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Demi or Gray or ?!


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I hope the following string of thoughts makes sense and someone can help gently untangle it...

 

Having only recently discovered asexuality, I’ve always just thought that in a relationship where I am confident that we mutually love each other, I might be able to have, even enjoy, a sexual relationship.

 

In my 5 decades, I’ve had a couple of relationships in which there was sex, but it wasn’t in a loving relationship that I would have considered committing to (e.g. in marriage) - and I didn’t enjoy it, and I certainly don’t miss it.

 

I fear that without the opportunity to try it in a mutually loving, safe, committed relationship, I may always be left wondering if I was right – and remain feeling unloved/unlovable for life* ☹

But is that just brainwashing from living all this time in a sexual world?  ("you just haven't met the right man")


If anything a/sexual, perhaps it means I’m demi? 
If so, I come to more or less the same conclusion* unfortunately, but perhaps I don’t quite understand demi? (or at this stage of life, have just lost too much hope along the way)

 

However, without having yet had a mutually loving, safe, committed relationship, I still have been able to imagine enjoying sex when I’ve had a crush - the reality with a crush being very far from the fantasy, of course!  I suspect I’d run a mile if fantasy turned to reality – because the safe relationship wouldn’t actually exist. 

 

Does that mean I’m gray?  Or is it again demi?


Or am I just seriously unlucky in love after all?!

Edited by Naomi2002
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If somebody told you that you could never engage in sexual activity (whatever your boundaries are for considering an activity to be sexual) with any other person ever again, how would you respond? You'd still be allowed any non-sexual relationships you want, you'd still be allowed fantasies, and whatever you might do or not do on your own without other people would still be allowed.

 

That question is probably a good starting point, and then further introspection or self-evaluation can proceed from there.

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Thanks for the starting point.  To answer that...

I really wouldn't mind at all. 

I feel a relationship would be a lot less stressful without that pressure.  e.g. [sexual] people seem to want to engage in it far too early on for my comfort (regardless of my a/sexuality) and I wouldn't be "dumped by date 3 or have to deal with it" before I feel comfortable with it (which could be a looong time by that kind of measure!).

And I've not missed what I have experienced in the dim distant past... after the latest 2 of my 5 decades being entirely alone now.

 

I guess I'm trying to work out if I'm (a) missing out on something that I might discover was enjoyable if it was in the context of a safe mutually loving relationship; (b) avoiding [sexual] relationships because I don't know any better than I've experienced ["haven't met the right man"]

 

(nor have I met a fellow asexual ...to my knowledge)

 

Ultimately, feeling that I know a bit better where I'm "at" I hope will help me work out how to go about bringing my alone-ness to an end (tired!). 

I know I would like an exclusive companion with whom to share affection, love, plans, life etc. the way my [all sexual] friends have done for the last couple of decades and more.

 

Apologies for all the brackets!

Edited by Naomi2002
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AceMissBehaving

Demi is always possible, It’s also possible you might just be asexual from some of what you’ve written here.

 

Asexuality is tricky to pin down because it’s trying to prove a negative. It’s possible there’s someone out there that might finally click for you, if there’s not, that doesn’t mean you’re unlovable, or would have to stay alone.

 

You could try dating and saying you’re questioning that you might be demisexual, but are unsure. That would help weed out people looking for sex early on, and give you chance to see if any kind of spark might happen in a relationship where you got to feel comfortable first.

 

I figured out I was definitively asexual in my 30’s, I spent years wondering “have I just not met the right person?” “Am I just having bad sex?”, the one thought in the end that was repetitive and spontaneous was “if sex went away everything would be so much better” so for me that was my ah-ha moment.

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@AceMissBehaving thanks, that's given me a way forward to try. 

What you've described as your experience chimes with me, and I can see me settling towards Asexual (whilst heteromantic) as it does feel like it would be a relief to not have to worry about it at all!

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11 minutes ago, AceMissBehaving said:

Demi is always possible, It’s also possible you might just be asexual from some of what you’ve written here.

 

Asexuality is tricky to pin down because it’s trying to prove a negative. It’s possible there’s someone out there that might finally click for you, if there’s not, that doesn’t mean you’re unlovable, or would have to stay alone.

 

You could try dating and saying you’re questioning that you might be demisexual, but are unsure. That would help weed out people looking for sex early on, and give you chance to see if any kind of spark might happen in a relationship where you got to feel comfortable first.

 

I figured out I was definitively asexual in my 30’s, I spent years wondering “have I just not met the right person?” “Am I just having bad sex?”, the one thought in the end that was repetitive and spontaneous was “if sex went away everything would be so much better” so for me that was my ah-ha moment.

After I found out about asexuality, not being concerned about 'sex' was a huge relief fo me. That being said, that was over 15 years ago and I haven't felt like meeting a member of the opposite sex (I do appreciate my female friends that I've had since before my 'awakening'). I hope I don't come across as a downer on that.

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