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Interview in the Independent..


BunnyK.

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http://news.independent.co.uk/people/profi...icle2081579.ece

Honestly, to me this person sounds like kind of a pill. She rants about how women give up so much of themselves to relationships, and how she's escaped that trap, blah blah, without giving much thought to the idea that they might find happiness in adjusting to others.

On the other hand, it's always cool to see someone defying tradition and living the way they want to.



2014 Mod Edit: The above link doesn't work anymore, but the content can be found here. For future reference:


Personal Column: A sex-free life
Russell Brand says he wants to refrain from sex for a while. Julia Woods, 38, could give him some tips. She hasn't had a relationship since her teens

Interview by Alice Douglas
Published: 17 December 2006

My first and only sexual relationship was when I was 16. It was the one time I've been completely infatuated and I hated it. Falling in love felt like a travesty of free will. It was as though I was a snared animal. I was madly in love with him, but didn't want to be, so I became deliberately difficult. I would go into fits of jealous rage.

I slapped him once. I wanted him to finish with me so I could get him out of my system, even though he was breaking my heart. When that intensity of loving is there it can't last. I was in constant fear of betrayal. After four months he ended it. It was heart-breaking but it was a great relief as well.

I'd had a brief relationship before but just kissing and cuddling. I had a deep belief that I should not get close to someone. I read Oscar Wilde's "De Profundis" [a letter to his former lover, from prison] around that time and it had a profound effect on me. I saw myself as Bosie.

It was like reading about myself and my own destructiveness, the attention-seeking and the anger. I thought of it as an example of where relationships can lead and how destructive they can be.

Although I was only just 17, I realised that my life was going to change for ever. It was like taking a religious vow. I told myself that this was my destiny and decided to be celibate. Ultimately we are born and die alone. That's the reality. If you can live contentedly with just yourself, I believe that's the best way.

I don't have emotional weak points now, and I think that is because of taking this vow of celibacy. I've had no relationships since that first one and I don't miss having sex. I don't think about it. If someone is attractive, I'm not turned on. I've become asexual.

Lots of people have been in love with me. Men friends at some point always make a pass or declare their undying love. Being unattainable often makes them more determined. The mystery factor appeals. I like the idea of being like a goddess and a bit mysterious, but not the idea of opening up my heart.

I don't want to have children at the moment and certainly wouldn't do it just because other people are. Perhaps one should never say never but I'm not actively considering it. If I did, it would be by artificial insemination.

I feel quite happy that I have been true to myself as a person. I haven't compromised and I'm proud of that. When I'm at home I don't feel the need for someone else pottering around - in fact I feel that I could never live with anyone else. I hope I don't come across as negative and depressed. I love my own space and I love my house. I have put tons of energy into creating my home.

Women in relationships compromise so much and when I look around I don't envy any of the ones I know. It's almost as though they've been possessed by a person and feel they can't do what they want or behave like they want to. And they dissipate so much energy. I have an artist friend who's been involved with some pretty dodgy men and admits that her art has suffered which is a shame because she's superbly talented.

I am not lonely. I have quite a lot of good female friends and a close male friend who I've known for a long time. We have a powerful bond of friendship.

I live and dress in Wilde's period, and this takes up a lot of my energy. I've analysed this and I think that as an outsider I feel a need to connect to the past. In our society we are cut off from the continuity of the past because there has been so much change and upheaval in such a short time; I want to feel connected to something that took place before that happened.

And I'm devoted to my writing. It's a very solitary pursuit. You have to live in your own head and get on with it. It takes a tremendous amount of focus to plumb your psychological and intellectual depths; the distraction and turmoil of a relationship wouldn't help.

My childhood was pretty idyllic except at school. I was an only child and a bit of a loner and hated the tiny village primary school I went to. I used to run off and lock myself in the toilet all the time. I was picked on. People said I was too clever for my own good because I used long words and was different. I didn't like other children much. I found them irritating and silly and noisy.

I was sent to a child psychologist. I'm quite vain and enjoyed talking about myself - we got on quite well. She told me I was level-headed and mature and was impressed by my level of understanding and ability to communicate with adults.

Children are resilient and adaptable - I just got on with life. I was imaginative, always reading and writing. I remember going for lots of walks with my dad, reading stories with my mum. We have always been close. What's great about childhood is that no sex is involved so you don't have all that complication and pain. My vow of celibacy guarantees that I will always have the freedom and innocence that is so liberating in childhood.

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I hate to tell yah this... but yeah, even though she is a pill, I agree with her. Women do give up too much to be in a relationship. I've seen a lot of decent women take a heap of abuse from men and still they stay with him... and I'm glad I'm not one of them!

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I hate to tell yah this... but yeah, even though she is a pill, I agree with her. Women do give up too much to be in a relationship. I've seen a lot of decent women take a heap of abuse from men and still they stay with him... and I'm glad I'm not one of them!

Men take a lot of crap from the women in their lives as well. ;)

It may be hard to understand for those who are truly just not into relationships, but if you are truly the "couple" type, what you give up in terms of freedom and peacefulness is more than made up for by what you gain in fun and intimacy. At least in a good relationship, though it sounds like you haven't seen too many of those.

Though, have you considered they may just look bad to you, because you don't have that personality type, and to the people in them they're really fine?

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I guess every relationship depends on the individuals involved. Romantic ones are no exception - I've seen friends in really unhealthy relationships, but I've also seen people in relationships that have made them happier and more secure.

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It may be hard to understand for those who are truly just not into relationships, but if you are truly the "couple" type, what you give up in terms of freedom and peacefulness is more than made up for by what you gain in fun and intimacy. At least in a good relationship, though it sounds like you haven't seen too many of those.

I pretty much have to side with BunnyK here. (Edit: And Jaybird. Sorry, Jay, didn't see your post there for a minute.)

It sounds like the woman in the article found what was the right choice for her in her own life... but that doesn't mean that all the people who made different choices are somehow screwing themselves over. Some people just have different needs from each other. Is it really so hard to believe?

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Yeah... I know... there are men who are in bad relationships, too... I know this guy who's wife kicked him out, then moved her boyfriend into the house he was still paying the mortgage on... I may have been generalizing a little bit...

I guess everyone must follow their own path in life... but I still see what she's trying to say. I understand what you are getting at, but part of me will always agree with her.

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