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I just want to hear if you feel like I do


UnPocoTriste

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Hi, I'm new here. I'm sorry to be writing what I'm sure must be the millionth verbose post like this. I'm in my late 20s and I've kept this to myself all my life, but this year I've been alone a lot and had no escape from my own thoughts.

 

 

Anyway, on to the point. I've read a lot about ace people and the spectrum and the different ways that people identify, but I've never read something that matches exactly what I feel. 

 

I'm just going to try to describe my experience here.  The activity is about as pleasant to me as eating or receiving a massage. It's just scratching an itch. My body desires it; my brain does not. I don't find it revolting, but it always feels like.. doing a lot of work. I'm a guy, so I feel like I have to perform and last and please my partner. 

 

I've never once in my life experienced what friends describe. I don't feel passionate, I don't get lost in the moment. I just try to make my partner feel good and last long enough. I feel like an actor playing a role. Move like this, make this noise, try to last so your partner is content. I enjoy touching someone I love; it feels.. nourishing. But a hug or cuddling during a movie will do just fine.

 

I enjoy making someone I love feel good. But other than the physical release which helps clear my mind, I would be content never performing the activity. I would think I'm fully asexual, but if I don't find release regularly, sexual thoughts cloud my thinking and distract me. I find it incredibly annoying, more than anything; if you told me some pill could make this go away without side effects I wouldn't think twice to take it.

 

I've had a handful one night stands and a couple long term relationships, and though the act is pleasant enough, I've never once felt like I really wanted to repeat the experience. It just seemed like what was expected of me. 

 

So my question is really just.. is that normal? Is it my brain being too anxious and stopping me from enjoying? Is it something physically wrong with my nerve endings that makes me feel less than other people do? Is there something wrong in my head that doesn't let me love like others do? Should I be seeing a psychologist, not that I can afford to, or is it okay to just live like this? Once I've been in a relationship for long enough I honestly come to dread sex. Negative thoughts and experiences keep piling up.

 

Does anyone else feel like this? What have you done? How do you feel now?

If you've read all this, thank you kindly.

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Hii.

Well, If you have libido (sex drive that needs to be released) and you're not sex repulsed, it would make sense to be on the ace spectrum, with what you said. You're not attracted enough to have sex with someone for it to fully be enjoyed, at least that's what it sounds like.

There's definitely asexuals who've gone with it, like when they didn't know they were asexual, because of the expectations, and they too can come to feel bad about sex, because you're not being true to how you feel, you're doing something you don't really want to. To make it work with someone sexual there has to be a certain balance, and they have to know how you are, so that you don't feel pressured. Some people can even come to resent the relationship because they push it back instead of dealing with their feelings around sex.

In my case, I consider myself graysexual, sometimes I can enjoy sex, but i might not be able to maintain it long, and then I just feel like I'm doing something I don't really want, and it can be repetitive and.. urgh, so yeah I have some negative feelings around sex too sometimes. It'd be much easier with someone where it would be just if we both feel like it, and no pressure to perform. And I'd be ok without sex at all, so long as there is physical intimacy.
Maybe that's not totally like you, but I guess I want to say I do understand where you're coming from :)

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Personally, I haven't felt like this. But my ex is asexual and felt exactly like this, and one of my current best friends is also asexual and feels like this. My ex liked the term 'placiosexual' which falls under the asexual umbrella.

 

If the fact that you don't enjoy sex distresses you, and you want to enjoy it, then I guess I would suggest seeing a professional if you feel that's what you need. But there's nothing wrong with not wanting to have sex. As you can see from AVEN, many people feel much happier not putting any energy toward sex at all. As long as you're existing in a way that's comfortable for you I don't think you need to change or worry about being 'normal'. 

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2 hours ago, UnPocoTriste said:

Hi, I'm new here. I'm sorry to be writing what I'm sure must be the millionth verbose post like this. I'm in my late 20s and I've kept this to myself all my life, but this year I've been alone a lot and had no escape from my own thoughts.

 

 

Anyway, on to the point. I've read a lot about ace people and the spectrum and the different ways that people identify, but I've never read something that matches exactly what I feel. 

 

I'm just going to try to describe my experience here.  The activity is about as pleasant to me as eating or receiving a massage. It's just scratching an itch.

Could the itch be scratched via masturbation or does it have to be partnered ? If A, lots of aces feel that way. If B, not as common among aces. 

 

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12 minutes ago, Serran said:

Could the itch be scratched via masturbation or does it have to be partnered ? If A, lots of aces feel that way. If B, not as common among aces. 

 

A, it's just a physical need to me. If anything a partner just makes it more stressful

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2 minutes ago, UnPocoTriste said:

A, it's just a physical need to me. If anything a partner just makes it more stressful

I think that's significant enough as a bit of info :P You'd be on the asexual side of the spectrum for sure.

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I feel so similarly! I have never heard anyone describe it like this and I relate a lot. There are some differences (I am dfab and haven't had sex with someone else) but I generally feel the same. Masturbation feels nice enough, makes the arousal go away faster, and clears my head a bit but there is nothing to write home about. I have even described it like getting a massage before as well.

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On 11/28/2020 at 6:01 AM, UnPocoTriste said:

So my question is really just.. is that normal? Is it my brain being too anxious and stopping me from enjoying? Is it something physically wrong with my nerve endings that makes me feel less than other people do? Is there something wrong in my head that doesn't let me love like others do? Should I be seeing a psychologist, not that I can afford to, or is it okay to just live like this? Once I've been in a relationship for long enough I honestly come to dread sex. Negative thoughts and experiences keep piling up.

 

Does anyone else feel like this? What have you done? How do you feel now?

Hi, I'm rather new here as well and I feel quite similar.

Please don't think there's something wrong with you. It's absolutely okay to be asexual or on the asexual spectrum. Even if the majority of people think and feel differently about sex (and it's role in relationships), there are many other people like us and we don't have to change who we are. We are capable of love and worth being loved.
(feels like I'm partly telling this to myself as well. I'm still kind of confused and sad about finding out that I'm probably gray-asexual.)

I'm seeing a couple's therapist because of the sex-related problems in my relationship. If you think it would help you to see a psychologist, it might be a good idea, but you don't have to feel obliged to do this in order to change, just maybe if you want to talk and/or find helpful information and support. However, I've also heard that not all therapists are familiar with asexuality and thus helpful (not sure about mine yet either).

All the best to you! If you want to talk, feel free to contact me.

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On 11/28/2020 at 12:01 AM, UnPocoTriste said:

I've never once in my life experienced what friends describe. I don't feel passionate, I don't get lost in the moment. I just try to make my partner feel good and last long enough. I feel like an actor playing a role. Move like this, make this noise, try to last so your partner is content. I enjoy touching someone I love; it feels.. nourishing. But a hug or cuddling during a movie will do just fine.

Hi there! This describes my feelings almost to a T. Touch and cuddling are not necessarily sexual, though we tend to conflate the two a lot when it comes to romantic relationships. but if you think for a moment about platonic or familial affection, they're obviously not directly connected to sex. Personally, I'm a bit touch-averse with people I don't know well, but with someone I care for, I like to cuddle and so on.

 

Sex is a different kettle of fish - I'm also not averse, but definitely have to put on a bit of an act. The feeling of having to make certain sounds at certain times rings very true to me, especially. Making my partner feel good is not a problem for me at all, but when the focus shifts to me, I get uncomfortable, and I feel like I'm managing a task rather than doing something I'm engaged in. I married a number of years back, and these issues led to problems we couldn't overcome, as she had some body image issues that prevented her from enjoying any activity focused on her pleasure, and the pressure being on me to express how wonderful the sex was 100% of the time would lead to me dreading the act, finding reasons to put it off, and then performance issues (which was a real help to my ego).

 

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I've had a handful one night stands and a couple long term relationships, and though the act is pleasant enough, I've never once felt like I really wanted to repeat the experience. It just seemed like what was expected of me.

Similarly, I've had a fair bit of experience, but never really 'got it' beyond something I could do for my partner.

 

Quote

So my question is really just.. is that normal? Is it my brain being too anxious and stopping me from enjoying? Is it something physically wrong with my nerve endings that makes me feel less than other people do? Is there something wrong in my head that doesn't let me love like others do? Should I be seeing a psychologist, not that I can afford to, or is it okay to just live like this? Once I've been in a relationship for long enough I honestly come to dread sex. Negative thoughts and experiences keep piling up.

First, to echo others, if you want to enjoy sex more, and the fact that you aren't is distressing you, you should consider talking with someone about it. If you aren't interested in enjoying sex more, there's no actual harm being done - asexuality itself isn't a pathology.

 

Second, I and others can tell you that it is possible to be in a relationship that is much healthier for you and your partner. I'm currently living with someone who I was able to be much more open with, and she is very understanding. Sex mostly focuses on her, and that works a lot better for me. I will say that I do still have moments of discomfort when attention shifts to me or we move to penetrative sex, and at those points I feel the need to, as you mentioned, make the right sounds and so on, but there are two important distinctions:

 

1 - I know that I'm doing these things deliberately and for a purpose, rather than trying to force or trick myself into really feeling or being another way. I'm doing them because it makes my partner feel good (if I like giving them pleasure, then they presumably want to be giving me pleasure as well), and because the cost to me is generally low. And if my pretense makes them feel even better about the sex, all to the good.

 

2 - I can talk to her about it. If I can't manage the added stress that day, we can have a conversation, and there's no judgement. If we get started because I think I can manage it, and it turns out that I start to have anxiety issues, we can break and talk about it. Compromise and cooperation exist, and we can have times where we just cuddle, or times where I just help her out and we don't focus on me at all, or times where we take a beat and I'm able to get myself together and carry on.

 

I'll note that the above doesn't represent the perfect relationship to a lot of people here, and that's fine too, but there's room for a lot of kinds of connection between people, and honestly, the more open you can be with your partner, if you want one, the better.

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Stela Stoyanova

Hello! 

 

You are NOT alone in your situation. There are so many people that feel exactly the same as you, you are valid and this is healthy. You don't need to see a psychologist to help you change your sexuality, that's crazy. However I would recommend psychology, just as a general experience that really helps along with your personal growth. You don't necessarily have to see a psychologist if it's going to be too expensive for you. Read books about psychology and journal your thoughts and talk to yourself. Self-help is actually a very legitimate way to grow and heal. Just practice introspection. If you want book recommendations, I say start with The Road Less Travelled. This year has left a lot of people alone with their thoughts, and that's why ultimately I think the silver lining of 2020 has been an increasing interest in mental health. 

 

On to what you've read about asexuality. Please, keep reading. There are so many identities and so many of us. Just because you haven't found an identity that resonates with you yet doesn't mean you won't. Your past experiences do not determine your future ones, the future can be completely different. Put in the time and work to make it that way. 

 

I feel the same way as you when it comes to libido. I'm not sure yet if I'm sex-repulsed or sex indifferent. I think I may be repulsed though due to the fact that just because I've managed to force myself to have sex in the past doesn't necessarily mean I wanted to. It is incredible though, what the human mind can do. I really thought that I was just being childish or that I had to "learn" to enjoy it. I still can't quite wrap my head around the fact that some people just straight up like.. do that?? and it comes naturally to them?? I'm so grateful to be on the ace spec. I don't want that activity to take up my thoughts, but unfortunately it does if I don't meet my libido. But it does make me wonder, they say only 1% of the world population is asexual, but I think they may need to do a recount because how many people out there actually think they're allosexual but in reality have been forcing themselves to go along with everything, not giving much thought to whether they're truly comfortable or if they're just doing this because it's what's expected of them? 

 

Finally, gender. Just because you're a guy does not mean you need to enjoy sex. Your gender and your sexuality are two completely different things that have nothing to do with each other. Literally, the more you read about it, the more you realize there is basically nothing gender and sexuality have to do with each other. I know a number of guys who are ace spec, who have low libido, who are practicing abstinence till marriage, etc. Every guy, just like every human (because that's what y'all are, humans) has a different sexuality and a different way they experience that sexuality and meet their libidos, or don't meet it, or don't have it, etc. You need to figure out what works for you, but more importantly you need to ignore our sexist society and know that whatever "this works for me" means to you - is valid. Period. Nobody gets to take that away from you, and repressing yourself serves the purpose of only teaching you one lesson: that you shouldn't repress yourself. 

 

You're going to be fine. You're going to make sense of this. You're going to be happy and comfortable, because if that's what you decide you want to do, and you put in the work to make that happen, then that's what you're going to be. I fully believe in writing our own destinies. 

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