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I don't know if I'm asexual or I've been lying to myself


Per Aspera Ad Astra

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Per Aspera Ad Astra

Hey,

I've been identifying as ace since 2014. I was 20 at times. I don't quite remember how I came to find out about asexuality, but when I finally did, it made sense. It was like something clicked. I felt more whole, more complete, not as broken. After a while, I felt comfortable enough to be open about it, and I wasn't afraid to come out to anyone if the subject of sexuality came up.

 

But for the past year, I've been doubting myself. I've suffered from severe treatment resistant depression for most of my life (I was already showing signs of depression as a very young child, though I wasn't clinically diagnosed until I went to a psychiatrist in 2015). I also suffer from C-PTSD due to some pretty severe emotional abuse, and some physical abuse, throughout most of my life.

 

All of this has led me to have an extremely hard time letting myself be vulnerable. Even with my psychiatrist and therapist, I cannot let myself be vulnerable. I cannot even tell them about my issue about vulnerability, because that in itself would make me vulnerable. No matter how hard I try, it's like there's something that's physically keeping the words from coming out of my mouth.

 

As a result of my issues with vulnerability, I also don't let people touch me. I don't like people being physically close to me. I don't like being touched, having my hands held, being cuddled. I would love to like it, but it scares me. I don't go to the doctors unless I'm so sick I can barely stand up because I'm afraid to be vulnerable.

 

And, sex, well... You're pretty vulnerable during sex. And it's terrifying. So I don't know anymore. I don't know if I'm actually asexual, or if I'm so afraid of being vulnerable that I've completely cut myself off from any emotions or attraction. I have the exact same issue with romantic attraction. And if I'm not asexual, what I am then? Where do I go from here?

I'm trying to take care of myself, I'm trying to make sense out of it, to figure things out, but I can't afford therapy at the moment. And even then, I've tried different therapies and different therapists, and nothing has worked so far, because I can't even open up enough to let them help me.

 

Has anyone ever experienced anything like this?

 

It's hard to have identified as something for the better part of 6 years, after over a decade of questioning, just to go back to question myself again. I don't even know what I'm trying to achieve, really. If it's a rent, or an actual question, or something else. Any input would be greatly appreciated.

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I don't think that being touch-aversed and having troubles with vulnerability has to exclude the case of asexuality... yes, there is the possibility that after you let the wall down and become more vulnerable with people, that you might in fact be non-asexual, but it is the same chance with the possibility of you being asexual. There is no bigger chance for one over the other if you manage to overcome you vulnerability problems and your touch-aversion (if you consider them a problem). And also, labels are just tools/words that don't have to last forever! Use them to describe only what are you feeling now and be open to the idea of changing them later if your feelings change as well. So use the term 'asexual' if this is what it suits to you right now and is what you want to express to the other people (or don't if you are not comfortable with it) and question if you really want of have a label after you deal with touch aversion and being vulnerable (either 'fixing them' or becoming okay with them). And take your time to figure your identity, don't put to much pressure on youself, as there is no rush! Good luck!

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everywhere and nowhere
2 hours ago, Georgi said:

I don't think that being touch-aversed and having troubles with vulnerability has to exclude the case of asexuality... yes, there is the possibility that after you let the wall down and become more vulnerable with people, that you might in fact be non-asexual, but it is the same chance with the possibility of you being asexual.

And there is also a chance that they might accept themself as asexual and not even try to become capable of having sex.

 

@Per Aspera Ad Astra - I quite like the term "effectively asexual" (or "functionally asexual"). It's probably the most precise for anyone who believes that they might be asexual due to a recognisable reason, not a born-this-way asexual, but feel that they would be simply lying if they identified as anything else.

Although... I only support such a term as long as it's clear that "functional asexuals" have no less right to identify as asexual and, first of all, to accept themselves as asexual, than "textbok asexuals". Really, what matters to me most when it comes to effective asexuality, is: 1. agency, and 2. the right to choice - including the right to make choices which some other people may consider "avoidant", "anxious", "repressed", "not in one's best interest". I disagree with such opinions also because I believe that people - including, of course, members of minorities, including people with experience of different kinds of psychological trauma - have a right to decide for themselves instead of believing that "experts" always know better. A lot of people (first of all intolerant allosexuals, but it's also, unfortunately, not completely alien to our community) assume that it's always a Failure if an effectively asexual person rejects atttempts at "treating" the underlying cause of their asexuality. No, people who probably weren't born asexual also have a right to simply prefer being asexual and they can never be denied that right.

In fact, I am myself this kind of person. I find it likely that I wouldn't have been asexual if not for the series of causes and effects:

chronic illness ---> nudity aversion ---> sex aversion ---> effective asexuality

However: I accept my asexuality, I would never want to become allosexual or even sex-indifferent, I refuse to torture myself with sexual attempts in the name of something I don't even need. I actively prefer being asexual and indeed feel that it would be a lie if I identified as anything else, because the result is just that: I don't want to have sex with anyone, ever, at all. And I find it offensive if I am denied agency, if I am told that others know better who I am and who I should be.

So remember that you too have a right to choose. Even if your asexuality is 100% acquired, you still have a right to accept it and to decide that you are better off as an asexual person.

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8 hours ago, Nowhere Girl said:

And there is also a chance that they might accept themself as asexual and not even try to become capable of having sex.

Yes, that's why I am pro using labels if they feel comfortable for you and this is what you want to express to others for now and to stop overthinking if your asexuality is caused by something or not and if it is going to change due to new variables in the future.

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I feel very much the same. I have depression, anxiety and body issues - which I feel like have led to me feeling asexual. I feel attracted to people sometimes and might fantasise about sex in my head, but then I can't bring myself to do it in real life. The idea of myself actually having sex freaks me out, because as you say you would be extremely vulnerable and my anxiety would just take over. I find it hard to trust people too because people say they care but then do things to hurt me ???? 

I think even if anxiety is the cause of my being asexual I am still using that to describe myself for now. Maybe one day I will change or meet someone I feel differently about, but if you feel best saying you're asexual that's ok no matter what the cause or the why.

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