8:32 AM, Vemmaren said:

Warning: Wall of Text incoming! 1000 pieces of appreciation cake to anyone who bothers reading all this.

 

This line came up in another discussion: According to a few people I have spoken to, "you can't love someone romantically without having sex with them, without the sex you are just best friends." (In the context of sexual people equating love and sex)

 

I have no idea if its possible to quote someone in another thread, and I didn't want to derail that one by asking these questions. But that statement didn't bother me one bit personally, and I was expecting it to (obviously its a bit ignorant towards ace people).

 

The point being, since I identified as asexual, and learned that something called aromantic also existed, I thought that wasn't me but now I'm questioning what I am, and its not that I need to find a label but more that I want to understand myself and others better.

 

I've had several romantic relationships in the past, some long term and some short lived, but all of them have had problems because I couldn't move forward in the relationship the way the other person wanted (and not just about sex). However, its clear to me that the very best relationship I ever had was with a girl I considered my best friend. We did everything together, but nothing physical really. It was nice to sit close to her but I wouldn't say it wasn't ever cuddling. We could spend time together but didn't feel the need to pay constant attention to each other and it was nice. Harmonious is the word that comes to mind. 

 

That friendship ended when she wanted to start really dating and I kind of freaked out. I've always regretted not trying to find a way to make it work. I later dated several other women, one of which convinced me to try a few more sexual things and that only ended in frustration for both of us. 

 

Now I'm reading about aromantics and QPRs and its difficult for me to understand the difference between that and a regular romantic relationship, maybe because what I've always seen as my ideal romantic relationship isn't really so romantic at all?

 

I always thought I was romantic because I do want that special relationship with someone, and I like the idea of romance. I'm 26 and I can't say one way or another whether I've ever felt romantic attraction. I've had 'crushes' but I don't know if that's what they actually were anymore. I definitely wanted to get to know them better and hang out with them more. But it never really made me want to kiss them or anything, just spend more time with them. And I've felt that for men and women but i wouldn't want to kiss or cuddle with another man.

 

Is this similar to other people's experiences as a romantic ace, or does it sound more aro? Obviously I'm romance-positive either way. And I do kind of know what I want in a relationship now, so I don't need to understand it all right now I guess.

 

Trying to explain how I feel without writing an entire book is hard and I'm not succeeding, so anyone who's still with me have :cake:x1000. You are truly a patient person.

 

I love who I love but I cant force myself to be sexual. If that makes sense. I've tried it in past. I love with all my heart but cant be what I'm not.

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