Relationship Jealousy

[GingerRose]

Saw this question in OKCupid.... 

[Phalena]

My under-educated guess is that to a certain degree, it can motivate people to do more nice things for their special one than they would without jealousy. But as soon as it turns sour for others and their so, or the person in question becomes obsessed with their jealousy it's too much and definetly unhealthy.

[GingerRose]

25 minutes ago, Phalena said:

certain degree,

I agree though. I would say that it shouldn't be more than a rare passing thought.

[Guest]

I'd say it can be. It's a normal human emotion, and some people experience it in a healthy way, while some people don't. I'd say it becomes unhealthy when it becomes a regular occurrence, an obsession, or when you start making it out to be the others persons problem rather than your own.

[Sarah-Sylvia]

1 minute ago, GingerRose said:

I agree though. I would say that it shouldn't be more than a rare passing thought.

Well sometimes there's a reason to be jealous, and it won't be a passing thought because something that happened might undermine a committed relationship. But yeah if someone gets jealous from others just talking to their partner or things like that, that's a bit too insecure.

[GingerRose]

Just now, Sarah-Sylvia said:

jealous,

I think you're describing suspicion though.

[Sarah-Sylvia]

4 minutes ago, GingerRose said:

I think you're describing suspicion though.

Well we see it all the time. Jealousy is on a sliding scale, from how small the act was to how big it was.
A guy goes and hugs your partner. No big deal, but some will be jealous, and to me that's too insecure. But then what if it's a guy (or girl) flirting with your partner? then lots more people will be jealous, especially if their partner doesn't turn it down. So that's a bigger thing. Some would be very secure and trust that their partner is just playing around, and wouldn't betray them. But a lot wouldn't and could feel jealous.

[GingerRose]

9 minutes ago, Sarah-Sylvia said:

but some will be jealous,

Yes, I've felt this. Hopefully, a passing thought.

 

Flirting is a whole other story, I feel like I'd be more confused than jealous. Ah, so a good reason to feel jealous, is when something is strange.

[Sarah-Sylvia]

4 minutes ago, GingerRose said:

Yes, I've felt this. Hopefully, a passing thought.

 

Flirting is a whole other story, I feel like I'd be more confused than jealous. Ah, so a good reason to feel jealous, is when something is strange.

Lol. Well, you might be confused at first, but imagine your partner flirts back. At least to me I'd feel pretty jealous XD

I guess I might be upset too, not just jealous. But yeah I've definitely felt jealous. Like sometimes I do feel it for small things and then I remind myself .. relax, it's just normal to have a life besides me, lol. I guess that's what you mean by a passing thought.  I don't always feel that way, but I guess if at that time I felt like I wanted to spend time with them then it can trigger some of those feelings.

[A User]

idk

[Raindrops]

I think getting jealous is quite normal. What matters is how you handle it. Keeping it in and letting it manifest is not a good idea. 😬

[Skycaptain]

I'm only fairly recently into my first relationship, but I don't think jealousy would in any way be beneficial 

[Guest]

"Too much of anything is a trap". 

 

That saying couldn't ring truer, than with jealousy. 

 

Too much of it, is indicative of abusive and controlling behavior. 

 

This is extremely toxic. 

 

However, in some settings I would say that while detrimental, wouldn't see it as toxic. 

 

IE I flirt with a woman heavily in front of my fiancee and act like she isn't there. If she gets jealous and let's go of my hand, I can't possibly blame her for feeling that way. I then know I will be in her dog house later and having to explain. 

 

However, her making a scene and assaulting the woman is where you have blatantly crossed the line. 

 

IE I dated a woman who saw me receive a text and grabbed my phone. It was a woman I was best friends with since high school telling me she was engaged. 

 

That ex accused me of sleeping with her. Ripped into me, and any explanation would end up in me being gaslit into believing I was a horribly disloyal partner. 

 

I unlocked my phone and asked her to look at the texts. It didn't matter. She was hysterical and accusatory. 

 

Fast forward a few relationships to my current one. My ex wife reached out to me while I was with my fiancee. We emailed back and forth a couple times to where I told her I was engaged and continuing to chat would be inappropriate. 

 

I told my fiancee. She was jealous, but simply inquired as to why I reached out to her. 

 

I explained the situation. 

 

She then calmly asked me if we were still talking. I told her no. 

 

"Okay then, so whats the problem?" 

 

She clearly had common sense in knowing an ex bumping into me and chatting is out of my control as is out of hers. How I handle it from there, is what she judges. 

 

There are lines you just don't cross if you respect your partner, and none of them were crossed so was water under the bridge. 

 

Jealousy in a relationship is normal, but can manifest itself in toxic and abusive ways. 

 

It's otherwise normal, but with communication, transparency and openness, should virtually be unexistant in a healthy relationship. 

[Sarah-Sylvia]

I think that jealousy often has immaturity, but in the same way that any feeling of hurt can turn negative. To me it's just about learning to handle those feelings well, voice them, but not be controlling or lash out in anger. I don't understand those who end up being mean to their partner, it's supposed to be about the heart..

I can get jealous, I don't deny the negative side of that, But the way that I try to see the other side is how meaningful the devotion aspect of relationships are to me. In the past I used to think I could be poly, but I was definitely wrong about that, because I do want a level of devotion or at least being on the same page, when it comes to romance.

[SpaceDustbin]

Obviously you should care at least a little about what your SO is up to, but not to the degree that you don't trust them to hang out alone with a friend. 

[Guest]

Normality is not necessarily healthy.

[Homer]

In the context of a (romantic) relationship, I'd see it as a sign of a lot of insecurity.

[Guest]

9 hours ago, Homer said:

In the context of a (romantic) relationship, I'd see it as a sign of a lot of insecurity.

Everyone has insecurities. 

 

It's basically not allowing them to destroy a relationship. 

 

Insecurity and jealousy will eat away at your foundation. 

 

I have seen couples always having to know where their partner is. Always checking up. That type of insecurity, is toxic. 

 

I dated women like this and felt trapped. 

 

IE constantly randomly calling. If you don't answer in 5 seconds, you're cheating. Disregarding the fact that it's 10AM and Monday, so you're at work. 

 

I got fired from a job due to a significant other like this. I was dumb enough to let them control me. 

 

She demanded to know how many women I worked with. If they were attractive. 

 

Her insecurities were so high, I was constantly put under pressure to respond to her texts looking for reassurance. My boss included such things in their complaint towards me when I was called to their board room. 

 

I give all jobs my all, so it was incredibly devastating and embarrassing. However, my boss was right. I wasn't focused. 

 

I had never experienced anything like this, but felt trapped. 

 

Would pick fights to get space. I didn't do it consciously, but realized it once the relationship was over. 

 

That's insecurity that will destroy a relationship. 

 

To me, healthy is where I am running home late and my fiancee assumes am stuck in traffic so would just do her own thing. 

 

She doesn't blast me with WTF where are you, texts. I never feel pressure. I could window shop at a mall, take my time. 

 

She has a girl's night out, I don't hawk over her. 

 

She still has insecurities, but doesn't dump them on me. Vice versa. 

[Guest]

Jealousy is an emotion, and I believe it is unhealthy when left unaddressed. 

 

I have a bit different take on this than a lot of people do. Rather than view jealousy as something to be feared and reviled, I choose to work towards compersion instead.

 

For those of you who aren't familiar with that concept, think of it as "a feeling of joy when a loved one invests in and takes pleasure from another romantic or sexual relationship."

 

Now I realize that most people aren't wired for non-monogamy. I'm polyamorous, but I think that this concept transcends romantic and sexual relationships. Rather than dwell on the fact that my partner or friend isn't with me instead I choose to try to "be happy that they are happy". I'll be quick to tell you that it isn't always easy.

 

I've always told my girlfriend that she's free to date other people as well. That would likely trigger jealousy I'll have to process the first time I see her do it. (She's stated that she's firmly monogamous.) I think seeing me with other people can be a bit hard for her at times, but she lets me go knowing that I'll come back. Fidelity looks different to different people. For most people it's knowing that your partner isn't going out and seeing other people. For me it's knowing that they are still coming back to me even though they do see other people.

[uhtred]

Jealousy can mean different things.  In my case I don't care at all that my wife finds other men attractive or that they may find her attractive.  I might not be happy if she acted on that attraction.