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Mismatched desires, sexual guilt, and general frustration


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As some of you know, I'm in a mixed-attraction relationship with an asexual woman. She's attracted to me romantically, and that's about where it seems to end. I'm so attracted to her that it hurts, and the guilty from that is getting harder to cope with by the day. I think I'm too emotionally invested in this to look at it from a neutral viewpoint, so I want some input.

 

She identifies as asexual, and I'm okay with that. She calls herself sex-repulsed, but I don't think that paints the full picture. She's okay with being on the receiving end when it's manual or oral stimulation, but the second I want it to be reciprocated I receive a quick "no". I don't believe that invalidates her as an asexual, because she definitely doesn't want sex in the traditional sense. When we do go to bed together it's all about her. I was okay with that at first, but now I'm struggling. I'm not happy with the way out love life works, but I play a long anyway. 

 

For the record, I am both very attracted to her and desire her very much sexually. I try to discuss this with her, but that usually guilt trips me into backing off. When I think about her and I it makes me feel a lot of things.

 

1. It frustrates me as a (demi)sexual who does not have my wants and needs met.

2. It makes me deeply resent myself for having these feelings and for speaking to her about them.

3. It makes me question if she's "using me" because of the way that I'm the one wanting sex and she's the only one getting anything out of this.

4. It causes me to question why we have this part of the relationship when she wants different things from me and I know that we're both free to leave.

5. It triggers insecurity over the fact that she doesn't "want me".

 

Our relationship is pretty good outside of the bedroom. I love her deeply, and this is the blemish on an otherwise exemplary relationship with her. Maybe venting all of this will make me feel better? Maybe somebody will have advise or offer moral support? Maybe I'm just screaming into the void and hoping that the void responds? I don't know anymore.

 

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I mean if she doesn't want sex and you do and it leaves you frustrated, I wouldn't be giving anything sexual. That seems really one sided. Maybe take sex off the table completely for a bit ?

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4 minutes ago, Serran said:

I mean if she doesn't want sex and you do and it leaves you frustrated, I wouldn't be giving anything sexual. That seems really one sided. Maybe take sex off the table completely for a bit ?

I plan on doing that. We have little in the way of "couples activities" outside of video games, listening to music, and our very limited version of "sex". I know she doesn't want it the way I want it, and I'm starting to become avoidant about spending time with her because of that. She's okay with doing it "her way", which is a frustrating dilemma for me in and of itself. I get no physical affection if I don't do what she wants, but I get upset if I go along with it her way. The problem for me is that the majority of the affection I get from her is tied into that. Anything else is like squeezing water from stone with her. I pretty much "give her what she wants, how she wants it" on everything unless I just don't spend time with her. It's hard to explain.

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11 minutes ago, Satan's Little Helper said:

I plan on doing that. We have little in the way of "couples activities" outside of video games, listening to music, and our very limited version of "sex". I know she doesn't want it the way I want it, and I'm starting to become avoidant about spending time with her because of that. She's okay with doing it "her way", which is a frustrating dilemma for me in and of itself. I get no physical affection if I don't do what she wants, but I get upset if I go along with it her way. The problem for me is that the majority of the affection I get from her is tied into that. Anything else is like squeezing water from stone with her. I pretty much "give her what she wants, how she wants it" on everything unless I just don't spend time with her. It's hard to explain.

Doesn't sound like a very equal relationship. 

 

My wife and I do video games, but we take turns picking what we play. We listen to music, but we have a shared Playlist we did together. We do manual sex, but we both get to give and receive. 

 

Sounds like you need to set your own needs a little higher. 

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9 minutes ago, Serran said:

Doesn't sound like a very equal relationship. 

 

My wife and I do video games, but we take turns picking what we play. We listen to music, but we have a shared Playlist we did together. We do manual sex, but we both get to give and receive. 

 

Sounds like you need to set your own needs a little higher. 

It really isn't. I know it's supposed to be, but that's where I struggle. She doesn't do any of this maliciously, but being the one putting most of the effort into the relationship and being responsible for more of the work is not something I want to do. She's on here, and she knows everything I've said here already. I have voiced my unhappiness before, and we're working on it. I don't want to sound like she's not a very positive part of my life because she certainly is the best thing that's happened to me. Even having this conversation makes me feel horrible about myself and my feelings. Maybe I'm wrong to feel that way.

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Mountain House

Your feelings are valid.  It is your minds way of talking to you.  Write each one down and what you believe that feeling is trying to tell you.  Share it.

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50 minutes ago, CBC said:

Just the phrase 'sexual guilt' in your title is somewhat of a red flag, btw.

My sex-ed teacher always enforced the idea that a way to identify a healthy sexual relationship/interaction is if it creates positive feelings before, during, AND after. I think that pretty much answers that part of your concerns. I think it would be a good idea to just have a discussion that isn't necessarily meant to create a change in your behavior, but rather to bring attention to your feelings because that is important in a relationship.

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I don't know what to do about it anymore. At the end of the day I still want her in my life, but I don't know that this "relationship" needs to be the way it is. We have a number of issues that have nothing to do with this going on both separately and jointly, so I think it's time to reexamine what each of us views this as and what we want to do moving forward. I'm not going to leave her, but I may shift this to being strictly platonic and romantic if we can't sort out our feelings. It's always been a part of the agreement that we won't have to have certain parts of our lives intertwined, and I'm starting to realize that I haven't been separating that well. Thank you for listening, and thank you for your input. This isn't easy, and it's not something I wanted to do. I know I'll be happier when each of us gets what we want and need, even if that means disentangling certain parts of our lives even further.

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The labels don't matter. I also doesn't really matter if she is "selfish", its possible that she really is repulsed by providing any sex but enjoys receiving it.   That can't be distinguished from "selfish" and in the end doesn't mater.

 

If you are unhappy and you can't resolve things, you should leave.   If she wants you to stay even if you are unhappy, then she doesn't actually love you and you should leave.

 

 

 

Your situation sounds familiar - for many years my wife was similarly selfish in bed - wanting to do only the things that pleased her (on the rare occasions she wanted sex at all), but nothing else.  I started to feel like a sex slave (and not in the fun way), she expected me to be available to give her pleasure when she wanted (which was rare) but was unhappy doing anything in return. 

 

I stayed.  That was probably the wrong choice.

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Mountain House
2 hours ago, Satan's Little Helper said:

I don't know what to do about it anymore.

This is really a comment about the entire post you made from which this came.

 

Wow, that is one of the most positive turn around moments I've witnessed.  Sure, you started with that sentence there but followed with what I can only identify as a real plan of action that flows like you've had your epiphany.  I think you do know what to do about it.

 

You get only one life.  You do you.

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5 hours ago, Mountain House said:

This is really a comment about the entire post you made from which this came.

 

Wow, that is one of the most positive turn around moments I've witnessed.  Sure, you started with that sentence there but followed with what I can only identify as a real plan of action that flows like you've had your epiphany.  I think you do know what to do about it.

 

You get only one life.  You do you.

That means a lot to me to hear. People have told me all throughout my life that I am very intelligent, but knowing is only half of the battle. I've known more or less what I need to do for a very long time. Where my struggle arises is at the point where I have to "do something about it". I know that the relationship isn't in a good state, but anxiety and emotions make it hard to change. When I see her again, I'm going to pour my heart out and decide with her where we go from here. Almost our entire relationship has been one or the other of us adjusting to changes with the other person, but that's what made us stronger together. The fact that we've been able to work through it this long tells me that we are capable of doing better, so now it is a matter of willpower. I feel much better after having spoken through all of this out loud, and I know what I need to do is to continue this dialogue with her.

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20 hours ago, CBC said:

So, just gonna say... I know we're not allowed to declare that someone is or isn't asexual, but... there are sexual people who only want to be on the receiving end (and some who only want to give). Which can, understandably, cause relationship issues unless they happen to be with a partner who likes only the opposite.

Technically, wouldn't it only be a problem if they were the same (both like to receive, but not give, for instance)? :P

 

Nevermind, I somehow managed to completely misread the "unless" as an "if".  I can only use lack of sleep as my scapegoat here.

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AceMissBehaving

One small question, is she the one to initiate and ask for the activities as they currently happen? I know in the past when I tried to be open to sex, I would often try to get to the point where everything would work out, but ultimately trying to give was much harder to do than the more passive part of trying to receive.

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1 minute ago, CBC said:

Yeah that's what I was kind of wondering when I asked whether she was just ok with that stuff because the OP enjoys it or whether she actively requests it.

She actively requests it, and I'm happy to do it. We communicate reasonably well about that, but that is because it's become a question of "when do you want it" instead of "what do you want" at this point. 

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11 minutes ago, CBC said:

Yeah that sounds... extra frustrating then. She's got the expectation that it's a given now, and that's a bit entitled since she's unwilling to do anything in return.

 

If she truly is repulsed for whatever reason, then there's not much that can done about that. Requesting that someone do something that they feel that negatively about is obviously not a good idea whatsoever. If that's the case, that's why I see it as a potentially insurmountable problem. And being stuck with a frustrating and one-sided sex life is unlikely to become more acceptable with time.

I firmly believe that it's not her job to do anything she's not willing to do, whether happily or otherwise. She doesn't "owe me" anything,  and the same is true of me to her. It's not easy to accept, but I'm starting to try to make peace with the way things are. Our relationship works pretty well outside of the bedroom, and I do think that the situation is made worse by the pandemic and our respective living situations. I know that I'm not going to get much, if any, of what I want from her. My thought is that some of this has been worse recently because I've been through the end of two other relationships and dealt with a lot of insecurity surrounding rejection and abandonment. She's been with me since I was on the ace side of grey ace, and has stayed with me through shifts into demisexuality and Polyamory. Our mismatch is hard for both of us, but we make it work. This issue is the result of sexual frustration and emotional insecurity, both of which are feelings that are my job to own up to and deal with.

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From my viewpoint I'd say it's better than nothing.

Does she actually seem to enjoy it? Or is it something she asks for because it's the only sexual contact she can cope with and she knows you want something?

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49 minutes ago, glyders said:

Physical contact, intimacy, feeling desired.

Giving to someone wouldnt make me feel these things if there was nothing in return. It would instead make me feel used, unattractive and blah. 

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I guess that for me, being able to touch my partner like that is such a hopeless dream that it carries a lot more feeling.

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AceMissBehaving
39 minutes ago, Serran said:

Giving to someone wouldnt make me feel these things if there was nothing in return. It would instead make me feel used, unattractive and blah. 

Honestly same. 
 

@Satan's Little Helper   It sounds like the nature of your relationship has changed some, especially during covid, but it seems harsh to instigate things one way, when the other person is obviously struggling with the lack of reciprocity (assuming your partner is fully aware of the situation)

 

 Being able to give but not receive sounds a bit like showing a hungry person a meal and not letting them have any.

 

I’m really sorry your struggling with this, and hope things get easier for you 

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We are talking about it now, but I don't expect her feelings to change. There's the idealized, rational, and perfect that exists on paper, and then there is the messy, emotional, irrational world that exists around us. One of the hardest parts of making any relationship -regardless of the type- work for people like me is trying stay rational about these kinds of frustrations. She knows I love her, and she knows that will not change. It's the fact that the feelings that I have are directed towards her that is the problem, not the feelings themselves. We both know it's a very unusual relationship to work out, and she's trying hard to make it work.

 

I have no right to say that she doesn't have plenty that she could be frustrated by as well. She thought that she was getting an asexual, monogamous, masculine Christian for a boyfriend at the start. She's loved me through it to the point of having a demisexual, maleflux, polyamorous Satanist as a partner. I've changed a lot since I've been with her, and she's never stopped loving me. It's not easy to let love grow and change with time, but that's exactly what we've done. No matter what part she plays in my life, I want her to stay in it.

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3 hours ago, Satan's Little Helper said:

One of the hardest parts of making any relationship -regardless of the type- work for people like me is trying stay rational about these kinds of frustrations.

I think you’ve got this, but I had this thought. I think it’s a mistake to think there’s some platonic ideal of “rationality”, to then try to extract choices devoid of “emotion”.

 

An alternative is to value “empathy” and, when there’s differences, be sure to engage in it consciously (cognitive empathy), and to want that effort from others you’re close to.

 

Change is an interesting thing to experience in lasting interpersonal relationships, and changing together can form a lasting bond — of whatever form — there’s no “just” to some friendships.

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7 hours ago, Satan's Little Helper said:

We are talking about it now, but I don't expect her feelings to change. There's the idealized, rational, and perfect that exists on paper, and then there is the messy, emotional, irrational world that exists around us. One of the hardest parts of making any relationship -regardless of the type- work for people like me is trying stay rational about these kinds of frustrations. She knows I love her, and she knows that will not change. It's the fact that the feelings that I have are directed towards her that is the problem, not the feelings themselves. We both know it's a very unusual relationship to work out, and she's trying hard to make it work.

 

I have no right to say that she doesn't have plenty that she could be frustrated by as well. She thought that she was getting an asexual, monogamous, masculine Christian for a boyfriend at the start. She's loved me through it to the point of having a demisexual, maleflux, polyamorous Satanist as a partner. I've changed a lot since I've been with her, and she's never stopped loving me. It's not easy to let love grow and change with time, but that's exactly what we've done. No matter what part she plays in my life, I want her to stay in it.

I will emphasize - can you both be happy?  If not, there is no value to making one or both of you suffer in an unhappy relationship.  There is social pressure to stay "committed" but in a loving relationship, if either person is unhappy, both are. 

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15 minutes ago, uhtred said:

I will emphasize - can you both be happy?  If not, there is no value to making one or both of you suffer in an unhappy relationship.  There is social pressure to stay "committed" but in a loving relationship, if either person is unhappy, both are. 

We can both be happy, but I believe that a point must be clarified regardless. "Happy" is one of those words that is thrown out in absolute terms very often. I am "happy" with her as it sits now, but that is not to say that I would not be "happier" if this mismatch wasn't an issue. I would be very unhappy without her, as would she without me. Happiness and unhappiness are not binary options but rather opposite ends of a spectrum. If being with her truly made me unhappy then I would have left without hesitation. Relationship can, and in some cases should, end. I have no problem walking away from one of it isn't beneficial to all parties. In fact, I've done so twice in the last few months. Nobody should feel that their relationship cannot end simply due to the social implications or a misguided sense of duty. My firm belief is that all relationships should be prefaced on "so long as we both shall love".

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