Umm....Open Relationships...do they honestly ever work?

[TiffboBiff]

Heya Peeps! So yeah I have about a bazillion questions but obvs I’m gonna have to cut that down to just an important few. My husband is Asexual and it’s something he’s only recently been able to admit out loud and talk about more. I’m having a very tough time with it because I’m a highly sexual person. I’ve been able to handle things by myself with my box-o’-toys, but I’m finding that it’s not enough anymore. My husband realizes this and was the one to suggest an “open relationship” on my end (where I guess I just hook up with rando’s for sex?) 😳....both of us have a total of 0 clues how to handle something like this. We love each other very much and honestly, it’s like we’re soulmates minus sex ( can’t think of a better way to describe it). Thinking about not being together in the same house or ending our relationship gives him a panic attack. While I don’t get panic attacks, I do cry and get very sad thinking about us not being together since we’re tied to the hip in every other part of our lives. So I guess my first question is ...how have others handled situations like this? I mean, open relationships seem to have very rare occasions of working out. I don’t think i’d ever ask the question even in my BRAIN of “how do you legally hire a male prostitute once a month or so.?” It’s not like...something you can just google. I’m open and willing to try new things but I really never thought I’d be in this sort of relationship where it came to that? So yup....questions galore. Is there a better way to ask these sort of questions? I don’t even know if how I’m wording things can be seen as offensive or crass to someone here? 

[MoraDollie]

Read the book "The Ethical Slut", it's a great introduction to swinging, polyamorous, and non-monogamy in general. Open relationships are a LOT of work but they can be very rewarding. 

[Guest]

It is the same way you enter any other relationships just with  different terms.   

[RuneWolf]

They can work out with the right people.

[Guest]

They work if both are open to it. But, if either of you are mono by nature rather than choice ... not likely. 

[AceMissBehaving]

They can work, I’m currently in one myself after being in a similar situation to you (the main difference being I’m the asexual) 

 

My husband isn’t really a casual sec kind of person so has a second partner who is sexual like him. At first it was scary, but the three of us get along really well. She’s become a good friend to me, a d obviously more to my husband. It was scary at first but so far things have been working out 

[Karst]

Some people manage to make polyamory work.  I'm no authority on it (aromantic and all that), but I hope things work out for you!

[Scottthespy]

Seconding the 'read The Ethical Slut' sentiment, but also, for a free and instant bit of info, read Poly 101 by Grey White, hosted on ohjoysextoy.com.

[Traveler40]

Like yeah, it’s possible and can totes work! Legit. Obvs depends on the crazy cats involved tho. Stay strong and ✌️ 

[Philip027]

They can, but everyone involved has to be on board with it.  If it's just employed as a bandaid (when someone isn't really poly or otherwise on board with being in a poly relationship), it tends to fall apart sooner or later.

[naturerhythms]

Another plus one for The Ethical Slut. Deborah Anapol has also done some thoughtful writing on polyamory (which often but not always includes polysexuality). I've pasted below a section that you might find helpful from one of my works. I've known a number of couples in open relationships; some have made it work, and some haven't. I tried it for a short time in a situation similar to yours, but the conditions weren't right. Once you start looking, you may be surprised by how many people are attempting to live outside the traditionally defined box that obviously doesn't work for everyone. You've already heard from some here. It may just take a bit of time to determine the best places to look locally, given that it's still taboo to talk about these things openly. Good luck!

 

("Asexual" below refers to asexual partners not interested in sex, as some asexual people still enjoy sex.)

 

== begin excerpt from I Fell in Love with an Asexual ==

Questions for assessing non-monogamy readiness

If you’re seriously exploring an open relationship, and you believe that your partner is asexual, here are a few important questions to ask. You may not know the answers to some of these until you’ve tried an open relationship:

• How well are you and your partner connected in other areas of intimacy and giving/receiving outside of sex? An open relationship probably won’t help if the relationship is weak in many other areas.

• How well can you continue to prioritize your partner in the ways that they wish, even while experiencing the strong emotional bond that can accompany having sex with someone else?

• How will the two of you handle jealousy? Some books on open relationships treat jealousy as inevitable—it may lessen substantially over time, but can be very strong in the beginning.

• Even if you’re getting some sexual needs met with another person, how often do you still need or want sex with your primary partner to continue feeling connected to them?

• What if sex with another person(s) causes you to desire your primary partner even more? While a sexual primary partner may appreciate this, an asexual primary partner may not.

• What safer sex and etiquette guidelines does your partner want you to follow?

• How much time are you willing or able to devote to outside relationships, while continuing to provide your primary partner with the time and energy they desire? For example, are you looking for someone to see a few times a week for just an hour or two at a time, or someone with whom to spend weekend overnights?

• If you have children, how do you and your partner believe that non-monogamy may affect your parenting roles and relationships with your kids? What potential resources and challenges do you believe that an open relationship may offer your family?

== end excerpt ==

[Lara Black]

Hello, @TiffboBiff

Let’s make several things clear.

Open relationships aren’t an easy solution. They can work, but they won’t be a band-aid for what’s lacking in your relationship – it’s moving your relationship to a different level.

Another thing you need to consider is what you want from this other relationship. Just sex? Then you can look for one-night stands and sex dates on your local dating apps. But it’s very much possible that “just sex” is not for you – it’s definitely not for everybody. It seems to me you need to discuss with your husband what he is OK with you doing outside the marriage: dinner and a movie before sex(?), getting one stable lover(?) and so on. That will help you find what works for the both of you.

 

Open relationships really aren’t for everybody. And even for those who are poly these relationships can be scary, difficult and so on. But with tons of tact and care, they can work out nicely.

 

What I can share from personal experience… I’ve had 2 poly relationships in my life, though I’m monogamous myself (I don’t desire anyone outside my relationship, but I’m alright with my partner having other partners). I’ve seen it work out terribly, and I’m now watching it work out very well – it really depends on how these things are handled.

Practically everyone here says that in mixed relationships communication is key, but it really is. Don’t try to guess anything for your husband – ask. And you need to be calm and patient when he asks something or gives an answer you don’t want to hear.

Good luck!

[Mountain House]

Yes. consensual non-monogamy [CNM] or ethical non-monogamy [ENM] exists and works very well for some people.  Yes, some people feel the water is warm and jump in head first only to explode their world around them.  Yes, CNM/ENM is not for everyone.

 

So, maybe?

 

I think it's great you are asking the questions before getting wet.  As @Lara Black said:

10 hours ago, Lara Black said:

Practically everyone here says that in mixed relationships communication is key, but it really is. Don’t try to guess anything for your husband – ask.

It turns out that this is key in relationships.  Yeah, of any kind.  Often times newbie CNMers find out the hard way where they've been lax in their communications with the other relationships.  Adding a relationship expands every crack in all of the other relationships.

 

Polyamory.com has a great group of experienced people that are amazingly helpful.

https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory also has a great group of helpful people.

 

I like to read through them to get a feel for the real life train wrecks newbies create because, like you, I am wondering the same thing.  (And I want to be as free of train wrecks as possible!  )

 

The Ethical Slut was mentioned and it is an okay book.

Sex at Dawn presents a theory as to why we are this way

Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships Is what I think is the best how to proceed read.

 

I like the multiamory podcast

 

/u/emeraldead (from www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/) often tells the newbies (and I'll bow out here):

Start with the Most Skipped Steps When Opening Up essay.

There is no easy way. There is doing your homework, really considering the options and understanding what you want to change, what you don't want to change and your real vision of polyamory is in daily life.

Topics to Review

Resources- time, energy, money

Risk- exposure, blood test schedule, for every type of sexual interaction

Intimacy- vacations, holidays, gifts, family events, dates, online visibility, words and acts of affection

Style- how much interaction are you open to between other partners (yours and theirs), preferences of being informed of intimacy and risk changes, are there restrictions on or expectations of activities between partners and/or metamours? How do you prefer to schedule and give notice of overnights?

Hierarchy- how are decisions and plans made? Changing living situations or having kids? Are there pre existing "dibs" on things for partners that limit people who show up in the future?

Aware and directly acknowledged hierarchy is fine, but limits on others experiencing pleasure and intimacy (such as no anal or no sex without all partners present) is in conflict with polyamory and will create unsustainable and usually toxic situations. Always listen to your own discomfort regarding your choices and enforcing boundaries, but that cannot be used to control the intimacy and pleasure of others.

It's ok to be awkward, just do it anyway. It's ok not to have full clarity, keep working for it. Define everyone's vision and ideal, define your own boundaries of security and invite your partner to do the same.

This is a relationship so anything you think would be part of a loving relationship is on the table here.

There's also no rush, no timer. Better to take it super slow and not skip steps now.

Scroll all the way down

r/polyamory/comments/ciez7z/im_new_and_dont_know_anything/

www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/comments/ciez7z/im_new_and_dont_know_anything/

 

[TiffboBiff]

23 hours ago, naturerhythms said:

Another plus one for The Ethical Slut. Deborah Anapol has also done some thoughtful writing on polyamory (which often but not always includes polysexuality). I've pasted below a section that you might find helpful from one of my works. I've known a number of couples in open relationships; some have made it work, and some haven't. I tried it for a short time in a situation similar to yours, but the conditions weren't right. Once you start looking, you may be surprised by how many people are attempting to live outside the traditionally defined box that obviously doesn't work for everyone. You've already heard from some here. It may just take a bit of time to determine the best places to look locally, given that it's still taboo to talk about these things openly. Good luck!

 

("Asexual" below refers to asexual partners not interested in sex, as some asexual people still enjoy sex.)

 

== begin excerpt from I Fell in Love with an Asexual ==

Questions for assessing non-monogamy readiness

If you’re seriously exploring an open relationship, and you believe that your partner is asexual, here are a few important questions to ask. You may not know the answers to some of these until you’ve tried an open relationship:

• How well are you and your partner connected in other areas of intimacy and giving/receiving outside of sex? An open relationship probably won’t help if the relationship is weak in many other areas.

• How well can you continue to prioritize your partner in the ways that they wish, even while experiencing the strong emotional bond that can accompany having sex with someone else?

• How will the two of you handle jealousy? Some books on open relationships treat jealousy as inevitable—it may lessen substantially over time, but can be very strong in the beginning.

• Even if you’re getting some sexual needs met with another person, how often do you still need or want sex with your primary partner to continue feeling connected to them?

• What if sex with another person(s) causes you to desire your primary partner even more? While a sexual primary partner may appreciate this, an asexual primary partner may not.

• What safer sex and etiquette guidelines does your partner want you to follow?

• How much time are you willing or able to devote to outside relationships, while continuing to provide your primary partner with the time and energy they desire? For example, are you looking for someone to see a few times a week for just an hour or two at a time, or someone with whom to spend weekend overnights?

• If you have children, how do you and your partner believe that non-monogamy may affect your parenting roles and relationships with your kids? What potential resources and challenges do you believe that an open relationship may offer your family?

== end excerpt ==

Thanks for the advice!... Thankfully we don’t have kids ( involving kids in a scenario like this seems even more complex and difficult). I feel like I’m studying for a dissertation trying to research how best to do this without hurting one other or causing the primary relationship to fall apart. Grad school is tough but at least it’s on a subject you want to make a career out of....I honestly don’t wanna be a career FWB. When I think “long term” , I don’t wanna be 60 yrs old ( no offense to those here that age) still trying to find someone who wants to be sexually intimate with me. It’s also been difficult to be as supportive and understanding as possible....without wanting to get on top of my roof and scream random angry shit to the world at large. Part of me is also having to do a lot of inner soul searching to find out what is truly going to make me happiest. Starting all over with new friends , new job, new location ( at fucking 41 yrs old) , and giving up on someone who I love very much but also makes me feel miserable? Or finding ways not to be miserable while I also can be with the someone I love very much? I feel like it’s the whole “wanting to have my cake and eat it too” where maybe my life just isn’t meant to not be miserable. For a quick rundown - I was raised in a cult, abused as a young age, had juvenile epilepsy, was stalked & harassed by a family friend from 13 yrs old till 17yrs old, moved out at 17 and got shunned by my sister, parents,  and their cult, got a scholarship then lost it because I fell in love on a backpack trip to the UK, got engaged at 19, moved to the UK, lost fiancé at 23 in a car accident 2 months before our wedding, came back to the states, got drunk a lot, went back to the cult so I could have a relationship with my sister and parents, stopped drinking and got help with my grief and left cult again for the final time, backpacked Europe again for a year, went back to college, met my husband, husband faked liking sex while dating, after marrying sex happened once every 6 months then one a year, then no sex for 3 yrs. 

 

That’s my entire life in a paragraph. I think despite being an atheist, something about who I am must love misery 🥴although fuck if I know why that is, despite plenty of therapy 😉. The moral of my word vomit is that I know misery is gonna be a part of my life for all my life, it’s just gonna depend on what sort of misery and how bad. For me, sex and physical intimacy is a lifeline to being less miserable. Not in a nympho sort of addict way, but in a “this makes me feel free and spiritual” kinda way. Since I don’t believe in gods or religious mumbo jumbo shite, the closest I can get to feeling spiritual is hiking mountains and being sexually/physically intimate. So, that’s why I’m trying to make this work but also with the understanding that I will not go even one more year without sex. I’ve waited years already. 

[naturerhythms]

15 hours ago, TiffboBiff said:

...That’s my entire life in a paragraph. I think despite being an atheist, something about who I am must love misery 🥴although fuck if I know why that is, despite plenty of therapy 😉. The moral of my word vomit is that I know misery is gonna be a part of my life for all my life, it’s just gonna depend on what sort of misery and how bad. For me, sex and physical intimacy is a lifeline to being less miserable. Not in a nympho sort of addict way, but in a “this makes me feel free and spiritual” kinda way. Since I don’t believe in gods or religious mumbo jumbo shite, the closest I can get to feeling spiritual is hiking mountains and being sexually/physically intimate. So, that’s why I’m trying to make this work but also with the understanding that I will not go even one more year without sex. I’ve waited years already. 

Wow, that is quite a journey you've traveled--thanks for sharing a bit of it. Given everything you've already survived, I imagine that you've already developed quite a toolbox for navigating various difficult situations. If you decide to actively explore an open relationship, I have no doubt those around you will appreciate the homework you've put in ahead of time. It's helpful to know in advance, as just one example, what a "cowboy" is in the poly world, given that you value your current relationship a great deal.

 

I can relate to a lot of what you're saying about being with someone in a relationship that checks so many boxes, but still longing for this one piece that's also really, really important. And it happens to be a kind of intimacy where you need to be more careful about how you approach it, because you don't want to inadvertently hurt someone you love, or threaten the other things that you value so much. But at the same time, if you can do it well enough, even if it will never be perfect, just maybe you can have the different types of intimacy you want. There's also the combined excitement and scariness of not knowing how you and your partner will grow and change through the experience. Not an easy thing, and no guarantees. But given some of the challenges you've weathered and situations you've already overcome, certainly not impossible.

[OrinDac]

TiffboBiff 

 

I cannot express to you how much I understand what you are going through.  I'm in almost the exact same boat as you are.  My wife and I have an amazing relationship in every other aspect and we are connected to one another in a way that we too describe as soul mates.  When it comes to sex though, we are almost completely north and south.  Not only with respect to our sexuality and mentality towards sex, but also biologically to a degree.  When I'm super in heat and wanting sex a lot, she's almost cold, but when she's at all receptive to sex with me, which is usually more of an emotional thing on her part, I'm usually distracted mentally and emotionally.  

 

We discovered that she was pretty asexual very recently and have been discussing it a lot, and it isn't at all easy.  I'm also an incredibly sexual person and derive a lot of joy out of both giving and receiving sexual pleasure.  I too have been making due with porn and masturbation, which just got a LOT harder, because I kind of gave up porn because of its connection to human trafficking. Though I don't have any toys, because the ones they make for men are shite.  lol.  

 

I also am right with you, even using almost the same wording, when you say that it's incredibly difficult to be as supportive and understanding as one can, without wanting to shout at the entire world for the unfairness of it all, or just howl at the moon.  And rest assured Tiff, there's nothing fair about any of this.  We do not choose who we love and there's little to nothing anyone can do to change their own sexuality.  

 

While my own upbringing was quite cultish and abusive, I cannot imagine the pain of losing a spouse the way yo did when you were younger.  I'm so sorry that that happened to both of you.  You have come out of all of your many difficult and harrowing experiences as a decent person, who is questioning how or if to engage in this, because you don't want to hurt anyone.  You should be proud of that.  Many people allow their past to give them a license to treat others poorly.  

 

I don't really know what to tell you about an open relationship.  I can tell you that the handful that I've been privy to have not worked out and ended badly, but those were also between a number of really selfish and kind of awful people, who didn't care about hurting their spouses and definitely didn't have the problems that you and I are facing.  I think I agree with what people have written above - communication is so important.  It's something I say about relationships in general to people who ask me.  Everyone has to understand one another, and everyone has to be heard, otherwise you're headed for heartache.  It's also not easy either, because your spouse will likely be avoidant about some questions, and others, specifically about different aspects of sex and sexuality, will not occur to him.  

 

If you were to establish firm boundaries and make sure you never did anything that hurt each other, especially if he's the one who suggested it, you could MAKE it work.  Thinking about it for myself, I think...I dunno.  I know she'd not be as receptive to it, and I would feel utterly guilty about it myself.  I think that if it were another couple, and the asexual member of that couple had a relationship with my wife, and they both did stuff together, that might go a long way to making it work.  A unicorn situation I know, but it's food for thought - at least to me.

 

Whatever you choose to do, or how you choose to do it, I wish you all of the luck and hope in the world, Tiff.  I really do.  I hope everything turns out good for you.  

[Guest]

 

46 minutes ago, OrinDac said:

 

 

 

I too have been making due with porn and masturbation, which just got a LOT harder, because I kind of gave up porn because of its connection to human trafficking.

 

There are alternatives that use amateurs that have no links to that. Social media is a big aid in alternatives that are more humane being available. 

[Mountain House]

2 hours ago, OrinDac said:

I think that if it were another couple, and the asexual member of that couple had a relationship with my wife, and they both did stuff together, that might go a long way to making it work. 

I wonder how many of us have had that dream. 

 

But the truth doesn't fit the fantasy here.

 

Open relationships work.  People who succeed at this:

1. Want an open relationship. (enthusiastic consent from all involved)
2. Become masters of communications.  And this means wiping away the cultural normative scripts we are accustomed to and no mind-readering.  Not advanced level but Jedi master level.
3. Become masters of owning their own shit.
4. Become masters of expecting others to own their own shit.
5. Hold up their end of the relationship stick.

I (we) could get much much deeper into each of these things.  For example #2; this means you have to become a master at communicating with yourself.  It is pretty amazing our ability to deny/lie to ourselves.  I can see where therapy with a knowledgeable coach could be very productive.  (In that vein, TiffboBiff, I am sort of surprised that you couldn't get your answer elsewhere?  I see you.  )

 

This is world view changing stuff.

 

OrinDac, I'm not picking on you but just using your words to illustrate how I see things these days.  You don't have to respond, I'm not expecting it.

3 hours ago, OrinDac said:

I know she'd not be as receptive to it,

Is this because:

1. You mind-readered it?
2. You assume it because you are operating by the cultural normative script?
3. You asked, she honestly and with an open mind worked through the question with full understanding of the situation her current relationship is in.  She studied the alternatives, how they work at a human level, internalized these and chooses monogamy.  (This is the very best answer!  This is a good thing.)
4. You asked, she with full understanding of the situation in her current relationship, played the cultural normative script and chooses monogamy.
5. You asked, she denies the current state of her relationship and leans on the cultural normative script and chooses monogamy.
6. You asked, she denies that you asked.
7. You heard her talking with her BFF about that house down the street that always has 3 cars parked out front and decided to skip asking?
8. something else?

3 hours ago, OrinDac said:

and I would feel utterly guilty about it myself.

Why:

1. Because you are holding yourself to a cultural normative standard?  (It is wrong and I shouldn't be doing this.)
2. Because you will be dishonest with your wife?
3. Because you will be taking something from your wife?
4. Because you've honestly and with an open mind worked through the question with full understanding of the situation in your current relationship, studied the alternatives, how they work at a human level, internalized these and choose monogamy.  (Again, this is a good thing.)
5. Because "instead of" seems to win out over "in addition to" in your internal dialog.
6. Something else?

[Traveler40]

18 minutes ago, Mountain House said:

• Become masters of owning their own shit.
• Become masters of expecting others to own their own shit.
• Hold up their end of the relationship stick.

I loved your post! So many times things are a rehash around here, but your breakdown is fantastic. It’s all so true and explicit. Thank you.
 

The part I quoted above is the key to any successful relationship, let alone one that involves more than two.

[Traveler40]

I think the greatest hurdle in most relationships is the “mind-readered it” part coupled with complacency and fear. 
 

Anecdotally and personally, my husband has zero desire to face any of this, but less desire to divorce. It’s in that space between the two where all of our best communication happens. My advice is to find your most conducive space...

[Mountain House]

2 hours ago, Traveler40 said:

 

The part I quoted above is the key to any successful relationship, let alone one that involves more than two.

An interesting side note: One thing that has come out of all of my reading, participating in conversations, podcasts, is the realization that all of it, no matter the title, is relevant to any and all relationships.  Some things, like in your situation learning to be a good hinge, means learning to do those things X 2.  And that's really the only difference.

 

The author of Come as You Are was asked when she was going to come out with the male version.  Her answer was something along the lines, "ignore the pink cover with the vulva metaphor.  There you go."

 

I think everyone should read Opening Up.  It would be the first text of my Jedi Master Communicator course.  Hmm, or maybe Eight Things I Wish I'd Known About Polyamory: Before I Tried it and Frakked It Up.  That one really does boil down to communication.  And yes for those wondering, I mean committed monogamous marriages too.

 

2 hours ago, Traveler40 said:

I think the greatest hurdle in most relationships is the “mind-readered it” part coupled with complacency and fear. 

 So, beginner/intermediate communication skills.  Adding #2 back are you?   

[Memento1]

Hey @Mountain House!  I'm coming out of lurking just to say I love your outlook on all of this, and I'm so impressed by everything you share.  Off of one of your links to polyamory.com I discovered the wealth of fantastic relationship advice in the polyamory world.  And I agree, it's totally relevant to any and all relationships, even monogamous ones.  So thank you so much for sharing these great resources and being such an inspiration to me.

 

Back into hiding I go

[Mountain House]

[Nerwen88]

Hi! I open a similar topic some time ago and I'm in a similar situation, with the difference I just started seeing someone and I'm not sure what is gonna happen.

This year has been really hard and surely made everything that I am feeling worse, to the point I couldn't ignore the situation anymore.

Me & my hubby also want to do some couple counseling but haven't started yet (it's really expensive and we can't afford it right now, so we are waiting for a sort of charity one) because I do want to work on our relationship and talk about this open marriage thing.

So my hub agreed to open relationship because he feels bad that he can't give me what I crave, but also doesn't want to know anything about it, which I understand but is not what I imagined because I kinda feel I'm lying to him (even tho I'm not).

For him it's too hard to think about me with someone else, even only physical.

As I said, I just happen to meet someone interesting and wanted to give this a try, so I officially have a fwb since 3 weeks 🤷🏻‍♀️ I don't think I could have unattached sex like tinder dates, I need a little connection and the connection with my fwb is good. Strangely enough, it doesn't feel weird when I am with him. For the past weeks I've been quite excited about it feeling like I was a teenager again (and this was kinda hard for my hub, I know and I've tried to be casualbut I was so excited). Now the initial excitement has subsided a bit but oh my it feels so good to have sex again with someone that really wants you.

It has been 4 years that things were not really happening and I realized now how much I suffered.

So long story short I have no idea on what's gonna happen but I am quite happy and excited so far. I know that I definitely want to work with my relationship with my hubby and want to be with him.

We are still adjusting and working out rules, as I'm still adjusting with my fwb.

So I really just wanted to share, I don't have any answer but I do believe everything happens for a reason. We got married last year so I definitely don't want to give up on our marriage, as well because apart for the sex things with my hubby are really good, but I am sure that anything will have a reason anyway.

 

Also, tried to read The ethical slut but I find it so boring I fall asleep every time I start... I just read 30 pages but I hope I can continue. I can say even if it makes sense it's hard to let go of the concept they inculcate in you since you are a baby.

[Mountain House]

21 hours ago, Nerwen88 said:

Me & my hubby also want to do some couple counseling

So the mission has launched.

Check out non-profit groups like https://openpathcollective.org/.  Be specific with your choice, LGBTQIA+ and poly friendly.

I'm of the opinion that if a person think's that maybe they need a counselor then they probably do. 

 

21 hours ago, Nerwen88 said:

For the past weeks I've been quite excited about it feeling like I was a teenager again (and this was kinda hard for my hub, I know and I've tried to be casualbut I was so excited).

This is NRE.  It's not over.  Be super aware of how this affects you.  Be sure you husband is getting his needs met.  For example, don't entrench yourself in a text conversation with fwb while on hubby date.

 

21 hours ago, Nerwen88 said:

Also, tried to read The ethical slut but I find it so boring

Lol.  Me too to be honest.  Opening Up works in small chunks.  Maybe this would be better: Multiamory.  They have a start here page with a beginners guide.  I haven't read Dedeker's book (Smart Girls Guide to Polyamory) so I can't comment except to say I've listened to her enough I would give it a shot.

[Nerwen88]

2 hours ago, Mountain House said:

So the mission has launched.

Check out non-profit groups like https://openpathcollective.org/.  Be specific with your choice, LGBTQIA+ and poly friendly.

I'm of the opinion that if a person think's that maybe they need a counselor then they probably do. 

 

This is NRE.  It's not over.  Be super aware of how this affects you.  Be sure you husband is getting his needs met.  For example, don't entrench yourself in a text conversation with fwb while on hubby date.

 

Lol.  Me too to be honest.  Opening Up works in small chunks.  Maybe this would be better: Multiamory.  They have a start here page with a beginners guide.  I haven't read Dedeker's book (Smart Girls Guide to Polyamory) so I can't comment except to say I've listened to her enough I would give it a shot.

Thank you for your answer! I missed your answer on my other post, hadn't logged in in long time.

 

Yes I definitely want to go to couple counseling, I also think my hub will benefit from it because he's always quite closed and doesn't share as I would like, so I hope this could help him open up.

 

In regards to NRE that's definitely true, it's very exciting. I am making sure that I always pay attention to my hubby when I am with him, putting my phone away so I am not tempted to look at it etc... It was difficult for the first weeks but now I feel things are adjusting also with my fwb, so it's a bit easier :)

[Traveler40]

Totally random input: NRE never gets old in some relationships. I’m not sure if that’s normal, a bene of “more than two” or an anomaly. 
 

After diving then dinner last night, we parked around the corner from my house to....well...connect in the car like we might have 30 years ago. 

 

NRE 4 years in IS a thing. What’s that called? 
 

I call it being in love 💕

 

(So, he accuses me of being 12 much of the time and may have a point...)

[Traveler40]

Wait - my POINT for you fine folks got lost in my digression!

 

If you’re in an open relationship, you always must balance things. It’s part of the deal. NRE reactions aren’t factors that ever go away I suppose. Even if they did, you still must always be cognizant and vigilant. Delivering pain to your spouse is a surefire way to watch that relationship fail IMO.

[Mountain House]

On 12/19/2020 at 3:26 PM, Traveler40 said:

What’s that called?

ORE

 

And some of us do have it forever.

[glyders]

It always strikes me as odd when people suggest an open relationship (or indeed leaving) as a possible solution. It makes it sound like there are plenty of people queueing up and the only reason they aren't already involved is because of the closed relationship. There never seems to be any acknowledgement that there might not be anyone else prepared to go out with the sexual one.