How to deal with demands for explanation

[Sylvestra]

I recently started to consider that I may be demisexual (and demiromantic) and HSP (highly sensitive person) with several other issues on top of that.

 

I have a group of friends since my high school days. I have learned to be completely guarded when it comes to the topic of sexuality, relationships and children. One of my friends sometimes expresses some interest, but instead of openly asking me if I want to talk about myself, she told me how another friend justified his depression to her and how one cannot expect empathy if one does not explain one's problems and convince her that this is a real thing that one feels.

 

This completely puts me off of telling her anything because first of all, everyone expects ME to understand "normal" people and empathize with them without any explanations. It is their entitlement and right, protected by mockery and disdain (and yeah, not everyone mocks me, but noone ever defended me against mockery). And secondly, I DO have empathy with other people without detailed understanding of their situations if I know that they are suffering. They do not need to justify themselves for being in pain to receive my compassion. As a HSP, I have had my discomfort belittled often during my childhood despite being loved because many people have a very hard time accepting that someone else is really different, so this withholding of empathy because I am different is a very sore issue.

 

I have to stress that I am talking about actual friends who do not like me to be unhappy. I would like them to understand me better. But I cannot muster up the required trust if they do not give me some unconditional empathy up-front.

 

How to you deal with this kind of problem?

[Janus the Fox]

Moved to The Grey Area, Sex and Related Discussions

 

Janus DarkFox

Weekend Cover Asexual Relationships, Current Questions about Asexuality, Asexual Musings and Rantings & Open Mic Moderator

[Sarah-Sylvia]

I used to never talk about my anxiety problems, I was too scared of what others would think. And I actually have had experience where people don't understand, maybe becuase they can't relate, though without me explaining my problems they have even less empathy, so I do think explaining can be useful, but it still depends on the person and how understanding they can be.

 

I 've had a friend that I 'overthink' it, when it has nothing to do with that, I'm just describing how I feel, not thinking too much and creating feelings, or however they think about it, we've had a few arguments around that. Most of my friends are understanding though, though they don't really ask questions about it, I think maybe they don't want to get into it in case they'd be insensitive or something.

I don't mind talking about my anxiety at all now, I'm not insecure about it anymore. But being trans is something I still have trouble talking about. I've talked about it with my closer friends, but quite a few people I feel wouldn't understand and I don't want to feel weird in their eyes. I think i will talk about it one day to them, but for now I'm mostly keeping it to those I trust more.

Sometimes if they want to ask for explanations, i might say it's very personal and not comfortable to talk about it yet. That actually hasn't happened yet tho.

[Astrea]

Some people seem to have trouble understanding that feelings are always real. Even if you think you wouldn't feel the same way as someone else does in their situation, or that the other person feels the way they do because they are 'overthinking' or even interpreting a situation wrongly, it doesn't make their feelings untrue. For your brain, what you feel is always the truth, and it's all that matters. I think if everyone kept that in mind, empathy wouldn't be as hard : you don't have to try and decipher if other people are right to feel a certain way, it's enough to know that they do.

Anyway, while she probably had good intentions, your friend was a bit insensitive. To begin with, being demi or ace and not wanting children isn't a 'problem'. It has nothing to do with depression, it's not an illness. Neither is being very sensitive.
Considering she is a good friend of yours, you might start by explaining why you felt hurt by what she said. Then if you don't feel like talking about all of this right now, she should understand if you explain you are not ready to talk about it or that you are still figuring things out.

[Sylvestra]

15 hours ago, Astrea said:

To begin with, being demi or ace and not wanting children isn't a 'problem'. 

Well, since I would have liked to have children and intimacy, it actually is a problem, and my friend is aware of that because I was the only one in our group who was sure that she wanted to have children later when we were in high school, and the only one who does not have children now. (However, demi/gray is not the only reason for this.) 

 

It is also pretty obvious to my high school friends that I have not talked about any relationship or crush during the last 30 years. My only issue is that these two facts together should absolutely be enough for empathy without having to convince them first that it is actually possible to feel little sexual attraction and then convince them, that yes, once in a blue moon, I can actually feel sexual attraction to someone I feel strongly connected with. (In our extended friend group, there is a lesbian couple who enlisted two gay friends to have two children, so this is not a group of small-minded idiots, but it does not really help.)