Me fraud?

[Jayfeather]

I just often feel like a fraud when I consider being asexual and its driving me mad. Anyone else? Its seriously making me tired. In general I often think of myself as a fruad or traitor to something, or not good enough to have that position. I dont know if its just me being lazy and really not deserving things or if I have some serious problems lol.

[Crystallux]

I feel similar, and it's a feeling I get a lot. Feeling like I've tricked the people around me into thinking I'm something I'm not. You're 100% not lazy though. What you're describing isn't lazy, and most of the time there is something behind "laziness". And of course you deserve things. I say this knowing it might be hard to believe because I struggle with the same thing. Despite the kindness I try to give to others I'm horrible to myself, feeling like a waste and deserving of nothing. It is beyond exhausting but it's not normal so yes I'd say there is a problem. If there's anyone at all you can talk to to try and pinpoint said problems talk to them, I'm currently taking advantage of some free therapy visits to see if I can improve anything with their help. Unfortunately it can be a slow, slow process which just makes it harder to improve at all.

[Morays]

12 minutes ago, Jayfeather said:

In general I often think of myself as a fruad or traitor to something, or not good enough to have that position.

This is a very common feeling -- I've seen it referred to as "imposter syndrome." It happens to almost everyone in some context, whether it's their job, their creative pursuits, their relationships, or some aspect of their identity. It doesn't have anything to do with laziness -- it's often a byproduct of anxiety, self-doubt, low self-worth leading to a fear of not being "deserving" of what one has, and fear of being subsequently rejected or "found out" by others.

 

It's okay to have doubts and questions about yourself, and that doesn't make you a fraud! It makes you human. Even if you end up not being asexual, that doesn't mean you were "fake" for thinking you were, or undeserving of a place in the community; it just means you were making your best assumption with the evidence you had at the time, and that new evidence has arisen since. That's a healthy and normal process of self-discovery.

[Jayfeather]

10 minutes ago, Crystallux said:

I feel similar, and it's a feeling I get a lot. Feeling like I've tricked the people around me into thinking I'm something I'm not. You're 100% not lazy though. What you're describing isn't lazy, and most of the time there is something behind "laziness". And of course you deserve things. I say this knowing it might be hard to believe because I struggle with the same thing. Despite the kindness I try to give to others I'm horrible to myself, feeling like a waste and deserving of nothing. It is beyond exhausting but it's not normal so yes I'd say there is a problem. If there's anyone at all you can talk to to try and pinpoint said problems talk to them, I'm currently taking advantage of some free therapy visits to see if I can improve anything with their help. Unfortunately it can be a slow, slow process which just makes it harder to improve at all.

Thank you for the reply. I often feel like an "impostor" and lazy when it comes to school and schoolwork.

I actually used to be one of the best students of the class. I practically never had to learn for exams until like 6th-7th grade. I guess to me it was kinda weird that some of my peers had to actually learn for school since young age? Idk, I probably didnt really even care tho. Just to point out that being different or slower in school is absolutely valid and noone should be ashamed of it. In fact I can consider myself being "dumber" (dont take that world seriously) than the others. In 8th grade I went to early high school/grammar school (its common here in my country, basically the "smart" kids often attend this type of a school and if they get accepted, they study 6 years in that school, than graduate and usually go to university afterwards, because these grammar schools are also often a solution for peope who dont yet know what job they wanna have, so its usually like a multi-high school). It was mainly because of bullying I was experiencing in my middle school at that time. I succeeded - didnt have the best nor the worst results, I was like average.

Then it all started. The school was so hard, there was so much of everything. The teachers expected us having time only for their subject. I quickly went from the smart kid to the dumb idiot, at least in my eyes... the first year was the hardest, definetly. I came home and felt so unmotivated. On top of it I could say I had some problems with my mental health - never prooved by a doctor, but I was overall felling pretty down. Yet I feel like I was a fraud, a total failiure. It could have been much easier if I just put more enrgy into school... but I just had no motivation. Even tho I knew I had to study more, I often spent the whole free time when I was supposed to be productive and work just laying on my couch, doing shit, procrastinating and eating chocolate. I had this period of time when the only thing I would be excited for in the whole day would be chocolate and my favourite video game that made me escape from reality.

Its currently my third year inthat school. Over the years and few months I became that lazy idiotic kid from the eyes of the teachers, and from my eyes as well, which I already stated... I am not writing this because I want people to pity me or any of that shit... I just guess I had to vent this out because I dont think I actually ever told anyone? My parents wont understand this "crisis." Or how do I call it, idk. They would probably tell me to stop doing shit at my phone and comp all the day and start actually working and not being lazy. I know them well in that (my mom literally just walked in the room and Im glad and suprised at the same time that she didnt notice I was crying... lol). I seriously dont even know where this is going and Im sorry if this essay of mine bothers you, but talking with strangers about my troubles with life and mental health are actually amazing :DD

So overall, I know I should work more than just laying in a puddle of weird emotions I dont understand, but often times I have such a lack of motivaton to do... anything. I sometimes just sit back and think "is doing this all even worth it? Is it worth trying to be good? Is it worth vacuuming in my room? Should I wash my hair? Should I excersise because my back hurts from doing online schooling?"

[Crystallux]

Sounds so much like me. I had average grades in highschool outside of my worse subject, but then when I tried college I crashed and burned hard. Because adhd people crashing and burning when they hit college is a running gag at this point. However I also started loosing my motivation before then in highscool level around 16 years of age. It was like I suddenly realized how pointless so much of it was. I started skipping more homework and assignments getting away with doing as little as possible while still getting okay grades. It also felt like every teacher forgot students were taking more than one class with some of the stuff they expected you to get done, and I took the easiest classes. Lacking motivation has become a constant for me, for reasons I haven't quite pinned down yet. Maybe I just haven't moved on from leaving school and being lost on what to do next. Just take it one day at a time, you're still in school so you have that time to figure things out. On the other hand school decides a lot of the rest of your life in many places, don't know about you. It's honestly terrible that mistakes early in life can haunt someone for the rest of it. As for your little end list, consider what you really have to do. Maybe you don't have to shower everyday, and if standing up showering is too much sit down if you can. Don't worry about vacuuming your room if you can still see the floor (unless you're made to do it ) As for your back I recommend looking into sitting stretches, exactly what they sound like. They're stretching routines you can do while sitting down. Probably not as effective as other types of excessive but it is something. I personally like the AzbyClub videos on youtube because I find the mix of the narrator and music funny. You can always just pick and choose one or two. Also take breaks, pace around a little. No one's there to tell you to sit back down like a good little student.

Is doing all this worth it? I don't know, maybe if I did something different I'd be happier. Sadder. Different. I didn't though the life I've lived is my only one, and that is worth it. Your life is always worth something. I know that doesn't really address what you were specifically meaning there but sometimes we have to do things we hate and that means finding worth in other places while we get through it, if that makes any sense?

Finally "is it worth it to be good?". Well, what is good? I consider myself a good person (even as I deny myself things because I hate myself, a paradox I know), but it's not something I actively try and do so much as I don't try and be overtly cruel. Everyone has a different good anyways. Many people might say my life isn't good because I act childish for my age. But it doesn't matter what they think, does it? For school specifically, I don't know what kind you go to but many ways what school considers people doing good in many places is actually not good for their development. There's nothing you or I can do about it, we're stuck, but hopefully it makes you feel a little better to know that there is no actual true good to strive for, or like me it could leave you spiraling with no goal in site..

Sorry for rambling so much I just connected a lot with what you said.