I FOUND MY PEOPLE!

[MarriedtoScience]

My confusion is finally over.

 

I couldn't sleep for 3 hours last night. The last couple of days my mind has been buzzing with trying to figure out how I met a great guy - again, and how all I want to do is break it off - again!

I've always known I'm not asexual, but in dating scenarios the past couple of years I've always been upfront about "not being ready" for a full-on relationship. Which I now know might be a harmful way of thinking about it. I might never be.

 

I have enjoyed dating, especially going on firsts or second dates. I find it exciting. Nothing wrong with that, everyone falls somewhere on the terrifying <----> exciting spectrum when it comes to dating, emotion-wise. But yesterday it hit me that I think of good food, eyecontact and maybe hand-holding as nothing but good foreplay. No butterflies, no daydreams about the future, and absolutely nothing but dread for the "what are we?"-talk. Any other aromantics out there enjoy dating for the company and/or finding sexual relationships?

 

I'm strill trying to figure this "label" out. I've had "crushes" in the past, but rarely of a person I have talked to more than once. If I recognize that a person is attractive, I act like I have a crush. Like, getting excited at the thought of running into them, maybe even trying to make it happen on purpose. I also really enjoy flirtation, as I feel like it gives me a burst of energy. It is all very sexual in nature, though. (Hope I dont sound like a stalker, I'm not, just a fan of seeing hot people).

 

There is nothing really "off" about any of this. Its when talking to friend-couples I feel the most alienated. I actually brought up this specific dating-trouble with a friend a couple of days ago, where I flat-out asked if they had the answer to why I lost interest as soon as someone likes me (read: interest here is meant as physical and platonic from my side). It feels like I have gained a good, attractive friend, who then ruined the friendship by expecting a monogamous, romantic relationship. It makes my skin crawl, and I want to end it as soon as someone starts putting their arm around me or overstays their welcome after sex has happened. Shockingly their answer was to give it a chance, wait it out, I'm just "damaged" from the past. Funnily enough I think my ex partner is the only one who would agree I might be aromantic, as it would explain his (many) complaints back then. 

 

When talking to someone about how horrible their comitted relationship is (nagging about chores, no good sex, missing out on single-life) I feel SO lucky and empowered that I have been able to stick to my boundaries over the last years, without letting it get that far. You're adults for gods sake, no one is forcing you! And yeah I know that they might just need to blow off some steam and vent, and are probably not that miserable. I just dont see how I'm the strange one for NOT wanting to share my house with someone like that.

 

I have also always said that the love I feel for my family, my friends and (in the past) my partner is exactly the same kind of love.Maybe, depending on the situation, just to varying degrees. I feel thats a statement that makes people very uncomfortable! Some people, perhaps. But I'm capable of feeling love very strongly, and this is just my truth. That was it for my rant. Thank you for having me and making me feel like Im not just cold or have commitment-issues. It was a a very needed insomnia-driven epiphany that led me here, but I hope I might be right.

[Artemis42]

Welcome to AVEN!

🍰

I hope you enjoy your time here, and I’m glad you seem to have figured out this part of yourself.

[ubersnail]

Hello! Happy to hear that things are making sense for you!

 

I sorta feel the same way; as soon as I read about aromanticism things "clicked" and it felt great. My sexuality is... confusing. I have no desire for partnered sex or even anything sensual, yet I feel sexual-ish attraction. Nonetheless, this is pretty relatable!

 

I liked "dates" because they were just fun. I feel exactly the same whether it's supposed to be a date or a friend. When I find a guy attractive I totally act like I have a crush, but it's really just that it's sexually exciting to be around him 😅 Also, the way some allo people seem to be mainly sexually attracted to someone but become interested in dating them based on that... sometimes sexual attraction translates into platonic attraction for me. Like, I first notice a guy is attractive, then I get excited about becoming friends with him, and I really don't want to know him any differently than his other friends do. The idea of him being sexually attracted to me is, fine but no sex thanks, whereas him trying to make it romantic makes me uncomfortable, and like we can't have any kind of relationship anymore.

 

Anyway, welcome to the aro club 😄

[ClaireDeLune]

It definitely sounds like you've found your place! You sound like you have an awesome life (with all the pleasures of flirting and sex without the constant DRAMA that relationships often can be) - don't let society, amatonormativity, or anyone burst the bubble that you know is full!