How did you realize you were aro?

[Eridanus]

Hello!

 

I ultimately found out about aromanticism while surfing through the internet, and decided it described me pretty well after some research. Really though, I think I knew about my lack of romantic attraction before I knew the term. I never had an interest in romance at all. Whenever I was asked who my crush was, I just chose the good-looking guy of the class, and never cared whether or not he liked me back. I could never picture myself in a wedding, and dating seemed to be incredibly exhausting.

 

There are definitely moments when I question my identity, but I suppose it just comes down to self-awareness, which is a lot easier said than done. I realized that I missed a lot of social cues involving romance, and that people weren't exaggerating about heartbreak and finding "the one". I couldn't relate to romance and the societal concepts behind it.

 

There isn't a sure-fire way to know your identity, but I know a lot of people put out possible characteristics of aromantic people that others can relate to. For example, are your criteria for friends and significant others the same? Do you think that society and other people around you exaggerate romance and their romantic life? Do you seem to accidentally flirt with others, although your actions are respectably within the "friendship" boundary?

 

Identities can be incredibly confusing, especially when, in the a-spec community, we are looking for a lack of something. I hope this helped in any way, and I give you a farewell and a goodluck on your journey,

Eridanus

[failing adult]

hi, I'm not like, fully aro but my partner is the only person I've ever liked and I can't picture anyone else. Before we met I had no plans of ever getting into a relationship and didn't feel like I was missing out on much, so I just assumed. 

as for figuring out I was ace, that was more of a process, I initially thought I was a lesbian when I had never had a crush on a boy (poor 11 Yr old me) and i freaked out on my friend and he was like,,, chill,,, and then we'd talk about how pretty girls were with each other,, but then I started noticing that guys were pretty too so I was like,,, bi?? (rip 13 Yr old me) and my friend was like, bet and we'd talk about guys and gals. 

when we both started to get older, my friend started discussing feelings I didn't understand (sexual feelings) and my confusion led us down the rabbit hole until we hit asexual! 

obviously it took me a while to come to terms with it and understand it, and my best friend found it absolutely hilarious that I'd went through nearly half the lgbtqia acronym 

Anyway,, hoped this helped a tiny bit?

[muzza2]

I found identifying as aromantic by far the easiest part, I didn't desire or fantasise about being in a relationship or engaging in any associated acts so I was clearly aromantic.

[Faedra_]

It's funny to think about now, but I did not want to be aro. I knew I was ace, and came to terms with that relatively easily. I still struggled with it, but it was just a name for feelings I had always known that I had had, so I wasn't too perturbed by it. Realizing I was aro, on the other hand, was much more of a struggle. 

 

For a while, I thought I was heteromantic, but it never really rang true for me, so eventually when I became more comfortable with the idea that I was queer, I started looking at my own thoughts and feelings more, and looked around for a label for my romantic orientation (which is not to say that you need a label, and a lot of people are happy not labeling themselves. I just really wanted to know "what" I was, beyond just being ace). 

 

For a really long time, I confused aesthetic and platonic attraction with romantic attraction. I knew I had a "type", and that sometimes I experienced strong feelings of wanting to be around or get to know someone. And because I was confusing platonic feelings with romantic ones, if I had to picture a relationship, I really just pictured a friendship. So for a while, I thought I was gay, because I was more comfortable being friends with girls than with guys. But then I thought about it some more, and I realized that gender didn't really matter for me (again, I was confusing wanting to be friends with someone with wanting to date someone), so I thought I was panromantic for a time, but that didn't seem right. 

 

Eventually, I realized that the problem was that I had never had a crush, really, and that the problem with figuring out my romantic orientation was that I hadn't experienced it. But I desperately didn't want to be alone for the rest of my life (internalized stereotypes, amiright?) so I shied away from seeing if aromantic felt right. I was like, ok I must be demiromantic, because I need to get to know someone well for me to feel close with them. But as I dug around a bit on even, and really started to do real research about asexuality and by proxy, aromanticism, I couldn't deny that it just felt right. It felt accurate, in a similar way that asexual felt like the right term for my sexual orientation. And reading about QPRs and just general positivity towards aromantics really helped me come to terms with it. 

 

It's still something I don't think about a lot, as in asexual still feels more like me than aromantic does (even though I know I am, if that even makes sense) but that might just be because I'm more used to thinking about myself as asexual. 

[VeryAsexyIndeed]

Omg waittt... I relate to everything you just said Faedra... am I actually aromantic?? Watt hmmm I never thought I would find something that actually describes be rather perfectly, that’s great! Thank you💖💖👌But wait, can you be aroace and still be in a relationship? Cause I want to be in a relationship, like a qpr, is that something that some aroaces do? I’m so gonna check into aromanticism more aah thanks again for making me realize this!🥰🥰✌️🌟🖤🤍💚

[21LAUR21]

On 1/14/2021 at 4:37 PM, Faedra_ said:

It's funny to think about now, but I did not want to be aro. I knew I was ace, and came to terms with that relatively easily. I still struggled with it, but it was just a name for feelings I had always known that I had had, so I wasn't too perturbed by it. Realizing I was aro, on the other hand, was much more of a struggle. 

 

For a while, I thought I was heteromantic, but it never really rang true for me, so eventually when I became more comfortable with the idea that I was queer, I started looking at my own thoughts and feelings more, and looked around for a label for my romantic orientation (which is not to say that you need a label, and a lot of people are happy not labeling themselves. I just really wanted to know "what" I was, beyond just being ace). 

 

For a really long time, I confused aesthetic and platonic attraction with romantic attraction. I knew I had a "type", and that sometimes I experienced strong feelings of wanting to be around or get to know someone. And because I was confusing platonic feelings with romantic ones, if I had to picture a relationship, I really just pictured a friendship. So for a while, I thought I was gay, because I was more comfortable being friends with girls than with guys. But then I thought about it some more, and I realized that gender didn't really matter for me (again, I was confusing wanting to be friends with someone with wanting to date someone), so I thought I was panromantic for a time, but that didn't seem right. 

 

Eventually, I realized that the problem was that I had never had a crush, really, and that the problem with figuring out my romantic orientation was that I hadn't experienced it. But I desperately didn't want to be alone for the rest of my life (internalized stereotypes, amiright?) so I shied away from seeing if aromantic felt right. I was like, ok I must be demiromantic, because I need to get to know someone well for me to feel close with them. But as I dug around a bit on even, and really started to do real research about asexuality and by proxy, aromanticism, I couldn't deny that it just felt right. It felt accurate, in a similar way that asexual felt like the right term for my sexual orientation. And reading about QPRs and just general positivity towards aromantics really helped me come to terms with it. 

 

It's still something I don't think about a lot, as in asexual still feels more like me than aromantic does (even though I know I am, if that even makes sense) but that might just be because I'm more used to thinking about myself as asexual. 

I relate very strongly to this! I feel like I always kinda knew I was asexual from a young age (maybe like 12-14) so when I finally did some research and stumbled across the asexual community it felt like a relief. Realizing I am aromantic however has been more of a struggle for me because I tried to deny it every chance I got. I feel much more a sense of loss regarding this revelation compared to discovering I was asexual. 

 

The way you described going from thinking you were heteroromantic, to homoromantic, to pan, to eventually aro mirrors my own discovery process, so I am hoping that researching QPRs more will also help me to come to terms with this better. 

[21LAUR21]

31 minutes ago, VeryAsexyIndeed said:

Omg waittt... I relate to everything you just said Faedra... am I actually aromantic?? Watt hmmm I never thought I would find something that actually describes be rather perfectly, that’s great! Thank you💖💖👌But wait, can you be aroace and still be in a relationship? Cause I want to be in a relationship, like a qpr, is that something that some aroaces do? I’m so gonna check into aromanticism more aah thanks again for making me realize this!🥰🥰✌️🌟🖤🤍💚

Thinking I wanted a relationship was one of the main reasons why I was hesitant to call myself Aro. 

 

You can definitely still be in a relationship if you're aroace. I just started looking into QPRs myself and from what I've read many involve sensual things like kissing, hugging, cuddling, hand holding etc, and some even involve sex (if that's something both parties want). 

[VeryAsexyIndeed]

1 minute ago, xxLAURxx said:

Thinking I wanted a relationship was one of the main reasons why I was hesitant to call myself Aro. 

 

You can definitely still be in a relationship if you're aroace. I just started looking into QPRs myself and from what I've read many involve sensual things like kissing, hugging, cuddling, hand holding etc, and some even involve sex (if that's something both parties want). 

Well that’s really nice to know, I think I’ve finally found what describes me☺️☺️maybe, I’ll wait and see but for now it feels right. This explains why I never thought that bi, gay, omni, pan or anything else ever fit me, cause I’m aro! It makes so much sense now! Yayy!🖤🤍💚💜🥰🥰✌️

[21LAUR21]

2 minutes ago, VeryAsexyIndeed said:

Well that’s really nice to know, I think I’ve finally found what describes me☺️☺️maybe, I’ll wait and see but for now it feels right. This explains why I never thought that bi, gay, omni, pan or anything else ever fit me, cause I’m aro! It makes so much sense now! Yayy!🖤🤍💚💜🥰🥰✌️

Yeah looking back whever I thought I was biromantic or whatever, I think it was more of wanting to want to feel attraction, rather than actually feeling that attraction. 

 

I'm glad you found something that you finally connect with!  

[VeryAsexyIndeed]

1 minute ago, xxLAURxx said:

Yeah looking back whever I thought I was biromantic or whatever, I think it was more of wanting to want to feel attraction, rather than actually feeling that attraction. 

 

I'm glad you found something that you finally connect with!  

Yes exactly! I really wanted to feel romantic attraction because I want to have a relationship and I didn’t realize that qprs were a thing, so I thought that I must feel romantic attraction to have a relationship, glad I was wrong about that last part cause I feel so relieved right now that I can have a relationship and even though I’m aro, just like I’ve always wanted! I’m happy now lol🥰🥰🌟🌈

[maybeimamazed]

7 hours ago, 21LAUR21 said:

Thinking I wanted a relationship was one of the main reasons why I was hesitant to call myself Aro. 

 

You can definitely still be in a relationship if you're aroace. I just started looking into QPRs myself and from what I've read many involve sensual things like kissing, hugging, cuddling, hand holding etc, and some even involve sex (if that's something both parties want). 

If it involves kissing and sex, what makes it NOT a romantic relationship though?

[MizzyBizzy01]

I know this might sound dumb but I was around 14 when I saw article from tumblr about what is aromatic and asexuality and it just...*clicked*. It felt like it perfectly described me. I ID more as grayromantic than fully aroace because I did had a light squish on a friend at high school, leaning towards the romantic side but I didn't pursue after it faded away. Looking back growing up I can tell the signs were there, I didn't have crushes on people growing up and now I have zero interest into being in a relationship with somebody, unless I catch that 'warm' feeling I had with my previous squish.  Anything sexual in media grossed me out, having the 'talk' and puberty was a nightmare for little me to handle, honestly didn't relate to anybody about finding someone attractive, etc. 

 

For graysexuality, I just used that label since I haven't felt any sexual attraction yet and I'm not sure if I'm fully asexual so it will stay that way.

 

Currently I'm 19, I still have occasional doubts about my sexuality but I know in my heart I'm not broken, I'm perfectly fine. Sexuality isn't it end all, be all. Its fluid and valid to change. I'm still in the closet about it, won't make a effort to come out anytime.