Questioning: Asexuality vs. Sexual Aversion

[emptybrody90]

I am currently trying to figure out where I fit on the ace spectrum/how asexuality fits into my life.  I am almost certain that I fit somewhere on the ace spectrum, as I generally have low sex drive that isn't enough to make me want to go through the effort of having sex or only have libidinal urges rarely/for very short bursts (gray-a) and also tend to base my sexual fantasies/masturbation activities on other people having sex and have no interest in taking part personally (aegeosexual).

 

I also feel, though, that sexual aversion may be a part of my sexual functioning, and appreciate that this forum has helped me to realize that sexual aversion is not a sexual orientation.  There are a lot of reasons I feel this:  body shaming from LGBT community has made me have no desire to be nude in front of another person, random & infrequent hints that I may have repressed sexual trauma, times in my life when I experienced/acted on very strong libido that has now mostly disappeared, religious messages from family that I shouldn't have sexual feelings toward other men has likely bombed my chances of being intimate until I sort some stuff out.

 

I guess my question is how can I know where one ends and the other begins?  I feel that culturally I have felt pressured to enjoy sex, or at least convince myself that sex is enjoyable, and the un-reality of that is hitting me hard and pushing me to analyze my likely asexuality.  I just wish I understood the degree to which sexual aversion plays a role.

 

And the libido thing is probably what I'm most confused about, and I'm very new to the asexual spectrum and know that this is just showing my ignorance.  Does a fluctuating libido have anything to do with asexuality?  Or is it a physical thing?

 

I'm sorry for this rambling mess and any misconceptions about asexuality that I may be unintentionally conveying.  I'm glad to have found this forum and appreciate any and all feedback I can get.

[everywhere and nowhere]

It's a sad thing if people understand the message of this forum to be that "sex aversion is not a sexual orientation". Well, indeed it isn't, but sex-averse people still have a right to accept their feelings and, if they feel that it expresses their feelings well, identify as asexual.

I am sex-averse and nudity-averse myself and I accept these feelings. I have no desire to become allosexual, become sex-indifferent, have sex, "fit in". And while I wouldn't say that I'm proud of my sex aversion - because, after all, it's a neutral trait, and it also isn't something I have gained through my own effort - my self-acceptance certainly is and therefore I am proud t accept myself instead of torturing and traumatising myself with sexual attempts.

Nudity aversion is culturally strongly associated with supposed low self-esteem, so in order to prove that I don't have low self-esteeem, I'm going to shamelessly show how conceited I am.

• I indeed don't particularly like my body, but I highly appreciate my mind.
• I am willing to reject scientific explanations (such as mainstream understanding of sex aversion) in favour of personal experience.
• In other words, I give myself authority to reject "expert knowledge" and instead trust myself more.
• I don't need to have societal and scientific ideas of "normalcy" telling me what to do, instead I believe in my own right to choose - including making lifestyle choices which are seen unfavourably by both (such as never having sex).

And, obviously, I believe that other people have a right to trust and accept themselves too. They just need to develop this self-acceptance. So remember that accepting yourself as a sex-averse person is a valid option. You don't have to think of it as a pathology or as something mutually exclusive with "genuine" asexuality. You can be gay, asexual, sex-averse and proud 🏳️‍🌈 at the same time.

[Guest]

I am also asexual and sex-averse. There was a time when I would search a lot for explanations about my sex-aversion (and there could be a few, but they are not strong enough* to be confident to say they produced so much aversion in me that I would tend to repress my sexual feelings, if there were to be any) and if this sex-aversion makes me feel like I am asexual. I have gone through quite a few episodes of mental turmoil because of this and because I thought there may be the possibility of faking my asexuality. Then I have realized there is no reason to continue with this and just accept that I am a sex-averse asexual, even if one may have 'caused' the other or not. Reading other aces' experiences and more in depth about asexuality, I have realized that I it is okay to be the way I am.

 

*And even if there were strong enough explanations for my sex aversion, I hope I would have come to the same conclusion: that it is okay to be the way I am, as long as it wouldn't have distressed the hell out of me.