Asexual married to sexual

[Ace7]

Hi I’m new here. Please let me know if this is the wrong forum or if this has been answered before. 
 

I’ve been with my husband for 10 years. Sex has always been a struggle and we fight about it quite a bit about it. This is the only thing we fight about. I’ve had little to no sex drive or desire throughout our entire relationship. I learned about asexuality about a year ago but it took until a month ago for me to come to terms with the fact that I am asexual. So I told my husband. Ever since I told him he’s been depressed. 

I really understand things from his perspective. We’ve come up with ways to compromise as I want to make him happy and feel good and he wants to respect my lack of interest in sex. 
 

His depression is making it really difficult to follow through with our compromises. He’s fallen into a deeply negative mind set. hes decided I hate sex and says that he feels like he’s forcing me to do it even though I tell him otherwise constantly and I am absolutely willing to do it. He’s easily irritated and blames me for little things on a daily basis. When I confront him about the way he’s treating me, he says he’s ‘just depressed’ or ‘in a bad mood’. When he treats me this way I feel really sad and alone. When I tell him this he says he ‘can’t help it’. Sometimes I feel really guilty for what I’ve put him through and how alone and hurt he must feel so that I deserve to be treated this way. 
 

I’ve tried asking him to speak with a counsellor whether it’s alone or together. He either completely ignores me or says ‘I just don’t see how this could ever get better’. I hate bringing it up and try not to but I worry about him a lot and just want him to consider it. 
 

Can anyone provide some insight on getting through this? Neither of us want to end the relationship. We do really really love each other and have so many plans for the future, including having children. 

[LoveNotSex?]

Hi, I'm in a partly similar situation, being gray-asexual, just found out and told my sexual partner recently.
We're seeing a counsellor and experimenting with some different ways to deal with the situation. However, if your husband refuses this, that's not an option obviously... 
 

On 11/29/2020 at 12:37 AM, Ace7 said:

He’s easily irritated and blames me for little things on a daily basis. When I confront him about the way he’s treating me, he says he’s ‘just depressed’ or ‘in a bad mood’. When he treats me this way I feel really sad and alone. When I tell him this he says he ‘can’t help it’. Sometimes I feel really guilty for what I’ve put him through and how alone and hurt he must feel so that I deserve to be treated this way.

I'm sorry to hear that he treats you this badly. You certainly don't have to feel guilty. It's totally okay to be asexual and you don't deserve to be treatet this way because of this or in general.
Let's hope his behavior is just temporary and will change after having had some time to process and adjust.
I hope you can talk to friends or other people and get support from them.
I think the AVEN community is very nice and helpful as well.
Feel free to contact me in case you need someone to talk to.

[Dazzle Ships]

Hi, there. I'm sorry to hear you and your partner are having a difficult time right now. Discovering one's asexuality while in a long-term relationship can be really emotionally exhausting for both parties as you try to navigate through your new 'normal.' And, you're both suffering. Just know you're not alone. I only recently accepted being asexual. Still seems weird to admit it. I'm in a nearly 30-year relationship so I can say it does take some time to adjust and accept something that so dramatically changes the landscape of a relationship.