Am I the only one who doesn't view their asexuality as purely "lack of attraction"

[LoveNotSex?]

On 11/29/2020 at 10:22 PM, Georgi said:

This is indeed difficult to dissect... again, speaking just from a personal, but/and theoretical point of view, maybe it refers to the idea that they enjoy it physically/sensually, and not as a thing you do to connect on a sexual level with the other person? Like you do it for something external, in the same way as with the masturbation (or at least I don't feel super fulfilled with masturbation, is just something I could go without... but in the moment it may feel good - not extraordinary - from a sensual point of view... I mean, for me it really doesn't do much, but I keep on reading on the internet that for some is amazing)? The way I see sex for non-asexuals is a way of connecting with each other, enjoying it physically, but in the same time enjoying that all the people involved get a sense of satisfaction because the other(s) is/are enjoying it. And this kind of reciprocation is what makes them sexually attracted to one another... I think it is like speaking the same language or being on the same page, while with those people who say that they are asexuals, but enjoy sex is like speaking a foreign language with someone... you can understand each other, but it may not be the same natural way of expressing yourself like in your native language (I am not saying that all the non-native speakers of a certain language cannot ever come to that level of being capable to express themselves naturally in that language... but this process takes a lot of time and effort... however, I don't think that asexuals that enjoy sex from a physical point of view could attend that natural level of understanding their non-asexual partner feelings, unless their sexuality fluctuates and they no longer are asexuals). So to conclude, I think in this case the desire is not innate... it is more like going for a massage... you like it from a physical point of view, you may enjoy to see your partner(s) is/are happy too, but your pleasure is not the same as your partner(s). Your internal pleasure for yourself that comes from both feeling the same thing/speaking the same language is inexistent. Is like finding an approximation for an idiom in another language, but when you translate it, it loses it's essence if that makes sense. And I guess for this types of asexuals the answer to the question 'How would you feel about never having sex again?' would be something like 'Ok, sex is nice, but I can go without it'.

As a side note, everything I wrote is purely theoretical (I am a sex-averse asexual with no experience in sex) and is just a hypothesis. I don't know how those who claim to be asexuals, but want sex actually feel. I am also conscient and I do admit I may have just split the thread into 4, and there is actually no difference in what I have described for the both sides. I admit that I may have also overlooked some thing or mistaken something for something else. So I do admit that I may be entirely wrong and I don't feel strongly about this answer. And I hope this will not degenerate in a too overwhelming debate, if it is actually going to happen.  And I am sorry if what I wrote is not very clear and  full of mistakes or misundertandings.

Later added: I also don't disagree the fact that some people confuse sexual attraction for aesthetic attraction and say they don't feel the first one, when in fact it may be the other one, then just go out there and state that 'I desire sex, but I don't find people attractive', just because they don't find people aesthetically pleasing.

This describes quite well what I'm feeling (probably gray-a, still questioning). The apparent emotional relevance sex has for sexuals (themselves and their romantic relationships) is what bothers me most. It seems to be an emotion or maybe like a language I don't fully understand. For me, sex is between 'I don't care, I'd rather not waste my time with it' and 'I rather like it, because it's a mixture of the physical pleasure of releasing sex drive, being close to my partner and making him happy'. I'm not sure if the latter somehow qualifies as a weak form of sexual atrraction or desire, but since this 'desire' can also be met by cuddling, masturbation and theoretically making him happy in another way I don't think so.

Another maybe linguistic problem with 'desire' might be that its separation from just wanting something or not isn't completely clear? E.g. if you ask me whether I want a thing x or not and I'd rather say yes than no sometimes, but wouldn't really mind not getting x and wouldn't actively put much effort into getting x, is it a weak from of desire or something entirely different?

[LoveNotSex?]

On 11/30/2020 at 5:45 AM, Marsa said:

I honestly feel like this is very confusing. They actively desire sex specifically with their partner. They say this is solely due their sex drive and not attraction, but say sex drive doesn't mean they would want to have sex with just anyone. To me this screams that they are specifically attracted to their partner and that is why they want to have sex with them and not other people. They say sex for them is physical and emotional, but not sexual, which doesn't make sense on any level to me. I obviously don't know how they are feeling, but it just is really difficult to wrap my head around how this is not just a typical sexual experience. If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and quacks like a duck, then it probably is a duck.

Yes it is confusing, but that might just be the case due to some inaccuracies of the expressions. Actively desiring sex really doesn't sound asexual. However, maybe be author might confuse desiring partnered sex with just the mixture of sex drive (that could be released equally well by masturbation) and liking to be close to the partner/ making them happy.  

"They say sex for them is physical and emotional, but not sexual": This could make sense depending on what is meant by 'physical' and 'emotional'. It can be physical and emotional in the sense of just releasing sex drive and e.g. 'liking the cuddly part of sex (sensual)' and 'nice to make the partner happy'. I'd also say that's different from what sexuals mean.

Before I've learned about some subtle definitions and differences here on AVEN - like the different forms of attraction or the difference between desiring sex (really prefering it to masturbation) and having a sex drive/libido, I might have described what I feel in an inaccurate way, too.
Maybe the author is just wrong and not asexual at all, but we don't know if it's just asexual feelings expressed inaccurately, so I'd be careful with judgement like 'they're not asexual (or even 'they don't beling here and harm the community', as some suggest).

[Exploring]

I think this is one of those tricky perception things. Like describing the color red to someone who has never seen it. 

 

I'm pretty new here, I'm still learning, so take this as you will. I am probably grey, or demi. But a different perspective might help.

 

I've always felt aesthetic attraction, and sensual. I enjoy looking, and sometimes feel the urge to touch. This always confused me, I thought it was sexual attraction, but I never felt an urge to have sex, or to go out and find sexual partners. In a relationship I enjoy sex because it's an intimate, emotional connection, and it also provides a pleasant physical sensation. But the sex was never the goal. It was just a more high contact cuddling. The only reason I bothered finishing in those situations was out of an effort to not insult my partner. There have even been times I initiated sex, because it was the only way I could get the grounding that being held by another person can give (my partner at the time didn't enjoy touching unless it was sexual in nature).

 

But, I have met one person who doesn't fall into that category. It was what gave me the contrast to see the difference, and started me researching this. With her there is occasionally a strong urge (doesn't happen often, but it leaves a lingering desire). Rationally I know I don't need to have sex with her, but when it hits my body/mind are both flooded with a compelling NEED for her that I had never felt, even during the most intense sex. This is also the type of thing that I would hear other people talk about, that my ex would describe, but never understood. It's part of what made me feel alien. I've had intense romantic feelings before, and never felt anything like this. It's confusing, and if I do manage to woo her, I have no idea what will happen. It's actually terrifying. But I digress. Without that experience, I can see how easy it would be to not understand someone wanting to enjoy sex, with someone being driven by a biological function to have sex with a partner.

And to be absolutely clear hopefully this isn't TMI, but I have no interest in masturbating to the thought of her, and honestly don't think that would help in the least. The interest lies in actually being with her. Pressure can be released, but the desire still lingers.

 

Hunger! That is probably the closest sensation I can think of to describe the difference to someone who hasn't felt it. The songs and poems were right.

 

Oh yes, and as for people who enjoy sex choosing to identify as asexual. To non ace understanding people who I don't want to get into all the details with, and wouldn't want that type of relationship with, there is a good chance I would just say asexual, or pretty much asexual. Simply because it's the easier to understand term. They don't need to know my personal details.

[ATallTurtle]

The fact that I am sex averse first led me to question my sexuality but when I learnt that asexuals don't experience sexual attraction I rejected it straight away thinking that's not me! As time passed I realised that the feelings I felt in the past probably weren't sexual attraction or well on THAT occasion it may or many not of been. I could examine every interaction I have had but for me knowing I am very different to allos is enough to identify as ace even if I don't fit the box perfectly.

 

 

[RobL2415]

I don't.

I still find women very beautiful and aesthetically pleasing. I still like non-sexual touching (and even some things that others might find sexual, like cuddling whilst naked).

My asexuality is acute: just no PIV or anal. Has nothing to do with my romantic attraction.

[Carbone-Arts]

i think it varies between people. Some people only see it as a lack of sexual attraction and that sexual desire is totally separate. The thing is I don't experience either of those things, and I identify that with my asexuality *personally.* But not everyone does, and that's cool honestly

[Hadgr]

I can be attracted to people their personalities or even their looks but I just don't want to have sex with them. I guess there are many types of attraction. Even when it comes to choosing friends I am 'attracted' to a certain type of people that fit my personality best. What I think asexual people are lacking is 'sexual attraction' (and it seems to be 50/50 on romantic attraction) but that's just how I view it.

[cinnamon-fae]

Asexual is functionally an umbrella term for people who relate to it in some way. Other sexualities are similar, based on my own interactions with the sapphic community. People may feel pulled to a certain identity because of their sexual attraction (or lack thereof), their romantic attraction (or lack thereof), or their amount of interest in sexual or romantic activities. People prioritize different things when choosing identity labels. 

I feel like a lot of people are starting to dislike the attraction-centered definition of asexual because its so hard to describe what sexual attraction is, or at least hard to agree on a certain description. That's just an observation though. 

[Peace_of_Ace]

Yea, it's weird because I definitely had crushes and things.  I would think a boy was cute and wanted to date him, etc.  But when I actually got to kiss a crush, I felt nothing.  In fact, my reaction was like "ew. 

🤔🤔🤔

...what does this mean?"

 

It was confusing and I had a really hard time figuring out what my deal was.  I considered everything: Am I gay?  Am I prude?  I considered asexuality but ruled it out on account of the crushes.  This is why I think visibility and awareness is so important.  So other people don't have to wait until they're married and in their 30s to figure it out.

 

All this to say, I can be attracted to people (typically in a hetero direction) but it stops there.