I get horny, but become bored when I act on it

[wilddaisy]

I'm a 20 year old female, and I've only been in 2 serious relationships. Since I was about 11 or so, I remember searching up girls kissing. It wasn't until I was about 13 or 14 that I tried masturbating. From what I can remember, I always got bored or became uninterested because I could never focus in on the sensation. Plus, I always get really sensitive which pushes me to stop. My first relationship was definitely toxic and abusive, and I honestly cannot recall if there was ever a time I fully enjoyed having sex. My partner at the time was very pushy and I always gave in so he would leave me alone. I had sex with him because I loved him and wanted to please him. I feel like I'm having this same issue with my current partner. I've always been (still am) attracted to him and the first time we had sex, I initiated things. This is where I get confused. I get horny, watch porn on occasion, and enjoy reading erotica in novels (I'll even try to masturbate). But, anytime I try to masturbate, again, I get bored and lose interest. I've also found myself not wanting to have sex often, as I get "unhorny" during sex. I feel really bad because then my partner thinks it's an issue on his end, but it isn't. I just lose interest really fast. And I feel bad because when I do sometimes get horny and initiate things, I know that after 10 minutes, I won't be enjoying it anymore. This usually leads me to tell my partner he has 10 mins but if it ever goes over that (which it usually does) I'm no longer into it. 

I've thought that maybe these feelings of being uninterested comes from a lack of ever having an orgasm, but sex isn't always about that, is it? I've questioned my sexuality before and have wondering if maybe I'm asexual but I feel like I don't fit "the definition of asexuality". 

 

I'm really confused as to why I may enjoy some aspects of sex, or sex for short periods at a time. I feel like a terrible girlfriend for constantly telling my partner I'm not in the mood, or another time. This sometimes makes me wonder if I should just give in to satisfy him (I know I shouldn't) because of how often I turn sex down. I almost feel like I need a term to justify myself. 

 

Would I technically be considered asexual? Could it just be low libido/sex drive? Is there a reason I lose interest in sexual activity? 

Can anyone shed some light onto this?

[Snao Cone]

There are many possibilities here. (Apologies in advance for the vague non-answer. )

 

It could be that you're not into common forms of sexual activity, and you might find something that keeps you stimulated. 

 

It could be part of another factor, like if you have attention problems that make you get bored quite easily, or if you have negative associations with certain things. 

 

It could be that you're asexual - or close to it, in a grey area - because you ultimately don't desire sex with other people but think you do because of other signs (like romantic feelings, sensual pleasure, and libido). These kinds of feelings aren't always clear cut. 

 

In terms of quickly losing interest, I can definitely relate. Even if I'm feeling the hormones for hours, or I am thinking of a stimulating story of some kind, when it comes to the actual contact, I usually get bored after about 45 seconds of direct stimulation. In my experience with other people I found the excitement of something happening to be thrilling for the sake of something happening, but not that something itself. That made me lose interest right after it started. It took me a while to realize I'm asexual, after a lot of self-reflection. The answer isn't always obvious. 

[Janus the Fox]

Moved to The Grey Area, Sex and Related Discussions

 

Janus DarkFox

Weekend Cover Asexual Relationships, Current Questions about Asexuality, Asexual Musings and Rantings & Open Mic Moderator

[Pej]

On 11/30/2020 at 4:51 PM, Snao Cone said:

 

In terms of quickly losing interest, I can definitely relate. Even if I'm feeling the hormones for hours, or I am thinking of a stimulating story of some kind, when it comes to the actual contact, I usually get bored after about 45 seconds of direct stimulation. In my experience with other people I found the excitement of something happening to be thrilling for the sake of something happening, but not that something itself. That made me lose interest right after it started. It took me a while to realize I'm asexual, after a lot of self-reflection. The answer isn't always obvious. 

Wow, I’ve been searching for a way to describe my sexual experiences because I felt it never fit with the descriptions my friends had of theirs, and you put it into words perfectly! 

[Sean_Bird]

Snao pretty much covered it.

 

OP described pretty close to how I was with my previous partner, but my arousal shifts to excitement after about 2 min max. "Ooh, sex is fun and-- OMG we should get chimichangas-- or enchiladas-- or breadsticks from Olive Garden OMG YES BREADSTICKS LET'S GO DO THAT! GET YOUR CLOTHES BACK ON LET'S GO!" Sex usually ended up being boring and just a good workout, with a few rare moments being briefly satisfying for me. (I'm now with an ace partner and don't have to worry about sex stuff. :P)

 

It took me years of practice and self exploration to figure out how to masterbate to orgasm. It requires the utmost amount of concentration and focus, and most of the time I'd rather be doing something else. If it didn't result in positive emotional benefits, I wouldn't do it at all.

 

I recommend perusing Aven and seeing if any stories from asexuals describing their experiences resonate with you. Also, welcome to Aven!!! 🍰

Best of luck!!❤️