Dazzle Ships Posted November 29, 2020 Share Posted November 29, 2020 Did you hear the one about the 45+ year old woman who stumbled onto the Aven website after yet another brouhaha with her spouse over (lack of) sex and after skulking around and reading various posts, a "light bulb went off," had an "a-ha moment," discovered "everything now makes sense," and wished "why didn't I know about this before?" (Raises hand) This is actually my first time being part of an online forum and although I'm not totally comfortable sharing my "coming of ace" moment just yet, I wanted to just dip my toes into the welcome lounge pool and say hello. And, wanted to say TY for this forum and everyone who posts on it. My light bulb moment came around mid-Sept and at first, while everything was upended and I was struggling, AVEN has been a lifeline. I'm in a nearly 30 year solid relationship with the strong and loving support of my spouse and while this revelation has not been entirely surprising, it's still not an ideal world for a sexually mismatched couple to live in. But, is any world completely ideal? Lastly, I have been super impressed by the number of younger people who post on the forum who already know they're Ace or who are fairly sure. I never had this particular type of sexual self-awareness in my younger years. And, equally super impressed by how welcoming everyone is. Welcoming of ideas, identities, rants, raves, opinions, fears, mistakes, etc. Looking forward to engaging on some posts in the future. Link to post Share on other sites
fiji_water Posted November 29, 2020 Share Posted November 29, 2020 Welcome to AVEN!!! Happy to have you here I hope you enjoy it on here, this has been a lovely place for me and many others. Link to post Share on other sites
Lichley Posted November 30, 2020 Share Posted November 30, 2020 Welcome! I’d say a large proportion of the younger generations have simply had more of a chance to be exposed to information pertaining to Asexuality due to recent visibility projects, rather than them having some massive jump sexual self-awareness. Link to post Share on other sites
Let Them Beet Cake Posted November 30, 2020 Share Posted November 30, 2020 Welcome Dazzle Ships!🍰 Enjoy these forums, you're in good company here. Link to post Share on other sites
NickyTannock Posted January 3, 2021 Share Posted January 3, 2021 A very belated welcome to AVEN! And Happy New Year! It's a tradition here to welcome new members by offering cake, and even though I'm so very late welcoming you, here's an "Island" cake, https://cakesdecor.com/cakes/346799-island-cake Link to post Share on other sites
Dazzle Ships Posted January 12, 2021 Author Share Posted January 12, 2021 Hey, thanks everyone! It's comforting to have a resource such as this. Take care and stay safe out there. Link to post Share on other sites
..blenderized.. Posted January 17, 2021 Share Posted January 17, 2021 Hi Dazzle! I just joined today. I’m 50+ in a marriage for 20+ years and just ‘discovered’ my Aceness just over a year ago. I was shocked and so relieved!! My hubby was shocked and confused, and dealt with things well enough, all considering. Even though we haven’t talked about it tons (or as much as I’d like to!), he’s evolved with the change and has been very accepting, which has been kinda crazy to me! I had assumed it would have been an automatic ‘bye-bye’. Thankfully, he values friendship, love and loyalty above sex! Anyway. I’ve only noodles this whole thing in my head all this time, don’t know anyone else, and thought it was time to connect with other folks. Especially, people over 25! 😊 Congrats on putting some puzzle pieces where they belong! 🧩 Link to post Share on other sites
Dazzle Ships Posted January 17, 2021 Author Share Posted January 17, 2021 Oh, so lovely to 'meet' you! It's so nice to connect with someone on the forum my age - thank you for reaching out. I haven't been very active on the forum, but I would love to meet more folks. Especially as an 'older' ace, I'd like to offer encouragement to others but don't want to come across as lecturing or like I know it all. Umm....'cuz I don't!! In fact, I have learned about more lingo, sexual orientations, fetishes, definitions, etc. in the past 4 months than I have in my entire life. I'm so happy to hear that things have worked out in your marriage. At first, we were in a bit of a panic mode but eventually found our way and a path that seems to be working for us although I still have moments of insecurity that he will decide it's time to leave. I acknowledge I have the insecurity but I don't dwell on it. It still feels odd to think of myself as 'ace' - I've never been one for labels or a card-carrying member of anything - but, acknowledging it out loud has completely transformed my view of myself when it comes to sexuality. Having validation and affirmation that it is just a part of who I am is not only comforting but very liberating. Other than my husband and one very close friend, I haven't talked about it with anyone. At my age and having friends for 20+ years, it's not the kind of thing I feel the need to 'come out' about. But, it would be nice to share experiences. If I can figure out how to do it, I can send you a PM if that's okay. Link to post Share on other sites
PenultimateSandwich Posted January 17, 2021 Share Posted January 17, 2021 Welcome!!! I found out when I was 21 but have been denying it for years until just recently. You certainly aren't the only one over their 20's or 30's either. Ever since coming out to my parents, they've basically confirmed that my dad's asexual too. For years, my mom felt so lonely and that he didn't really love her. Their relationship has taken a bit of a blow over this, I will be honest with you, but I think it will do them better and your relationship better now that the cards are on the table. My mom knows that my dad loves her in his own unique way and I think that's a beautiful thing. Best of luck in your journey! You got this! Link to post Share on other sites
..blenderized.. Posted January 18, 2021 Share Posted January 18, 2021 12 hours ago, Dazzle Ships said: Oh, so lovely to 'meet' you! It's so nice to connect with someone on the forum my age - thank you for reaching out. I haven't been very active on the forum, but I would love to meet more folks. Especially as an 'older' ace, I'd like to offer encouragement to others but don't want to come across as lecturing or like I know it all. Umm....'cuz I don't!! In fact, I have learned about more lingo, sexual orientations, fetishes, definitions, etc. in the past 4 months than I have in my entire life. I'm so happy to hear that things have worked out in your marriage. At first, we were in a bit of a panic mode but eventually found our way and a path that seems to be working for us although I still have moments of insecurity that he will decide it's time to leave. I acknowledge I have the insecurity but I don't dwell on it. It still feels odd to think of myself as 'ace' - I've never been one for labels or a card-carrying member of anything - but, acknowledging it out loud has completely transformed my view of myself when it comes to sexuality. Having validation and affirmation that it is just a part of who I am is not only comforting but very liberating. Other than my husband and one very close friend, I haven't talked about it with anyone. At my age and having friends for 20+ years, it's not the kind of thing I feel the need to 'come out' about. But, it would be nice to share experiences. If I can figure out how to do it, I can send you a PM if that's okay. Would love to chat with you!! I concur with a lot of what you wrote. As having been heterosexual for 50 years, it’s kinda a big 180 to have this ‘sudden’ realization. But, man, did it feel so good to have so many things line up and make sense (finally)!! Up to this point, it’s something that’s really only been in my head, so I would love to share!! I’m brand new to aven so have no clue how to PM, but I’ll take a peek after this! 🥰 Link to post Share on other sites
Erin777 Posted January 20, 2021 Share Posted January 20, 2021 Hello, and welcome. I am 46, and have just joined after my daughter suggested I was asexual...never heard of it before! I was in a marriage for 28 years, and we have 2 adult daughters. Unfortunately he did value sex over our emotional relationship, so I am single now. I'm still coming to terms with my new identity and spend a lot of time here learning from others that share some common traits. I hope you like it here too!! Link to post Share on other sites
..blenderized.. Posted January 20, 2021 Share Posted January 20, 2021 54 minutes ago, Erin777 said: Hello, and welcome. I am 46, and have just joined after my daughter suggested I was asexual...never heard of it before! I was in a marriage for 28 years, and we have 2 adult daughters. Unfortunately he did value sex over our emotional relationship, so I am single now. I'm still coming to terms with my new identity and spend a lot of time here learning from others that share some common traits. I hope you like it here too!! Hi Erin! Thanks for sharing that! I am sorry things didn’t work out, but not really - no one should be with someone that doesn’t love and support them, no matter the ‘thing’. I would imagine you are lonely and hurt, but I hope that heals in time, so you can live your authentic life, and feel safe with someone who respects who you are at your core. That is so cute that your daughter suggested you were ace! Gotta love young kids nowadays, eh? :)). I hope both of your kids understand, and support you, and see where your hubby was coming from in not being able to stay with you. Mine, thankfully, so far has, as he says his deeper bond with me in friendship and love is more important than sex. Of course, in a sexual world, someone like us is bound to have some doubt, and I am always waiting for the other shoe to fall, and for him to realize it’s not enough. Which, after a year and a half, I am not scared of anymore. I will not start ‘putting out’ to save my marriage (nor, would he expect me to, bless him), and if he needed to have his needs met and thus leave, then I would totally send him off with love. As long as he wasn’t a dick about it, I mean! Also, I have rolled this around in my mind a lot and have said as much to him, that I wouldn’t really begrudge him if he needed to ‘sow his oats’ casually; I think (in my higher, theoretical mind anyway) that I could forgive him indiscretions, if he needed them, and the rest of our relationship was solid. All that said, it is A LOT to wrap your head around, isn’t it? Suddenly having affirmed that you don’t fit the (hyper) sexual society all around us... I’m exhausted over it, but am so grateful that my whole life, in that department anyway, makes soooo much sense! That’s my natter. Always happy to over-chat, if you want to! Take care. Link to post Share on other sites
Erin777 Posted January 20, 2021 Share Posted January 20, 2021 2 hours ago, ..blenderized.. said: Hi Erin! Thanks for sharing that! I am sorry things didn’t work out, but not really - no one should be with someone that doesn’t love and support them, no matter the ‘thing’. I would imagine you are lonely and hurt, but I hope that heals in time, so you can live your authentic life, and feel safe with someone who respects who you are at your core. That is so cute that your daughter suggested you were ace! Gotta love young kids nowadays, eh? :)). I hope both of your kids understand, and support you, and see where your hubby was coming from in not being able to stay with you. Mine, thankfully, so far has, as he says his deeper bond with me in friendship and love is more important than sex. Of course, in a sexual world, someone like us is bound to have some doubt, and I am always waiting for the other shoe to fall, and for him to realize it’s not enough. Which, after a year and a half, I am not scared of anymore. I will not start ‘putting out’ to save my marriage (nor, would he expect me to, bless him), and if he needed to have his needs met and thus leave, then I would totally send him off with love. As long as he wasn’t a dick about it, I mean! Also, I have rolled this around in my mind a lot and have said as much to him, that I wouldn’t really begrudge him if he needed to ‘sow his oats’ casually; I think (in my higher, theoretical mind anyway) that I could forgive him indiscretions, if he needed them, and the rest of our relationship was solid. All that said, it is A LOT to wrap your head around, isn’t it? Suddenly having affirmed that you don’t fit the (hyper) sexual society all around us... I’m exhausted over it, but am so grateful that my whole life, in that department anyway, makes soooo much sense! That’s my natter. Always happy to over-chat, if you want to! Take care. I'm very glad you have someone who loves you and values you enough to stuck by you. You are fortunate! For me, it was literal decades of arguing about sex, and I couldn't seem to explain why I wasn't in the mood...I can now! My daughter has honestly educated me about a lot. Back when I was her age, I don't think anyone would have known about this, or spoke about it. I would be pleased to chat with you any time! 😊 Link to post Share on other sites
Dazzle Ships Posted January 20, 2021 Author Share Posted January 20, 2021 4 hours ago, Erin777 said: Hello, and welcome. I am 46, and have just joined after my daughter suggested I was asexual...never heard of it before! I was in a marriage for 28 years, and we have 2 adult daughters. Unfortunately he did value sex over our emotional relationship, so I am single now. I'm still coming to terms with my new identity and spend a lot of time here learning from others that share some common traits. I hope you like it here too!! Welcome - so glad you joined! And, that you posted here. It's easy to get lost on all of the different sub-forums, so I'm pleased to 'meet' you 😊 I'm so sorry things did not work out with your husband. This is certainly not an issue that has an easy or simple work around. It sounds like your daughter is very supportive and knowledgeable. Kids these days - so self-aware and "in the know." Blenderized said it best: 3 hours ago, ..blenderized.. said: am sorry things didn’t work out, but not really - no one should be with someone that doesn’t love and support them, no matter the ‘thing’. I would imagine you are lonely and hurt, but I hope that heals in time, so you can live your authentic life, and feel safe with someone who respects who you are at your core. It's been such a relief for me to discover I've been ace my whole life. So many things click and make sense now and I feel so much more at ease and comfortable with who I am. I am also so very fortunate that my husband of 27+ years is supportive and loves me in spite of our mismatch in the sexual realm - we are perfectly matched on every other level. I hope you are staying well and healthy - both physically and mentally - during these trying times. Cheers! Link to post Share on other sites
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