chris_error Posted November 28, 2020 Share Posted November 28, 2020 I never really questioned my gender until this year, but it's been nagging at me for a lot of 2020. (Realized I was asexual last year, 2019) It's really confusing and sometimes I find myself thinking like??? what even is gender??? I don't really like she/her pronouns, gendered nouns, gendered parts of my body like my chest, thighs, or sometimes even my voice... I've always been fairly gender conforming though (I like skirts, I like girly stuff) and was never really bothered by it as a kid??? Like I can only remember minor instances of feeling weird when called a "girl" in a group of other girls but I was always a socially anxious person and would literally get uncomfortable for no reason so I never thought anything of it. I remember at first when I was a teenager being weirdly in denial that I had boobs? Like because they were small I would say "they don't count. I don't have boobs." idk It's really confusing because it's not consistent though, other things I'm perfectly comfortable with like women's bathrooms and feminine clothing like skirts. It's also hard to see being non binary or trans as a viable option. And I don't even know if i want that, or if that's what I am... Link to post Share on other sites
Karst Posted November 28, 2020 Share Posted November 28, 2020 It's okay if you need some time to figure this out. Self-discovery is complicated. Link to post Share on other sites
ScotchSirin Posted November 28, 2020 Share Posted November 28, 2020 Is it possible you may be agender? Your experience sounds fairly similar in mine in that I was very "??? what is gender???" and rejecting that for myself, or just picking and choosing what I like and don't like out of the various gender options. It could be worth looking into. I hope you figure yourself out and manage to find what fits you. This is tricky, and it's okay to try on labels such as agender, non-binary or genderqueer or whatever you feel fits you until you find what is right. Link to post Share on other sites
Oberon Jasper Posted November 30, 2020 Share Posted November 30, 2020 I find that for me the biggest thing were childhood events. I find that's pretty consistent for most people; however, in the end it's what you are comfortable with. If you like being reffered to as female and as she and presenting feminine then be female. If you don't be agender, nonbinary, ect. (You don't sound trans ftm though. I think if anything you'd fall under the non-binary umbrella which includes agender and more.) There's my thoughts. Link to post Share on other sites
Artemis42 Posted December 2, 2020 Share Posted December 2, 2020 I’m going to recommend you look into the term greygender, which is the label I identify with. It’s quite a complex word, but it basically describes having a very weak sense of gender. Maybe it will help you, or at least give you something to think about. Gender is freaking complicated, so don’t worry if you can’t get it all figured out right away. It might take some trial and error, but that’s completely fine and normal. Take it easy and be true to yourself ❤️ Link to post Share on other sites
songchick Posted December 3, 2020 Share Posted December 3, 2020 On 11/28/2020 at 4:48 PM, error101 said: I never really questioned my gender until this year, but it's been nagging at me for a lot of 2020. (Realized I was asexual last year, 2019) It's really confusing and sometimes I find myself thinking like??? what even is gender??? I don't really like she/her pronouns, gendered nouns, gendered parts of my body like my chest, thighs, or sometimes even my voice... I've always been fairly gender conforming though (I like skirts, I like girly stuff) and was never really bothered by it as a kid??? Like I can only remember minor instances of feeling weird when called a "girl" in a group of other girls but I was always a socially anxious person and would literally get uncomfortable for no reason so I never thought anything of it. I remember at first when I was a teenager being weirdly in denial that I had boobs? Like because they were small I would say "they don't count. I don't have boobs." idk It's really confusing because it's not consistent though, other things I'm perfectly comfortable with like women's bathrooms and feminine clothing like skirts. It's also hard to see being non binary or trans as a viable option. And I don't even know if i want that, or if that's what I am... On 12/1/2020 at 9:20 PM, Artemis42 said: I’m going to recommend you look into the term greygender, which is the label I identify with. It’s quite a complex word, but it basically describes having a very weak sense of gender. Maybe it will help you, or at least give you something to think about. Gender is freaking complicated, so don’t worry if you can’t get it all figured out right away. It might take some trial and error, but that’s completely fine and normal. Take it easy and be true to yourself ❤️ It helps me to read these posts, because I feel exactly the same way myself. On 11/28/2020 at 4:48 PM, error101 said: what even is gender??? This!!!!! I feel like taking on a label makes whatever it is a burden. With no label, there is no burden. On 11/28/2020 at 4:48 PM, error101 said: It's also hard to see being non binary or trans as a viable option. It also feels very inconvenient to me. Because if you choose it, it invites a lot of complications that I don't want to deal with. And then it can feel embarrassing to go back on it and say "oops, not really!" For me, the idea of being "fluid" scares the shit out of me. Life is supposed to be grounded and steady, right? The uncertainty scares me. Like one day I'll wake up and not be myself, and I'll be all confused and then my life falls apart and everything I've worked hard for will disappear and I'll embarrass myself. I have a long mental health history where this has happened numerous times, and I see fluid gender identity as a sort of "insanity" that serves to destabilize one's life. Not that it actually is insanity, it's not. But the strife it causes, being rejected by society, being forced to behave a certain way against one's dictates...that is so demoralizing, that it almost makes the "fight" for asserting the self not even worth it. It just feels easier to withdraw from society and its judgments, and instead focus on work-related and self-development tasks. Or perhaps being in nature, doing spiritual activities, etc. At the same time, I don't even know if the answer is changing society's expectations. I mean, YES, it is. But there will always be problems. Even when this experience is embraced, I feel like people will evolve further, discover new ways of being that are rejected and ignored by society. This is such spiritual suffering. It's horrific, I hate it. Link to post Share on other sites
chris_error Posted December 6, 2020 Author Share Posted December 6, 2020 On 12/3/2020 at 2:22 PM, songchick said: Because if you choose it, it invites a lot of complications that I don't want to deal with. And then it can feel embarrassing to go back on it and say "oops, not really!" Yeah, I definitely wouldn't feel comfortable even 'trying out' being non binary because I'm scared of being wrong about myself and changing my mind. Which I suppose shouldn't be the case. Rationally I don't think there's anything wrong with changing your mind, it's just the shame/stigma of it I guess. Because it makes you feel somehow inferior not knowing something seen as very "basic information" about yourself like your gender... But then it's kind of a cycle because if you never try it then how will you ever know 100% if it's right or wrong for you? But all your inner anxieties just decide "no that's not an option, you can't until you know 100%" and you just end up back where you started, being just as confused. At least that's how it is for me... On 12/3/2020 at 2:22 PM, songchick said: I see fluid gender identity as a sort of "insanity" that serves to destabilize one's life. Not that it actually is insanity, it's not. But the strife it causes, being rejected by society, being forced to behave a certain way against one's dictates...that is so demoralizing, that it almost makes the "fight" for asserting the self not even worth it. It just feels easier to withdraw from society and its judgments, and instead focus on work-related and self-development tasks. Or perhaps being in nature, doing spiritual activities, etc. I think it's only natural to want to try and suppress even the possibility of anything that will lead to social rejection. After all, we do need other people to survive, and being rejected can be painful. But when the rejection seems inevitable then sometimes it seems easier to socially isolate as you said. It's a similar sort of psychological defense as making a self deprecating joke before anyone else can make fun of you. Maybe it'll still hurt, but at least if you're the one doing it then you're in control. It's easy to focus too much on the people who would reject you, (I do the same) but I think no matter what you will always find someone who will accept whoever you are. I wish you the best. Good luck! ❤ Link to post Share on other sites
chris_error Posted December 6, 2020 Author Share Posted December 6, 2020 Thank you to everyone who responds, btw. I really appreciate it. ❤ Link to post Share on other sites
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