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I'm Lost With My Gender


Ivory__

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I'm AFAB. I don't feel any connection to my birth gender though it's hard to say I feel strongly about any gender in particular. It's been hurting me again lately. For a long time I've been shrugging it off as a placebo effect or a phase because of how often I hear transgender people are seeking attention or "@#!*$!" this and that  (which I know isn't true) or non-binary people allegedly mocking them as a trend. But that's not the case.

 

I feel so uncomfortable when people see me as female. I look at male dancers and feel so envious of how they look - then I look at my body and don't feel like it belongs to me. I've been with my partner for a year but don't feel comfortable talking to him about this because if I'm not 'female' to him I might lose my relationship. I'm very lost. I've played with non-binary for a while but I don't feel any more sure about it.

 

No idea where to go from here. Resources? Therapists? A friend?

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If you wish you were 100% male, then you may be a transgender boy.

If you feel your gender is only partially masculine, you're most likely a transgender demiboy. (Demigenders are useful for those who don't have a strong feeling of gender, as you mentioned before.)

If you don't have a feeling of gender, you could be agender, like I am.

 

Note that these are just recommendations. It's ultimately you that decides your own label.

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Aside from what Mayhair already mention, you could be agender transmasculine as well, where you don't feel like any gender, but you would like to present more masculine, from my understanding (I may be wrong as I am really new to this gender think myself).

Also, if you don't find any therapist near your area or Covid prevents you from this, you could try an online gender therapist (I've heard betterhelp.com is a good website, but I don't know if they have counselors specific for gender matters).

And last, but not least... I have mixed feelings regarding you telling your boyfriend. On the one hand I don't want to tell you to come out when you are not prepared, because this could have a negative influence on your mental health. However, after becoming more okay with you questioning or coming to a point where you are okay with who you are and is different from how people used to know you, it would be good to tell your boyfriend, as he is supposed to be one of the most supportive people in your life and hiding a big part from your identity will only harm you. If he is not accepting of you going through the process of discovering who you really are, well, maybe it is not someone fit for you (but I don't want to imply it in a negative way, as I don't know the person...).

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I've given it some thought and recently one of my friends came out to me as agender non-binary, so I also opened up to them about how I've been feeling. I've looked into and thought about agender transmasculinity as you both said @Georgi @Mayhair and I feel like the label actually fits me, I'm so relieved that I have a name for it now. Talking to and opening up to my friend made me realize it's not all in my head, I've felt euphoric since I did it and validated. It was suspiciously convenient timing though, haha.

 

Thank you so much for your comments, I feel so much better about who I am. I don't feel comfortable about coming out right now, but I'm happy I've found support and a label for myself. I'll probably still look into a therapist for my own peace of mind and navigating telling people (if I ever do). Gender is so much more confusing than sexuality.

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