Stressed about my dating future

[luluco]

So there's only two things that stress me about being asexual, "am i asexual or not?" and "I will be single for the rest of my life"

 

 

I think that finding a partner it's difficult, i think that finding an asexual partner it's even more difficult.

 

For me finding guys that want to be in a relationship it's "easy", you just go on tinder and boom, that's how I met my 2 exes. But the problem was that they were(are) sexual, it was exhausting to me because I didn't want to have sex and they didn't understand it.

 

The thing is that I don't think that there are many aces where I live in spain and I already experienced long distance relationships in the past and it went horribly lol

 

I think I will not experience love in my live hahaha I'm stressed UwU

 

[Sarah-Sylvia]

It's pretty hard to find someone right when on the spectrum, but we just gotta keep open. I'm never going to give up on finding someone, .. it's just not easy because most people want sex. Some are ok without it though. Or hopefully one day I meet someone asexual around.

Keep open

[Purple Red Panda]

40 minutes ago, Sarah-Sylvia said:

I'm never going to give up on finding someone

Good for you. I sort of wish I could give up hope, accept that I'll probably always be single and just get on with life.

[Sarah-Sylvia]

20 minutes ago, Purple Red Panda said:

Good for you. I sort of wish I could give up hope, accept that I'll probably always be single and just get on with life.

Someone can choose to be celibate. To me finding someone to share life with and be romantic is important tho. I'll just keep open, maybe some day itll work out well.

[Purple Red Panda]

2 minutes ago, Sarah-Sylvia said:

To me finding someone to share life with and be romantic is important tho

Oh it is to me as well, I just think things might be easier if it wasn't.

[morshmallow]

I can relate a lot to this, but with the addition of me worrying whether or not I'm even romantic, but if I'm not I think I still want someone who I can focus on and who focuses on me. I want something important and lifelong, but I'm so unsure of whether or not I can put up with or enjoy romantic things.

[KayleeK]

Yes i know i'll probably be alone too. Its not just that I'm asexual, I also am very socially awkward. So even if I meet someone who I think is nice it never goes anywhere because I am sooooo nervous around someone I like and can't ever tell them I'm interested. And i just assume no one would like me anyway because I have low self esteem. I'm my 30s and I've never had a relationship other then one boyfriend in high school which really was not serious at all

[luluco]

Hahaha I will try to not lose my hope, life being an asexual it's on hard mode specially for finding a partner lol but I think we are all in the same page

[luluco]

10 hours ago, morshmallow said:

I can relate a lot to this, but with the addition of me worrying whether or not I'm even romantic, but if I'm not I think I still want someone who I can focus on and who focuses on me. I want something important and lifelong, but I'm so unsure of whether or not I can put up with or enjoy romantic things.

Me too, I'm "cold" as people says and I don't understand much about romance but yeah, I want to have someone important in my life still

[luluco]

13 hours ago, Purple Red Panda said:

Good for you. I sort of wish I could give up hope, accept that I'll probably always be single and just get on with life.

 

9 hours ago, KayleeK said:

Yes i know i'll probably be alone too. Its not just that I'm asexual, I also am very socially awkward. So even if I meet someone who I think is nice it never goes anywhere because I am sooooo nervous around someone I like and can't ever tell them I'm interested. And i just assume no one would like me anyway because I have low self esteem. I'm my 30s and I've never had a relationship other then one boyfriend in high school which really was not serious at all

Let's not loose hope comarades :')

[Guest]

12 hours ago, morshmallow said:

I can relate a lot to this, but with the addition of me worrying whether or not I'm even romantic, but if I'm not I think I still want someone who I can focus on and who focuses on me. I want something important and lifelong, but I'm so unsure of whether or not I can put up with or enjoy romantic things.

 

11 hours ago, KayleeK said:

Yes i know i'll probably be alone too. Its not just that I'm asexual, I also am very socially awkward. So even if I meet someone who I think is nice it never goes anywhere because I am sooooo nervous around someone I like and can't ever tell them I'm interested. And i just assume no one would like me anyway because I have low self esteem. 

I feel the same! It's like I wrote both of this 😅

[morshmallow]

4 hours ago, luluco said:

Me too, I'm "cold" as people says and I don't understand much about romance but yeah, I want to have someone important in my life still

I've had almost the same thing said to me x_x

My friends were a little more tactful about it, but back as a teen I always wondered why dating stuff was happening for other people and not me, and my friends essentially said I wasn't "putting myself out there" or making myself seem available, and I never knew what that really meant.

[MarRister]

14 hours ago, KayleeK said:

Its not just that I'm asexual, I also am very socially awkward. So even if I meet someone who I think is nice it never goes anywhere because I am sooooo nervous around someone I like and can't ever tell them I'm interested. And i just assume no one would like me anyway because I have low self esteem.

These don't have to be permanent states though if you don't want them to be. You can learn to become less socially awkward and you can raise your self esteem. It definitely isn't an easy or quick process but if you think it is holding you back in your enjoyment in life you don't have to just accept that you will be that way forever. It is scary and can be overwhelming, but I really do think it can be very beneficial to one's life. I used to be a lot more socially awkward than I am now and had far worse self esteem, and I still have a lot to improve on, but even the improvements I have made so far has made my life so much better imo. And I think when one gains more confidence in social situations it can increase self esteem and vice versa. It is like learning a new skill though, you have to practice a lot and make a bunch of mistakes along the way. 

[RobL2415]

It's hard for me to find a purpose in dating when all I know is rejection. It's hard for me to find a purpose in marriage when all I know is divorce.
Then there's days where I really want someone to hug and cuddle up with and stick by my side no matter what, but I'm turned off from seeking a relationship because IMO online dating sucks and there's no one at my work or at my church that interests/shows interest in me. I feel broken and unwanted, even though I am thankful for my friends and peers. And everyone always gives me the BS line, "you'll find someone someday". Easy to say when you've had success.

[felicia-cat]

17 hours ago, morshmallow said:

I can relate a lot to this, but with the addition of me worrying whether or not I'm even romantic, but if I'm not I think I still want someone who I can focus on and who focuses on me. I want something important and lifelong, but I'm so unsure of whether or not I can put up with or enjoy romantic things.

Not sure myself.  I know some things that many consider romantic just don't go there with me - but I do like the romantic ideas of special nights on the town (even if I don't remotely care for being given cut flowers that will quickly die, or being given candies - or, yep, I don't want cakes or other sweets.  (I accept cakes on this site because, seriously, I don't have to EAT them, and it is the thought that counts...)  For me, a romantic thing is getting together to do something we BOTH love - together.  In this sort of case, yes, I'm romantic. 

[KayleeK]

1 hour ago, Marsa said:

These don't have to be permanent states though if you don't want them to be. You can learn to become less socially awkward and you can raise your self esteem. It definitely isn't an easy or quick process but if you think it is holding you back in your enjoyment in life you don't have to just accept that you will be that way forever. It is scary and can be overwhelming, but I really do think it can be very beneficial to one's life. I used to be a lot more socially awkward than I am now and had far worse self esteem, and I still have a lot to improve on, but even the improvements I have made so far has made my life so much better imo. And I think when one gains more confidence in social situations it can increase self esteem and vice versa. It is like learning a new skill though, you have to practice a lot and make a bunch of mistakes along the way. 

How do you get more confident and better in social.situations? I have improved in settings like work where I just mainly talk about work stuff or small talk. But in situations where its more personal like trying to make a friend, dating etc.. I just feel totally useless. I dont know what to say, I dont know how honest I should be (like I think if i am too much "myself" no one will like me so i put on a bit of an act pretending to be more normal and happy then i am). I dont know how to make someone your friend or show you like them. I also experienced rejection in the past from someone i thought was my best friend. She just turned against me when she met her boyfriend and told me I was too weird and boring. It broke my heart so now i automatically think no one likes me and find it hard to trust anyone. But i truly want a best friend/ soul mate type of partner. 

[luluco]

 

39 minutes ago, KayleeK said:

How do you get more confident and better in social.situations? I have improved in settings like work where I just mainly talk about work stuff or small talk. But in situations where its more personal like trying to make a friend, dating etc.. I just feel totally useless. I dont know what to say, I dont know how honest I should be (like I think if i am too much "myself" no one will like me so i put on a bit of an act pretending to be more normal and happy then i am). I dont know how to make someone your friend or show you like them. I also experienced rejection in the past from someone i thought was my best friend. She just turned against me when she met her boyfriend and told me I was too weird and boring. It broke my heart so now i automatically think no one likes me and find it hard to trust anyone. But i truly want a best friend/ soul mate type of partner. 

I understand you, it's hard. I think that the only way is finding a good therapist that can work on your problems. I don't do that myself because I don't have the money to pay one, it's expensive (90 euros per 39 minutes). But yeah, If you have the money I recommend it :) 

 

it's always good to treat yourself and going to the therapist is not for the weak. They are doctors but for our mind 

 

[MarRister]

13 minutes ago, KayleeK said:

How do you get more confident and better in social.situations? I have improved in settings like work where I just mainly talk about work stuff or small talk. But in situations where its more personal like trying to make a friend, dating etc.. I just feel totally useless. I dont know what to say, I dont know how honest I should be (like I think if i am too much "myself" no one will like me so i put on a bit of an act pretending to be more normal and happy then i am). I dont know how to make someone your friend or show you like them. I also experienced rejection in the past from someone i thought was my best friend. She just turned against me when she met her boyfriend and told me I was too weird and boring. It broke my heart so now i automatically think no one likes me and find it hard to trust anyone. But i truly want a best friend/ soul mate type of partner. 

Well everyone is different, so what I have found helped me might not be so helpful for you, but I think a big part would be starting on reworking your mindset towards yourself and social situations. It sounds like your ex-friend was very harsh to you, and that is not okay or a very nice way of ending a friendship. I think it is important to realize though that that is not a reflection on yourself, but a reflection on them. Friends grow apart all the time for one reason or another and that can be hard, but it isn't anyone's fault and definitely not an excuse to be rude and uncaring to someone. Just because they couldn't appreciate you for who you are doesn't mean others won't. You can't control how others feel about you, but you can to some degree control how much you take into consideration what others feel about you. Some people won't like you, and that is totally fine, just like you will find people you don't like. It is just part of life. Someone not liking you though does not diminish your worth, just like someone liking you does not increase it. You are worthy always, regardless how you feel about yourself in the moment or how someone else does. I know it can be lot easier to write all this than actually feel this though, so that is where you have to spend some time on self reflection and start to re-evaluate what you value in yourself and others and what kind of person you want to become. 

 

Work helped me a lot in certain situations, but, yeah, it was not always helpful in more casual settings. I think it is helpful to get yourself into more casual situations in whatever way you can, whether that be through work people or maybe finding some sort of group/activity to join that you think you could enjoy. The more different people you meet and the more variety of social situations you can experience, the more you will learn from others and get you used to different scenarios. Being social is somewhat tricky right now with Covid though and it can be scary to just jump into social situations like that even when times are normal. It might be more useful to start slow and learn from books/articles on the topic and take some time to do some self reflection and then maybe work up to trying to create more of a friendship with an acquaintance you already have and get along with and then go from there. You have to push yourself out of your comfort zone, but I think it is better to do it bit by bit rather than jump in the deep end and feel like you are drowning and then never want to try again. Recognize your small successes and celebrate them even if they seem a bit trivial. Those small successes will eventually lead to you feeling like you've made leaps and bounds over time. 

 

I think we all have some social personas, which can be useful in certain situations, but can also be a hinderance in others. A good friend will love you for who you are, quarks and weirdness and all, but if you don't ever let people in to see that it can make others feel like you don't want to get closer or maybe even make them wary of you. People can be pretty good at telling when others are being genuine or not, so if someone never seems genuine it doesn't really offer the opportunity for others to bridge that gap to friendship. But, also there is a time and place to be totally open with others and times not to be and that might just have to be figured out in a trial and error kind of way. It can be hard and unclear how to bridge that gap to friendship though. It is something I still very much struggle with, and I will often just wait for someone else to make the first move in that regard. Though I like to think that most people are kind enough though that they would either welcome a move towards friendship or at least be kind in showing that they are not interested in that. But it can feel awkward for sure to try and initiate something beyond just an acquaintance level. It is one of those things that takes time to work up to and that is fine. Just remember to be patient with yourself and try not to take any rejections too personally because it really is about their preferences and nothing to do with you not being 'good' enough. 

 

If I am being perfectly honest, a big boon for me in the casual social world was alcohol. Obviously not a healthy crutch to rely on and there are much better ways, but it did allow me to be more open and relaxed with other people. This gave me enough confidence over time to be more open and relaxed with others while sober too. I'm not saying this is a good way to do it, but just that when we always have our walls up it can make social situations a lot more difficult without us even realizing it. I am not quick to trust, and that is okay, but there also has to come a point where you do actually give your trust to another person and show some vulnerability or it will be impossible to create any meaningful relationship. 

 

Also, you have to be okay letting yourself make mistakes. It is okay not to know what to say in every situation, or know how to interact in certain situations. But if you don't ever try you'll never learn how. It is scary and often uncomfortable, but the lessons learned are so worth it in the end. People can often find it endearing too when people are honest about their short comings and just own that you aren't sure what to say or do now. Studies have actually shown that people who get embarrassed more are seen in a more positive and trustworthy light than people who are more often confident in what they are doing. We are all humans who are fallible so it is actually far more relatable to make mistakes than be perfect all the time.

 

Hopefully some of my babbling is somewhat useful to you..😅

[morshmallow]

3 hours ago, felicia-cat said:

Not sure myself.  I know some things that many consider romantic just don't go there with me - but I do like the romantic ideas of special nights on the town (even if I don't remotely care for being given cut flowers that will quickly die, or being given candies - or, yep, I don't want cakes or other sweets.  (I accept cakes on this site because, seriously, I don't have to EAT them, and it is the thought that counts...)  For me, a romantic thing is getting together to do something we BOTH love - together.  In this sort of case, yes, I'm romantic. 

Tbh everything you just described sounds fine to me. Fun activities and quality time? Great. Lots of eye contact and being unable to chew my food without my partner spooning me the whole time and pressing our heads against each other? Very far from fine. Being expected to say lots of sappy things that don't naturally come to mind in order for my partner to feel comfortable and loved? alidsguoasidhvlkbjlad;kfj;ae s (Basically I think we might be on a similar page? But if my explanation seems sassy or confrontational, I swear it isn't meant that way)

[KayleeK]

1 hour ago, luluco said:

 

I understand you, it's hard. I think that the only way is finding a good therapist that can work on your problems. I don't do that myself because I don't have the money to pay one, it's expensive (90 euros per 39 minutes). But yeah, If you have the money I recommend it

 

it's always good to treat yourself and going to the therapist is not for the weak. They are doctors but for our mind 

 

I did try seeing a psychologist a couple of yrs ago for my anxiety/depression but I didnt find it very helpful, and as you say it can be expensive. I found getting my cat has helped with my depression, and reading spiritual/self help kinda books. But the anxiety/social awkardness is so hard to overcome 😫

[KayleeK]

24 minutes ago, Marsa said:

Well everyone is different, so what I have found helped me might not be so helpful for you, but I think a big part would be starting on reworking your mindset towards yourself and social situations. It sounds like your ex-friend was very harsh to you, and that is not okay or a very nice way of ending a friendship. I think it is important to realize though that that is not a reflection on yourself, but a reflection on them. Friends grow apart all the time for one reason or another and that can be hard, but it isn't anyone's fault and definitely not an excuse to be rude and uncaring to someone. Just because they couldn't appreciate you for who you are doesn't mean others won't. You can't control how others feel about you, but you can to some degree control how much you take into consideration what others feel about you. Some people won't like you, and that is totally fine, just like you will find people you don't like. It is just part of life. Someone not liking you though does not diminish your worth, just like someone liking you does not increase it. You are worthy always, regardless how you feel about yourself in the moment or how someone else does. I know it can be lot easier to write all this than actually feel this though, so that is where you have to spend some time on self reflection and start to re-evaluate what you value in yourself and others and what kind of person you want to become. 

 

Work helped me a lot in certain situations, but, yeah, it was not always helpful in more casual settings. I think it is helpful to get yourself into more casual situations in whatever way you can, whether that be through work people or maybe finding some sort of group/activity to join that you think you could enjoy. The more different people you meet and the more variety of social situations you can experience, the more you will learn from others and get you used to different scenarios. Being social is somewhat tricky right now with Covid though and it can be scary to just jump into social situations like that even when times are normal. It might be more useful to start slow and learn from books/articles on the topic and take some time to do some self reflection and then maybe work up to trying to create more of a friendship with an acquaintance you already have and get along with and then go from there. You have to push yourself out of your comfort zone, but I think it is better to do it bit by bit rather than jump in the deep end and feel like you are drowning and then never want to try again. Recognize your small successes and celebrate them even if they seem a bit trivial. Those small successes will eventually lead to you feeling like you've made leaps and bounds over time. 

 

I think we all have some social personas, which can be useful in certain situations, but can also be a hinderance in others. A good friend will love you for who you are, quarks and weirdness and all, but if you don't ever let people in to see that it can make others feel like you don't want to get closer or maybe even make them wary of you. People can be pretty good at telling when others are being genuine or not, so if someone never seems genuine it doesn't really offer the opportunity for others to bridge that gap to friendship. But, also there is a time and place to be totally open with others and times not to be and that might just have to be figured out in a trial and error kind of way. It can be hard and unclear how to bridge that gap to friendship though. It is something I still very much struggle with, and I will often just wait for someone else to make the first move in that regard. Though I like to think that most people are kind enough though that they would either welcome a move towards friendship or at least be kind in showing that they are not interested in that. But it can feel awkward for sure to try and initiate something beyond just an acquaintance level. It is one of those things that takes time to work up to and that is fine. Just remember to be patient with yourself and try not to take any rejections too personally because it really is about their preferences and nothing to do with you not being 'good' enough. 

 

If I am being perfectly honest, a big boon for me in the casual social world was alcohol. Obviously not a healthy crutch to rely on and there are much better ways, but it did allow me to be more open and relaxed with other people. This gave me enough confidence over time to be more open and relaxed with others while sober too. I'm not saying this is a good way to do it, but just that when we always have our walls up it can make social situations a lot more difficult without us even realizing it. I am not quick to trust, and that is okay, but there also has to come a point where you do actually give your trust to another person and show some vulnerability or it will be impossible to create any meaningful relationship. 

 

Also, you have to be okay letting yourself make mistakes. It is okay not to know what to say in every situation, or know how to interact in certain situations. But if you don't ever try you'll never learn how. It is scary and often uncomfortable, but the lessons learned are so worth it in the end. People can often find it endearing too when people are honest about their short comings and just own that you aren't sure what to say or do now. Studies have actually shown that people who get embarrassed more are seen in a more positive and trustworthy light than people who are more often confident in what they are doing. We are all humans who are fallible so it is actually far more relatable to make mistakes than be perfect all the time.

 

Hopefully some of my babbling is somewhat useful to you..😅

Thanks for the reply. I try alot to practise having conversations with work colleagues. But then i feel like I have to carefully control what I'm saying as I worry I'll blurt out something totally stupid or embarassing! Its kinda hard to be my real self because I feel like I have to act with a certain amount of professionalism, where I work its kinda expected. 

I suppose I have to try to get into some social situations other then work 🤔 I'm such a loner normally ! 😛

[morshmallow]

4 hours ago, RobL2415 said:

It's hard for me to find a purpose in dating when all I know is rejection. It's hard for me to find a purpose in marriage when all I know is divorce.
Then there's days where I really want someone to hug and cuddle up with and stick by my side no matter what, but I'm turned off from seeking a relationship because IMO online dating sucks and there's no one at my work or at my church that interests/shows interest in me. I feel broken and unwanted, even though I am thankful for my friends and peers. And everyone always gives me the BS line, "you'll find someone someday". Easy to say when you've had success.

I'm definitely no authority when it comes to this, but the best relationship I ever had (we're still legitimately friends)  was with someone I found through fandom. I guess that's somewhere adjacent to online dating, but we didn't meet each other for the purpose of dating at all. We just had a shared interest. If church is as big of a part of your life as your post implies, then maybe you could find an online faith group or something? Expand your horizons past your immediate community without forcing anything. Definitely not a surefire method, and likely something you've thought of, but that's where I've had positive experience. I think it's because the internet makes it easier to find really specific types of people (like a hetero woman with no interest in sex who you also have common ground with).

[MarRister]

5 hours ago, KayleeK said:

Thanks for the reply. I try alot to practise having conversations with work colleagues. But then i feel like I have to carefully control what I'm saying as I worry I'll blurt out something totally stupid or embarassing! Its kinda hard to be my real self because I feel like I have to act with a certain amount of professionalism, where I work its kinda expected. 

I suppose I have to try to get into some social situations other then work 🤔 I'm such a loner normally ! 😛

Yeah work is tricky in that way. Maybe if you have a work colleague you like and feel comfortable enough with you could try and create a social meeting outside of the work place where professionalism wouldn't be at the same priority. Or, yes, find other social situations to engage in outside of work altogether. I have kind of swung back and forth in my life between being a loner and really wanting to increase social connections. When I do want to increase connections I find it so helpful to have a friend who is more socially outgoing and will introduce me to their friends or push me out of my comfort zone by inviting me to more social events. But if you tend to be more introverted it is important to not over do it socially and end up burning out. Slow and steady 😊

[RobL2415]

13 hours ago, morshmallow said:

I'm definitely no authority when it comes to this, but the best relationship I ever had (we're still legitimately friends)  was with someone I found through fandom. I guess that's somewhere adjacent to online dating, but we didn't meet each other for the purpose of dating at all. We just had a shared interest. If church is as big of a part of your life as your post implies, then maybe you could find an online faith group or something? Expand your horizons past your immediate community without forcing anything. Definitely not a surefire method, and likely something you've thought of, but that's where I've had positive experience. I think it's because the internet makes it easier to find really specific types of people (like a hetero woman with no interest in sex who you also have common ground with).

I had been trying last month to formulate a plan for a young Christian singles group. Perhaps I should revisit it.

[felicia-cat]

On 11/29/2020 at 6:14 PM, morshmallow said:

Tbh everything you just described sounds fine to me. Fun activities and quality time? Great. Lots of eye contact and being unable to chew my food without my partner spooning me the whole time and pressing our heads against each other? Very far from fine. Being expected to say lots of sappy things that don't naturally come to mind in order for my partner to feel comfortable and loved? alidsguoasidhvlkbjlad;kfj;ae s (Basically I think we might be on a similar page? But if my explanation seems sassy or confrontational, I swear it isn't meant that way)

Thanks, I appreciate this sort of response, nothing confrontational about it at all.  A similar page, yes.  

 

Sorry I haven't gotten back to the site sooner - two days of no internet, and some other things going on can do that!