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I feel alienated in the community as a romance favorable aro and haven’t been able to fully grasp my identity because of it.


Kiroon’s Moon

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Kiroon’s Moon

Hi, I just need somewhere to rant and get this off my chest and then cry I guess.

 

So, like the title says I’m a romance favorable aro, and I can’t help but feel excluded in the damn aro community. Sure, I don’t interact often but that’s because of the heavy feeling of alienation. Nearly all content I see is for those who are repulsed, which is completely okay but it sucks for someone who’s favorable. I find the same problem within the ace community, but I feel less alienated as I could live without sex even if I’m curious about trying it, but this isn’t about that.

 

Rarely do I see anything for favorable aros, the most I see is “romance favorable aros are valid” which is nice but not the content I look for. I’ve always wanted and romantic partner and family since I was a young child. I always loved romantic relationships and at this point I just live vicariously through my ships fearing I’ll never be able to get that. Who would date someone who couldn’t feel the same romance attraction? Very few most likely.

 

I keep all these feelings bottled up as well, my mom knows very little about lgbt+ in general and I don’t feel she knows enough for me to talk to her and I’m afraid of talking about wanting a romantic partner within the aro community because I fear that people are just going to brush it off that I’m suffering from amatonormativity (am I spelling that right?) and tell me that I shouldn’t feel pressured to marry just because of society (it’s even worse because I am a teenager). When, that is far from the truth, honestly I’ve rarely been told by people that I had to marry a man one day and my parents have always been “If you don’t wanna marry or have kids you don’t have too.” I’ve just honestly always wanted a romantic relationship.

 

Too this day I have never seen another aro person talk about the problems I’m suffering. I feel so alienated in both communities, with peers my age and those in the aro community. I don’t have crushes and cannot relate to my peers in that way but I also can’t relate to peers within the aro community as someone who wants a romantic relationship and most people talk about being happy single pringles. I feel so alone and I honestly just wanna cry, and this has definitely not helped me completely come to grips that I’m aroace.

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I can relate to what you have said! I am a romance favorable aro as well and I totally understand as to why you have troubles finding people like us. Almost all aros I see on here (and literally anywhere else) are fine without any romance in their lives. I'm happy that they are, but that only frustrates me even more as someone who wishes to perceive romantic attraction and is unable to do so. I've always said it's like a curse. The only way for me to imagine feeling this is through romance books, series etc., so I get why your shippings are important to you.

 

The only difference I spot for me is that while I kind of wish to be in a romantic relationship, I can't get myself to do that. It's a funny coincidence - a good friend of mine just confessed to me a few days ago and I had to turn him down. Not because I don't like him but because I can't feel romantically attracted to him (or anyone in this matter). For me it would be terribly wrong to be in a romantic relationship with someone when I can't love them the way they love me. I could never live with that. I wouldn't want to hurt my partner or myself. It would crush me on the inside, more than not being in a relationship in the first place. It's just wrong. I can't do that. Hence I came to the conclusion to not enter any relationships until my feelings might change (I honestly still hope for that).

 

Anyhow, I want to tell you that you're not alone! For now, I'm sending you a hug and please don't keep this pain to yourself; that's not healthy. If you ever want to talk about something or vent, feel free to privately message me, I'll be there for you. 💛

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I'm aro but I'm envious of romantic people. I love romance in fiction and I can understand how lovely it must feel, but I've never felt that way for another human being before and most likely never will. In a way I'm grateful though, it sounds nice but also draining. 😛

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15 minutes ago, Raindrops said:

I love romance in fiction and I can understand how lovely it must feel, but I've never felt that way for another human being before and most likely never will. In a way I'm grateful though, it sounds nice but also draining. 😛

 

Same. I can admit to a lingering curiosity for that type of connection, but ultimately I think I enjoy it more as a concept than something I would want to experience first hand. I think in a way I’ve romanticized romance.

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20 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

I'm genuinely puzzled. Isn't the essence of aromanticism not wanting a romantic relationship?

It comes back to the attraction/desire thing. If you're cupioromantic, you don't have the attraction, but you do have the desire. At least that's my guess for what is meant here :) 

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Kiroon’s Moon
21 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

I'm genuinely puzzled. Isn't the essence of aromanticism not wanting a romantic relationship?

Nope, it means having little to no romantic attraction. Aro people can want a romantic relationship if they wish. It’s why repulsed, neutral, favorable and others terms like that exist.

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1 minute ago, Telecaster68 said:

Are you saying you think they mean they'd like to want to have a relationship with someone?

Basically, yeah, I think. But well, I'm not aromantic either so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

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Please no definition debates in newbie threads. This thread is meant to focus on helping a person, not debating their identity.

Ryn, moderator

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47 minutes ago, Faleeria said:

I wouldn't want to hurt my partner or myself. It would crush me on the inside, more than not being in a relationship in the first place. It's just wrong. I can't do that. Hence I came to the conclusion to not enter any relationships until my feelings might change (I honestly still hope for that).

I said something very similar to someone who suggested I find/enter a relationship as a way of confirming my feelings one way or another. To do something like that just wouldn’t sit right with me. I’d feel like I was leading the other person on.

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Kiroon’s Moon
2 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

It's germaine to the post though - OP is asking about internal conflicts about the nature of their identity. It might be that those conflicts are because they aren't in fact aromantic since they appear, on the face of it, to have the potential to be perhaps under some circumstances, all things considered, not entirely unself-contradictory. (Not labelling, just saying it's a possibility for them to consider).

I can understand if your confused, I probably didn’t word what I was saying to well. As I just suck a communicating my thoughts in general and this way a rant of my feelings so I didn’t really look over for mistakes (tbh I never do lmao).

 

But, no I’ve been mulling over it for a while and I’m pretty sure, I’m at least some where on the aromatic spectrum. I’m almost 16 and I’ve never had a crush, it’s something I’ve heard my mom point out multiple times. She refers to me as “not a normal teenage girl” as I’ve never had a crush. However, just because I had attraction doesn’t mean I can’t desire a romantic partner and relationship. 
 

Let’s say you have little money, like 20 dollars or something but you want something that’s over 100 dollars. You want it but you don’t have the right amount of money to have it. Obviously not the perfect description but just go with it.

 

I want a romantic relationship but I don’t have the ability to feel romantic attraction. Lack of attraction =/= desires or behaviors.

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22 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

What does experiencing 'romantic attraction' mean if not 'wanting to be in a romantic relationship'?

It's tricky but I'll try to explain what I think they mean. I think they like the idea of romance, but do not feel romantic attraction. It's like seeing a cake in a window that you know you won't like if you tried it (like if it's covered in marzipan, I hate marzipan), but it looks so tasty that you wish you could enjoy it. 🤷‍♀️

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Kiroon’s Moon
13 minutes ago, Osiyo_Waya said:

I said something very similar to someone who suggested I find/enter a relationship as a way of confirming my feelings one way or another. To do something like that just wouldn’t sit right with me. I’d feel like I was leading the other person on.

Yeah, I can understand those worries something I worried about too. Though, a online friend of mine did mention they had a friend who was romantically dating an aroace person. I feel if both parties are honest about their feelings it would be alright.

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Kiroon’s Moon
2 minutes ago, Raindrops said:

It's tricky but I'll try to explain what I think they mean. I think they like the idea of romance, but do not feel romantic attraction. It's like seeing a cake in a window that you know you won't like if you tried it (like if it's covered in marzipan, I hate marzipan), but it looks so tasty that you wish you could enjoy it. 🤷‍♀️

Yes, I do like the idea of romance but I also do want a romantic relationship. My internal conflict is that I want one but I do not feel attraction and I’m worried that I’ll never get what I want.

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33 minutes ago, Kiroon’s Moon said:

Nope, it means having little to no romantic attraction. Aro people can want a romantic relationship if they wish. It’s why repulsed, neutral, favorable and others terms like that exist.

This makes no sense to me at all :( 

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Kiroon’s Moon
1 minute ago, Telecaster68 said:

Fair enough, and your mum telling you that you're not normal isn't the greatest thing. I'd just say that 16 is young to pin down an orientation for all time - maybe you're aromantic, maybe you're not. People develop at different stages and start feeling different things at different ages and since you're open to having romantic feelings about someone, there's plenty of time for it to happen.

 

To take your 20 dollar analogy: maybe you'll find the thing you want for 20 dollars instead, or maybe you'll get some more money. 

Yes, it is always possible that I will not want a romantic relationship in the future and yes it is entirely possible I will find the aroace label doesn’t fit me. I’m open to changing labels, I actually identify as pansexual before aroace.

 

Tbh kids and teenagers generally have an idea of who they are at a young age, especially those who are lgbt because we feel like outcasts. It’s also a confusing time for us. It helps if kids have a safe place to express themselves, which I was luckily given as my parents don’t mind if I explore as long as I’m safe. (and btw my mom doesn’t mean anything bad by saying I’m different, she means well and I know that.)

 

But right now, I feel I’m aroace (even if I’m struggling to accept because of my desires and feelings of alienation) and wants a romantic relationship and family in the future.

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Kiroon’s Moon
4 minutes ago, Homer said:

This makes no sense to me at all :( 

Desires aren’t the same as attraction, nor do either influence each other. There are peeps who aren’t aro but do not want a romantic relationship.

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I'm sorry but I don't understand. I'm new here too, but from what I know of sex-favourable aces, wouldn't a romance-favourable aro enjoy activities associated with romance should they find themselves in a relationship that includes those things, but still not desire a romantic relationship?

 

Like, doesn't aromantic mean that there is no one in the world you'd want to be romantic with? I guess you're saying that the things that are culturally assumed to be part of a romantic relationship, are things you'd want in a relationship. But the thing is romance, as a personal experience as opposed to the cultural concept, seems to be very individual and subjective and isn't clearly defined like a sexual relationship is. Like for me, even if I were in what was called a romantic relationship and my partner had romantic feelings for me, I'd feel like I was pretending to be dating a friend. It's not possible for me to feel in my heart that I am participating in romance.

 

Do you just 'want to want' a romantic relationship because people seem to like them? Do you want a platonic relationship that looks a lot like a romantic one? Or do you actually want to be partners with someone that desires you romantically even though you're aro??

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28 minutes ago, Kiroon’s Moon said:

Desires aren’t the same as attraction, nor do either influence each other. There are peeps who aren’t aro but do not want a romantic relationship.

Yeah they're different things but if there's no desire, you'll never be attracted to someone in that way.

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Kiroon’s Moon

Yes, romance favorable aros enjoy romantic things but they can have a romantic relationship if they wish! There’s also romance favorable aros who don’t want a relationship. Depends on the person, not wanting a relationship is a choice. Your attraction or lack isn’t a choice however.

 

I’ve always just wanted a romantic relationship, having someone to be their with me until my death or their death is very nice. I’ve always wanted to raise a family with someone and I’ve always enjoyed domestic things. Sure, I could do that with platonic relationships but it just doesn’t feel the same to me.

I’ve thought about having a QPR but I don’t know if it would be for me, though I’m willing to try! But I do want a romantic relationship, just because I don’t feel attraction doesn’t mean I can’t want or have it. I would just need to find someone who would be okay with dating someone romantically who couldn’t have those “feelings” for them, which is what I’m worried about.

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Kiroon’s Moon
5 minutes ago, Homer said:

Yeah they're different things but if there's no desire, you'll never be attracted to someone in that way.

I have a desire to eat candy rn, does that mean I’m attracted to Sour Patch Kids? Nope!

I’m 100% sure there’s someone out in the world, who experiences romantic attraction and has a crush on someone but has no desire for a relationship! 

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Unlocked, let's stay on topic this time. No definition debates,

Ryn, moderator

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On 12/21/2020 at 9:22 AM, Kiroon’s Moon said:

Rarely do I see anything for favorable aros, the most I see is “romance favorable aros are valid” which is nice but not the content I look for.

What type of content are you after, then, which you don't see in the aro community? If you're after romantic content, then the aro community may just not be the best place for it. That doesn't mean aro aces will disrespect you for the type of content you enjoy, only that aro spaces are more focused on other things, like how there is some LGBT+ content on AVEN but the main focus is of course asexuality.

 

On 12/21/2020 at 9:22 AM, Kiroon’s Moon said:

I always loved romantic relationships and at this point I just live vicariously through my ships fearing I’ll never be able to get that. Who would date someone who couldn’t feel the same romance attraction? Very few most likely.

I personally think this is a misconception. Sure there are a lot of couples out there that are based off the fabled fairytale romance you see in fiction, but there are also plenty of couples that are just two best friends who eventually started dating. In fact, among my peers and the older adults I know, I would say the second type is much more prevalent - the vast majority, even. Likewise, there are asexuals who are able to date sexual partners either because they're okay with sex or because the sexual person doesn't mind not having it. That the asexual doesn't feel attracted or interested in sex isn't necessarily a dealbreaker for everyone, and I'm sure the same applies to romance.

 

You're 16, there's a lot that you can experience in life, regardless of how things turn out for you. I get the frustration of feeling like you don't fit in, because I was feeling very much the same way at your age, although for different reasons. What I'm saying is that in my experience, the best medicine for these issues is time. Be patient and don't discount yourself as undesirable or unlovable so quickly, there's at least one Right Person out there for everyone who wants one :) 

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On 12/21/2020 at 1:22 AM, Kiroon’s Moon said:

 I’ve always wanted and romantic partner and family since I was a young child. I always loved romantic relationships and at this point I just live vicariously through my ships fearing I’ll never be able to get that. Who would date someone who couldn’t feel the same romance attraction? Very few most likely.

As a romantic asexual, I can tell you there are non-aro people willing to have / try a romantic relationship with a person who doesn't experience romantic attraction. I've never been in such a relationship, but I'd be willing to try it.

 

I'm sorry that you're feeling alienated and not completely accepted or understood by any community. I imagine it must be very difficult. :(

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18 hours ago, JumpingJay said:

As a romantic asexual, I can tell you there are non-aro people willing to have / try a romantic relationship with a person who doesn't experience romantic attraction. I've never been in such a relationship, but I'd be willing to try it.

On this subject, I actually just remembered I omitted an important and relevant mention in my earlier post - I've dated an aro before :P

We eventually broke up, but that happened for reasons unrelated to our sexual/romantic orientations.

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So I thought for a super long time I was aromantic, and I DEFINITELY feel you on the feeling alienated/alone when poking around the romance-repulsion of the aromantic community.  I always liked the idea of having someone close at the end of the day, even though I had no desire to get in a relationship with anyone.

 

I don't think it's weird or incongruent for an aromantic to wistfully long for romance.  Liking the concept != having the feelings to realize that concept for yourself.  To me, it's kind of like liking the concept of being a musician, without any interest in playing music yourself.  The idea is nice, but you don't have the drive to actually become that.  Similar to how I think sex sounds nice in theory, but I don't have any drive to engage in it with anyone.  I don't need to be sex-repulsed to be asexual.

 

But yeah, I definitely how romance-repulsion makes you feel more alone.  I felt (feel?) sooooooo jealous of people who don't feel romantic attraction and also don't WANT to feel it--like great, their lives are hunky-dory, their lives have what they need, and meanwhile I'm sad and wistful because I want this concept I'm not even capable of achieving.  It's this very odd, frustrating paradox.  Aromantic people can't understand your desire for the concept, and romantic people can't understand the lack of attraction.  It's this no-man's land where you feel "wrong" for idealizing the concept.

 

That push-pull of wanting the idea of romance, but not being interested in relationships, wasn't something I wanted to accept about myself ...  so I forced myself to accept several propositions in hopes it would change.  The first relationship was a disaster--I had NO feelings for the guy--but the second one, I did develop intense feelings?  Since then, I still can't say I could look at any individual person and say, "I want to be in a relationship with that person," though.  I don't have a directed romantic drive.  Is that demiromantic?  IDK.

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AroaceScriptette
On 12/21/2020 at 9:22 AM, Kiroon’s Moon said:

I’ve just honestly always wanted a romantic relationship.

 

Too this day I have never seen another aro person talk about the problems I’m suffering. I feel so alienated in both communities, with peers my age and those in the aro community. I don’t have crushes and cannot relate to my peers in that way but I also can’t relate to peers within the aro community as someone who wants a romantic relationship and most people talk about being happy single pringles. I feel so alone and I honestly just wanna cry, and this has definitely not helped me completely come to grips that I’m aroace.

Hey I am aroace and would describe myself as romance favourable. I just wanted to come here and say that I have felt everything you are feeling and still feel a lot of it. I want romance but I dont feel the attraction. I have felt alone A LOT! I have felt alienated. 

 

How you are feeling really resonate with me. 

 

I dont have much to offer in terms of advice with this but I will try: 

1. Identities can be fluid. How you feel right now may not be how you feel forever and if that's the case it doesn't make how you feel now any less valid! I dont mean this in a "you'll grow out of it" way but more like, dont get too hung up on labelling yourself if it makes you upset. I tend to say I'm on the aromantic spectrum when I have these down days and just the change in wording makes a big difference to me. 

 

2. Even if you dont feel romantic attraction, it doesn't mean you will be alone. If you haven't already looked into QPR relationships, this might be something to look into. I haven't had one so couldn't give you much advice about it. 

 

3. Self love is really important, especially if you are feeling alone. Please take care of yourself. Please try and do something you enjoy (ideally with a friend or family or someone) when you feel low. I am known to push people away but when you feel alone, try to reach out! I know it's easier said than done. It's great to see you post this despite what seems like negative experiences in the past.

 

4. Just to reiterate there are lots of us romance favourable aromantics asexuals! You are not alone in how you are feeling and the more we post, the more we are understood I think ;)

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  • 2 weeks later...
ClaireDeLune

Maybe you would enjoy being in a QPR (queerplatonic relationship). Some QPRs include cohabitation, "soft-romo" (some romance), cuddling, or sleeping in the same bed (by that I mean literally sleeping 😄) it just all depends on the unique needs of the individuals in it. On Ace Date Space, a significant percentage of the members are seeking a QPR, so maybe you would be able to find someone who wants something similar as you do (linked below).

 

https://discord.gg/acedatespace

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  • 1 month later...
Seeking clarity

So I'm new here. In my fifties. Trying to figure this out. I got married 10 years ago. I love my partner, but not n the same way he loves me. I've felt guilty about that. But looking at things after happening upon an article about a romantics, I wonder if that might be me. I've never had a crush on anyone, never been in love. I'm not sure I understood the difference between loving someone and being in love since I never experienced the latter. I find him attractive, I care deeply about him. But I don't feel necessarily he is the center of my life, though I want to feel that way. He was the first one I ever dated and since he is very shy, I think this was his first relationship too.  Holding hands always felt unnatural, though cuddling, etc. used to feel good. With vulvodynia, sex has has become painful, so we no longer have that.  All to say, I've wanted to have romantic feelingsto care for someone in that way, but it seems like it may not be possible. Yet I care for him a lot. However, I don't miss him when I'm traveling, I want to spend a lot of time alone, etc. It sometimes eels like he's invading my space instead of us being in this space together. It's like there has never been an "us" in my mind. It feels similar about what you are saying about wanting to be aro, even though you're not. Hoping to find some clarity here.

 

 

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