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Umm....Open Relationships...do they honestly ever work?


TiffboBiff

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55 minutes ago, glyders said:

It always strikes me as odd when people suggest an open relationship (or indeed leaving) as a possible solution. It makes it sound like there are plenty of people queueing up and the only reason they aren't already involved is because of the closed relationship. There never seems to be any acknowledgement that there might not be anyone else prepared to go out with the sexual one.

That's because there are millions of potential matches and finding someone else to date is as easy as going to tinder, OKcupid etc. There is always someone willing to date someone else, out of millions. If you aren't seeking anything though, you will never find it. 

 

If someone feels they are undateable and thus need to stay in a relationship... then perhaps confidence building is a thing to work on before anything. 

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15 minutes ago, Serran said:

That's because there are millions of potential matches and finding someone else to date is as easy as going to tinder, OKcupid etc. There is always someone willing to date someone else, out of millions. If you aren't seeking anything though, you will never find it. 

 

If someone feels they are undateable and thus need to stay in a relationship... then perhaps confidence building is a thing to work on before anything. 

I'm in my 40s and have had three girlfriends, two of them at uni (no one-night stands or anything like that). Before my current (ace) partner, I went almost 8 years with no successful dating.

You mention Tinder - in years of using it I have had 4 matches, 1 reply, and no meeting. Back when I was in my 20s I used Match.com and many other sites, went to clubs, etc etc and did have three dates - none were repeated.

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Mountain House
9 hours ago, glyders said:

It always strikes me as odd when people suggest an open relationship (or indeed leaving) as a possible solution

You can choose a life of celibacy.  That is always pointed out as an option.  For me that would be miserable and I don't want a life of misery.

 

10 hours ago, glyders said:

It makes it sound like there are plenty of people queueing up and the only reason they aren't already involved is because of the closed relationship.

That's an interesting take.  I don't see it that way.  More a freedom to pursue happiness, whether I find it or not.  (And, of course, one needs to believe in the possibility.)

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If you are feeling unwanted or unloved in your relationship because of a lack of sexual connection, having sex with someone else is unlikely going to fix that, anymore than talking to a therapist is a substitute for your partner engaging with your thoughts and feelings. As someone else observed it's just shoving a band-aid on top and hoping for the best. 

 

If you do feel loved and satisfied but just want someone to have sex with, maybe it can work. But sex acquaintances on the regular rarely stay that for long. With sufficient time a friendship will develop along with the sexual feelings. And then that might evolve into the kind of feelings which directly "compete" with those in the legacy partnership. The asexual partner might be comfortable with their partner having sex buddy (though that's far from guaranteed, either, given the inevitable feelings of inadequacy and jealousy), but not another quasi-romantic relationship. 

 

I know this can all be laid out with agreements/boundaries etc. as myriad books suggest, but feelings don't neatly respect boundaries and precepts. In some ways the best candidates for open relationships are those who don't actually "need" one! 

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