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Asexual Girl And A Straight Guy....{Replies Needed}


Tool1989

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Well now how do I say this....There is a girl whom I talk to a lot at lunch and on the phone and we meet up once in awhile. She is asexual (I am cool with that) and she has VERY strong religious values with Progressive Judasim (I'm cool with that too). Now here is the problem: she is afraid of guys and she gets nervous a lot when I even to try to bring up the topic. I do NOT want sex. All I want is a relationship which is bound by trust and compassion and understanding. I'd like to cuddle her when she is feeling down (especially because it's winter....) although she is VERY uncomfortable with me even holding hands with her. Before she met me, she thought all guys wanted was sex. And a guy kissed her in grade seven as well. Maybe that's why she's uncomfortable toward me. But I can't really push her very far because I know that it is a miracle that she is even willing to talk to me about visiting her house and having supper. My main question is this: In your opinion, is there a chance that the longer that I am around her, the more comfortable she will be around me? I told her that I don't want to go any farther than cuddling many times and it's true. You don't need sex to live. I want to be able to have a girl that I can trust and I want both of us to express our emotions (when we are upset, sad, happy, angry, etc.) and it's really hard to meet people like that at my age (I am 17, and the girl that I am attracted to is 18). And another complicated matter is the problem with my ex-girlfriend. If she does ask me out again, I NEED to know whether me and the girl I like are in a relationship. I know that if I say Yes to my ex-girlfriend, then I won't be able to go to Amy's house (that's the girl I like that's asexual). We have travelled to her synojoge (kinda like a church for Jewish people), walked to many places, chatted for hours on end, played cards, watched movies, and more. I won't be able to do that if I go out with my ex-girlfriend again. There is nobody else who understands about her being Asexual, and that it is bad news to go out with her cuz there won't be any sex. I don't care because relationships don't need sex in order for it to work. I have nowhere else to turn...could anyone help me out and give me some insight about what is going on and what I should/shouldn't do?

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If she does ask me out again, I NEED to know whether me and the girl I like are in a relationship.

As you believe, so it is. If you believe that your relationship to the asexual is workable and worth keeping, then you have to decide where this ex-girlfriend fits into your life.

If you suspect that the relationship doesn't exist, that the intimacy isn't there, then maybe your asexual should be your friend.

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See that's is what is confusing me. We talk about all our emotions, stuff that we wouldn't talk about to anyone else. We aren't always serious though, and I goof off sometimes (I'm fairly humourous). I don't know what you mean by intimacy though. How can asexuals date other people when they don't have any connection with them?

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I think it is absolutely possible that she will get more comfortable with you as time goes by. I know I do. I worry that once I let something start - even something I am comfortable with - my partner will not want to stop, and it will become uncomfortabel. So I just don't allow anything to start in the beginning at all.

BUT...some asexuals just don't like to be touched. Period.

So you need to figure out if she is uncomfortable because she is shy or afraid, or if she really just does not want to be touched. The first may change; the second will not. If it is the second she may after a long time be willing to compromise a bit, but you cannot expect that, and because it is a compromise she will always be uncomfortabel and thus this will always be a potential source of conflict.

But if it is the first option you could have exactly the kind of wonderful relationship you're hoping for..

Thank you for not pressuring her and good luck.

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One more thing: when should I bring all this up to her? When should I talk to her about it?

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