Weird things you believed about sex and attraction before you knew about asexuals

[IrishKerry]

I have only recently realised I was asexual and I am in my forties now.

 

I have been doing a lot of thinking about my life looking at it through an asexual lens and I realised I have at times believed some really strange things about sex, attraction and allos.

 

I remember being a young teenager and being really Confused about heterosexuality and homosexuality. I genuinely thought you had to pick one and you would magically wake up on your 18th birthday and pick one to be😂 I was really confused about how to pick one. In my mind there was no difference between boys and girls.

I did find out bisexuality and was relieved I didn't have to pick one.

 

It blew my mind when I was in my 20's and realised people were serious about only being attracted to only one sex.

 

Of course I have also recently come to the conclusion that people are serious about liking sex.

 

What weird thing did you believe about sex, sexual attraction, etc. Before you found out about asexuality?

 

[Purple Red Panda]

8 minutes ago, IrishKerry said:

It blew my mind when I was in my 20's and realised people were serious about only being attracted to only one sex.

I still find it a bit odd even now at 40. I find it easier to compute no attraction than I do mono-attraction. I get that for a lot of people that is how they experience things and obviously there is nothing wrong with that but I still find it strange simply because it's hard for me to imagine.

[Jerik]

lol that's a good question. Similar to you I thought people had to choose one or the other attraction wise. I also was taught a lot that sex was like the end all be all, that it equalled love or something.

 

 

[LoveNotSex?]

I thought that hetero-, homo-, bi-,... sexuality refers to romantic attraction. Since I thought most people are (gray-asexual) like me (another weird thought) I didn't realize that sexual attraction really exists as a relevant, strong, even defining feature.
Furthermore, I thought libido is the same as sexual desire, so since I have a libido, I'm sexual and not on the ace spectrum.
And I thought that most people would be fine with just masturbating instead of having partnered sex in order to release sex drive, and that they kind of just pretend to prefer partnered sex because they're too ashamed to admit the former.

[Morays]

[Edit: realized this was more a misconception about sexuality than a belief about it. Carry on.]

Edited December 10, 2020 by SocialMorays

[IrishKerry]

I also thought the obsession with sex was made up by Hollywood and the entertainment industry. I thought every one felt the same as me 😂

[Anthracite_Impreza]

I genuinely did think people only had sex to make babies, cos otherwise what was the point? :x

[Guest]

43 minutes ago, IrishKerry said:

 

What weird thing did you believe about sex, sexual attraction, etc. Before you found out about asexuality?

 

I used to believe I was going to do things the traditional way like most people but I'm so different, and I love it. It's ok to be "untraditional".

[Cowgirl_Kat]

I didn't realize abstinence was hard for most people. Or that people actually fantasize about having sex with celebrities, teachers, and total strangers/people they barely know. I was also very confused by the appeal of hook ups or why people would get into relationships with people they just thought were sexually attractive. I was also way too old when I understood that sexual attraction was different than libido, and that romantic attraction was not the same as sexual attraction. (Which is why I thought I was straight, and now realize I'm a heteroromatic ace).

[Gifted With Singleness]

Growing up, I thought of sex pretty much entirely in terms of rules and obligations. Abstain from sex outside of marriage, find someone to marry, and then have sex within that marriage. It's just what you're supposed to do, in the same way that you do your homework, get your degree, find a job, and pay your taxes. It would be nice if you happened to enjoy these things, but that's not really why you do them. You do them because you have to in order to be a functioning member of society.

 

This mindset was actually reinforced by the way my religious environment taught me about this stuff (or at least by the ways that I misunderstood the lessons). Some pastors were so afraid of people setting their standards too high that they told us to prioritize dating someone we can get along with, rather than someone who just happens to have a smoking hot body. The way I heard this was that attraction should be completely irrelevant to finding a partner, and you should just date your friends. (This led me to conflate friendship with romance in my head, which made it incredibly difficult to realize I was aro.) Some pastors were so afraid of people committing adultery that they wanted us to make sure to have frequent sex in our marriages, which I interpreted as saying that sex is nothing more than an obligation.

 

I practically lived my life as though sexual and romantic attraction didn't even exist in the first place, or if they did exist, they didn't matter much. Sex just seemed like a ritual to me.

 

Because of this, and because I never really had any sexual instincts, I fully expected that, one day, someone would teach me the detailed mechanics of sex, kind of like how you might teach someone how to drive. Check your mirrors, put on your seat belt, put your foot on the brake, turn on the ignition, shift the car into reverse, look over your shoulder to watch for potential danger as you take your foot off the brake to back up, use the steering wheel to turn the car, put your foot back on the brake once you're sufficiently backed up, look forward again, shift the car into drive, take your foot off the brake to start moving, put your foot on the accelerator and use the steering wheel to point your car in the right direction, put your foot back on the brake as you get closer to the stop sign, use your turn signal, watch for oncoming traffic, and turn onto the other street when the coast is clear. None of that has anything to do with expressing passion or your innermost desires (even if you still enjoy driving). It's just a series of steps that you have to make sure to follow in order to operate your vehicle properly. If you screw up badly enough, you can damage your car or get into a wreck. These steps need to be taught in drivers' ed, and the more you get used to the car, the easier it gets.

 

That's how I thought sex worked. There's a prescribed, detailed sequence of steps you have to follow in order to have sex properly, and it made sense to me that there should be a class where the teacher explains these steps. There would be diagrams, and we'd have to take notes as the teacher presented a PowerPoint slide show outlining step 1, step 2, step 3, etc. It's all just purely ritualistic and mechanical, completely devoid of emotion. Maybe the teacher would even bring in a couple for a live demonstration, using one of those pointing sticks to bring attention to the relevant body parts as they were going at it (although I was still smart enough to know that this would be rather extreme).

[TrustTheCloak]

I thought nobody really liked sex until late middleschool.

I consider le devils tango in a very detached way. A more scientific, clinical way

I had always thought that it was such a great thing to have a kid, becasue wow "imagine being willing to have sex for that". I thought it was so cool of my parents to do it for a kid. 

To me, it seemed like a sacrifice people were okay with making for the prospect of kids.

NOPE

Apparently it is NOT /j

[✨jupiter✨]

Commercials! Like, commercials with models and bikinis. I didn't know that they actually turned people on, I thought it was kinda just like celebrity endorsement or something. Haha

Edited December 11, 2020 by ✨jupiter✨

[uhtred]

8 hours ago, IrishKerry said:

I also thought the obsession with sex was made up by Hollywood and the entertainment industry. I thought every one felt the same as me 😂

That seems common. My wife is in he late 50s and still believes that.  The thing is, once you believe it, its easy to interpret everything you see through that lens.

[k-t]

On 12/10/2020 at 2:35 PM, Gifted With Jingle Bells said:

Growing up, I thought of sex pretty much entirely in terms of rules and obligations. Abstain from sex outside of marriage, find someone to marry, and then have sex within that marriage. It's just what you're supposed to do, in the same way that you do your homework, get your degree, find a job, and pay your taxes. It would be nice if you happened to enjoy these things, but that's not really why you do them. You do them because you have to in order to be a functioning member of society.

 

This mindset was actually reinforced by the way my religious environment taught me about this stuff (or at least by the ways that I misunderstood the lessons). Some pastors were so afraid of people setting their standards too high that they told us to prioritize dating someone we can get along with, rather than someone who just happens to have a smoking hot body. The way I heard this was that attraction should be completely irrelevant to finding a partner, and you should just date your friends. (This led me to conflate friendship with romance in my head, which made it incredibly difficult to realize I was aro.) Some pastors were so afraid of people committing adultery that they wanted us to make sure to have frequent sex in our marriages, which I interpreted as saying that sex is nothing more than an obligation.

 

I practically lived my life as though sexual and romantic attraction didn't even exist in the first place, or if they did exist, they didn't matter much. Sex just seemed like a ritual to me.

 

Because of this, and because I never really had any sexual instincts, I fully expected that, one day, someone would teach me the detailed mechanics of sex, kind of like how you might teach someone how to drive. Check your mirrors, put on your seat belt, put your foot on the brake, turn on the ignition, shift the car into reverse, look over your shoulder to watch for potential danger as you take your foot off the brake to back up, use the steering wheel to turn the car, put your foot back on the brake once you're sufficiently backed up, look forward again, shift the car into drive, take your foot off the brake to start moving, put your foot on the accelerator and use the steering wheel to point your car in the right direction, put your foot back on the brake as you get closer to the stop sign, use your turn signal, watch for oncoming traffic, and turn onto the other street when the coast is clear. None of that has anything to do with expressing passion or your innermost desires (even if you still enjoy driving). It's just a series of steps that you have to make sure to follow in order to operate your vehicle properly. If you screw up badly enough, you can damage your car or get into a wreck. These steps need to be taught in drivers' ed, and the more you get used to the car, the easier it gets.

 

That's how I thought sex worked. There's a prescribed, detailed sequence of steps you have to follow in order to have sex properly, and it made sense to me that there should be a class where the teacher explains these steps. There would be diagrams, and we'd have to take notes as the teacher presented a PowerPoint slide show outlining step 1, step 2, step 3, etc. It's all just purely ritualistic and mechanical, completely devoid of emotion. Maybe the teacher would even bring in a couple for a live demonstration, using one of those pointing sticks to bring attention to the relevant body parts as they were going at it (although I was still smart enough to know that this would be rather extreme).

this an interesting way to think about it. i like the comparison you made to driver's ed, i can definitely see where that was coming from

[Steel13]

I grew up in a really rough town where a lot of my friends/acquaintances had kids towards the end of middle school and lots of other friends who got married right after high school graduation. I always figured that sexual attraction was a cultural thing that people learned from their peers. Because people told me as a child that people get married at older ages in other places, I figured that people who grew up in poorer neighborhoods just learned to feel really attracted to people so they would be ready for marriage and children sooner to fit in with everyone else. I thought that rich people must not feel sexual attraction the same way because they could wait as long as they wanted to get married. I was completely confused by the hype about sex and thought that the only reason I didn't feel sexual attraction was because I didn't want to get married yet or have babies.

Honestly, my ideas about sexuality were pretty messed up as a child; I am only realizing it as an adult.

[Obsessed_With_Dragons]

Before seeing AVEN (even after identifying as ace), I didn't realize that it was actually normal for teenagers to have sex. I thought it was something that only especially "rebellious" high school students did, and that most people waited for adulthood. 

[IrishKerry]

3 hours ago, Obsessed_With_Dragons said:

Before seeing AVEN (even after identifying as ace), I didn't realize that it was actually normal for teenagers to have sex. I thought it was something that only especially "rebellious" high school students did, and that most people waited for adulthood. 

Me too, I couldn't figure out why they wanted to. I must admit I did think my friends in school were making it up 😲

[Adon shun]

Well I grew up not thinking about sex at all, everytime I saw something vagely sexual I thought something like "not my business so let's ignore it ". I also thought sexual attraction wasn't real at all and that it only appeared in TV or romance novels.

I never really understood when people talked about wanting a boyfriend or a gilfriend but without intention of getting married, like: that's what those are for aren't they? If you're not getting marrried whatever do you want one for? When I asked they told me: "you're still young someday you'll get it". So I believed them, it was a mistery to me but I told myself "You'll get it when you're older"  then I kept getting older and older and still didn't really understand, tbh I still don't now, the thing is there was a period of time I thought I had finally resolved the mistery and it was a bit like this:

People get girlfriends or boyfriends to fit in and select marriage partners, it's just someting that you have to do.

Sex it's a necessary step to get married like: you have a ceremony, fill some papers, exchange rings and then have sex, if you don't do that you're not married.

Marriage is like finding a job, something do to be an adult.

Casual sex is because... dunno, are you telling me that's really a thing?

People kiss because is a requirement to being girlfriends/boyfriends,it helps to differentiate between normal friends.

For me attractive was the same as aesthetically pleasing in the artistic kind of way.

Lust and desire are either a made up thing or some king of mind controlling magic that makes people get together and it randomly strikes whe you fullfill certain unknow and mistical conditions.

Romantic feelings are an over exaggeration of romance novel and dramas

 

But then I started highschool and some of my theories got trashed really quickly.

[Black Sesame]

I think one of the things I lacked most understanding for was the concept of sexual desire as indicator for a need, similar to hunger or thirst. When my friends were joking about someone being sexually frustrated, I didn't understand why that could even be a thing. Well into my twenties, I learned that most men have to get off on a regular basis. It was a big shock,  that people satisfy themselves and that there even seems to be a need for it. I thought it was an activity you choose to do for reproduction, like cooking for food. That's also why I didn't understand why people do it, even if they don't want kids. Like, if you don't want kids, then don't do it...simple, right? So, at some point I had to learn that this way of thinking was too immature and most people apparently desire and enjoy this kind of intimacy...

[GalaxyCat]

On 12/10/2020 at 3:49 PM, Anthracite_Impreza said:

I genuinely did think people only had sex to make babies, cos otherwise what was the point?

Same! I remember when I was younger I asked my mom if my aunt was going to have a kid and she told me she couldn't because she'd gone through menopause. My first reaction was feeling happy for her because she wouldn't have to have sex. It never once occurred to me that people 'do the do' with others for personal pleasure.

[Adon shun]

1 hour ago, Black Sesame said:

I think one of the things I lacked most understanding for was the concept of sexual desire as indicator for a need, similar to hunger or thirst. When my friends were joking about someone being sexually frustrated, I didn't understand why that could even be a thing.

same, I didn't even know females could masturbate, I knew boys could because of biology class but the thought of girls doing it too never crossed my mind because I thought they were all like me.

 

1 hour ago, Black Sesame said:

So, at some point I had to learn that this way of thinking was too immature and most people apparently desire and enjoy this kind of intimacy...

Took me some time to get it too.

[Black Sesame]

2 hours ago, Adon shun said:

same, I didn't even know females could masturbate, I knew boys could because of biology class but the thought of girls doing it too never crossed my mind because I thought they were all like me.

 

Took me some time to get it too.

Oh yeah. That's still fairly new information for me, which I learned by accident when watching a movie QAQ. I'm still not sure how many people really do this...uh, probably better not to know the details haha

Edited December 12, 2020 by Black Sesame

[Liah_]

On 12/10/2020 at 10:02 PM, IrishKerry said:

LyI remember being a young teenager and being really Confused about heterosexuality and homosexuality. I genuinely thought you had to pick one and you would magically wake up on your 18th birthday and pick one to be😂 I was really confused about how to pick one. In my mind there was no difference between boys and girls.

I had a very similar experience to that. I knew all about the different sexualities: homosexual, bisexual, heterosexual, pansexual and whatever else there is. I thought that anyone could be whatever they want to. I believed it had something to do with one‘s own mindset. For example a very religious person wouldn‘t be homosexual, because their beliefs tell them it‘s wrong. I was certain that actually you could become bi- or pansexual if you‘re okay with it yourself.

 

Looking back it makes sense that I thought like that. I didn‘t know I was asexual and I didn‘t care about the gender of a possible partner. I always thought personality was the most important thing and it made sense to me that one could fall for a person entirely for their personality and disregarding their gender.

 

I even told my friend about what I thought was the case and she agreed and I then was convinced that this was how it worked. It‘s really funny because my friend is asexual as well (she didn‘t know about it back then).

[AppleSas]

I think most aces relate to thinking we have to choose our attraction or that we'll wake up with it. 

[cakeandcats]

This is kind of an obvious one, but ‘hot’ for me always meant ‘wow how pretty/I love their hair’ rather than ‘I want to have sex with that person’. Same with ‘sexy’. I never got that people would want sex with people on TV.

[Black Sesame]

11 minutes ago, cakeandcats said:

This is kind of an obvious one, but ‘hot’ for me always meant ‘wow how pretty/I love their hair’ rather than ‘I want to have sex with that person’. Same with ‘sexy’. I never got that people would want sex with people on TV.

I think I'm having an epiphany now. This never even crossed my mind 😂

[Sandfire12]

On 12/11/2020 at 9:27 AM, Cowgirl_Kat said:

Or that people actually fantasize about having sex with celebrities, teachers, and total strangers/people they barely know.

Mood!! I still can't quite believe this, to be honest. I was having a conversation with an allo friend who said she's sexually attracted to her favourite actors. I was there like "this is a thing that actually happens????" Lmao

[KayleeK]

On 12/13/2020 at 1:34 AM, Black Sesame said:

Well into my twenties, I learned that most men have to get off on a regular basis. It was a big shock,  that people satisfy themselves and that there even seems to be a need for it. I thought it was an activity you choose to do for reproduction, like cooking for food

Yes I can't really understand sex as a need. Do people really feel the need to have sex? Like sometimes i get a sexual feeling, maybe you'd call it libido, but it just passes, i dont feel like i must have sex now so badly!   I never feel this uncontrollable need for sex ???

[KayleeK]

When i was a young teen I used to feel sorry for women when they got married. I thought poor things now they're going to have to have sex !  I just thought sex was this thing that women had to endure from men, so i decided i wanted to be a nun. I didnt realise till i got older that women can actually enjoy and want sex. It just seemed to me it would be painful and unpleasent. It still surprises me sometimes when i remember that people are actually wanting to have sex with eachother 

[KayleeK]

On 12/11/2020 at 9:35 AM, Gifted With Jingle Bells said:

Because of this, and because I never really had any sexual instincts, I fully expected that, one day, someone would teach me the detailed mechanics of sex, kind of like how you might teach someone how to drive. 

On 12/11/2020 at 9:35 AM, Gifted With Jingle Bells said:

That's how I thought sex worked. There's a prescribed, detailed sequence of steps you have to follow in order to have sex properly, and it made sense to me that there should be a class where the teacher explains these steps. There would be diagrams, and we'd have to take notes as the teacher presented a PowerPoint slide show outlining step 1, step 2, step 3, etc. It's all just purely ritualistic and mechanical, completely devoid of emotion. Maybe the teacher would even bring in a couple for a live demonstration, using one of those pointing sticks to bring attention to the relevant body parts as they were going at it (although I was still smart enough to kno

 

I feel similar about sex but also forming relationships with people in general. I keep wondering how does everyone know what to do? How do relationships work, how do i know if someone likes me, how am i supposed to know if i like someone, what do i say, how do i ever feel comfortable around someone, how on earth does sex even work ???? I feel like i missed reading the handbook on all of that stuff